WASHINGTON    IRVING 


SALMAGUNDI 


By  WASHINGTON  IRVING 

Vl 


R.  F.  FENNO  &  COMPANY:  PUB- 
LISHERS :  9  &  ii  E.  SIXTEENTH 
STREET  :  NEW  YORK  CITY  :  1900 


Pb 


A 


SALMAGUNDI. 


CONTENTS. 


VOLUME  I. 

NO.  PAG« 

I.  SATURDAY,  JANUARY  84, 1807 5 

Publisher's  Notice.    Shakespeare  Gallery,  New  York 6 

From  the  Elbow-Chair  of  Launcelot  Langstaff,  Esq 7 

£v  Theatrics— Containing  the  Quintessence  of  Modern  Criticism.    By  William 

Wizard,  Esq 12 

tj                New  York  Assembly.    By  Anthony  Evergreen,  Gent 14 

05     II.  WEDNESDAY,  FEBRUARY  4, 1807.— From  the  Elbow-Chair  of  Launcelot  Lang- 

ai                   staff.Esq 18 

Mr.  Wilson's  Concert.    By  Anthony  Evergreen,  Gent 22 

Cockloft  Family 24 

To  Launcelot  Langstaff,  Esq 27 

Advertisement 29 

III.  FRIDAY,  FEBRUARY  13,  1807.— From  my  Elbow-Chair 31 

Letter  from  Mustapha  Rub-A-Dub  Keli  Kahn,  Captain  of  a  Ketch,  to  Asem 
Hacchem,  Principal  Slave-Driver  to  his  Highness,  the  Bashaw  of 

Tripoli 33 

Fashions.    By  Anthony  Evergreen,  Gent 36 

jj                 Proclamation  from  the  Mill  of  Pindar  Cockloft,  Esq 41 

IV.  TUESDAY,  FEBRUARY  24,  1807.— From  my  Elbow-Chair '. 44 

Memorandums  for  a  Tour  to  be  entitled,  "The  Stranger  in  New  Jersey; 

C/5                         or,  Cockney  Travelling."    By  Jeremy  Cockloft,  the  Younger 46 

^        V.  SATURDAY,  MARCH  7, 1807.— From  my  Elbow-Chair 51 

Letter  from  Mustapha  Rub-A-Dub  Keli  Khan  to  Abdallah  Eb'n  Al  Rahab, 
J!?  surnamed  the  Snorer,  Military  Sentinel  at  the  Gate  of  his  Highness's 

Palace 51 

e                  By  Anthony  Evergreen,  Gent.  ...   59 

o                 To  the  Ladies.    From  the  Mill  of  Pindar  Cockloft,  Esq 63 

VI.  FRIDAY,  MARCH  20,  1807.— From  my  Elbow-Chair 66 

Theatrics.    By  William  Wizard,  Esq 74 

VH.  SATURDAY,  APRIL  4,  1807.— Letter  from  Mustapha  Rub-A-Dub  Keli  Khan,  to 
Asem  Hacchem,  Principal  Slave-Driver  to  his  Highness,  the  Bashaw 

of  Tripoli 80 

From  the  Mill  of  Pindar  Cockloft,  Esq.    Notes  by  William  Wizard,  Esq ...  87 

Vin.  SATURDAY,  APRIL  18,  1807.— By  Anthony  Evergreen,  Gent 91 

On  Style.    By  William  Wizard,  Esq 97 

To  Correspondents 108 


4  CONTENTS. 

NO.  PAGH 

IX.  SATURDAY,  APRIL  25,  1807.— From  my  Elbow-  Chair 105 

From  my  Elbow-Chair 110 

Letter  from  Mustapha  Rub-A-Dub  Keli  Khan,  Captain  of  a  Ketch,  to  Asem 
Hacchem,  Principal  Slave-Driver  to  his  Highness,  the    Bashaw  of 

Tripoli Ill 

From  the  Mill  of  Pindar  Cockloft,  Esq 117 

X.  SATURDAY,  MAY  16, 1807.— From  my  Elbow-Chair 128 

To  Launcelot  Langstaff ,  Esq 123 

VOLUME  H. 

Note 129 

XI.  TUESDAY,  JUNK  2,  1807. — Letter  from  Mustapha  Rub-A-Dub  Keli  Khan,  Cap- 

tain of  a  Ketch,  to  Asem  Hacchem,  Principal  Slave-Driver  to  his  High- 
ness, the  Bashaw  of  Tripoli 131 

From  my  Elbow-Chair.    Mine  Uncle  John 138 

Xn.  SATURDAY,  JUNK  27,  1807.— From  my  Elbow-Chair 144 

The  Stranger  at  Home;  or,  A  Tour  in  Broadway.    By  Jeremy  Cockloft, 

the  Younger 150 

From  my  Elbow-Chair 154 

From  the  Mill  of  Pindar  Cockloft,  Esq 157 

mi    FRIDAY,  AUGUST  14,  1807. — From  my  Elbow-Chair 161 

Plans  for  Defending  our  Harbor.    By  William  Wizard,  Esq 164 

From  my  Elbow  Chair.    A  Retrospect ;  or,  "  What  you  Will " 169 

To  Readers  and  Correspondents 177 

XTV.  SATURDAY,  SEPTEMBER  16,  1807. — Letter  from  Mustapha  Rub-A-Dub  Keli 
Khan  to  Asem  Hacchem,  Principal  Slave-Driver  to  his  Highness,  the 

Bashaw  of  Tripoli 179 

Cockloft  Hall.    By  Launcelot  Langstaff ,  Esq 186 

Theatrical  Intelligence.    By  William  Wizard,  Esq 19S 

XV.  THURSDAY,  OCTOBER  1,  1807.— Sketches  from  Nature.    By  Anthony  Ever- 

green, Gent 197 

On  Greatness.    By  Launcelot  Langstaff,  Esq 202 

XVI.  THURSDAY,  OCTOBER  15,  1807.— Style  at  Ballston.    By  William  Wizard,  Esq.  209 
Letter  from  Mustapha  Rub-A-Dub  Keli  Khan,  to  Asem  Hacchem,  Princi- 
pal Slave-Driver  to  his  Highness,  the  Bashaw  of  Tripoli 214 

XVH.  WEDNESDAY,  NOVEMBER  11,  1807.— Autumnal  Reflections.    By  Launcelot 

Langstaff,  Esq 221 

By  Launcelot  Langstaff,  Esq 225 

Chap.  CIX.— Of  the  Chronicles  of  the  Renowned  and  Ancient  City  of 

Gotham 228 

XVni.  TUESDAY,  NOVEMBER  24, 1807.— The  Little  Man  in  Black.    By  Launcelot 

Langstaff,  Esq 234 

Letter  from  Mustapha  Rub-A-Dub  Keli  Khan,  to  Asem  Hacchem,  Principal 
Slave-Driver  to  his  Highness,  the  Bashaw  of  Tripoli 240 

XIX.  THURSDAY,  DECEMBER  31,  1807.— From  my  Elbow-Chair 246 

Letter  from  Mustapha  Rub-A-Dub  Keli  Khan  to  Muley  Helim  al  Raggi, 

surnamed  the  Agreeable  Ragamuffin,  chief  Mounte-bank  and  Buffa- 

dancer  to  his  Highness 247 

By  Anthony  Evergreen,  Gent 254 

Tea:APoem 259 

XX.  MONDAY,  JANUARY  25,  1808.  -From  my  Elbow  Chair 262 

To  the  Ladies.    By  Anthony  Evergreen,  Gent 269 

Farewell 274 


SALMAGUNDI 


VOLUME  FIRST. 


NO.    l.-SATURDAY,   JANUARY   24,   1807. 

As  every  body  knows,  or  ought  to  know,  what  a  SALMAGUNDI 
is,  we  shall  spare  ourselves  the  trouble  of  an  explanation — be- 
sides, we  despise  trouble  as  we  do  every  thing  that  is  low  and 
mean ;  and  hold  the  man  who  would  incur  it  unnecessarily,  as 
an  object  worthy  our  highest  pity  and  contempt.  Neither  will 
we  puzzle  our  heads  to  give  an  account  of  ourselves,  for  two 
reasons;  first,  because  it  is  nobody's  business;  secondly,  be- 
cause if  it  were,  we  do  not  hold  ourselves  bound  to  attend  to 
any  body's  business  but  our  own ;  and  even  that  we  take  the 
liberty  of  neglecting  when  it  suits  our  inclination.  To  these 
we  might  add  a  third,  that  very  few  men  can  give  a  tolerable 
account  of  themselves,  let  them  try  ever  so  hard ;  but  this  rea- 
son, we  candidly  avow,  would  not  hold  good  with  ourselves. 

There  are,  however,  two  or  three  pieces  of  information  which 
we  bestow  gratis  on  the  public,  chiefly  because  it  suits  our  own 
pleasure  and  convenience  that  they  should  be  known,  and 
partly  because  we  do  not  wish  that  there  should  be  any  ill  will 
between  us  at  the  commencement  of  our  acquaintance. 

Our  intention  is  simply  to  instruct  the  young,  reform  the  old, 
correct  the  town,  and  castigate  the  age;  this  is  an  arduous 
task,  and,  therefore,  we  undertake  it  with  confidence.  We  in- 
tend for  this  purpose  to  present  a  striking  picture  of  the  town; 
and  as  every  body  is  anxious  to  see  his  own  phiz  on  canvas, 
however  stupid  or  ugly  it  may  be,  we  have  no  doubt  but  the 
whole  town  will  flock  to  our  exhibition.  Our  picture  will 
necessarily  include  a  vast  variety  of  figures :  and  should  any 
gentleman  or  lady  be  displeased  with  the  inveterate  truth  of 


6  SALMAGUNDI. 

their  likenesses,  they  may  ease  their  spleen  by  laughing  at 
those  of  their  neighbours — this  being  what  we  understand  by 

POETICAL  ;rJ3S5!pE.       '.    .-  ;  .'   .;  j 

Lake  all  tnie"  and -able 'eSitdrs',  we  consider  ourselves  infalli- 
ble, and;*  ther^fpse./w*t}i4he  customary  diffidence  of  our  breth- 
ren of  £nfe  qlull/we.  shall  tadse  the  -liberty  of  interfering  in  all 
matters  either  of  a  public  or  private  nature.  We  are  critics, 
amateurs,  dilettanti,  and  cognoscenti;  and  as  we  know  "by 
the  pricking  of  our  thumbs,"  that  every  opinion  which  we  may 
advance  in  either  of  those  characters  will  be  correct,  we  are 
determined,  though  it  may  be  questioned,  contradicted,  or  even 
controverted,  yet  it  shall  never  be  revoked. 

We  beg  the  public  particularly  to  understand  that  we  solicit 
no  patronage.  We  are  determined,  on  the  contrary,  that  the 
patronage  shall  be  entirely  on  our  side.  We  have  nothing  to 
do  with  the  pecuniary  concerns  of  the  paper;  its  success  will 
yield  us  neither  pride  nor  profit — nor  will  its  failure  occasion 
to  us  either  loss  or  mortification.  We  advise  the  public,  there- 
fore, to  purchase  our  numbers  merely  for  their  own  sakes:— if 
they  do  not,  let  them  settle  the  affair  with  their  consciences 
and  posterity. 

To  conclude,  we  invite  all  editors  of  newspapers  and  literary 
journals  to  praise  us  heartily  in  advance,  as  we  assure  them 
that  we  intend  to  deserve  their  praises.  To  our  next-door 
neighbour  "  Town,"  we  hold  out  a  hand  of  amity,  declaring  to 
him  that,  after  ours,  his  paper  will  stand  the  best  chance  for 
immortality.  We  proffer  an  exchange  of  civilities;  he  shall 
furnish  us  with  notices  of  epic  poems  and  tobacco : — and  we  in 
return  will  enrich  him  with  original  speculations  on  all  manner 
of  subjects ;  together  with  ' '  the  rummaging  of  my  grandfath- 
er's mahogany  chest  of  drawers,"  "the  life  and  amours  of 
mine  uncle  John,"  "anecdotes  of  the  Cockloft  family,"  and 
learned  quotations  from  that  unheard-of  writer  of  folios, 
Lirikum  Fidelius. 


PUBLISHER'S  NOTICE. 

THIS  work  will  be  published  and  sold  by  D.  Longworth.  It 
•will  be  printed  on  hot  prest  vellum  paper,  as  that  is  held  in 
highest  estimation  for  buckling  up  young  ladies'  hair— a  pur- 
pose to  which  similar  works  arg,  usually  appropriated;  it  will 


SALMAGUNDI.  7 

be  a  small,  neat  duodecimo  size,  so  that  when  enough  numbers 
are  written,  it  may  form  a  volume  sufficiently  portable  to  be 
carried  in  old  ladies'  pockets  and  young  ladies'  work-bags. 

As  the  above  work  will  not  come  out  at  stated  periods,  notice 
will  be  given  when  another  number  will  be  published.  The 
price  will  depend  on  the  size  of  the  number,  and  must  be  paid 
on  delivery.  The  publisher  professes  the  same  sublime  con- 
tempt for  money  as  his  authors.  The  liberal  patronage  be- 
stowed by  his  discerning  fellow-citizens  on  various  works  of 
taste  which  he  has  published,  has  left  him  no  inclination  to 
ask  for  further  favours  at  their  hands ;  and  be  publishes  this 
work  in  the  mere  hope  of  requiting  their  bounty.* 


FEOM  THE  ELBOW-CHAIR  OF    LAUNCELOT  LANG- 
STAFF,  ESQ. 

WE  were  a  considerable  time  in  deciding  whether  we  should 
be  at  the  pains  of  introducing  ourselves  to  the  public.  As  we 
care  for  nobody,  and  as  we  are  not  yet  at  the  bar,  we  do  not 
feel  bound  to  hold  up  our  hands  and  answer  to  our  names. 

Willing,  however,  to  gain  at  once  that  frank,  confidential 
footing,  which  we  are  certain  of  ultimately  possessing  in  this, 
doubtless,  "best  of  all  possible  cities;"  and,  anxious  to  spare  its 
worthy  inhabitants  the  trouble  of  making  a  thousand  wise 
conjectures,  not  one  of  which  would  be  worth  a  "tobacco- 
stopper,"  we  have  thought  it  in  some  degree  a  necessary  exer- 
tion of  charitable  condescension  to  furnish  them  with  a  slight 
clue  to  the  truth. 

Before  we  proceed  further,  however,  we  advise  every  body, 
man,  woman,  and  child,  that  can  read,  or  get  any  friend  to 
read  for  them,  to  purchase  this  paper : — not  that  we  write  for 
money ; — for,  in  common  with  all  philosophical  wiseacres,  from 
Solomon  downwards,  we  hold  it  in  supreme  contempt.  The 
public  are  welcome  to  buy  this  work,  or  not,  just  as  they 
choose.  If  it  be  purchased  freely,  so  much  the  better  for  the 
public— and  the  publisher:—  we  gain  not  a  stiver.  If  it  be  not 

*  It  was  not  originally  the  intention  of  the  authors  to  insert  the  above  address  in 
the  work;  but,  unwilling  that  a  morceau  so  precious  should  be  lost  to  posterity, 
they  have  been  induced  to  alter  their  minds.  This  will  account  for  any  repetition 
Of  idea  that  may  appear  in  the  introductory  essay. 


g  SALMAGUNDI. 

purchased  we  give  fair  warning — we  shall  burn  all  our  essays, 
critiques,  and  epigrams,  in  one  promiscuous  blaze;  and,  like 
the  books  of  the  sybils,  and  the  Alexandrian  library,  they  will 
be  lost  for  ever  to  posterity.  For  the  sake,  therefore,  of  our 
publisher,  for  the  sake  of  the  public,  and  for  the  sake  of  the 
public's  children,  to  the  nineteenth  generation,  we  advise  them 
to  purchase  our  paper.  We  beg  the  respectable  old  matrons 
of  this  city,  not  to  be  alarmed  at  the  appearance  we  make ;  we 
are  none  of  those  outlandish  geniuses  who  swarm  in  New- 
York,  who  live  by  their  wits,  or  rather  by  the  little  wit  of 
their  neighbours ;  and  who  spoil  the  genuine  honest  American 
tastes  of  their  daughters,  with  French  slops  and  fricasseed 
sentiment. 

We  have  said  we  do  not  write  for  money ; — neither  do  we 
write  for  fame :— we  know  too  well  the  variable  nature  of  pub- 
lic opinion  to  build  our  hopes  upon  it— we  care  not  what  the 
public  think  of  us ;  and  we  suspect,  before  we  reach  the  tenth 
number,  they  will  not  know  what  to  think  of  us.  In  two 
words— we  write  for  no  other  earthly  purpose  but  to  please 
ourselves— and  this  we  shall  be  sure  of  doing;  for  we  are  all 
three  of  us  determined  beforehand  to  be  pleased  with  what  we 
write.  If,  in  the  course  of  this  work,  we  edify  and  instruct 
and  amuse  the  public,  so  much  the  better  for  the  public : — but 
we  frankly  acknowledge  that  so  soon  as  we  get  tired  of  read- 
ing our  own  works,  we  shall  discontinue  them  without  the 
least  remorse;  whatever  the  public  may  think  of  it. — While 
we  continue  to  go  on,  we  will  go  on  merrily : — if  we  moralize, 
it  shall  be  but  seldom;  and,  on  all  occasions,  we  shall  be  more 
solicitous  to  make  our  readers  laugh  than  cry;  for  we  are 
laughing  philosophers,  and  clearly  of  opinion,  that  wisdom, 
true  wisdom,  is  a  plump,  jolly  dame,  who  sits  in  her  arm- 
chair, laughs  right  merrily  at  the  farce  of  lif e— and  takes  the 
world  as  it  goes. 

We  intend  particularly  to  notice  the  conduct,  of  the  fashion- 
able world :  nor  in  this  shall  we  be  governed  by  that  carping 
spirit  with  which  narrow-minded  book-worm  cynics  squint  at 
the  little  extravagances  of  the  ton ;  but  with  that  liberal  tolera- 
tion which  actuates  every  man  of  fashion.  While  we  keep 
more  than  a  Cerberus  watch  over  the  guardian  rules  of  female 
delicacy  and  decorum — we  shall  not  discourage  any  little 
sprightliness  of  demeanour,  or  innocent  vivacity  of  character. 
Before  we  advance  one  line  further  we  must  let  it  be  under- 
stood, as  our  firm  opinion^  void  of  all  prejudice  or  partiality, 


SALMAGUNDI.  9 

that  the  ladies  of  New-York  are  the  fairest,  the  finest,  the 
most  accomplished,  the  most  bewitching,  the  most  ineffable 
beings,  that  walk,  creep,  crawl,  swim,  fly,  float,  or  vegetate  in 
any  or  all  of  the  four  elements ;  and  that  they  only  want  to  be 
cured  of  certain  whims,  eccentricities,  and  unseemly  conceits, 
by  our  superintending  cares,  to  render  them  absolutely  per- 
fect. They  will,  therefore,  receive  a  large  portion  of  those  at- 
tentions directed  to  the  fashionable  world ; — nor  will  the  gentle- 
men, who  doze  away  their  time  in  the  circles  of  the  haut-ton, 
escape  our  currying.  We  mean  those  stupid  fellows  who  sit 
stock  still  upon  their  chairs,  without  saying  a  word,  and  then 

complain  how  damned  stupid  it  was  at  Miss 's  party. 

This  department  will  be  under  the  peculiar  direction  and 
control  of  ANTHONY  EVERGREEN,  gent.,  to  w.hom  all  communi- 
cations on  this  subject  are  to  be  addressed.  This  gentleman, 
£rom  his  long  experience  in  the  routine  of  balls,  tea-parties, 
and  assemblies,  is  eminently  qualified  for  the  task  he  has 
ondertaken.  He  is  a  kind  of  patriarch  in  the  fashionable 
world;  and  has  seen  .generation  after  generation  pass  away 
into  the  silent  tomb  of  matrimony  while  he  remains  unchange- 
ably the  same.  He  can  recount  the  amours  and  courtships  of 
the  fathers,  mothers,  uncles  and  aunts,  and  even  the  gran- 
dames,  of  all  the  belles  of  the  present  day;  provided  their 
pedigrees  extend  so  far  back  without  being  lost  in  obscurity. 
As,  however,  treating  of  pedigrees  is  rather  an  ungrateful  task 
in  this  city,  and  as  we  mean  to  be  perfectly  good-natured,  he 
has  promised  to  be  cautious  in  this  particular.  He  recollects 
perfectly  the  time  when  young  ladies  used  to  go  sleigh-riding 
at  night,  without  their  mammas  or  grandmammas ;  in  short, 
without  being  matronized  at  all:  and  can  relate  a  thousand 
pleasant  stories  about  Kissing-bridge.  He  likewise  remembers 
the  time  when  ladies  paid  tea- visits  at  three  in  the  afternoon, 
and  returned  before  dark  to  see  that  the  house  was  shut  up 
and  the  servants  on  duty.  He  has  often  played  cricket  in  the 
orchard  in  the  rear  of  old  Vauxhall,  and  remembers  when  the 
BulTs-head  was  quite  out  of  town.  Though  he  has  slowly  and 
gradually  given  into  modern  fashions,  and  still  flourishes  in 
the  beau-monde,  yet  he  seems  a  little  prejudiced  in  favor  of  the 
dress  and  manners  of  the  old  school ;  and  his  chief  commenda- 
tion of  a  new  mode  is  "that  it  is  the  same  good  old  fashion  we 
had  before  the  war."  It  has  cost  us  much  trouble  to  make 
him  confess  that  a  cotilh'on  is  superior  to  a  minuet,  or  an  un- 
adorned crop  to  a  pigtail  and  powder.  Custom  and  fashion 


10  SALMAGUNDI. 

have,  however,  had  more  effect  on  him  than  all  our  lectures; 
and  he  tempers,  so  happily,  the  grave  and  ceremonious  gallan- 
try of  the  old  school  with  the  "  hail  fellow"  familiarity  of  the 
new,  that,  we  trust,  on  a  little  acquaintance,  and  making 
allowance  for  his  old-fashioned  prejudices,  he  will  become  a 
very  considerable  favourite  with  our  readers; — if  not,  the 
worse  for  themselves ;  as  they  will  have  to  endure  his  com- 
pany. 

In  the  territory  of  criticism,  WILLIAM  WIZARD,  Esq.,  has 
undertaken  to  preside ;  and  though  we  may  all  dabble  in  it  a 
little  by  turns,  yet  we  have  willingly  ceded  to  him  all  discre- 
tionary powers  in  this  respect,  though  Will  has  not  had  the 
advantage  of  an  education  at  Oxford  or  Cambridge,  or  even  at 
Edinburgh,  or  Aberdeen,  and  though  he  is  but  little  versed  in 
Hebrew,  yet  we  have  no  doubt  he  will  be  found  fully  competent 
to  the  undertaking.  He  has  improved  his  taste  by  a  long  resi- 
dence abroad,  particularly  at  Canton,  Calcutta,  and  the  gay 
and  polished  court  of  Hayti.  He  has  also  had  an  opportunity 
of  seeing  the  best  singing-girls  and  tragedians  of  China,  is  a 
great  connoisseur  in  mandarine  dresses,  and  porcelain,  and 
particularly  values  himself  on  his  intimate  knowledge  of  the 
buffalo,  and  war  dances  of  the  northern  Indians.  He  is  like- 
wise promised  the  assistance  of  a  gentleman,  lately  from 
London,  who  was  born  and  bred  in  that  centre  of  science  and 
bongout,  the  vicinity  of  Fleetmarket,  where  he  has  been  edified, 
man  and  boy,  these  six-and-twenty  years,  with  the  harmonious 
jingle  of  Bow-bells.  His  taste,  therefore,  has  attained  to  such 
an  exquisite  pitch  of  refinement  that  there  are  few  exhibitions 
of  any  kind  which  do  not  put  him  in  a  fever.  He  has  assured 
Will,  that  if  Mr.  Cooper  emphasises  "and"  instead  of  "6wf — 
or  Mrs.  Oldmixon  pins  her  kerchief  a  hair's  breadth  awry — or 
Mrs.  Darley  offers  to  dare  to  look  less  than  the  "daughter  of  a 
senator  of  Venice" — the  standard  of  a  senator's  daughter  being 
exactly  six  feet— they  shall  all  hear  of  it  in  good  time.  We 
have,  however,  advised  Will  Wizard  to  keep  his  friend  in  check, 
lest  by  opening  the  eyes  of  the  public  to  the  wretchedness  of 
the  actors  by  whom  they  have  hitherto  been  entertained,  he 
might  cut  off  one  source  of  amusement  from  our  fellow-citizens. 
We  hereby  give  notice,  that  we  have  taken  the  whole  corps, 
from  the  manager  in  his  mantle  of  gorgeous  copper-lace,  to 
honest  John  in  his  green  coat  and  black  breeches,  under  our 
wing — and  wo  be  unto  him  who  injures  a  hair  of  their  heads. 
As  we  have  no  design  against  the  patience  of  our  fellow-citizens, 


SALMAGUNDI.  11 

we  shall  not  dose  them  with  copious  draughts  of  theatrical 
criticism;  we  well  know  that  they  have  already  been  well 
physicked  with  them  of  late ;  our  theatrics  shall  take  up  but  a 
small  part  of  our  paper;  nor  shall  they  be  altogether  confined 
to  the  stage,  but  extend  from  time  to  time,  to  those  incorrigible 
.offenders  against  the  peace  of  society,  the  stage-critics,  who  not 
junfrequently  create  the  fault  they  find,  in  order  to  yield  an 
opening  for  their  witticisms — censure  an  actor  for  a  gesture  he 
never  made,  or  an  emphasis  he  never  gave;  and,  in  their  at- 
tempt to  show  off  new  readings,  make  the  sweet  swan  of  Avon 
cackle  like  a  goose.  If  any  one  should  feel  himself  offended  by 
our  remarks,  let  him  attack  us  in  return — we  shall  not  wince 
from  the  combat.  If  his  passes  be  successful,  we  will  be  the 
first  to  cry  out,  a  hit !  a  hit !  and  we  doubt  not  we  shall  fre- 
quently lay  ourselves  open  to  the  weapons  of  our  assailants. 
But  let  them  have  a  care  how  they  run  a  tilting  with  us— they 
have  to  deal  with  stubborn  foes,  who  can  bear  a  world  of  pum- 
meling ;  we  will  be  relentless  in  our  vengeance,  and  will  fight 
"  till  from  our  bones  the  flesh  be  hackt." 

What  other  subjects  we  shall  include  in  the  range  of  our  ob- 
servations, we  have  not  determined,  or  rather  we  shall  not 
trouble  ourselves  to  detail.  The  public  have  already  more  in- 
formation concerning  us,  than  we  intended  to  impart.  We 
owe  them  no  favours,  neither  do  we  ask  any.  We  again  advise 
them,  for  their  own  sakes,  to  read  our  papers  when  they  come 
out.  We  recommend  to  all  mothers  to  purchase  them  for  their 
daughters,  who  will  be  taught  the  true  line  of  propriety,  and 
the  most  advisable  method  of  managing  their  beaux.  We  ad- 
vise all  daughters  to  purchase  them  for  the  sake  of  their 
mothers,  who  shall  be  initiated  into  the  arcana  of  the  bon  ton, 
and  cured  of  all  those  rusty  old  notions  which  they  acquired 
during  the  last  century :  parents  shall  be  taught  how  to  govern 
their  children,  girls  how  to  get  husbands,  and  old  maids  how  to 
do  without  them. 

As  we  do  not  measure  our  wits  by  the  yard  or  the  bushel, 
and  as  they  do  not  flow  periodically  nor  constantly,  we  shall 
not  restrict  our  paper  as  to  size  or  the  time  of  its  appearance. 
It  will  be  published  whenever  we  have  sufficient  matter  to  con- 
stitute a  number,  and  the  size  of  the  number  shall  depend  on 
the  stock  in  hand.  This  will  best  suit  our  negligent  habits, 
and  leave  us  that  full  liberty  and  independence  which  is  the 
joy  and  pride  of  our  souls.  As  we  have  before  hinted,  that  we 
do  not  concern  ourselves  about  the  pecuniary  matters  of  our 


12  SALMAGUNDt 

paper,  we  leave  its  price  to  be  regulated  by  our  publisher, 
only  recommending  him  for  his  own  interest,  and  the  honour 
of  his  authors,  not  to  sell  their  invaluable  productions  too 
cheap. 

Is  there  any  one  who  wishes  to  know  more  about  us? — let 
him  read  SALMAGUNDI,  and  grow  wise  apace.  Thus  much  we 
will  say — there  are  three  of  us,  "Bardolph,  Peto,  and  I,"  all 
townsmen  good  and  true ; — many  a  time  and  oft  have  we  three 
amused  the  town  without  its  knowing  to  whom  it  was  indebted  ; 
and  many  a  time  have  we  seen  the  midnight  lamp  twinkle 
faintly  on  our  studious  phizes,  and  heard  the  morning  saluta- 
tion of  ' '  past  three  o'clock, "  before  we  sought  our  pillows.  The 
result  of  these  midnight  studies  is  now  offered  to  the  public ; 
and  little  as  we  care  for  the  opinion  of  this  exceedingly  stupid 
world,  we  shall  take  care,  as  far  as  lies  in  our  careless  natures, 
to  fulfil  the  promises  made  in  this  introduction ;  if  we  do  not, 
we  shall  have  so  many  examples  to  justify  us,  that  we  feel 
little  solicitude  on  that  account. 


THEATEICS. 

CONTAINING  THE   QUINTESSENCE  OF  MODERN  CRITICISM.      BY 
WILLIAM  WIZARD,   ESQ. 

MACBETH  was  performed  to  a  very  crowded  house,  and  much 
to  our  satisfaction.  As,  however,  our  neighbor  TOWN  has  been 
very  voluminous  already  in  his  criticisms  on  this  play,  we 
shall  make  but  few  remarks.  Having  never  seen  KEMBLE  in 
this  character,  we  are  absolutely  at  a  loss  to  say  whether  Mr, 
ICooPER  performed  it  well  or  not.  We  think,  however,  there 
was  an  error  in  his  costume,  as  the  learned  Linkum  Fidelius  is 
of  opinion,  that  in  the  time  of  Macbeth  the  Scots  did  not  wear 
sandals,  but  wooden  shoes.  Macbeth  also  was  noted  for  wear- 
ing his  jacket  open,  that  he  might  play  the  Scotch  fiddle  more 
conveniently ; — that  being  an  hereditary  accomplishment  in  the 
Glamis  family. 

We  have  seen  this  character  performed  in  China  by  the  cele- 
brated Chow-Chow,  the  Roscius  of  that  great  empire,  who  in 
the  dagger  scene  always  electrified  the  audience  by  blowing  his 
nose  like  a  trumpet.  Chow-Chow,  in  compliance  with  the 


SALMAGUNDI.  13 

opinion  of  the  sage  Linkum  Fidelius,  performed  Macbeth  in 
wooden  shoes;  this  gave  him  an  opportunity  of  producing 
great  effect,  for  on  first  seeing  the  "air-drawn  dagger,"  he 
always  cut  a  prodigious  high  caper,  and  kicked  his  shoes  into 
the  pit  at  the  heads  of  the  critics;  whereupon  the  audience 
were  marvellously  delighted,  flourished  their  hands,  and 
stroked  their  whiskers  three  times,  and  the  matter  was  care- 
fully recorded  in  the  next  number  of  a  paper  called  the  flim 
flam.  (English — town.) 

We  were  much  pleased  with  Mrs.  VILLIERS  in  Lady  MAO- 
BETH  ;  but  we  think  she  would  have  given  a  greater  effect  to  the 
night-scene,  if,  instead  of  holding  the  candle  in  her  hand  or 
setting  it  down  on  the  table,  which  is  sagaciously  censured  by 
neighbour  Town,  she  had  stuck  it  in  her  night-cap.  This 
would  have  been  extremely  picturesque,  and  would  have 
marked  more  strongly  the  derangement  of  her  mind. 

Mrs.  Villiers,  however,  is  not  by  any  means  large  enough 
for  the  character;  Lady  Macbeth  having  been,  in  our  opinion, 
a  woman  of  extraordinary  size,  and  of  the  race  of  the  giants, 
notwithstanding  what  she  says  of  her  "little  hand" — which 
being  said  in  her  sleep,  passes  for  nothing.  We  should  be 
happy  to  see  this  character  hi  the  hands  of  the  lady  who 
played  Glumdalca,  queen  of  the  giants,  in  Tom  Thumb ;  she  is 
exactly  of  imperial  dimensions;  and,  provided  she  is  well 
shaved,  of  a  most  interesting  physiognomy ;  as  she  appears  like- 
wise to  be  a  lady  of  some  nerve,  I  dare  engage  she  will  read  a 
letter  about  witches  vanishing  in  air,  and  such  common  occur- 
rences, without  being  unnaturally  surprised,  to  the  annoyance 
of  honest  "Town." 

We  are  happy  to  observe  that  Mr.  Cooper  profits  by  the  in- 
structions of  friend  Town,  and  does  not  dip  the  daggers  in 
blood  so  deep  as  formerly  by  a  matter  of  an  inch  or  two.  This 
was  a  violent  outrage  upon  our  immortal  bard.  We  diffet- 
with  Mr.  Town  in  his  reading  of  the  words,  "this  is  a  sorry 
sight."  We  are  of  opinion  the  force  of  the  sentence  should  be 
thrown  on  the  word  sight,  because  Macbeth,  having  been 
shortly  before  most  confoundedly  humbugged  with  an  aerial 
dagger,  was  in  doubt  whether  the  daggers  actually  in  his 
hands  were  real,  or  whether  they  were  not  mere  shadows,  or 
as  the  old  English  may  have  termed  it,  syghtes  ;  (this,  at  any 
rate,  will  establish  our  skill  in  new  readings.}  Though  we 
differ  in  this  respect  from  our  neighbour  Town,  yet  we  heart- 
ily agree  with  him  in  ceneuring  Mr.  Cooper  for  omitting  that 


14  SALMAGUNDI. 

passage  so  remarkable  for  "beauty  of  imagery,"  &c.,  begin- 
ning with  "and  pity,  like  a  naked,  new-born  babe,"  &c.  It  is 
one  of  those  passages  of  Shakspeare  which  should  always  be 
retained,  for  the  purpose  of  showing  how  sometimes  that 
great  poet  could  talk  like  a  buzzard ;  or,  to  speak  more  plainly, 
like  the  famous  mad  poet  Nat  Lee. 

As  it  is  the  first  duty  of  a  friend  to  advise — and  as  we  pro- 
fess and  do  actually  feel  a  friendship  for  honest  "  Town"— we 
warn  him,  never  in  his  criticisms  to  meddle  with  a  lady's 
"  petticoats,"  or  to  quote  Me  Bottom.  In  the  first  instance  he 
may  "  catch  a  tartar;"  and  in  the  second,  the  ass's  head  may 
rise  up  in  judgment  against  him ;  and  when  it  is  once  afloat 
there  is  no  knowing  where  some  unlucky  hand  may  place  it. 
We  would  not,  for  all  the  money  in  our  pockets,  see  Town 
flourishing  his  critical  quill  under  the  auspices  of  an  ass's  head, 
like  the  great  Franklin  in  his  Monterio  Cap. 


NEW-YOEK  ASSEMBLY. 

BY  ANTHONY  EVERGREEN,  GENT. 

THE  assemblies  this  year  have  gained  a  great  accession  of 
beauty.  Several  brilliant  stars  have  arisen  from  the  east  and 
from  the  north  to  brighten  the  firmament  of  fashion ;  among 
the  number  I  have  discovered  another  planet,  which  rivals 
even  Venus  in  lustre,  and  I  claim  equal  honour  with  Herschol 
for  my  discovery.  I  shall  take  some  future  opportunity  to 
describe  this  planet,  and  the  numerous  satellites  which  revolve 
around  it. 

At  the  last  assembly  the  company  began  to  make  some  show 
about  eight,  but  the  most  fashionable  delayed  their  appearance 
until  about  nine— nine  being  the  number  of  the  muses,  and 
therefore  the  best  possible  hour  for  beginning  to  exhibit  the 
graces.  (This  is  meant  for  a  pretty  play  upon  words,  and  I 
assure  my  readers  that  I  think  it  very  tolerable.) 

Poor  WILL  HONEYCOMB,  whose  memory  I  hold  in  special 
consideration,  even  with  his  half  century  of  experience,  would 
have  been  puzzled  to  point  out  the  humours  of  a  lady  by  her 
prevailing  colours;  for  the  "rival  queens"  of  fashion,  Mrs. 
TOOLE  and  Madaine  BOUCHARD,  appeared  to  have  exhausted 


SALMAGUNDI.  15 

their  wonderful  inventions  in  the  different  disposition,  varia- 
tion, and  combination  of  tints  and  shades.  The  philosopher 
who  maintained  that  black  was  white,  and  that  of  course  there 
was  no  such  colour  as  white,  might  have  given  some  colour  to 
his  theory  on  this  occasion,  by  the  absence  of  poor  forsaken 
white  muslin.  I  was,  however,  much  pleased  to  see  that  red 
maintains  its  ground  against  all  other  colours,  because  red  is 
the  colour  of  Mr.  Jefferson's  *  *  *  *  *  *?  Tom  Paine's  nose, 
and  my  slippers. 

Let  the  grumbling  smellfungi  of  this  world,  who  cultivate 
taste  among  books,  cobwebs,  and  spiders,  rail  at  the  extrava- 
gance of  the  age;  for  my  part,  I  was  delighted  with  the  magic 
of  the  scene,  and  as  the  ladies  tripped  through  the  mazes  of 
the  dance,  sparkling  and  glowing  and  dazzling,  I,  like  the  hon- 
est Chinese,  thanked  them  heartily  for  the  jewels  and  finery 
with  which  they  loaded  themselves,  merely  for  the  entertain- 
ment of  by-standers,  and  blessed  my  stars  that  I  was  a 
bachelor. 

The  gentlemen  were  considerably  numerous,  and  being  as 
usual  equipt  in  their  appropriate  black  uniforms,  constituted 
a  sable  regiment  which  contributed  not  a  little  to  the  brilliant 
gayety  of  the  ball-room.  I  must  confess  I  am  indebted  for 
this  remark  to  our  friend,  the  cockney,  Mr.  'SBIDLIKENSFLASH, 
or  'Sbidlikens,  as  he  is  called  for  shortness.  He  is  a  fellow  of 
infinite  verbosity — stands  in  high  favour — with  himself— and, 
like  Caleb  Quotem,  is  "up  to  every  thing."  I  remember  when 
a  comfortable,  plumb-looking  citizen  led  into  the  room  a  fair 
damsel,  who  looked  for  all  the  world  like  the  personification 
of  a  rainbow:  'Sbidlikens  observed  that  it  reminded  him  of  a 
fable,  which  he  had  read  somewhere,  of  the  marriage  of  an 
honest,  painstaking  snail ;  who  had  once  walked  six  feet  in  an 
hour  for  a  wager,  to  a  butterfly  whom  he  used  to  gallant  by 
the  elbow,  with  the  aid  of  much  puffing  and  exertion.  On 
being  called  upon  to  tell  where  he  had  come  across  this  story, 
'Sbidlikens  absolutely  refused  to  answer. 

It  would  but  be  repeating  an  old  story  to  say,  that  the  ladies 
of  New- York  dance  well ; — and  well  may  they,  since  they  learn 
it  scientifically,  and  begin  their  lessons  before  they  have  quit 
their  swaddling  clothes.  The  immortal  DUPORT  has  usurped 
despotic  sway  over  all  the  female  heads  and  heels  in  this  city, 
—hornbooks,  primers,  and  pianos  are  neglected  to  attend  to 
his  positions ;  and  poor  CHILTON,  with  his  pots  and  kettles  and 
chemical  crockery,  finds  him  a  more  potent  enemy  than  tha 


16  SALMAGUNDI. 

whole  collective  force  of  the  "North  River  Society."  'Pbid- 
likens  insists  that  this  dancing  mania  will  inevitably  continue 
as  long  as  a  dancing-master  will  charge  the  fashionable  price 
of  five-and-twenty  dollars  a  quarter  and  all  the  other  accom- 
plishments are  so  vulgar  as  to  be  attainable  at  "half  the 
money;"— but  I  put  no  faith  in  'Sbidlikens'  candour  in  this 
particular.  Among  his  infinitude  of  endowments  he  is  but  a 
poor  proficient  in  dancing;  and  though  he  often  flounders 
through  a  cotillion,  yet  he  never  cut  a  pigeon-wing  in  his  life. 

In  my  mind  there's  no  position  more  positive  and  unexcep- 
tionable than  that  most  Frenchmen,  dead  or  alive,  are  born 
dancers.  I  came  pounce  upon  this  discovery  at  the  assembly, 
and  I  immediately  noted  it  down  in  my  register  of  indisputable 
facts : — the  public  shall  know  all  about  it.  As  I  never  dance 
cotillions,  holding  them  to  be  monstrous  distorters  of  the 
human  frame,  and  tantamount  in  their  operations  to  being 
broken  and  dislocated  on  the  wheel,  I  generally  take  occasion, 
while  they  are  going  on,  to  make  my  remarks  on  the  company. 
In  the  course  of  these  observations  I  was  struck  with  the  ener- 
gy and  eloquence  of  sundry  limbs,  which  seemed  to  be  flourish- 
ing about  without  appertaining  to  any  body.  After  much  in- 
vestigation and  difficulty,  I  at  length  traced  them  to  their  r«* 
spective  owners,  whom  I  found  to  be  all  Frenchmen  to  a  man. 
Art  may  have  meddled  somewhat  in  these  affairs,  but  nature 
certainly  did  more.  I  have  since  been  considerably  employed 
in  calculations  on  this  subject ;  and  by  the  most  accurate  com- 
putation I  have  determined  that  a  Frenchman  passes  at  least 
three-fifths  of  his  time  between  the  heavens  and  the  earth,  and 
partakes  eminently  of  the  nature  of  a  gossamer  or  soap-bubble. 
One  of  these  jack-o'-lantern  heroes,  in  taking  a  figure  which 
neither  Euclid  or  Pythagoras  himself  could  demonstrate,  unfor- 
tunately wound  himself — I  mean  his  feet,  his  better  part— into  a 
lady's  cobweb  muslin  robe ;  but  perceiving  it  at  the  instant,  he 
set  himself  a  spinning  the  other  way,  like  a  top,  unravelled  his 
step  without  omitting  one  angle  or  curve,  and  extricated  him- 
self without  breaking  a  thread  of  the  lady's  dress!  he  then 
sprung  up,  like  a  sturgeon,  crossed  his  feet  four  times,  and  fin- 
ished this  wonderful  evolution  by  quivering  his  left  leg,  as  a 
cat  does  her  paw  when  she  has  accidentally  dipped  it  in  water. 
No  man  "of  woman  born,"  who  was  not  a  Frenchman  or  a 
mountebank,  could  have  done  the  like. 

Among  the  new  faces,  I  remarked  a  blooming  nymph,  who 
has  brought  a  fresh  supply  of  roses  from  the  country  to  adorn 


SALMAGUNDI.  17 

the  wreath  of  beauty,  where  lilies  too  much  predominate.  As 
I  wish  well  to  every  sweet  face  under  heaven,  I  sincerely  hope 
her  roses  may  survive  the  frosts  and  dissipations  of  winter,  and 
lose  nothing  by  a  comparison  with  the  loveliest  offerings  of  the 
spring.  'Sbidlikens,  to  whom  I  made  similar  remarks,  assured 
me  that  they  were  very  just,  and  very  prettily  exprest ;  and 
that  the  lady  in  question  was  a  prodigious  fine  piece  of  flesh 
and  blood.  Now  could  I  find  it  in  my  heart  to  baste  these 
cockneys  like  their  own  roast-beef — they  can  make  no  distinc- 
tion between  a  fine  woman  and  a  fine  horse. 

I  would  praise  the  sylph-like  grace  with  which  another  young 
lady  acquitted  herself  in  the  dance,  but  that  she  excels  in  far 
more  valuable  accomplishments.  Who  praises  the  rose  for  its 
beauty,  even  though  it  is  beautiful. 

The  company  retired  at  the  customary  hour  to  the  supper- 
room,  where  the  tables  were  laid  out  with  their  usual  splen- 
dour and  profusion.  My  friend,  'Sbidlikens,  with  the  native 
forethought  of  a  cockney,  had  carefully  stowed  his  pocket  with 
cheese  and  crackers,  that  he  might  not  be  tempted  again  to 
venture  his  limbs  in  the  crowd  of  hungry  fair  ones  who  throng 
the  supper-room  door;  his  precaution  was  unnecessary,  for  the 
company  entered  the  room  with  surprising  order  and  decorum. 
No  gowns  were  torn — no  ladies  fainted— no  noses  bled — nor  was 
there  any  need  of  the  interference  of  either  managers  or  peace 
officers. 


18  SALMAGUNDI. 


NO.  II.-WEDNESDAY,  FEB'Y  4,  1807. 


FROM   THE  ELBOW-CHAIR  OF  LAUNCELOT  LANGK 
STAFF,   ESQ. 

IN  the  conduct  of  an  epic  poem,  it  has  been  the  custom,  from 
time  immemorial,  for  the  poet  occasionally  to  introduce  his 
reader  to  an  intimate  acquaintance  with  the  heroes  of  his  story, 
by  conducting  him  into  their  tents,  and  giving  him  an  oppor- 
tunity of  observing  them  in  their  night-gown  and  slippers. 
However  I  despise  the  servile  genius  that  would  descend  to  fol- 
low a  precedent,  though  furnished  by  Homer  himself,  and  con- 
sider him  as  on  a  par  with  the  cart  that  follows  at  the  heels  of 
the  horse,  without  ever  taking  the  lead,  yet  at  the  present  mo- 
ment my  whim  is  opposed  to  my  opinion ;  and  whenever  this 
is  the  case,  my  opinion  generally  surrenders  at  discretion.  I 
am  determined,  therefore,  to  give  the  town  a  peep  into  our 
divan ;  and  I  shall  repeat  it  as  often  as  I  please,  to  show  that  I 
intend  to  be  sociable. 

The  other  night  Will  Wizard  and  Evergreen  called  upon  me, 
to  pass  away  a  few  hours  in  social  chat  and  hold  a  kind  of 
council  of  war.  To  give  a  zest  to  our  evening  I  uncorked  a 
bottle  of  London  particular,  which  has  grown  old  with  myself, 
and  which  never  fails  to  excite  a  smile  in  the  countenances  of 
my  old  cronies,  to  whom  alone  it  is  devoted.  After  some  little 
time  the  conversation  turned  on  the  effect  produced  by  our 
first  number ;  every  one  had  his  budget  of  information,  and  I 
assure  my  readers  that  we  laughed  most  unceremoniously  at 
their  expense ;  they  will  excuse  us  for  our  merriment — 'tis  a 
way  we've  got.  Evergreen,  who  is  equally  a  favourite  and 
companion  of  young  and  old,  was  particularly  satisfactory  in 
his  details ;  and  it  was  highly  amusing  to  hear  how  different 
characters  were  tickled  with  different  passages.  The  old  folks 
were  delighted  to  find  there  was  a  bias  in  our  junto  towards 


SALMAGUNDI.  19 

the  "good  old  times;"  and  he  particularly  noticed  a  worthy 
old  gentleman  of  his  acquaintance,  who  had  been  somewhat  a 
beau  in  his  day,  whose  eyes  brightened  at  the  bare  mention  of 
Kissing-bridge.  It  recalled  to  his  recollection  several  of  his 
youthful  exploits,  at  that  celebrated  pass,  on  which  he  seemed 
to  dwell  with  great  pleasure  and  self-complacency ; — he  hoped, 
he  said,  that  the  bridge  might  be  preserved  for  the  benefit  of 
posterity,  and  as  a  monument  of  the  gallantry  of  their  grand- 
fathers ;  and  even  hinted  at  the  expediency  of  erecting  a  toll- 
gate,  to  collect  the  forfeits  of  the  ladies.  But  the  most  flatter- 
ing testimony  of  approbation,  which  our  work  has  received, 
was  from  an  old  lady,  who  never  laughed  but  once  in  her  life, 
and  that  was  at  the  conclusion  of  the  last  war.  She  was  de- 
tected by  friend  Anthony  in  the  very  fact  of  laughing  most 
obstreperously  at  the  description  of  the  little  dancing  French- 
man. Now  it  glads  my  very  heart  to  find  our  effusions  have 
such  a  pleasing  effect.  I  venerate  the  aged,  and  joy  whenever 
it  is  in  my  power  to  scatter  a  few  flowers  in  their  path. 

The  young  people  were  particularly  interested  in  the  account 
of  the  assembly.  There  was  some  difference  of  opinion  re- 
specting the  new  planet,  and  the  blooming  nymph  from  the 
country ;  but  as  to  the  compliment  paid  to  the  fascinating  little 
sylph  who  danced  so  gracefully— every  lady  modestly  took 
that  to  herself. 

Evergreen  mentioned  also  that  the  young  ladies  were  ex- 
tremely anxious  to  learn  the  true  mode  of  managing  their 
beaux;  and  Miss  DIANA  WEARWELL,  who  is  as  chaste  as  an 
icicle,  has  seen  a  few  superfluous  winters  pass  over  her  head, 
and  boasts  of  having  slain  her  thousands,  wished  to  know  how 
old  maids  were  to  do  without  husbands; — not  that  she  was 
very  curious  about  the  matter,  she  "  only  asked  for  informa- 
tion." Several  ladies  expressed  their  earnest  desire  that  we 
would  not  spare  those  wooden  gentlemen  who  perform  the 
parts  of  mutes,  or  stalking  horses,  in  their  drawing-rooms; 
and  their  mothers  were  equally  anxious  that  we  would  show 
no  quarter  to  those  lads  of  spirit,  who  now  and  then  cut  their 
bottles  to  enliven  a  tea-party  with  the  humours  of  the  dinner- 
table. 

Will  Wizard  was  not  a  little  chagrined  at  having  been  mis- 
taken for  a  gentleman,  "who  is  no  more  like  me,"  said  Will, 
"than  I  like  Hercules."—"!  was  well  assured,"  continued 
Will,  "that  as  our  characters  were  drawn  from  nature,  the 
originals  would  be  found  in  every  society.  And  so  it  has  hap- 


20  SALMAGUNDI. 

pened— every  little  circle  has  its  'Sbidlikens ;  and  the  cockney, 
intended  merely  as  the  representative  of  his  species,  has 
dwindled  into  an  insignificant  individual,  who  having  recog- 
nised his  own  likeness,  has  foolishly  appropriated  to  himself  a 
picture  for  which  he  *never  sat.  Such,  too,  has  been  the  case 
with  DING-DONG,  who  has  kindly  undertaken  to  be  my  repre- 
sentative ; — not  that  I  care  much  about  the  matter,  for  it  must 
be  acknowledged  that  the  animal  is  a  good  animal  enough ; — 
and  what  is  more,  a  fashionable  animal— and  this  is  saying 
more  than  to  call  him  a  conjurer.  But,  I  am  much  mistaken 
if  he  can  claim  any  affinity  to  the  Wizard  family. — Surely 
every  body  knows  Ding-dong,  the  gentle  Ding-dong,  who  per- 
vades all  space,  who  is  here  and  there  and  every  where ;  no 
tea-party  can  be  complete  without  Ding-dong— and  his  appear- 
ance is  sure  to  occasion  a  smile.  Ding-dong  has  been  the 
occasion  of  much  wit  in  his  day;  I  have  even  seen  many 
whipsters  attempt  to  be  dull  at  his  expense,  who  were  as  much 
inferior  to  him  as  the  gad-fly  is  to  the  ox  that  he  buzzes  about. 
Does  any  witling  want  to  distress  the  company  with  a  misera- 
ble pun?  nobody's  name  presents  sooner  than  Ding-dong's; 
and  it  has  been  played  upon  with  equal  skill  and  equal  enter- 
tainment to  the  by-standers  as  Trinity-bells.  Ding-dong  is 
profoundly  devoted  to  the  ladies,  and  highly  entitled  to  their 
regard ;  for  I  know  no  man  who  makes  a  better  bow,  or  talks 
less  to  the  purpose  than  Ding-dong.  Ding-dong  has  acquired  a 
prodigious  fund  of  knowledge  by  reading  Dilworth  when  a 
boy ;  and  the  other  day,  on  being  asked  who  was  the  author 
of  Macbeth,  answered,  without  the  least  hesitation — Shak- 
speare !  Ding-dong  has  a  quotation  for  every  day  of  the  year, 
and  every  hour  of  the  day,  and  every  minute  of  the  hour;  but 
he  often  commits  petty  larcenies  on  the  poets— plucks  the  gray 
hairs  of  old  Chaucer's  head,  and  claps  them  on  the  chin  of 
Pope;  and  filches  Johnson's  wig,  to  cover  the  bald  pate  of 
Homer;— but  his  blunders  pass  undetected  by  one-half  of  his 
hearers.  Ding-dong,  it  is  true,  though  he  has  long  wrangled 
at  our  bar,  cannot  boast  much  of  his  legal  knowledge,  nor  does 
his  forensic  eloquence  entitle  him  to  rank  with  a  Cicero  or  a 
Demosthenes ;  but  bating  his  professional  deficiencies,  he  is  a 
man  of  most  delectable  discourse,  and  can  hold  forth  for  an 
hour  upon  the  colour  of  a  riband  or  the  construction  of  a  work- 
bag.  Ding-dong  is  now  in  his  fortieth  year,  or  perhaps  a  little 
more — rivals  all  the  little  beaux  in  the  town,  in  his  attentions 
to  the  ladies — is  in  a  state  pf  rapid  improvement;  and  there  is 


SALMAGUNDI.  21 

no  doubt  bu'  that  by  the  time  he  arrives  at  years  of  discretion, 
he  will  be  a  very  accomplished,  agreeable  young  fellow." — I 
advise  all  clever,  good-f or-nothing,  ,"  learned  and  authentic 
gentlemen,"  to  take  care  how  they  wear  this  cap,  however 
well  it  fits ;  and  to  bear  in  mind,  that  our  characters  are  not 
individuals,  but  species:  if,  after  this  warning,  any  person 
chooses  to  represent  Mr.  Ding-dong,  the  sin  is  at  his  own  door; 
we  wash  our  hands  of  it. 

We  all  sympathized  with  Wizard,  that  he  should  be  mis- 
taken for  a  person  so  very  different ;  and  I  hereby  assure  my 
readers,  that  William  Wizard  is  no  other  person  in  the  whole 
world  but  William  Wizard ;  so  I  beg  I  may  hear  no  more  con- 
jectures on  the  subject.  Will  is,  in  fact,  a  wiseacre  by  inherit- 
ance. The  Wizard  family  has  long  been  celebrated  for  know- 
ing more  than  their  neighbours,  particularly  concerning  their 
neighbours'  affairs.  They  were  anciently  called  JOSSELIN  ;  but 
Will's  great  uncle,  by  the  father's  side,  having  been  accident- 
ally burnt  for  a  witch  in  Connecticut,  in  consequence  of  blow- 
ing up  his  own  house  in  a  philosophical  experiment,  the 
family,  in  order  to  perpetuate  the  recollection  of  this  memora- 
ble circumstance,  assumed  the  name  and  arms  of  Wizard ;  and 
have  borne  them  ever  since. 

In  the  course  of  my  customary  morning's  walk,  I  stopped  in 
a  book-store,  which  is  noted  for  being  the  favourite  haunt  of  a 
number  of  literati,  some  of  whom  rank  high  in  the  opinion  of 
the  world,  and  others  rank  equally  high  in  their  own.  Here  I 
found  a  knot  of  queer  fellows  listening  to  one  of  their  com- 
pany who  was  reading  our  paper ;  I  particularly  noticed  Mr. 
ICHABOD  FUNGUS  among  the  number. 

Fungus  is  one  of  those  fidgeting,  meddling  quidnuncs,  with 
which  this  unhappy  city  is  pestered:  one  of  your  "Q  in  a 
corner  fellows,"  who  speaks  volumes  with  a  wink; — conveys 
most  portentous  information,  by  laying  his  finger  beside  his 
nose, — and  is  always  smelling  a  rat  in  the  most  trifling  occur- 
rence. He  listened  to  our  work  with  the  most  frigid  gravity — 
every  now  and  then  gave  a  mysterious  shrug — a  humph— or  a 
screw  of  the  mouth ;  and  on  being  asked  his  opinion  at  the 
conclusion,  said,  he  did  not  know  what  to  think  of  it; — he 
hoped  it  did  not  mean  any  thing  against  the  government— that 
no  lurking  treason  was  couched  in  all  this  talk.  These  were 
dangerous  times— times  of  plot  and  conspiracy ;  he  did  not  at 
all  like  those  stars  after  Mr.  Jefferson's  name,  they  had  an  air 
of  concealment.  DICK  PADDLE,  who  was  one  of  the  group, 


22  SALMAGUNDI. 

undertook  our  cause.  Dick  is  known  to  the  world,  as  being  a 
most  knowing  genius,  who  can  see  as  far  as  any  body — into  a 
millstone;  maintains,  in  the  teeth  of  all  argument,  that  a 
spade  is  a  spade;  and  will  labour  a  good  half  hour  by  St. 
Paul's  clock,  to  establish  a  self-evident  fact.  Dick  assured  old 
Fungus,  that  those  stars  merely  stood  for  Mr.  Jefferson's  red 
what-d'ye-call-ems;  and  that  so  far  from  a  conspiracy  against 
their  peace  and  prosperity,  the  authors,  whom  he  knew  very 
well,  were  only  expressing  their  high  respect  for  them.  The  old 
man  shook  his  head,  shrugged  his  shoulders,  gave  a  mysteri- 
ous Lord  Burleigh  nod,  said  he  hoped  it  might  be  so ;  but  he 
was  by  no  means  satisfied  with  this  attack  upon  the  Presi- 
dent's breeches,  as  "thereby  hangs  a  tale." 


ME.  WILSON'S  CONCERT. 

BY  ANTHONY  EVERGREEN,  GENT. 

IN  my  register  of  indisputable  facts  I  have  noted  it  conspicu- 
ously that  all  modern  music  is  but  the  mere  dregs  and  drain- 
ing of  the  ancient,  and  that  all  the  spirit  and  vigour  of  har- 
mony has  entirely  evaporated  in  the  lapse  of  ages.  Oh !  for 
the  chant  of  the  Naiades,  and  Dryades,  the  shell  of  the  Tritons, 
and  the  sweet  warblings  of  the  Mermaids  of  ancient  days! 
where  now  shall  we  seek  the  Amphion,  who  built  walls  with  a 
turn  of  his  hurdy-gurdy,  the  Orpheus  who  made  stones  to 
whistle  about  his  ears,  and  trees  hop  in  a  country  dance,  by 
the  mere  quavering  of  his  fiddle-stick !  ah !  had  I  the  power  of 
the  former  how  soon  would  I  build  up  the  new  City-Hall,  and 
save  the  cash  and  credit  of  the  Corporation ;  and  how  much 
sooner  would  I  build  my  self  a  snug  house  in  Broadway:— nor 
would  it  be  the  first  time  a  house  has  been  obtained  there  for  a 
song.  In  my  opinion,  the  Scotch  bag-pipe  is  the  only  instru- 
ment that  rivals  the  ancient  lyre ;  and  I  am  surprised  it  should 
be  almost  the  only  one  entirely  excluded  from  our  concerts. 

Talking  of  concerts  reminds  me  of  that  given  a  few  nights 
since  by  Mr.  WILSON  ;  at  which  I  had  the  misfortune  of  being 
present.  It  was  attended  by  a  numerous  company,  and  gave 
great  satisfaction,  if  I  may  be  allowed  to  judge  from  the 
frequent  gapings  of  the  audience;  though  I  will  not  risk  my 


SALMAGUNDI.  23 

credit  as  a  connoisseur,  by  saying  whether  they  proceeded 
from  wonder  or  a  violent  inclination  to  doze.  I  was  delighted 
to  find  in  the  mazes  of  the  crowd,  my  particular  friend 
SNIVERS,  who  had  put  on  his  cognoscenti  phiz— he  being, 
according  to  his  own  account,  a  profound  adept  in  the  science 
of  music.  He  can  tell  a  crotchet  at  first  sight ;  and,  like  a  true 
Englishman,  is  delighted  with  the  plum-pudding  rotundity  of 
a  semibref;  and,  in  short,  boasts  of  having  incontinently 
climbed  up  Paff's  musical  tree,  which  hangs  every  day  upon 
the  poplar,  from  the  fundamental  concord,  to  the  fundamental 
major  discord;  and  so  on  from  branch  to  branch,  until  he 
reached  the  very  top,  where  he  sung  "Rule  Britannia," 
clapped  his  wings,  and  then— came  down  again.  Like  all  true 
trans-atlantic  judges,  he  suffers  most  horribly  at  our  musical 
entertainments,  and  assures  me,  that  what  with  the  con- 
founded scraping,  and  scratching,  and  grating  of  our  fiddlers, 
he  thinks  the  sitting  out  one  of  our  concerts  tantamount  to  the 
punishment  of  that  unfortunate  saint,  who  was  frittered  in 
two  with  a  hand-saw. 

The  concert  was  given  in  the  tea-room,  at  the  City-Hotel ;  an 
apartment  admirably  calculated,  by  its  dingy  walls,  beauti- 
fully marbled  with  smoke,  to  show  off  the  dresses  and  com- 
plexions of  the  ladies;  and  by  the  flatness  of  its  ceiling  to 
repress  those  impertinent  reverberations  of  the  music,  which, 
whatever  others  may  foolishly  assert,  are,  as  Snivers  says, 
uno  better  than  repetitions  of  old  stories." 

Mr.  Wilson  gave  me  infinite  satisfaction  by  the  gentility  of 
his  demeanour,  and  the  roguish  looks  he  now  and  then  cast  at 
the  ladies,  but  we  fear  his  excessive  modesty  threw  him  into 
some  little  confusion,  for  he  absolutely  forgot  himself,  and  in 
the  whole  course  of  his  entrances  and  exits,  never  once  made 
his  bow  to  the  audience.  On  the  whole,  however,  I  think  he 
has  a  fine  voice,  sings  with  great  taste,  and  is  a  very  modest, 
good-looking  little  man ;  but  I  beg  leave  to  repeat  the  advice  so 
often  given  by  the  illustrious  tenants  of  the  theatrical  sky- 
parlour,  to  the  gentlemen  who  are  charged  with  the  "  nice 
conduct"  of  chairs  and  tables — "make  a  bow,  Johnny — 
Johnny,  make  a  bow  1" 

I  cannot,  on  this  occasion,  but  express  my  surprise  that  cer- 
tain amateurs  should  be  so  frequently  at  concerts,  considering 
what  agonies  they  suffer  while  a  piece  of  music  is  playing. 
I  defy  any  man  of  common  humanity,  and  who  has  not  the 
heart  of  a  Choctaw,  to  contemplate  the  countenance  of  one  of 


24  SALMAGUNDI. 

these  unhappy  victims  of  a  fiddle-stick  without  feeling  a  senti- 
ment of  compassion.  His  whole  visage  is  distorted ;  he  rolls 
up  his  eyes,  as  M'Sycophant  says,  "like  a  duck  in  thunder," 
and  the  music  seems  to  operate  upon  him  like  a  fit  of  the 
colic :  his  very  howels  seem  to  sympathize  at  every  twang  of 
the  cat-gut,  as  if  he  heard  at  that  moment  the  wailings  of  the 
helpless  animal  that  had  been  sacrificed  to  harmony.  Nor 
does  the  hero  of  the  orchestra  seem  less  affected ;  as  soon  as 
the  signal  is  given,  he  seizes  his  fiddle-stick,  makes  a  most 
horrible  grimace,  scowls  fiercely  upon  his  music-book,  as 
though  he  would  grin  every  crotchet  and  quaver  out  of  counte- 
nance. I  have  sometimes  particularly  noticed  a  hungry -looking 
Gaul,  who  torments  a  huge  bass-viol,  and  who  is,  doubtless,  the 
original  of  the  famous  "  Raw-head-and-bloody -bones,"  so  potent 
in  frightening  naughty  children. 

The  person  who  played  the  French-horn  was  very  excellent 
in  his  way,  but  Snivers  could  not  relish  his  performance,  hav- 
ing sometime  since  heard  a  gentleman  amateur  in  Gotham 
play  a  solo  on  his  proboscis,  in  a  style  infinitely  superior;— 
Snout,  the  bellows-mender,  never  turned  his  wind  instrument 
more  musically;  nor  did  the  celebrated  "  knight  of  the  burn- 
ing lamp,"  ever  yield  more  exquisite  entertainment  with  his 
nose;  this  gentleman  had  latterly  ceased  to  exhibit  this  pro- 
digious accomplishment,  having,  it  was  whispered,  hired  out 
his  snout  to  a  ferryman,  who  had  lost  his  conch-shell; — the 
consequence  was  that  he  did  not  show  his  nose  in  company  so 
frequently  as  before. 


SITTING  late  the  other  evening  in  my  elbow-chair,  indulging 
in  that  kind  of  indolent  meditation,  which  I  consider  the  per- 
fection of  human  bliss,  I  was  roused  from  my  reverie  by  the 
entrance  of  an  old  servant  in  the  COCKLOFT  livery,  who  handed 
me  a  letter,  containing  the  following  address  from  my  cousin 
and  old  college  chum,  PINDAR  COCKLOFT. 

Honest  ANDREW,  as  he  delivered  it,  informed  me  that  his 
master,  who  resides  a  little  way  from  town,  on  reading  a  small 
pamphlet  in  a  neat  yellow  cover,  rubbed  his  hands  with 
symptoms  of  great  satisfaction,  called  for  his  favourite 
Chinese  inkstand,  with  two  sprawling  Mandarines  for  its  sup- 
porters, and  wrote  the  letter  which  he  had  the  honour  to 
present  ma 


SALMAGUNDI.  25 

As  I  foresee  my  cousin  will  one  day  become  a  great  favourite 
with  the  public,  and  as  I  know  him  to  be  somewhat  punctilious 
as  it  respects  etiquette,  I  shall  take  this  opportunity  to  gratify 
the  old  gentleman  by  giving  him  a  proper  introduction  to  the 
fashionable  world.  The  Cockloft  family,  to  which  I  have  the 
comfort  of  being  related,  has  been  fruitful  in  old  bachelors 
and  humourists,  as  will  be  perceived  when  I  come  to  treat 
more  of  its  history.  My  cousin  Pindar  is  one  of  its  most  con- 
spicuous members— he  is  now  in  his  fifty-eighth  year — is  a 
bachelor,  partly  through  choice,  and  partly  through  chance, 
and  an  oddity  of  the  first  water.  Half  his  life  has  been  em- 
ployed in  writing  odes,  sonnets,  epigrams,  and  elegies,  which 
he  seldom  shows  to  any  body  but  myself  after  they  are 
written ;  and  all  the  old  chests,  drawers,  and  chair-bottoms  in 
the  house,  teem  with  his  productions. 

In  his  younger  days  he  figured  as  a  dashing  blade  in  the 
great  world ;  and  no  young  fellow  of  the  town  wore  a  longer 
pig-tail,  or  carried  more  buckram  in  his  skirts.  From  sixteen 
to  thirty  he  was  continually  in  love,  and  during  that  period, 
to  use  his  own  words,  he  be-scribbled  more  paper  than  would 
serve  the  theatre  for  snow-storms  a  whole  season.  The  even- 
ing of  his  thirtieth  birthday,  as  he  sat  by  the  fireside,  as  much 
in  love  as  ever  was  man  in  the  world  and  writing  the  name  of 
histmistress  in  the  ashes,  with  an  old  tongs  that  had  lost  one 
of  its  legs,  he  was  seized  with  a  whim-wham  that  he  was  an 
old  fool  to  be  in  love  at  his  time  of  life.  It  was  ever  one  of 
the  Cockloft  characteristics  to  strike  to  whim ;  and  had  Pindar 
stood  out  on  this  occasion  he  would  have  brought  the  reputa- 
tion of  his  mother  in  question.  From  that  time  he  gave  up  all 
particular  attentions  to  the  ladies ;  and  though  he  still  loves 
their  company,  he  has  never  been  known  to  exceed  the  bounds 
of  common  courtesy  in  his  intercourse  with  them.  He  was 
the  life  and  ornament  of  our  family  circle  in  town,  until  the 
epoch  of  the  French  revolution,  which  sent  so  many  unfor- 
tunate dancing-masters  from  their  country  to  polish  and  en- 
lighten our  hemisphere.  This  was  a  sad  time  for  Pindar,  who 
had  taken  a  genuine  Cockloft  prejudice  against  every  thing 
French,  ever  since  he  was  brought  to  death's  door  by  a  ragout: 
he  groaned  at  Ca  Ira,  and  the  Marseilles  Hymn  had  much  the 
same  effect  upon  him  that  sharpening  a  knife  on  a  dry  whet- 
stone has  upon  some  people ; — it  set  his  teeth  chattering.  He 
might  in  time  have  been  reconciled  to  these  rubs,  had  not  the 
introduction  of  French  cockades  on  the  hats  of  our  citizens 


26  SALMAGUNDI. 

absolutely  thrown  him  into  a  fever.  The  first  time  he  saw  an 
instance  of  this  kind,  he  came  home  with  great  precipitation, 
packed  up  his  trunk,  his  old-fashioned  writing-desk,  and  his 
Chinese  ink-stand,  and  made  a  kind  of  growling  retreat  to 
Cockloft-Hall,  where  he  has  resided  ever  since. 

My  cousin  Pindar  is  of  a  mercurial  disposition, — a  humour- 
ist without  ill-nature — he  is  of  the  true  gun-powder  temper; — 
one  flash  and  all  is  over.  It  is  true  when  the  wind  is  easterly, 
or  the  gout  gives  him  a  gentle  twinge,  or  he  hears  of  any  new 
successes  of  the  French,  he  will  become  a  little  splenetic ;  and 
heaven  help  the  man,  and  more  particularly  the  woman,  that 
crosses  his  humour  at  that  moment;— she  is  sure  to  receive  no 
quarter.  These  are  the  most  sublime  moments  of  Pindar.  I 
swear  to  you,  dear  ladies  and  gentlemen,  I  would  not  lose  one 
of  these  splenetic  bursts  for  the  best  wig  in  my  wardrobe; 
even  though  it  were  proved  to  be  the  identical  wig  worn  by 
the  sage  Linkum  Fidelius,  when  he  demonstrated  before  the 
whole  university  of  Leyden,  that  it  was  possible  to  make 
bricks  without  straw.  I  have  seen  the  old  gentleman  blaze 
forth  such  a  volcanic  explosion  of  wit,  ridicule,  and  satire, 
that  I  was  almost  tempted  to  believe  him  inspired.  But  these 
sallies  only  lasted  for  a  moment,  and  passed  like  summer 
clouds  over  the  benevolent  sunshine  which  ever  warmed  his 
heart  and  lighted  up  his  countenance. 

Time,  though  it  has  dealt  roughly  with  his  person,  has 
passed  lightly  over  the  graces  of  his  mind,  and  left  him  in  full 
possession  of  all  the  sensibilities  of  youth.  His  eye  kindles  at 
the  relation  of  a  noble  and  generous  action,  his  heart  melts  at 
the  story  of  distress,  and  he  is  still  a  warm  admirer  of  the 
fair.  Like  all  old  bachelors,  however,  he  looks  back  with  a 
fond  and  lingering  eye  on  the  period  of  his  boyhood;  and 
would  sooner  suffer  the  pangs  of  matrimony  than  acknowl- 
edge that  the  world,  or  any  thing  in  it,  is  half  so  clever  as  it 
was  in  those  good  old  times  that  are  "gone  by." 

I  believe  I  have  already  mentioned,  that  with  all  his  good 
qualities  he  is  a  humourist,  and  a  humourist  of  the  highest 
order.  He  has  some  of  the  most  intolerable  whim-whams  I 
ever  met  with  in  my  life,  and  his  oddities  are  sufficient  to  eke 
out  a  hundred  tolerable  originals.  But  I  will  not  enlarge  on 
them — enough  has  been  told  to  excite  a  desire  to  know  more ; 
and  I  am  much  mistaken,  if  in  the  course  of  half  a  dozen  of 
our  numbers,  he  don't  tickle,  plague,  please,  and  perplex  the 
whole  town,  and  completely  establish  his  claim  to  the  laure* 


SALMAGUNDI.  27 

ateship  he  has  solicited,  and  with  which  we  hereby  invest 
him,  recommending  him  and  his  effusions  to  public  reverent 
and  respect. 

LAUNCELOT 


TO  LAUNCELOT  LANGSTAFF,  ESQ. 

DEAR  LAUNCE, 

As  I  find  you  have  taken  the  quill, 
To  put  our  gay  town,  and  its  fair  under  drill, 
I  offer  my  hopes  for  success  to  your  cause, 
And  send  you  unvarnish'd  my  mite  of  applause. 

Ah,  Launce,  this  poor  town  has  been  wofully  fash'd ; 
Has  long  been  be-Frenchman'd,  be-cockney'd,  be-trash'd ; 
And  our  ladies  be-devil'd,  bewilder'd  astray, 
From,  the  rules  of  there  grandames  have  wander'd  away. 
No  longer  that  modest  demeanour  we  meet, 
Which  whilom  the  eyes  of  our  fathers  did  greet ; — 
No  longer  be-mobbled,  be-ruffled,  be-quill'd, 
Be-po\vder'd,  be-hooded,  be-patch'd,  and  be-frill'd, — 
No  longer  our  fair  ones  their  grograms  display, 
And  stiff  in  brocade,  strut  "  like  castles"  away. 

Oh,  how  fondly  my  soul  forms  departed  have  traced, 
When  our  ladies  in  stays,  and  in  boddice  well  laced, 
When  bishop'd,  and  cushion'd,  and  hoop'd  to  the  ohm, 
Well  callash'd  without,  and  well  bolster'd  within ; 
All  cased  in  their  buckrams,  from  crown  down  to  tail, 
Like  O'Brallagan's  mistress,  were  shaped  like  a  pail. 

Well — peace  to  those  fashions — the  joy  of  our  eyes — 
Tempora  mutantur, — new  follies  will  rise; 
Yet,  "like  joys  that  are  past,"  they  still  crowd  on  the  mind, 
In  moments  of  thought,  as  the  soul  looks  behind. 

Sweet  days  of  our  boyhood,  gone  by,  my  dear  Launce, 
Like  the  shadows  of  night,  or  the  forms  in  a  trance ; 
Yet  oft  we  retrace  those  bright  visions  again, 
Nos  mutamur,  'tis  true— but  those  visions  remain. 
I  recall  with  delight,  how  my  bosom  would  creep, 
When  some  delicate  foot  from  its  chamber  would  peep ; 
And  when  I  a  neat  stocking'd  ankle  could  spy, 
—By  the  sages  of  old,  I  was  rapt  to  the  sky ! 


28  SALMAGUNDI. 

All  then  was  retiring — was  modest — discreet ; 

The  beauties,  all  shrouded,  were  left  to  conceit ; 

To  the  visions  which  fancy  would  form  in  her  eye, 

Of  graces  that  snug  in  soft  ambush  would  lie ; 

And  the  heart,  like  the  poets,  in  thought  would  pursue 

The  elysium  of  bliss,  which  was  veil'd  from  its  view. 

We  are  old-f ashion'd  fellows,  our  nieces  will  say : 
Old-fashion'd,  indeed,  coz — and  swear  it  they  may — 
For  I  freely  confess  that  it  yields  me  no  pride, 
To  see  them  all  blaze  what  their  mothers  would  hide : 
To  see  them,  all  shivering,  some  cold  winter's  day, 
So  lavish  their  beauties  and  graces  display, 
And  give  to  each  f opling  that  offers  his  hand, 
Like  Moses  from  Pisgah — a  peep  at  the  land. 

But  a  truce  with  complaining— the  object  in  view 
Is  to  offer  my  help  in  the  work  you  pursue ; 
And  as  your  effusions  and  labours  sublime, 
May  need,  now  and  then,  a  few  touches  of  rhyme, 
I  humbly  solicit,  as  cousin  and  friend, 
A  quiddity,  quirk,  or  remonstrance  to  send : 
Or  should  you  a  laureate  want  in  your  plan, 
By  the  muff  of  my  grandmother,  I  am  your  man ! 
You  must  know  I  have  got  a  poetical  mill, 
Which  with  odd  lines,  and  couplets,  and  triplits  I  fill; 
And  a  poem  I  grind,  as  from  rags  white  and  blue 
The  paper-mill  yields  you  a  sheet  fair  and  new. 
I  can  grind  down  an  ode,  or  an  epic  that's  long, 
Into  sonnet,  acrostic,  conundrum,  or  song: 
As  to  dull  hudibrastic,  so  boasted  of  late, 
The  doggerel  discharge  of  some  muddled  brain'd  pate, 
I  can  grind  it  by  wholesale— and  give  it  its  point, 
With  billingsgate  dish'd  up  in  rhymes  out  of  joint. 
!    I  have  read  all  the  poets— and  got  them  by  heart, 
Can  slit  them,  and  twist  them,  and  take  them  apart ; 
Can  cook  up  an  ode  out  of  patches  and  shreds, 
To  muddle  my  readers,  and  bother  their  heads. 
Old  Homer,  and  Virgil,  and  Ovid  I  scan, 
Anacreon,  and  Sappho,  who  changed  to  a  swan  ;— 
Iambics  and  sapphics  I  grind  at  my  will, 
And  with  ditties  of  love  every  noddle  can  fill. 

Oh,  'twould  do  your  heart  good,  Launce,  to  see  my  mill 

grind 
Old  stuff  into  verses,  and  poems  refin'd ; — 


SALMAGUNDI.  29 

Dan  Spencer,  Dan  Chaucer,  those  poets  of  old, 
Though  cover'd  with  dust,  are  yet  true  sterling  gold; 
I  can  grind  off  their  tarnish,  and  bring  them  to  view, 
New  modell'd,  new  mill'd,  and  improved  in  their  hue. 

But  I  promise  no  more — only  give  me  the  place, 
And  I'll  warrant  I'll  fill  it  with  credit  and  grace; 
By  the  living !  I'll  figure  and  cut  you  a  dash 
--As  bold  as  Will  Wizard,  or  'SBIDLIKENS-FLASH  I 

PINDAR  COCKLOFT. 


ADVERTISEMENT. 

PERHAPS  the  most  fruitful  source  of  mortification  to  a  merry 
writer  who,  for  the  amusement  of  himself  and  the  public, 
employs  his  leisure  in  sketching  odd  characters  from  imagina- 
tion, is,  that  he  cannot  flourish  his  pen,  but  every  Jack-pud- 
ding imagines  it  is  pointed  directly  at  himself :— he  cannot, 
in  his  gambols,  throw  a  fool's  cap  among  the  crowd,  but  every 
queer  fellow  insists  upon  puttng  it  on  his  own  head ;  or  chalk 
an  outlandish  figure,  but  every  outlandish  genius  is  eager  to 
write  his  own  name  under  it.  However  we  may  be  mortified, 
that  these  men  should  each  individually  think  himself  of  suffi- 
cient consequence  to  engage  our  attention,  we  should  not  care 
a  rush  about  it,  if  they  did  not  get  into  a  passion  and  com- 
plain of  having  been  ill-used. 

It  is  not  in  our  hearts  to  hurt  the  feelings  of  one  single 
mortal,  by  holding  him  up  to  public  ridicule ;  and  if  it  were, 
we  lay  it  down  as  one  of  our  indisputable  facts,  that  no  man 
can  be  made  ridiculous  but  by  his  own  folly.  As,  however, 
we  are  aware  that  when  a  man  by  chance  gets  a  thwack  in  the 
crowd,  he  is  apt  to  suppose  the  blow  was  intended  exclusively 
for  himself,  and  so  fall  into  unreasonable  anger,  we  have  de- 
termined to  let  these  crusty  gentry  know  what  kind  of  satis 
faction  they  are  to  expect  from  us.  We  are  resolved  not  to 
fight,  for  three  special  reasons ;  first,  because  fighting  is  at  all 
events  extremely  troublesome  and  inconvenient,  particularly 
at  this  season  of  the  year;  second,  because  if  either  of  us 
should  happen  to  be  killed,  it  would  be  a  great  loss  to  the 
public,  and  rob  them  of  many  a  good  laugh  we  have  in  store 
for  their  amusement ;  and  third,  because  if  we  should  chance 
to  kill  our  adversary,  as  is  most  likely,  for  we  can  every  one 


90  SALMAGUNDI. 

of  us  split  uails  upon  razors,  and  snuff  candles,  it  would  be  a 
loss  to  our  publisher,  by  depriving  him  of  a  good  customer. 
If  any  gentleman  casuist  will  give  three  as  good  reasons  for 
fighting,  we  promise  him  a  complete  set  of  Salmagundi  for 
nothing. 

But  though  we  do  not  fight  in  our  own  proper  persons,  let  it 
not  be  supposed  that  we  will  not  give  ample  satisfaction  to  all 
those  who  may  choose  to  demand  it — for  this  would  be  a  mis- 
take of  the  first  magnitude,  and  lead  very  valiant  gentlemen  per- 
haps into  what  is  called  a  quandary.  It  would  be  a  thousand 
and  one  pities,  that  any  honest  man,  after  taking  to  himself 
the  cap  and  bells  which  we  merely  offered  to  his  acceptance, 
should  not  have  the  privilege  of  being  cudgeled  into  the  bar- 
gain. We  pride  ourselves  upon  giving  satisfaction  in  every 
department  of  our  paper;  and  to  fill  that  of  fighting  have  en- 
gaged two  of  those  strapping  heroes  of  the  theatre,  who  figure 
in  the  retinues  of  our  ginger-bread  kings  and  queens;  now 
hurry  an  old  stuff  petticoat  on  their  backs,  and  strut  senators 
of  Rome,  or  aldermen  of  London ; — and  now  be-whisker  their 
muffin  faces  with  burnt  cork,  and  swagger  right  valiant  war- 
riors, armed  cap-a-pie,  in  buckram.  Should,  therefore,  any 
great  little  man  about  town,  take  offence  at  our  good-natured 
villainy,  though  we  intend  to  offend  nobody  under  heaven,  he 
will  please  to  apply  at  any  hour  after  twelve  o'clock,  as  our 
champions  will  then  be  off  duty  at  the  theatre  and  ready  for 
anything.  They  have  promised  to  fight  "with  or  without 
balls," — to  give  two  tweaks  of  the  nose  for  one — to  submit  to 
be  kicked,  and  to  cudgel  their  applicant  most  heartily  in  re- 
turn; this  being  what  we  understand  by  "  the  satisfaction  of  a 
gentleman." 


SALMAGUNDI  81 


NO.  III.-FRIDAY.  FEBRUARY  13,  1807. 


FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 

As  I  delight  in  every  tMng  novel  and  eccentric,  and  would 
at  any  time  give  an  old  coat  for  a  new  idea,  I  am  particularly 
attentive  to  the  manners  and  conversation  of  strangers,  and 
scarcely  ever  a  traveler  enters  this  city,  whose  appearance 
promises  any  thing  original,  but  by  some  means  or  another  I 
form  an  acquaintance  with  him.  I  must  confess  I  often  suffer 
manifold  afflictions  from  the  intimacies  thus  contracted :  my 
curiosity  is  frequently  punished  by  the  stupid  details  of  a 
blockhead,  or  the  shallow  verbosity  of  a  coxcomb.  Now  I 
would  prefer  at  any  time  to  travel  with  an  ox-team  through  a 
Carolina  sand-flat  rather  than  plod  through  a  heavy  unmean- 
ing conversation  with  the  former ;  and  as  to  the  latter,  I  would 
sooner  hold  sweet  converse  with  the  wheel  of  a  knife  grinder 
than  endure  his  monotonous  chattering.  In  fact,  the  strangers 
who  flock  to  this  most  pleasant  of  all  earthly  cities,  are  gener- 
ally mere  birds  of  passage  whose  plumage  is  often  gay  enough, 
I  own,  but  their  notes,  "heaven  save  the  mark,"  are  as  un- 
musical as  those  of  that  classic  night  bird,  which  the  ancients 
humorously  selected  as  the  emblem  of  wisdom.  Those  from 
the  south,  it  is  true,  entertain  me  with  their  horses,  equipages, 
and  puns :  and  it  is  excessively  pleasant  to  hear  a  couple  of 
these  four  in  hand  gentlemen  detail  their  exploits  over  a 
bottle.  Those  from  the  east  have  often  induced  me  to  doubt 
the  existence  of  the  wise  men  of  yore,  who  are  said  to  have 
flourished  in  that  quarter ;  and  as  for  those  from  parts  beyond 
seas— oh!  my  masters,  ye  shall  hear  more  from  me  anon. 
Heaven  help  this  unhappy  town!— hath  it  not  goslings  enow 
of  its  own  hatching  and  rearing,  that  it  must  be  overwhelmed 
by  such  an  inundation  of  ganders  from  other  climes?  I  would 
not  have  any  of  my  courteous  and  gentle  readers  suppose  that 


32  SALMAGUNDI. 

I  am  running  a  muck,  full  tilt,  cut  and  slash  upon  all  foreign- 
ers indiscriminately.  I  have  no  national  antipathies,  though 
related  to  the  Cockloft  family.  As  to  honest  John  Bull,  I 
shake  him  heartily  by  the  hand,  assuring  him  that  I  love  his 
jolly  countenance,  and  moreover  am  lineally  descended  from 
him ;  in  proof  of  which  I  allege  my  invincible  predilection  for 
roast  beef  and  pudding.  I  therefore  look  upon  all  his  children 
as  my  kinsmen ;  and  I  beg  when  I  tackle  a  cockney  I  may  not 
be  understood  as  trimming  an  Englishman ;  they  being  very 
distinct  animals,  as  I  shall  clearly  demonstrate  in  a  future 
number.  If  any  one  wishes  to  know  my  opinion  of  the  Irish 
and  Scotch,  he  may  find  it  in  the  characters  of  those  two 
nations,  drawn  by  the  first  advocate  of  the  age.  But  the 
French,  I  must  confess,  are  my  favourites ;  and  I  have  taken 
more  pains  to  argue  my  cousin  Pindar  out  of  his  antipathy  to 
them,  than  I  ever  did  about  any  other  thing.  When,  there- 
fore, I  choose  to  hunt  a  Monsieur  for  my  own  particular 
amusement,  I  beg  it  may  not  be  asserted  that  I  intend  him 
as  a  representative  of  his  countrymen  at  large.  Far  from  this 
— I  love  the  nation,  as  being  a  nation  of  right  merry  fellows, 
possessing  the  true  secret  of  being  happy ;  which  is  nothing 
more  than  thinking  of  nothing,  talking  about  any  thing,  and 
laughing  at  every  thing.  I  mean  only  to  tune  up  those  little 
thing-o-mys,  who  represent  nobody  but  themselves;  who  have 
no  national  trait  about  them  but  their  language,  and  who  hop 
about  our  town  in  swarms  like  little  toads  after  a  shower. 

Among  the  few  strangers  whose  acquaintance  has  enter- 
tained me,  I  particularly  rank  the  magnanimous  MUSTAPHA 
RUB-A-DUB  KELI  KHAN,  a  most  illustrious  captain  of  a  ketch, 
who  figured  some  tune  since,  in  our  fashionable  circles,  at  the 
head  of  a  ragged  regiment  of  Tripolitan  prisoners.  His  con- 
versation was  to  me  a  perpetual  feast; — I  chuckled  with  in- 
•  ward  pleasure  at  his  whimsical  mistakes  and  unaffected  ob- 
servations on  men  and  manners ;  and  I  rolled  each  odd  con- 
ceit "like  a  sweet  morsel  under  my  tongue." 

Whether  Mustapha  was  captivated  by  my  iron-bound 
physiognomy,  or  flattered  by  the  attentions  which  I  paid  him, 
I  won't  determine ;  but  I  so  far  gained  his  confidence,  that,  at 
bis  departure,  he  presented  me  with  a  bundle  of  papers,  con- 
taining, among  other  articles,  several  copies  of  letters,  which 
he  had  written  to  his  friends  at  Tripoli. — The  following  is  a 
translation  of  one  of  them.— The  original  is  in  Arabic-Greek ; 
but  by  the  assistance  of  Will  Wizard,  who  understands  all 


8ALMAQUNDL  33 

languages,  not  excepting  that  manufactured  by  Psalmanzar,  1 
have  been  enabled  to  accomplish  a  tolerable  translation.  We 
should  have  found  little  difficulty  in  rendering  it  into  English, 
had  it  not  been  for  Mustapha's  confounded  pot-hooks  and 
trammels. 


LETTER  FROM  MUSTAPHA  RUB-A-DUB  KELT  KHAN, 

CAPTAIN    OP    A    KETCH,    TO    ASEM    HACCHEM,    PRINCIPAL    SLAVE- 
DRIVER  TO  HIS  HIGHNESS  THE  BASHAW  OF  TRIPOLI. 

THOU  wilt  learn  from  this  letter,  most  illustrious  disciple  of 
Mahomet,  that  I  have  for  some  time  resided  in  New- York; 
the  most  polished,  vast,  and  magnificent  city  of  the  United 
States  of  America.  But  what  to  me  are  its  delights !  I  wan- 
der a  captive  through  its  splendid  streets,  I  turn  a  heavy  eye 
on  every  rising  day  that  beholds  me  banished  from  my  coun- 
try. The  Christian  husbands  here  lament  most  bitterly  any 
short  absence  from  home,  though  they  leave  but  one  wife  be- 
hind to  lament  their  departure ; — what  then  must  be  the  feel- 
ings of  thy  unhappy  kinsman,  while  thus  lingering  at  an  im- 
measurable distance  from  three-and-twenty  of  the  most  lovely 
and  obedient  wives  in  all  Tripoli !  Oh,  Allah !  shall  thy  servant 
never  again  return  to  his  native  land,  nor  behold  his  beloved 
wives,  who  beam  on  his  memory  beautiful  as  the  rosy  morn  of 
the  east,  and  graceful  as  Mahomet's  camel ! 

Yet  beautiful,  oh,  most  puissant  slave-driver,  as  are  my 
wives,  they  are  far  exceeded  by  the  women  of  this  country. 
Even  those  who  run  about  the  streets  with  bare  arms  and  necks 
(et  cetera)  whose  habiliments  are  too  scanty  to  protect  them 
either  from  the  inclemency  of  the  season,  or  the  scrutinizing 
glances  of  the  curious,  and  who  it  would  seem  belong  to  no- 
body, are  lovely  as  the  houris  that  people  the  elysium  of  true 
believers.  If,  then,  such  as  run  wild  in  the  highways,  and 
whom  no  one  cares  to  appropriate,  are  thus  beauteous ;  what 
must  be  the  charms  of  those  who  are  shut  up  in  the  seraglios 
and  never  permitted  to  go  abroad !  surely  the  region  of  beauty, 
the  valley  of  the  graces,  can  contain  nothing  so  inimitably  fair! 

But,  notwithstanding  the  charms  of  these  infidel  women, 
they  are  apt  to  have  one  fault,  which  is  extremely  troublesome 
and  inconvenient.  Wouldstjbhou  believe  it,  Asem,  I  hav« 


34  SALMAGUNDI. 

been  positively  assured  by  a,  famous  dervise,  or  doctor  as  lie  is 
here  called,  that  at  least  one-fifth  part  of  them — have  souls ! 
incredible  as  it  may  seem  to  thee,  I  am  the  more  inclined  to 
believe  them  in  possession  of  this  monstrous  superfluity,  from 
my  own  little  experience,  and  from  the  information  which  I 
have  derived  from  others.  In  walking  the  streets  I  have 
actually  seen  an  exceedingly  good-looking  woman  with  soul 
enough  to  box  her  husband's  ears  to  his  heart's  content,  and 
my  very  whiskers  trembled  with  indignation  at  the  abject 
state  of  these  wretched  infidels.  I  am  told,  moreover,  that 
some  of  the  women  have  soul  enough  to  usurp  the  breeches  of 
the  men,  but  these  I  suppose  are  married  and  kept  close ;  for  I 
have  not,  in  my  rambles,  met  with  any  so  extravagantly 
accoutred ;  others,  I  am  informed,  have  soul  enough  to  swear ! 
—yea!  by  the  beard  of  the  great  Omar,  who  prayed  three 
times  to  each  of  the  one  hundred  and  twenty-four  thousand 
prophets  of  our  most  holy  faith,  and  who  never  swore  but 
once  in  his  lif e — they  actually  swear  / 

Get  thee  to  the  mosque,  good  Asem !  return  thanks  to  our 
most  holy  prophet  that  he  has  been  thus  mindful  of  the  com- 
fort of  all  true  Mussulmen,  and  has  given  them  wives  with  no 
more  souls  than  cats  and  dogs  and  other  necessary  animals  of 
the  household. 

Thou  wilt  doubtless  be  anxious  to  learn  our  reception  in  this 
country,  and  how  we  were  treated  by  a  people  whom  we- have 
been  accustomed  to  consider  as  unenlightened  barbarians. 

On  fanding,  we  were  waited  upon  to  our  lodgings,  I  suppose 
according  to  the  directions  of  the  municipality,  by  a  vast  and 
respectable  escort  of  boys  and  negroes;  who  shouted  and 
threw  up  their  hats,  doubtless  to  do  honour  to  the  magnani- 
mous Mustapha,  captain  of  a  ketch ;  they  were  somewhat  rag- 
.ged  and  dirty  in  their  equipments,  but  this  we  attributed  to 
their  republican  simplicity.  One  of  them,  in  the  zeal  of  ad- 
miration, threw  an  old  shoe,  which  gave  thy  friend  rather  an 
ungentle  salutation  on  one  side  of  the  head,  whereat  I  was  not 
a  little  offended,  until  the  interpreter  informed  us  that  this 
was  the  customary  manner  in  which  great  men  were  honoured 
in  this  country ;  and  that  the  more  distinguished  they  were, 
the  more  they  were  subjected  to  the  attacks  and  peltings  of 
the  mob.  Upon  this  I  bowed  my  head  Lhree  times,  with  my 
hands  to  my  turban,  and  made  a  speech  in  Arabic-Greek,  which 
gave  great  satisfaction  and  occasioned  a  shower  of  old  shoes, 
hats,  and  so  forth,  that  was  exceedingly  refreshing  to  us  all 


SALMAGUNDI.  35 

Thou  wilt  not  as  yet  expect  that  I  should  give  thee  an 
account  of  the  laws  and  politics  of  this  country.  I  will  reserve 
them  for  some  future  letter,  when  I  shall  be  more  experienced 
in  their  complicated  and  seemingly  contradictory  nature. 

This  empire  is  governed  by  a  grand  and  most  puissant  ba- 
shaw, whom  they  dignify  with  the  title  of  president.  He  is 
chosen  by  persons  who  are  chosen  by  an  assembly  elected  by 
the  people — hence  the  mob  is  called  the  sovereign  people ;  and 
the  country,  free ;  the  body  politic  doubtless  resembling  a  ves- 
sel, which  is  best  governed  by  its  tail.  The  present  bashaw  is 
a  very  plain  old  gentleman— something,  they  say,  of  a  humour- 
ist, as  he  amuses  himself  with  impaling  butterflies  and  pickling 
tadpoles;  he  is  rather  declining  in  popularity,  having  given 
great  offence  by  wearing  red  breeches,  and  tying  his  horse  to  a 
post.  The  people  of  the  United  States  have  assured  me  that 
they  themselves  are  the  most  enlightened  nation  under  the 
sun ;  but  thou  knowest  that  the  barbarians  of  the  desert,  who 
assemble  at  the  summer  solstice  to  shoot  their  arrows  at  that 
glorious  luminary,  in  order  to  extinguish  his  burning  rays, 
make  precisely  the  same  boast ; — which  of  them  have  the  supe- 
rior claim,  I  shall  not  attempt  to  decide. 

I  have  observed,  with  some  degree  of  surprise,  that  the  men 
of  this  country  do  not  seem  in  haste  to  accommodate  them- 
selves even  with  the  single  wife  which  alone  the  laws  permit 
them  to  marry ;  this  backwardness  is  probably  owing  to  the 
misfortune  of  their  absolutely  having  no  female  mutes  among 
them.  Thou  knowest  how  invaluable  are  these  silent  compan- 
ions ; — what  a  price  is  given  for  them  in  the  east,  and  what  en- 
tertaining wives  they  make.  "What  delightful  entertainment 
arises  from  beholding  the  silent  eloquence  of  their  signs  and 
gestures ;  but  a  wife  possessed  both  of  a  tongue  and  a  soul — 
monstrous!  monstrous!  is  it  astonishing  that  these  unhappy 
infidels  should  shrink  from  a  union  with  a  woman  so  prepos- 
terously endowed. 

Thou  hast  doubtless  read  in  the  works  of  Abul  Faraj,  the 
Arabian  historian,  the  tradition  which  mentions  that  the 
muses  were  once  upon  the  point  of  falling  together  by  the  ears 
about  the  admission  of  a  tenth  among  their  number,  until  she 
assured  them  by  signs  that  she  was  dumb ;  whereupon  they 
received  her  with  great  rejoicing.  I  should,  perhaps,  inform 
thee  that  there  are  but  nine  Christian  muses,  who  were  for- 
merly pagans,  but  have  since  been  converted,  and  that  in  this 
country  we  never  hear  of  a  tenth,  unless  some  crazy  poet 


56  SALMAGUNDI. 

wishes  to  pay  a  hyperbolical  compliment  to  his  mistress;  on 
which  occasion  it  goes  hard,  but  she  figures  as  a  tenth  muse, 
or  fourth  grace,  even  though  she  should  be  more  illiterate  than 
a  Hottentot,  and  more  ungraceful  than  a  dancing-bear  I  Since 
my  arrival  in  this  country  I  have  met  with  not  less  than  a 
hundred  of  these  supernumerary  muses  and  graces— and  may 
Allah  preserve  me  from  ever  meeting  with  any  more  1  \ 

When  I  have  studied  this  people  more  profoundly,  I  will 
write  thee  again;  hi  the  mean  time,  watch  over  my  house- 
hold, and  do  not  beat  my  beloved  wives  unless  you  catch  them 
with  their  noses  out  at  the  window.  Though  far  distant  and  a 
slave,  let  me  live  in  thy  heart  as  thou  livest  in  mine : — think 
not,  O  friend  of  my  soul,  that  the  splendours  of  this  luxurious 
capital,  its  gorgeous  palaces,  its  stupendous  masqvies,  and  the 
beautiful  females  who  run  wild  in  herds  about  its  streets,  can 
obliterate  thee  from  my  remembrance.  Thy  name  shall  still 
be  mentioned  in  the  five-and-twenty  prayers  which  I  offer  up 
daily ;  and  may  our  great  prophet,  after  bestowing  on  thee  all 
the  blessings  of  this  life,  at  length,  in  good  old  age,  lead  thee 
gently  by  the  hand  to  enjoy  the  dignity  of  bashaw  of  three 
tails  in  the  blissful  bowers  of  Eden. 

MUSTAPHA. 


FASHIONS. 
BY  ANTHONY  EVERGREEN,  GENT. 

TSE  FOLLOWING  ARTICLE  IS  FURNISHED  ME  BY  A  YOUNG  LADY  Off 
UNQUESTIONABLE  TASTE,  AND  WHO  IS  THE  ORACLE  OF  FASHION 
AND  FRIPPERY,  BEING  DEEPLY  INITIATED  INTO  ALL  THE  MYS- 
TERIES OF  THE  TOILET,  SHE  HAS  PROMISED  ME  FROM  TIME  TO 
TIME  A  SIMILAR  DETAIL.  { 

MRS.  TOOLE  has  for  some  time  reigned  unrivalled  in  the 
fashionable  world,  and  had  the  supreme  direction  of  caps,  bon- 
nets, feathers,  flowers,  and  tinsel.  She  has  dressed  and  un- 
dressed our  ladies  just  as  she  pleased;  now  loading  them  with 
velvet  and  wadding,  now  turning  them  adrift  upon  the  world 
to  run  shivering  through  the  streets  with  scarcely  a  covering 

to  their backs ;  and  now  obliging  them  to  drag  a  long  train 

at  their  heels,  like  the  tail  of  a  paper  kite.    Her  despotic  sway, 
however,  threatens  to  be  limited.    A  dangerous  rival  has 


SALMAGUNDI.  87 

sprung  up  in  the  person  of  Madame  BOUCHARD,  an  intrepid 
little  woman,  fresh  from  the  headquarters  of  fashion  and 
folly,  and  who  has  burst,  like  a  second  Bonaparte,  upon  the 
fashionable  world. — Mrs.  Toole,  notwithstanding,  seems  de- 
termined to  dispute  her  ground  bravely  for  the  honour  of  old 
England.  The  ladies  have  begun  to  arrange  themselves  under 
the  banner  of  one  or  other  of  these  heroines  of  the  needle,  and 
everything  portends  open  war.  Madame  Bouchard  marches 
gallantly  to  the  field,  flourishing  a  flaming  red  robe  for  a 
standard,  "flouting  the  skies;"  and  Mrs.  Toole,  no  ways  dis- 
mayed, sallies  out  under  cover  of  a  forest  of  artificial  flowers, 
Uke  Malcolm's  host.  Both  parties  possess  great  merit,  and 
both  deserve  the  victory.  Mrs.  Toole  charges  the  highest— but 
Madame  Bouchard  makes  the  lowest  courtesy.  Madame 
Bouchard  is  a  little  short  lady — nor  is  there  any  hope  of  her 
growing  larger;  but  then  she  is  perfectly  genteel,  and  so  is 
Mrs.  Toole.  Mrs.  Toole  lives  in  Broadway,  and  Madame 
Bouchard  in  Courtlandt-street ;  but  Madame  atones  for  the  in- 
feriority of  her  stand  by  making  two  courtesies  to  Mrs.  Toole's 
one,  and  talking  French  like  an  angel.  Mrs.  Toole  is  the  best 
looking— but  Madame  Bouchard  wears  a  most  bewitching  little 
scrubby  wig. — Mrs.  Toole  is  the  tallest — but  Madame  Bouchard 
has  the  longest  nose. — Mrs.  Toole  is  fond  of  roast  beef— but 
Madame  is  loyal  in  her  adherence  to  onions :  in  short,  so  equal- 
ly are  the  merits  of  the  two  ladies  balanced,  that  there  is  no 
judging  which  will  "kick  the  beam."  It,  however,  seems  to 
be  the  prevailing  opinion  that  Madame  Bouchard  will  carry 
the  day,  because  she  wears  a  wig,  has  a  long  nose,  talks 
French,  loves  onions,  and  does  not  charge  above  ten  times  as 
much  for  a  thing  as  it  is  worth. 

UNDER  THE  DIRECTION  OF  THESE  HIGH  PRIESTESSES  OF  THE 
j  REAU-MONDE,  THE  FOLLOWING  IS  THE  FASHIONABLE  MORNING 
I  DRESS  FOR  WALKING. 

IF  the  weather  be  very  cold,  a  thin  muslin  gown,  or  frock,  is 
most  advisable ;  because  it  agrees  with  the  season,  being  per- 
fectly cool.  The  neck,  arms,  and  particularly  the  elbows  bare, 
in  order  that  they  may  be  agreeably  painted  and  mottled  by 
Mr.  JOHN  FROST,  nose-painter-general,  of  the  colour  of  Castile 
soap.  Shoes  of  kid,  the  thinnest  that  can  possibly  be  procured 
— as  they  tend  to  promote  colds,  and  make  a  lady  look  interest- 
ing— (i.  e.,  grizzly.}  Picnic  silk  stocking  with  lace  clocks, 


38  SALMAGUNDI. 

flesh-coloured  are  most  fashionable,  as  they  have  the  appear- 
ance of  bare  legs — nudity  being  all  the  rage.  The  stockings 
carelessly  bespattered  with  mud,  to  agree  with  the  gown,  which 
should  be  bordered  about  three  inches  deep  with  the  most  fash- 
ionable coloured  mud  that  can  be  found :  the  ladies  permitted 
to  hold  up  their  trains,  after  they  have  swept  two  or  three 

streets,  in  order  to  show the  clocks  of  their  stockings.    The 

shawl,  scarlet,  crimson,  flame,  orange,  salmon,  or  any  other 
combustible  or  brimstone  colour,  thrown  over  one  shoulder; 
like  an  Indian  blanket,  with  one  end  dragging  on  the  ground. 

N.  B.  If  the  ladies  have  not  a  red  shawl  at  hand,  a  red  petti- 
coat turned  topsy-turvy,  over  the  shoulders,  would  do  just  as 
well.  This  is  called  being  dressed  a  la  drabble. 

When  the  ladies  do  not  go  abroad  of  a  morning,  the  usual 
chimney-corner  dress  is  a  dotted,  spotted,  striped,  or  cross- 
barred  gown;— a  yellowish,  whitish,  smokish,  dirty -coloured 
shawl,  and  the  hair  curiously  ornamented  with  little  bits  of 
newspapers,  or  pieces  of  a  letter  from  a  dear  friend.  This  is 
called  the  "  Cinderella-dress." 

The  recipe  for  a  full  dress  is  as  follows:  take  of  spider-net, 
crape,  satin,  gymp,  cat-gut,  gauze,  whale-bone,  lace,  bobbin, 
ribands,  and  artificial  flowers,  as  much  as  will  rig  out  the  con- 
gregation of  a  village  church ;  to  these,  add  as  many  spangles, 
beads,  and  gew-gaws,  as  would  be  sufficient  to  turn  the  heads 
of  all  the  fashionable  fair  ones  of  Nootka-sound.  Let  Mrs. 
Toole  or  Madame  Bouchard  patch  all  these  articles  together, 
one  upon  another,  dash  them  plentifully  over  with  stars, 
bugles,  and  tinsel,  and  they  will  altogether  form  a  dress, 
which  hung  upon  a  lady's  back,  cannot  fail  of  supplying  the 
place  of  beauty,  youth,  and  grace,  and  of  reminding  the  spec 
tator  of  that  celebrated  region  of  finery,  called  Rag  Fair. 


ONE  of  the  greatest  sources  of  amusement  incident  to  our 
humourous  knight  errantry,  is  to  ramble  about  and  hear  the 
various  conjectures  of  the  town  respecting  our  worships,  whom 
every  body  pretends  to  know  as  well  as  Falstaff  did  Prince  Hal 
at  Gads-hill.  We  have  sometimes  seen  a  sapient,  sleepy  fellow, 
on  being  tickled  with  a  straw,  make  a  furious  effort  and  fancy 
he  had  fairly  caught  a  gnat  in  his  grasp ;  so,  that  many-headed 
monster,  the  public,  who,  with  all  its  heads,  is,  we  fear,  sadly 
off  for  brains,  has,  after  long  hovering,  come  souse  down,  like 


SALMAGUNDI.  39 

a  king-fisher,  on  the  authors  of  Salmagripdi,  and  caught  them 
as  certainly  as  the  aforesaid  honest  fellow  caught  the  gnat. 

Would  that  we  were  rich  enough  to  give  every  one  of  our 
numerous  readers  a  cent,  as  a  reward  for  their  ingenuity !  not 
that  they  have  really  conjectured  within  a  thousand  leagues  of 
the  truth,  but  that  we  consider  it  a  great  stretch  of  ingenuity 
even  to  have  guessed  wrong ;  and  that  we  hold  ourselves  much 
obliged  to  them  for  having  taken  the  trouble  to  guess  at  all. 

One  of  the  most  tickling,  dear,  mischievous  pleasures  of  this 
life  is  to  laugh  in  one's  sleeve— to  sit  snug  in  the  corner,  un- 
noticed and  unknown,  and  hear  the  wise  men  of  Gotham,  who 
are  profound  judges  of  horse-flesh,  pronounce,  from  the  style 
of  our  work,  who  are  the  authors.  This  listening  incog. ,  and 
receiving  a  hearty  praise  over  another  man's  back,  is  a  situa- 
tion so  celestially  whimsical,  that  we  have  done  little  else  than 
laugh  in  our  sleeve  ever  since  our  first  number  was  published. 

The  town  has  at  length  allayed  the  titilations  of  curiosity, 
by  fixing  on  two  young  gentlemen  of  literary  talents — that  is 
to  say,  they  are  equal  to  the  composition  of  a  newspaper  squib, 
a  hodge  podge  criticism,  or  some  such  trifle,  and  may  occasion- 
ally raise  a  smile  by  their  effusions ;  but  pardon  us,  sweet  sirs, 
if  we  modestly  doubt  your  capability  of  supporting  the  burthen 
of  Salmagundi,  or  of  keeping  up  a  laugh  for  a  whole  fortnight, 
as  we  have  done,  and  intend  to  do,  until  the  whole  town 
becomes  a  community  of  laughing  philosophers  like  ourselves. 
We  have  no  intention,  however,  of  undervaluing  the  abilities 
of  these  two  young  men,  whom  we  verily  believe,  according  to 
common  acceptation,  young  men  of  promise. 

Were  we  ill-natured,  we  might  publish  something  that 
would  get  our  representatives  into  difficulties-,  but  far  be  it 
from  us  to  do  anything  to  the  injury  of  persons  to  whom  we 
are  under  such  obligations. 

While  they  stand  before  us,  we,  like  little  Teucer,  behind  the 
sevenfold  shield  of  Ajax,  can  launch  unseen  our  sportive 
arrows,  which  we  trust  will  never  inflict  a  wound,  unless  like 
his  they  fly  "heaven  directed,"  to  some  conscious-struck 
bosom. 

Another  marvellous  great  source  of  pleasure  to  us,  is  the 
abuse  our  work  has  received  from  several  wooden  gentlemen, 
whose  censures  we  covet  more  than  ever  wt  did  any  thing  in 
our  lives.  The  moment  we  declared  open  war  against  folly 
and  stupidness,  we  expected  no  quarter;  and  to  provoke  a  con- 
federacy of  all  the  blockheads  in  town.  For  it  is  one  of  our 


40  SALMAGUNDI. 

indisputable  facts  that  so  sure  as  you  catoh  a  gander  by  the 
tail,  the  whole  flock,  geese,  goslings,  one  and  all,  have  A  fellow- 
feeling  on  the  occasion,  and  begin  to  cackle  and  hiss  like  so  many 
devils  bewitched.  As  we  have  a  profound  respect  for  these 
ancient  and  respectable  birds,  on  the  score  of  their  once  having 
saved  the  capitol,  we  hereby  declare  that  we  mean  no  offence 
to  the  aforesaid  confederacy.  We  have  heard  in  our  walks 
such  criticisms  on  Salmagundi,  as  almost  induced  a  belief  that  - 
folly  had  here,  as  in  the  east,  her  moments  of  inspired  idiot- 
ism.  Every  silly  royster  has,  as  if  by  an  instinctive  sense  of 
anticipated  danger,  joined  in  the  cry;  and  condemned  us 
without  mercy.  All  is  thus  as  it  should  be.  It  would  have 
mortified  us  very  sensibly,  had  we  been  disappointed  in  this 
particular,  as  we  should  have  been  apprehensive  that  our 
shafts  had  fallen  to  the  ground,  innocent  of  the  "blood  or 
brains"  of  a  single  numbskull.  Our  efforts  have  been  crowned 
with  wonderful  success.  All  the  queer  fish,  the  grubs,  the 
flats,  the  noddies,  and  the  live  oak  and  timber  gentlemen,  are 
pointing  their  empty  guns  at  us ;  and  we  are  threatened  with  a 
most  puissant  confederacy  of  the  "  pigmies  and  cranes,"  and 
other  "  light  militia,"  backed  by  the  heavy  armed  artillery  of 
dullness  and  stupidity.  The  veriest  dreams  of  our  most  san- 
guine moments  are  thus  realized.  We  have  no  fear  of  the 
censures  of  the  wise,  the  good,  or  the  fair;  for  they  will  ever  be 
sacred  from  our  attacks.  We  reverence  the  wise,  love  the 
good,  and  adore  the  fair;  we  declare  ourselves  champions  in 
their  cause;— in  the  cause  of  morality ;— and  we  throw  our 
gauntlet  to  all  the  world  besides. 

While  we  profess  and  feel  the  same  indifference  to  public 
applause  as  at  first,  we  most  earnestly  invite  the  attacks  and 
censures  of  all  the  wooden  warriors  of  this  sensible  city ;  and 
especially  of  that  distinguished  and  learned  body,  heretofore 
celebrated  under  the  appellation  of  "  the  North-river  society." 

The  thrice  valiant  and  renowned  Don  Quixote  never  made 
such  work  among  the  wool- clad  warriors  of  Trapoban,  or  the 
puppets  of  the  itinerant  showman,  as  we  promise  to  make 
among  these  fine  fellows;  and  we  pledge  ourselves  to  the 
public  in  general,  and  the  Albany  sk.'ppers  in  particular,  that 
the  North  river  shall  not  be  set  on  fire  this  winter  at  least,  for 
we  shall  give  the  authors  ^f  that  nefarious  schemet  ample  em- 
ployment for  some  time  to  come, 


SALMAGUNDI.  41 

PROCLAMATION, 

FROM  THE  MILL  OF  PINDAR  COCKLOFT,   ESQ. 

To  all  the  young  belles  who  enliven  our  scene, 
From  ripe  five-and-f orty,  to  blooming  fifteen ; 
Who  racket  at  routs,  and  who  rattle  at  plays, 
Who  visit,  and  fidget,  and  dance  out  their  days: 
Who  conquer  all  hearts,  with  a  shot  from  the  eye, 
Who  freeze  with  a  frown,  and  who  thaw  with  a  sigh:— 
To  all  those  bright  youths  who  embellish  the  age, 
Whether  young  boys,  or  old  boys,  or  numskull  or  sage: 
Whether  DULL  DOGS,  who  cringe  at  their  mistress'  feet, 
Who  sigh  and  who  whine,  and  who  try  to  look  sweet ; 
Whether  TOUGH  DOGS,  who  squat  down  stock  still  in  a  row 
And  play  wooden  gentlemen  stuck  up  for  a  show ; 
Or  SAD  DOGS,  who  glory  in  running  their  rigs, 
Now  dash  in  their  sleighs,  and  now  whirl  in  their  gigs; 
Who  riot  at  Dyde's  on  imperial  champaign, 
And  then  scour  our  city — the  peace  to  maintain: 

To  whoe'er  it  concerns  or  may  happen  to  meet, 
By  these  presents  their  worships  I  lovingly  greet. 
Now  KNOW  YE,  that  I,  PINDAR  COCKLOFT,  esquire, 
Am  laureate,  appointed  at  special  desire ; — 
A  censor,  self-dubb'd,  to  admonish  the  fair, 
And  tenderly  take  the  town  under  my  care. 

I'm  a  ci-devant  beau,  cousin  Launcelot  has  said — 
A  remnant  of  habits  long  vanish'd  and  dead: 
But  still,  though  my  heart  dwells  with  rapture  sublime, 
On  the  fashions  and  customs  which  reign'd  in  my  prime, 
I  yet  can  perceive— and  still  candidly  praise, 
Some  maxims  and  manners  of  these  "latter  days ; " 
Still  own  that  some  wisdom  and  beauty  appears, 
Though  almost  entomb'd  in  the  rubbish  of  years. 

No  fierce  nor  tyrannical  cynic  am  I, 
Who  frown  on  each  foible  I  chance  to  espy; 
Who  pounce  on  a  novelty,  just  like  a  kite, 
And  tear  up  a  victim  through  malice  or  spite: 
Who  expose  to  the  scoffs  of  an  ill-natured  crew, 
A  trembler  for  starting  a  whim  that  is  new. 


42  SALMAGUNDI. 

No,  no— I  shall  cautiously  hold  up  my  glass, 
To  the  sweet  little  blossoms  who  heedlessly  pass; 
My  remarks  not  too  pointed  to  wound  or  offend, 
Nor  so  vague  as  to  miss  their  benevolent  end : 
Each  innocent  fashion  shall  have  its  full  sway; 
New  modes  shall  arise  to  astonish  Broadway : 
Eed  hats  and  red  shawls  still  illumine  the  town, 
And  each  belle,  like  a  bon-fire,  blaze  up  and  down. 
Fair  spirits,  who  brighten  the  gloom  of  our  days, 
Who  cheer  this  dull  scene  with  your  heavenly  rays, 
No  mortal  can  love  you  more  firmly  and  true, 
From  the  crown  of  the  head,  to  the  sole  of  your  shoe. 
I'm  old  fashioned,  'tis  true, — but  still  runs  in  my  heart 
That  affectionate  stream,  to  which  youth  gave  the  start, 
More  calm  in  its  current— yet  potent  in  force ; 
Less  ruffled  by  gales — but  still  stedfast  in  course. 
Though  the  lover,  enraptur'd,  no  longer  appears, — 
'Tis  the  guide  and  the  guardian  enlighten'd  by  years. 
All  ripen'd,  and  mellow'd,  and  soften'd  by  time, 
The  asperities  polish'd  which  chafed  in  my  prune ; 
I  am  fully  prepared  for  that  delicate  end, 
The  fair  one's  instructor,  companion  and  friend. 
— And  should  I  perceive  you  in  fashion's  gay  dance, 
Allured  by  the  frippery  mongers  of  France, 
Expose  your  weak  frames  to  a  chill  wintry  sky, 
To  be  nipp'd  by  its  frosts,  to  be  torn  from  the  eye; 
My  soft  admonitions  shall  fall  on  your  ear — 
Shall  whisper  those  parents  to  whom  you  are  dear — 
Shall  warn  you  of  hazards  you  heedlessly  run, 
And  sing  of  those  fair  ones  whom  frost  has  undone; 
Bright  suns  that  would  scarce  on  our  horizon  dawn, 
Ere  shrouded  from  sight,  they  were  early  withdrawn; 
Gay  sylphs,  who  have  floated  in  circles  below, 
As  pure  in  their  souls,  and  as  transient  as  snow; 
Sweet  roses,  that  bloom'd  and  decay'd  to  my  eye, 
And  of  forms  that  have  ilitted  and  pass'd  to  the  sky. 
But  as  to  those  brainless  pert  bloods  of  our  town, 
Those  sprigs  of  the  ton  who  run  decency  down; 
Who  lounge  and  who  lout,  and  who  booby  about, 
No  knowledge  within,  and  no  manners  without; 
Who  stare  at  each  beauty  with  insolent  eyes ; 
Who  rail  at  those  morals  their  fathers  would  prize; 


SALMAGUNDI.  43 

Who  are  loud  at  the  play— and  who  impiously  dare 

To  come  in  their  cups  to  the  routs  of  the  fair; 

I  shall  hold  up  my  mirror,  to  let  them  survey 

The  figures  they  cut  as  they  dash  it  away: 

Should  my  good-humoured  verse  no  amendment  produce, 

Like  scare-crows,  at  least,  they  shall  still  be  of  use; 

I  shall  stitch  them,  in  effigy,  up  in  my  rhyme, 

And  hold  them  aloft  through  the  progress  of  tune, 

As  figures  of  fun  to  make  the  folks  laugh, 

Like  that  b h  of  an  angel  erected  by  Paff, 

"What  shtops,"  as  he  says,  "  all  de  people  what  come; 
What  smiles  on  dem  all,  and  what  peats  on  de  trum." 


44  SALMAGUNDI. 


NO.  IV.-TUESDAY,  FEBRUARY  24,  1807. 


FEOM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 

PERHAPS  there  is  no  class  of  men  to  which  the  curious  and 
literary  are  more  indebted  than  travellers;—!  mean  travel- 
mongers,  who  write  whole  volumes  about  themselves,  their 
horses  and  their  servants,  interspersed  with  anecdotes  of  inn- 
keepers,—droll  sayings  of  stage-drivers,  and  interesting  mem- 
oirs of — the  Lord  knows  who.  They  will  give  you  a  lull 
account  of  a  city,  its  manners,  customs,  and  manufactures; 
though,  perhaps,  all  their  knowledge  of  it  was  obtained  by  a 
peep  from  their  inn- windows,  and  an  interesting  conversation 
with  the  landlord  or  the  waiter.  America  has  had  its  share 
of  these  buzzards;  and  in  the  name  of  my  countrymen  I 
return  them  profound  thanks  for  the  compliments  they  have 
lavished  upon  us,  and  the  variety  of  particulars  concerning 
our  own  country,  which  we  should  never  have  discovered 
without  their  assistance. 

Influenced  by  such  sentiments,  I  am  delighted  to  find  that 
the  Cockloft  family,  among  its  other  whimsical  and  monstrous 
productions,  is  about  to  be  enriched  with  a  genuine  travel- 
writer.  This  is  no  less  a  personage  than  Mr.  JEREMY  COCK- 
LOFT, the  only  son  and  darling  pride  of  my  cousin,  Mr. 
CHRISTOPHER  COCKLOFT.  I  should  have  said  Jeremy  Cockloft, 
the  younger,  as  he  so  styles  himself,  by  way  of  distinguishing 
him  from  IL  SIQNORE  JEREMY  COCKLOFTICO,  a  gouty  old 
gentleman,  who  flourished  about  the  time  that  Pliny  the  elder 
was  smoked  to  death  with  the  fire  and  brimstone  of  Vesuvius ; 
and  whose  travels,  if  he  ever  wrote  any,  are  now  lost  for  ever 
to  the  world.  Jeremy  is  at  present  in  his  one-and-twentieth 
year,  and  a  young  fellow  of  wonderful  quick  parts,  if  you 
will  trust  to  the  word  of  his  father,  who,  having  begotten  him, 
should  be  the  best  judge^of  thejnatter.  He  is  the  oracle  of 


SALMAGUNDI.  45 

the  family,  dictates  to  his  sisters  on  every  occasion,  though 
they  are  some  dozen  or  more  years  older  than  himself : — and 
never  did  son  give  mother  hetter  advice  than  Jeremy. 

As  old  Cockloft  was  determined  his  son  should  be  both  a 
scholar  and  a  gentleman,  he  took  great  pains  with  his  educa- 
tion, which  was  completed  at  our  university,  where  he  became 
exceedingly  expert  in  quizzing  his  teachers  and  playing  bil- 
liards. No  student  made  better  squibs  and  crackers  to  blow 
up  the  chemical  professor;  no  one  chalked  more  ludicrous 
caricatures  on  the  waUs  of  the  college ;  and  none  were  more 
adroit  in  shaving  pigs  and  climbing  lightning-rods.  He  more- 
over learned  ah1  the  letters  of  the  Greek  alphabet ;  could  demon- 
strate that  water  never  "of  its  own  accord  "rose  above  the 
level  of  its  source,  and  that  air  was  certainly  the  principle  of 
lif e ;  for  he  had  been  entertained  with  the  humane  experiment 
of  a  cat  worried  to  death  in  an  air-pump.  He  once  shook 
down  the  ash-house,  by  an  artificial  earthquake;  and  nearly 
blew  his  sister  Barbara,  and  her  cat,  out  of  the  window  with 
thundering  powder.  He  likewise  boasts  exceedingly  of  being 
thoroughly  acquainted  with  the  composition  of  Lacedemonian 
black  broth ;  and  once  made  a  pot  of  it,  which  had  well-nigh 
poisoned  the  whole  family,  and  actually  threw  the  cook-maid 
into  convulsions.  But  above  ah1,  he  values  himself  upon  his 
logic,  has  the  old  college  conundrum  of  the  cat  with  threo  tails 
at  his  finger's  ends,  and  often  hampers  his  father  with  his  syl- 
logisms, to  the  great  delight  of  the  old  gentleman ;  who  con- 
siders the  major,  minor,  and  conclusions,  as  almost  equal  in 
argument  to  the  pulley,  the  wedge,  and  the  lever,  in  mechanics. 
In  fact,  my  cousin  Cockloft  was  once  nearly  annihilated  with 
astonishment,  on  hearing  Jeremy  trace  his  derivation  of  Mango 
from  Jeremiah  King ; — as  Jeremiah  King,  Jerry  King !  Jerkin 
Girkin !  cucumber,  Mango !  in  short,  had  Jeremy  been  a  student 
at  Oxford  or  Cambridge,  he  would,  in  all  probability,  have  been 
promoted  to  the  dignity  of  a  senior  wrangler.  By  this  sketch,  I 
mean  no  disparagement  to  the  abilities  of  other  students  of  our 
college,  for  I  have  no  doubt  that  every  commencement  ushers 
into  society  luminaries  full  as  brilliant  as  Jeremy  Cockloft  the 
younger. 

Having  made  a  very  pretty  speech  on  graduating,  to  a  numer- 
ous assemblage  of  old  folks  and  young  ladies,  who  all  declared 
that  he  was  a  very  fine  young  man,  and  made  very  handsome 
gestures,  Jeremy  was  seized  with  a  great  desire  to  see,  or  rather 
to  be  seen  by  the  world ;  and  as  his  father  was  anxious  to  give 


46  SALMAGUNDI. 

him  every  possible  advantage,  it  was  determined  Jeremy  should 
visit  foreign  parts.  In  consequence  of  this  resolution,  he  has 
spent  a  matter  of  three  or  four  months  in  visiting  strange 
places ;  and  in  the  course  of  his  travels  has  tarried  some  few 
days  at  the  splendid  metropolis'  of  Albany  and  Philadelphia. 

Jeremy  has  travelled  as  every  modern  man  of  sense  should 
do ;  that  is,  he  judges  of  things  by  the  sample  next  at  hand ;  if 
he  has  ever  any  doubt  on  a  subject,  always  decides  against  the 
city  where  he  happens  to  -sojourn ;  and  invariably  takes  Jiome, 
as  the  standard  by  which  to  direct  his  judgment. 

Going  into  his  room  the  other  day,  when  he  happened  to  be 
absent,  I  found  a  manuscript  volume  lying  on  his  table ;  and 
was  overjoyed  to  find  it  contained  notes  and  hints  for  a  book 
of  travels  which  he  intends  publishing.  He  seems  to  have 
taken  a  late  fashionable  travel-monger  for  his  model,  and  I 
have  no  doubt  his  work  will  be  equally  instructive  and  amusing 
with  that  of  his  prototype.  The  following  are  some  extracts, 
which  may  not  prove  uninteresting  to  my  readers. 


MEMORANDUMS  FOB  A  TOUR,  TO  BE  ENTITLED  "THE 
STRANGER  IN  NEW  JERSEY;  OR,  COCKNEY  TRAVEL- 
LING." 

BY  JEREMY  COCKLOFT,  THE  YOUNGER. 

CHAPTER  I. 

THE  man  in  the  moon  * — preparations  for  departure— hints  to 
travellers  about  packing  their  trunks  f— straps,  buckles,  and 
bed-cords — case  of  pistols,  a  la  cockney — five  trunks— three 
bandboxes— a  cocked  hat— and  a  medicine  chest,  a  la  Francaise 
— parting  advice  of  my  two  sistc^o — quere,  why  old  maids  are 
so  particular  in  their  cautions  against  naughty  women — descrip- 
tion of  Powles-Hook  ferry-boats — might  be  converted  into  gun- 
boats, and  defend  our  port  equally  well  with  Albany  sloops — 
BROM,  the  black  ferryman — Charon  —  river  Styx — ghosts; — 
major  Hunt — good  story — f erryage  nine-pence ; — city  of  Harsi- 
mus — built  on  the  spot  where  the  folk  once  danced  on  their 
stumps,  while  the  devil  fiddled ; — quere,  why  do  the  Harsimites 

*  vide  Carr's  Strawwr  la  Ireland.  t  vide  Weld. 


SALMAGUNDI.  47 

talk  Dutch  ?— story  of  the  tower  of  Babel,  and  confusion  of 
tongues— get  into  the  stage — driver  a  wag — famous  fellow  for 
nmm'ng  stage  races— killed  three  passengers  and  crippled  nine 
in  the  course  of  his  practice— philosophical  reasons  why  stage 
drivers  love  grog— causeway — ditch  on  each  side  for  folk  to 
tumble  into— famous  place  for  skilly-pots  ;  Philadelphians  call 
'em  tarapins — roast  them  under  the  ashes  as  we  do  potatoes — 
quere,  may  not  this  be  the  reason  that  the  Philadelphians  are 
all  turtle-heads  ?— Hackensack  bridge— good  painting  of  a  blue 
horse  jumping  over  a  mountain — wonder  who  it  was  painted 
by; — mem.  to  ask  the  Baron  de  Gusto  about  it  on  my  return; 
—Rattle-snake  hill,  so  called  from  abounding  with  butterflies; 
— salt  marsh,  surmounted  here  and  there  by  a  solitary  hay- 
stack;— more  tarapins — wonder  why  the  Philadelphians  don't 
establish  a  fishery  here,  and  get  a  patent  for  it ; — bridge  over 
the  Passaic — rate  of  toll — description  of  toll:boards — toll  man 
had  but  one  eye— story  how  it  is  possible  he  may  have  lost  the 
other — pence-table,  etc.* 


CHAPTER  II. 

NEWARK— noted  for  its  fine  breed  of  fat  mosquitoes — sting 
through  the  thickest  boot  t— story  about  Gallynipers— Archer 
Gifford  and  his  man  Caliban— jolly  fat  fellows ; — a  knowing 
traveller  always  judges  of  every  thing  by  the  inn-keepers  and 
waiters ;  I  set  down  Newark  people  all  fat  as  butter— learned 
dissertation  on  Archer  Gifford's  green  coat,  with  philosophical 
reasons  why  the  Newarkites  wear  red  worsted  night-caps,  and 
turn  their  noses  to  the  south  when  the  wind  blows— Newark 
academy  full  of  windows — sunshine  excellent  to  make  little 
boys  grow— Elizabeth-town— fine  girls  —vile  mosquitoes— plenty 
of  oysters— quere,  have  oysters  any  feeling  ?— good  story  about 
the  fox  catching  them  by  his  tail — ergo,  foxes  might  be  of  great 
use  in  the  pearl-fishery ;  —landlord  member  of  the  legislature — 
treats  every  body  who  has  a  vote— mem.,  all  the  inn-keepers 
members  of  legislature  in  New- Jersey ;  Bridge-town,  vulgarly 
called  Spank-town,  from  a  story  of  a  quondam  parson  and  his 
wife — real  name,  according  to  Linkum  Fidelius,  Bridge-town, 
from  bridge,  a  contrivance  to  get  dry  shod  over  a  river  or 

*  vide  Carr.  t  vide  Weld. 

t  vide  Carr.   vide  Moore,   vide  Weld,   vide  Parkinson,   vide  Priest, 
Mdelius,  and  vide  Messrs.  Tag,  Rag,  and  Bobtail. 


48  SALMAGUNDI. 

brook;  and  town,  an  appellation  given  in  America  to  the  acci« 
dental  assemblage  of  a  church,  a  tavern,  and  a  blacksmith's 
shop— Linkum  as  right  as  my  left  leg;— Rahway-river — good 
place  for  gun-boats — wonder  why  Mr.  Jefferson  don't  send  a 
river  fleet  there  to  protect  the  hay- vessels  ? — Woodbridge — land- 
lady mending  her  husband's  breeches — sublime  apostrophe  to 
conjugal  affection  and  the  fair  sex  ;* — Woodbridge  famous  for 
its  crab-fishery — sentimental  correspondence  between  a  crab 
and  a  lobster — digression  to  Abelard  and  Eloisa; — mem.,  when 
the  moon  is  in  Pisces,  she  plays  the  devil  with  the  crabs. 

CHAPTER  III. 

BRUNSWICK — oldest  town  in  the  state — division-line  between 
two  counties  in  the  middle  of  the  street ; — posed  a  lawyer  with 
the  case  of  a  man  standing  with  one  foot  in  each  county — 
wanted  to  know  in  which  he  was  domicil — lawyer  couldn't  tell 
for  the  soul  of  him — mem.,  all  the  New- Jersey  lawyers  nums.; 
— Miss  Hay's  boarding-school — young  ladies  not  allowed  to  eat 
mustard— and  why? — fat  story  of  a  mustard-pot,  with  a  good 
saying  of  Ding-Dong's ; — Vernon's  tavern — fine  place  to  sleep, 
if  the  noise  would  let  you — another  Caliban !— Vernon  slew-eyed. 
—people  of  Brunswick,  of  course,  all  squint ; — Drake's  tavern 
— fine  old  blade — wears  square  buckles  in  his  shoes — tells 
bloody  long  stories  about  last  war — people,  of  course,  all  do  the 
same ;  Hook'em  Snivy,  the  famous  fortune-teller,  born  here — 
cotemporary  with  mother  Shoulders — particulars  of  his  his- 
tory— died  one  day — lines  to  his  memory,  which  found  their 
way  into  my  pocket-book;^ — melancholy  reflections  on  the 
death  of  great  men — beautiful  epitaph  on  myself. 

CHAPTER  IV. 

PRINCETON — college — professors  wear  boots! — students  fa- 
mous for  their  love  of  a  jest— set  the  college  on  fire,  and  burnt 
out  the  professors;  an  excellent  joke,  but  not  worth  repeating 
— mem.,  American  students  very  much  addicted  to  burning 
down  colleges— reminds  me  of  a  good  story,  nothing  at  all  to 
the  purpose— two  societies  in  the  college— good  notion— en- 
courages emulation,  and  makes  little  boys  fight; — students 
famous  for  their  eating  and  erudition — saw  two  at  the  tavern, 

*  vide  The  Sentimental  Kotzebue. 
t  vide  Carr  andtfttnd  Bet  I 


SALMAGUNDI.  49 

who  had  just  got  their  allowance  of  spending-money— laid  it 

all  out  in  a  supper — got  fuddled,  and  d d  the  professors  for 

nincoms.  N.  B.  Southern  gentlemen  —  Church-yard—apos- 
trophe to  grim  death— saw  a  cow  feeding  on  a  grave— metem- 
psychosis— who  knows  but  the  cow  may  have  been  eating  up 
the  soul  of  one  of  my  ancestors — made  me  melancholy  and 
pensive  for  fifteen  minutes;— man  planting  cabbages* — won- 
dered how  he  could  plant  them  so  straight— method  of  mole- 
catching — and  all  that— quere,  whether  it  would  not  be  a  good 
notion  to  ring  their  noses  as  we  do  pigs — mem.,  to  propose  it  to 
the  American  Agricultural  Society — get  a  premium,  perhaps ; 
— commencement — students  give  a  ball  and  supper — company 
from  New- York,  Philadelphia,  and  Albany— great  contest 
which  spoke  the  best  English— Albanians  vociferous  in  their 
demand  for  sturgeon — Philadelphians  gave  the  preference  to 
racoon  f  and  splacnuncs — gave  them  a  long  dissertation  on  the 
phlegmatic  nature  of  a  goose's  gizzard — students  can't  dance — 
always  set  off  with  the  wrong  foot  foremost — Duport's  opinion 
on  that  subject— Sir  Christopher  Hatton  the  first  man  who 
ever  turned  out  his  toes  in  dancing — great  favourite  with 
Queen  Bess  on  that  account— Sir  Walter  Raleigh — good  story 
about  his  smoking — his  descent  into  New  Spain — El  Dorado — 
Candid — Dr.  Pangloss — Miss  Cunegunde — earthquake  at  Lis- 
bon— Baron  of  Thundertentronck — Jesuits — Monks — Cardinal 
Woolsey — Pope  Joan — Tom  Jefferson— Tom  Paine,  and  Tom 
the whew  I  N.B. — Students  got  drunk  as  usual 

CHAPTER  V. 

LEFT  Princeton— country  finely  diversified  with  sheep  and 
hay-stacks  J — saw  a  man  riding  alone  in  a  wagon !  why  the 
deuce  didn't  the  blockhead  ride  in  a  chair?  fellow  must  be  a 
fool— particular  account  of  the  construction  of  wagons— carts, 
wheelbarrows  and  quail-traps—saw  a  large  flock  of  crows — 
concluded  there  must  be  a  dead  horse  in  the  neighbourhood — 
mem.  country  remarkable  for  crows — won't  let  the  horses  die 
in  peace — anecdote  of  a  jury  of  crows — stopped  to  give  the 
horses  water — good-looking  man  came  up,  and  asked  me  if  I 
had  seen  his  wife?  heavens !  thought  I,  how  strange  it  is  that 
this  virtuous  man  should  ask  me  about  his  wife— story  of  Cain 
and  Abel — stage-driver  took  a  swig— mem.  set  down  all  the 

*  vide  Cur.  t  vide  Priest.  *  vide  Can*. 


60  SALMAGUNDI. 

people  as  drunkards— old  house  bad  moss  on  the  top— swallows 
built  in  the  roof— better  place  than  old  men's  beards— stoiy 
about  that — derivation  of  words  kippy,  kippy,  Jcippy  and  shoo- 
pig  *— negro  driver  could  not  write  his  own  name— languishing 
state  of  literature  in  this  country ;  t— philosophical  inquiry  of 
'Sbidlikens,  why  the  Americans  are  so  much  inferior  to  the 
nobility  of  Cheapside  and  Shoreditch,  and  why  they  do  not  eat 
plum-pudding  on  Sundays ;— superfine  reflections  about  any 
thing. 

CHAPTER  VI. 

TRENTON— built  above  the  head  of  navigation  to  encourage 
commerce — capital  of  the  State  \ — only  wants  a  castle,  a  bay,  a 
mountain,  a  sea,  and  a  volcano,  to  bear  a  strong  resemblance 
to  the  Bay  of  Naples— supreme  court  sitting— fat  chief  justice — 
used  to  get  asleep  on  the  bench  after  dinner — gave  judgment, 
I  suppose,  like  Pilate's  wife,  from  his  dreams— reminded  me  of 
Justice  Bridlegoose  deciding  by  a  throw  of  a  die,  and  of  the 
oracle  of  the  holy  bottle — attempted  to  kiss  the  chambermaid 
— boxed  my  ears  till  they  rung  like  our  theatre-bell — girl  had 
lost  one  tooth— mem.  all  the  American  ladies  prudes,  and  have 
bad  teeth; — Anacreon  Moore's  opinion  on  the  matter.— State- 
house — fine  place  to  see  the  sturgeons  jump  up— quere,  whether 
sturgeons  jump  up  by  an  impulse  of  the  tail,  or  whether  they 
bounce  up  from  the  bottom  by  the  elasticity  of  their  noses — 
Linkum  Fidelius  of  the  latter  opinion — I  too — sturgeons'  nose 
capital  for  tennis-balls—learnt  that  at  school — went  to  a  ball — 
negro  wench  principal  musician ! — N.B.  People  of  America  have 
no  fiddlers  but  females ! — origin  of  the  phrase,  "fiddle  of  your 
heart" — reasons  why  men  fiddle  better  than  women; — expe- 
dient of  the  Amazons  who  were  expert  at  the  bow : — waiter  at 
the  city-tavern — good  story  of  his — nothing  to  the  purpose — 
never  mind — fill  up  my  book  like  Carr — make  it  sell.  Saw  a 
democrat  get  into  the  stage  followed  by  his  dog.§  N.B.  This 
town  remarkable  for  dogs  and  democrats — superfine  sentiment  || 
— good  story  from  Joe  Miller— ode  to  a  piggin  of  butter— pen- 
sive meditations  on  a  mouse-hole—make  a  book  as  clear  as  a 
whistle! 


*  vide  Carr's  learned  derivation  of  gee  and  whoa. 
t  Moore.  $  Carr.  §  Moore.  ]  Carr. 


SALMAGUNDI.  §1 


NO.  V.-SATUKDAY,  MARCH  7,  1807. 


FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 

THE  following  letter  of  my  friend  Mustapha  appears  to  have 
been  written  some  time  subsequent  to  the  one  already  pub- 
lished. Were  I  to  judge  from  its  contents,  I  should  suppose  it 
was  suggested  by  the  splendid  review  of  the  twenty-fifth  of 
last  November;  when  a  pair  of  colours  was  presented  at  the 
City -Hall,  to  the  regiments  of  artillery ;  and  when  a  huge  din- 
ner was  devoured,  by  our  corporation,  in  the  honourable  re- 
membrance of  the  evacuation  of  this  city.  I  am  happy  to  find 
that  the  laudable  spirit  of  military  emulation  which  prevails 
in  our  city  has  attracted  the  attention  of  a  stranger  of  Musta- 
pha's  sagacity;  by  military  emulation  I  mean  that  spirited 
rivalry  in  the  size  of  a  hat,  the  length  of  a  feather,  and  the 
gingerbread  finery  of  a  sword  belt. 

LETTER  FROM  MUSTAPHA  RUB-A-DUB  KELT  KHAN, 

TO  ABDALLAH  EB'N  AL  RAHAB,  SURNAMED  THE  SNORER,  MILI- 
TARY SENTINEL  AT  THE  GATE  OF  HIS  HIGHNESS'  PALACE. 

THOU  hast  heard,  oh  Abdallah,  of  the  great  magician,  MULEY 
Fuz,  who  could  change  a  blooming  land,  blessed  with  all  the 
elysian  charms  of  hill  and  dale,  of  glade  and  grove,  of  fruit 
and  flower,  into  a  desert,  frightful,  solitary,  and  forlorn: — 
who  with  the  wave  of  his  wand  could  transform  even  the  dis- 
ciples of  Mahomet  into  grinning  apes  and  chattering  monkeys. 
Surely,  thought  I  to  myself  this  morning,  the  dreadful  Muley 
has  been  exercising  his  infernal  enchantments  on  these  un- 
happy infidels.  Listen,  oh  Abdallah,  and  wonder !  Last  night 
I  committed  myself  to  tranquil  slumber,  encompassed  with  all 
the  monotonous  tokens  of  peace,  and  this  morning  I  awoke 
enveloped  in  the  noise,  the  bustle,  the  clangor,  and  the  shout* 


52  SALMAGUNDI. 

of  war.  Every  thing  was  changed  as  if  by  magic.  An  im- 
mense army  had  sprung  up,  like  mushrooms,  in  a  night ;  and 
all  the  cobblers,  tailors,  and  tinkers  of  the  city  had  mounted 
the  nodding  plume ;  had  become,  in  the  t  winking  of  an  eye, 
helmetted  heroes  and  war-worn  veterans. 

Alarmed  at  the  beating  of  drums,  the  braying  of  trumpets, 
and  the  shouting  of  the  multitude,  I  dressed  myself  in  haste, 
sallied  forth,  and  followed  a  prodigious  crowd  of  people  to  a 
place  called  the  battery.  This  is  so  denominated,  I  am  told, 
from  having  once  been  defended  with  formidable  wooden  bul 
warks  which  in  the  course  of  a  hard  winter  were  thriftily 
pulled  to  pieces  by  an  economic  corporation,  to  be  distributed 
for  fire-wood  among  the  poor ;  this  was  done  at  the  hint  of  a 
cunning  old  engineer,  who  assured  them  it  was  the  only  way 
in  which  their  fortifications  would  ever  be  able  to  keep  up  a 
warm  fire.  ECONOMIC,  my  friend,  is  the  watch-word  of  this 
nation ;  I  have  been  studying  for  a  month  past  to  divine  its 
meaning,  but  truly  am  as  much  perplexed  as  ever.  It  is  a 
kind  of  national  starvation ;  an  experiment  how  many  com- 
forts and  necessaries  the  body  politic  can  be  deprived  of  before 
it  perishes.  It  has  already  arrived  to  a  lamentable  degree  of 
debility,  and  promises  to  share  the  fate  of  the  Arabian  philo- 
sopher, who  proved  that  he  could  live  without  food,  but  un- 
fortunately died  just  as  he  had  brought  his  experiment  to 
perfection. 

On  arriving  at  the  battery,  I  found  an  immense  army  of  six 
HUNDRED  MEN,  drawn  up  in  a  true  Mussulman  crescent.  At 
first  I  supposed  this  was  in  compliment  to  myself,  but  my 
interpreter  informed  me  that  it  was  done  merely  for  want  of 
room ;  the  corporation  not  being  able  to  afford  them  sufficient 
to  display  in  a  straight  line.  As  I  expected  a  display  of  some 
grand  evolutions,  and  military  manoeuvres,  I  determined  to 
remain  a  tranquil  spectator,  in  hopes  that  I  might  possibly 
collect  some  hints  which  might  be  of  service  to  his  highness. 

This  great  body  of  men  I  perceived  was  under  the  command 
of  a  small  bashaw,  in  yellow  and  gold,  with  white  nodding 
plumes,  and  most  formidable  whiskers ;  which,  contrary  to  the 
Tripolitan  fashion,  were  in  the  neighbourhood  of  his  ears 
instead  of  his  nose.  He  had  two  attendants  called  aid-de- 
camps, (or  tails)  being  similar  to  a  bashaw  with  two  tails. 
The  bashaw,  though  commander-in-chief ,  seemed  to  have  little 
more  to  do  than  myself ;  he  was  a  spectator  within  the  lines 
and  I  without:  he  was  clear  of  the  rabble  and  I  was  enconv 


SALMAGUNDI.  68 

passed  by  them;  this  was  the  only  difference  between  us, 
except  that  he  had  the  best  opportunity  of  showing  his  clothes. 
I  waited  an  hour  or  two  with  exemplary  patience,  expecting 
to  see  some  grand  military  evolutions  or  a  sham  battle  ex- 
hibited; but  no  such  thing  took  place;  the  men  stood  stock 
still,  supporting  their  arms,  groaning  under  the  fatigues  of 
1  war,  and  now  and  then  sending  out  a  foraging  party  to  levy 
contributions  of  beer  and  a  favourite  beverage  which  they 
denominate  grog.  As  I  perceived  the  crowd  very  active  in 
examining  the  line,  from  one  extreme  to  the  other,  and  as  I 
could  see  no  other  purpose  for  which  these  sunshine  warriors 
should  be  exposed  so  long  to  the  merciless  attacks  of  wind  and 
weather,  I  of  course  concluded  that  this  must  be  the  review. 

In  about  two  hours  the  army  was  put  in  motion,  and 
marched  through  some  narrow  streets,  where  the  economic 
corporation  had  carefully  provided  a  soft  carpet  of  mud,  to  a 
magnificent  castle  of  painted  brick,  decorated  with  grand 
pillars  of  pine  boards.  By  the  ardor  which  brightened  in  each 
countenance,  I  soon  perceived  that  this  castle  was  to  undergo 
a  vigorous  attack.  As  the  ordnance  of  the  castle  was  perfectly 
silent,  and  as  they  had  nothing  but  a  straight  street  to  advance 
through,  they  made  their  approaches  with  great  courage  and 
admirable  regularity,  until  within  about  a  hundred  feet  of  the 
castle  a  pump  opposed  a  formidable  obstacle  in  their  way,  and 
put  the  whole  army  to  a  nonplus.  The  circumstance  was  sud- 
den and  unlocked  for ;  the  commanding  officer  ran  over  all  the 
military  tactics  with  which  his  head  was  crammed,  but  none 
offered  any  expedient  for  the  present  awful  emergency.  The 
pump  maintained  its  post,  and  so  did  the  commander;  there 
was  no  knowing  which  was  most  at  a  stand.  The  command- 
ing officer  ordered  his  men  to  wheel  and  take  it  in  flank ; — the 
army  accordingly  wheeled  and  came  full  butt  against  it  hi  the 
rear,  exactly  as  they  were  before. — ''Wheel  to  the  left!"  cried 
the  officer;  they  did  so,  and  again  as  before  the  inveterate 
pump  intercepted  their  progress.  4 '  Right  about  face !"  cried 
the  officer;  the  men  obeyed,  but  bungled; — they  faced  back  to 
back.  Upon  this  the  bashaw  with  two  tails,  with  great  cool- 
ness, undauntedly  ordered  his  men  to  push  right  forward, 
pell-mell,  pump  or  no  pump;  they  gallantly  obeyed;  after  un- 
heard-of acts  of  bravery  the  pump  was  carried,  without  the 
loss  of  a  man,  and  the  army  firmly  entrenched  itself  under  the 
very  walls  of  the  castle.  The  bashaw  had  then  a  council  of 
war  with  his  officers;  the  most_yigorous  measures  were  re' 


54  SALMAGUNDI. 

solved  on.  An  advance  guard  of  musicians  were  ordered  to 
attack  the  castle  without  mercy.  Then  the  whole  band  opened 
a  most  tremendous  battery  of  drums,  fifes,  tambourines,  and 
trumpets,  and  kept  up  a  thundering  assault,  as  if  the  castle, 
like  the  walls  of  Jericho,  spoken  of  in  the  Jewish  chronicles, 
would  tumble  down  at  the  blowing  of  rams'  horns.  After 
some  time  a  parley  ensued.  The  grand  bashaw  of  the  city 
appeared  on  the  battlements  of  the  castle,  and  as  far  as  I  could 
understand  from  circumstances,  dared  the  little  bashaw  of  two 
tails  to  single  combat ; — this  thou  knowest  was  in  the  style  of 
ancient  chivalry ;—  the  little  bashaw  dismounted  with  great 
intrepidity,  and  ascended  the  battlements  of  the  castle,  where 
the  great  bashaw  waited  to  receive  him,  attended  by  numerous 
dignitaries  and  worthies  of  his  court,  one  of  whom  bore  the 
splendid  banners  of  the  castle.  The  battle  was  carried  on 
entirely  by  words,  according  to  the  universal  custom  of  this 
country,  of  which  I  shall  speak  to  thee  more  fully  hereafter. 
The  grand  bashaw  made  a  furious  attack  in  a  speech  of  con- 
siderable length;  the  little  bashaw,  by  no  means  appalled, 
retorted  with  great  spirit.  The  grand  bashaw  attempted  to 
rip  him  up  with  an  argument,  or  stun  him  with  a  solid  fact ; 
but  the  little  bashaw  parried  them  both  with  admirable  adroit- 
ness, and  run  him  clean  through  and  through  with  a  syllogism. 
The  grand  bashaw  was  overthrown,  the  banners  of  the  castle 
yielded  up  to  the  little  bashaw,  and  the  castle  surrendered 
after  a  vigorous  defence  of  three  hours, — during  which  the 
besieger  suffered  great  extremity  from  muddy  streets  and  a 
drizzling  atmosphere. 

On  returning  to  dinner  I  soon  discovered  that  as  usual  I  had 
been  indulging  in  a  great  mistake.  The  matter  was  all  clearly 
explained  to  me  by  a  fellow  lodger,  who  on  ordinary  occasions 
moves  in  the  humble  character  of  a  tailor,  but  in  the  present 
linstance  figured  in  a  high  military  station  denominated  cor- 
poral. He  informed  me  that  what  I  had  mistaken  for  a  castle 
was  the  splendid  palace  of  the  municipality,  and  that  the  sup- 
posed attack  was  nothing  more  than  the  delivery  of  a  flag 
given  by  the  authorities,  to  the  army,  for  its  magnanimous  de- 
fence of  the  town  for  upwards  of  twenty  years  past,  that  is, 
ever  since  the  last  war.  Oh !  my  friend,  surely  every  thing  in 

this  country  is  on  a  great  scale ! the  conversation  insensibly 

turned  upon  the  military  establishment  of  the  nation ;  and  I  do 
assure  thee  that  my  friend,  the  tailor,  though  being,  according 
to  a  national  proverb,  but  the  ninth  part  of  a  man,  yet  acquit* 


SALMAGUNDI.  55 

ted  himself  on  military  concerns  as  ably  as  the  grand  bashaw 
of  the  empire  himself.  He  observed  that  their  rulers  had  de- 
cided that  wars  were  very  useless  and  expensive,  and  ill  befit- 
ting an  economic,  philosophic  nation;  they  had  therefore  made 
up  their  minds  never  to  have  any  wars,  and  consequently 
there  was  no  need  of  soldiers  or  military  discipline.  As,  how- 
ever, it  was  thought  highly  ornamental  to  a  city  to  have  a 
number  of  men  drest  in  fine  clothes  and  feathers,  strutting 
about  the  streets  on  a  holiday — and  as  the  women  and  children 
were  particularly  fond  of  such  raree  shows,  it  was  ordered  that 
the  tailors  of  the  different  cities  throughout  the  empire  should, 
forthwith,  go  to  work,  and  cut  out  and  manufacture  soldiers, 
as  fast  as  their  shears  and  needles  would  permit. 

These  soldiers  have  no  pecuniary  pay;  and  their  only  recom- 
pense for  the  immense  services  which  they  render  their  coun- 
try, in  their  voluntary  parades,  is  the  plunder  of  smiles,  and 
winks,  and  nods  which  they  extort  from  the  ladies.  As  they 
have  no  opportunity,  like  the  vagrant  Arabs,  of  making  in- 
roads on  their  neighbors;  and  as  it  is  necessary  to  keep  up 
their  military  spirit,  the  town  is  therefore  now  and  then,  but 
particularly  on  two  days  of  the  year,  given  up  to  their  ravages. 
The  arrangements  are  contrived  with  admirable  address,  so 
that  every  officer,  from  the  bashaw  down  to  the  drum-major, 
the  chief  of  the  eunuchs,  or  musicians,  shall  have  his  share  of 
that  invaluable  booty,  the  admiration  of  the  fair.  As  to  the 
soldiers,  poor  animals,  they,  like  the  privates  in  all  great  ar- 
mies, have  to  bear  the  brunt  of  danger  and  fatigue,  while  their 
officers  receive  all  the  glory  and  reward.  The  narrative  of  a 
parade  day  will  exemplify  this  more  clearly. 

The  chief  bashaw,  in  the  plenitude  of  his  authority,  orders  a 
grand  review  of  the  whole  army  at  two  o'clock.  The  bashaw 
with  two  tails,  that  he  may  have  an  opportunity  of  vapouring 
about  as  greatest  man  on  the  field,  orders  the  army  to  assemble 
at  twelve.  The  kiaya,  or  colonel,  as  he  is  called,  that  is,  com- 
mander of  one  hundred  and  twenty  men,  orders  his  regiment 
or  tribe  to  collect  one  mile  at  least  from  the  place  of  parade  at 
eleven.  Each  captain,  or  fag-rag  as  we  term  them,  commands 
his  squad  to  meet  at  ten  at  least  a  half  mile  from  the  regimen- 
tal parade ;  and  to  close  all,  the  chief  of  the  eunuchs  orders  his 
infernal  concert  of  fifes,  trumpets,  cymbals,  and  kettle-drums 
to  assemble  at  ten!  from  that  moment  the  city  receives  no 
quarter.  All  is  noise,  hooting,  hubbub,  ard  combustion.  Every 
window,  door,  crack,  and  loop-hole,  from  the  garret  to  the 


56  SALMAGUNDI. 

cellar,  is  crowded  with  the  fascinating  fair  of  all  ages  and  of 
all  complexions.  The  mistress  smiles  through  the  windows  of 
the  drawing-room;  the  chubby  chambermaid  lolls  out  of  the 
attic  casement,  and  a  host  of  sooty  wenches  roll  their  white 
eyes  and  grin  and  chatter  from  the  cellar  door.  Every  nymph 
seems  anxious  to  yield  voluntarily  that  tribute  which  the 
heroes  of  their  country  demand.  First  struts  the  chief  eu- 
nuch, or  drum-major,  at  the  head  of  his  sable  band,  magnifi- 
cently arrayed  in  tarnished  scarlet.  Alexander  himself  could 
not  have  spurned  the  earth  more  superbly.  A  host  of  ragged 
boys  shout  in  his  train,  and  inflate  the  bosom  of  the  warrior 
with  tenfold  self-complacency.  After  he  has  rattled  his  kettle- 
drums through  the  town,  and  swelled  and  swaggered  like  a 
turkey-cock  before  all  the  dingy  Floras,  and  Dinahs,  and  Ju- 
noes,  and  Didoes  of  his  acquaintance,  he  repairs  to  his  place  of 
destination  loaded  with  a  rich  booty  of  smiles  and  approbation. 
Next  comes  the  FAG-RAG,  or  captain,  at  the  head  of  his  mighty 
band,  consisting  of  one  lieutenant,  one  ensign,  or  mute,  four 
sergeants,  four  corporals,  one  drummer,  one  fifer,  and  if  he 
has  any  privates,  so  much  the  better  for  himself.  In  march- 
ing to  the  regimental  parade  he  is  sure  to  paddle  through  the 
street  or  lane  which  is  honoured  with  the  residence  of  his  mis- 
tress or  intended,  whom  he  resolutely  lays  under  a  heavy  con- 
tribution. Truly  it  is  delectable  to  behold  these  heroes,  as  they 
march  along,  cast  side  glances  at  the  upper  windows ;  to  col- 
lect the  smiles,  the  nods,  and  the  winks,  which  the  enraptured 
fair  ones  lavish  profusely  on  the  magnanimous  defenders  of 
their  country. 

The  Fag-rags  having  conducted  their  squads  to  their  respec- 
tive regiments,  then  comes  the  turn  of  the  colonel,  a  bashaw 
with  no  tails,  for  all  eyes  are  now  directed  to  him ;  and  the  fag- 
rags,  and  the  eunuchs,  and  the  kettle-drummers,  having  had 
their  hour  of  notoriety,  are  confound  and  lost  in  the  military 
crowd.  The  colonel  sets  his  whole  regiment  in  motion;  and, 
mounted  on  a  mettlesome  charger,  frisks  and  fidgets,  and 
capers,  and  plunges  in  front,  to  the  great  entertainment  of  the 
multitude  and  the  great  hazard  of  himself  and  his  neighbours. 
Having  displayed  himself,  his  trappings,  his  horse,  and  his 
horsemanship,  he  at  length  arrives  at  the  place  of  general 
rendezvous ;  blessed  with  the  universal  admiration  of  his  coun- 
try-women. I  should  perhaps  mention  a  squadron  of  hardy 
veterans,  most  of  whom  have  seen  a  deal  of  service  during  the 
nineteen  or  twenty  years  of  their  existence,  and  who,  mosf 


SALMAGUNDI.  67 

gorgeously  equipped  in  tight  green  jackets  and  breeches,  trot 
and  amble,  and  gallop  and  scamper  like  little  devils  through 
every  street  and  nook  and  corner  and  poke-hole  of  the  city,  to 
the  great  dread  of  all  old  people  and  sage  matrons  with  young 
children.  This  is  truly  sublime !  this  is  what  I  call  making  a 
mountain  out  of  a  mole-hill.  Oh,  my  friend,  on  what  a  great 
scale  is  every  thing  in  this  country.  It  is  in  the  style  of  the 
wandering  Arabs  of  the  desert  El-tih.  Is  a  village  to  be  at- 
tacked, or  a  hamlet  to  be  plundered,  the  whole  desert,  for 
weeks  beforehand,  is  in  a  buzz ;— such  marching  and  counter- 
marching, ere  they  can  concentrate  their  ragged  force !  and  the 
consequence  is,  that  before  they  can  bring  their  troops  into 
action,  the  whole  enterprise  is  blown. 

The  army  being  all  happily  collected  on  the  battery,  though, 
perhaps,  two  hours  after  the  time  appointed,  it  is  now  the  turn 
of  the  bashaw,  with  two  tails,  to  distinguish  himself.  Ambi- 
tion, my  friend,  is  implanted  alike  in  every  heart ;  it  pervades 
each  bosom,  from  the  bashaw  to  the  drum-major.  This  is  a 
sage  truism,  and  I  trust,  therefore,  it  will  not  be  disputed. 
The  bashaw,  fired  with  that  thirst  for  glory,  inseparable  from 
the  noble  mind,  is  anxious  to  reap  a  full  share  of  the  laurels  of 
the  day  and  bear  off  his  portion  of  female  plunder.  The  drums 
beat,  the  fifes  whistle,  the  standards  wave  proudly  in  the  air. 
The  signal  is  given !  thunder  roars  the  cannon !  away  goes  the 
bashaw,  and  away  go  the  tails!  The  review  finished,  evolu- 
tions and  military  manoeuvres  are  generally  dispensed  with  for 
three  excellent  reasons;  first,  because  the  army  knows  very 
little  about  them ;  second,  because  as  the  country  has  deter- 
mined to  remain  always  at  peace,  there  is  no  necessity  for 
them  to  know  any  thing  about  them ;  and  third,  as  it  is  grow- 
ing late,  the  bashaw  must  despatch,  or  it  will  be  too  dark 
for  him  to  get  his  quota  of  the  plunder.  He  of  course  orders 
the  whole  army  to  march:  and  now,  my  friend,  now  come 
the  tug  of  war,  now  is  the  city  completely  sacked.  Open  *!y 
the  battery-gates,  forth  sallies  the  bashaw  with  his  two  tails, 
surrounded  by  a  shouting  body-guard  of  boys  and  negroes! 
then  pour  forth  his  legions,  potent  as  the  pismires  of  the 
desert !  the  customary  salutations  of  the  country  commence — 
those  tokens  of  joy  and  admiration  which  so  much  annoyed 
me  on  first  landing:  the  air  is  darkened  with  old  hats,  shoes, 
and  dead  cats ;  they  fly  in  showers  like  the  arrows  of  the  Par- 
thians.  The  soldiers,  no  ways  disheartened,  like  the  intrepid 
followers  of  Leonidas,  march  gallantly  under  their  shade  On 


58  SALMAGUNDI. 

they  push,  splash  dash,  mud  or  no  mud.  Down  one  lane,  up 
another; — the  martial  music  resounds  through  every  street; 
the  fair  ones  throng  to  their  windows, — the  soldiers  look 
every  way  but  straight  forward.  "Carry  arms,"  cries  the 
bashaw— " tanta  ra-ra,"  brays  the  trumpet — "rub-a-dub," 
roars  the  drum — "hurraw,"  shout  the  ragamuffins.  The 
bashaw  smiles  with  exultation — every  fag-rag  feels  himself  a 
hero— "none  but  the  brave  deserve  the  fair!"  head  of  the  im- 
mortal Amrou,  on  what  o.  great  scale  is  every  thing  in  this 
country. 

Ay,  but  you'll  say,  is  not  this  unfair  that  the  officers  should 
share  all  the  sports  while  the  privates  undergo  all  the  fatigue? 
truly,  my  friend,  I  indulged  the  same  idea,  and  pitied  from 
my  heart  the  poor  fellows  who  had  to  drabble  through  the 
mud  and  the  mire,  toiling  under  ponderous  cocked  hats,  which 
seemed  as  unwieldy  and  cumbrous  as  the  shell  which  the  snail 
lumbers  along  on  his  back.  I  soon  found  out,  however,  that 
they  have  their  quantum  of  notoriety.  As  soon  as  the  army 
is  dismissed,  the  city  swarms  with  little  scouting  parties,  who 
fire  off  their  guns  at  every  corner,  to  he  great  delight  of  all  the 
women  and  children  in  their  vicinity ;  and  wo  unto  any  dog, 
or  pig,  or  hog,  that  falls  in  the  way  of  these  magnanimous  war- 
riors ;  they  are  shown  no  quarter.  Every  gentle  swain  repairs 
to  pass  the  evening  at  the  feet  of  his  dulcinea,  to  play  "the 
soldier  tired  of  war's  alarms,"  and  to  captivate  her  with  the 
glare  of  his  regimentals ;  excepting  some  ambitious  heroes  who 
strut  to  the  theatre,  flame  away  in  the  front  boxes,  and  hector 
every  old  apple-woman  in  the  lobbies. 

Such,  my  friend,  is  the  gigantic  genius  of  this  nation,  and 
its  faculty  of  swelling  up  nothings  'into  importance.  Our 
bashaw  of  Tripoli  will  review  his  troops,  of  some  thousands, 
by  an  early  hour  in  the  morning.  Here  a  review  of  six  hun- 
dred men  is  made  the  mighty  work  of  a  day !  with  us  a  bashaw 
of  two  tails  is  never  appointed  to  a  command  of  less  than  ten 
thousand  men;  but  here  we  behold  every  grade,  from  the 
bashaw  down  to  the  drum-major,  in  a  force  of  less  than  one- 
tenth  of  the  number.  By  the  beard  of  Mahomet,  but  every 
thing  here  is  indeed  on  a  great  scale  1 


SALMAGUNDI. 


BY  ANTHONY  EVERGREEN,  GENT. 

I  WAS  not  a  little  surprised  the  other  morning  at  a  request 
from  Will  Wizard  that  I  would  accompany  him  that  evening 

to  Mrs. 's  ball.  The  request  was  simple  enough  in  itself,  it 

was  only  singular  as  coming  from  Will ; — of  all  my  acquaint- 
ance Wizard  is  the  least  calculated  and  disposed  for  the  society 
of  ladies — not  that  he  dislikes  their  company ;  on  the  contrary, 
like  every  man  of  pith  and  marrow,  he  is  a  professed  admirer 
of  the  sex ;  and  had  he  been  born  a  poet,  would  undoubtedly 
have  bespattered  and  be-rhymed  some  hard-named  goddess, 
until  she  became  as  famous  as  Petrarch's  Laura,  or  Waller's 
Sacharissa ;  but  Will  is  such  a  confounded  bungler  at  a  bow, 
has  so  many  odd  bachelor  habits,  and  finds  it  so  troublesome 
to  be  gallant,  that  he  generally  prefers  smoking  his  segar  and 
telling  his  story  among  cronies  of  his  own  gender: — and  thun- 
dering long  stories  they  are,  let  me  tell  you ; — set  Will  once  a 
going  about  China  or  Grim  Tartary,  or  the  Hottentots,  and 
heaven  help  the  poor  victim  who  has  to  endure  his  prolixity ; 
he  might  better  be  tied  to  the  tail  of  a  jack-o'-lantern.  In  one 
word— Will  talks  like  a  traveller.  Being  well  acquainted  with 
his  character,  I  was  the  more  alarmed  at  his  inclination  to 
visit  a  party ;  since  he  has  often  assured  me,  that  he  considered 
it  as  equivalent  to  being  stuck  up  for  three  hours  in  a  steam- 
engine.  I  even  wondered  how  he  had  received  an  invitation ; — 
this  he  soon  accounted  for.  It  seems  Will,  on  his  last  arrival 
from  Canton,  had  made  a  present  of  a  case  of  tea  to  a  lady  for 
whom  he  had  once  entertained  a  sneaking  kindness  when  at 
grammar  school ;  and  she  in  return  had  invited  him  to  come 
and  drink  some  of  it ;  a  cheap  way  enough  of  paying  off  little 
obligations.  I  readily  acceded  to  Will's  proposition,  expecting 
much  entertainment  from  his  eccentric  remarks;  and  as  he 
has  been  absent  some  few  years,  I  anticipated  his  surprise  at 
the  splendour  and  elegance  of  a  modern  rout. 

On  calling  for  Will  in  the  evening,  I  found  him  full  dressed, 
waiting  for  me.  I  contemplated  him  with  absolute  dismay. 
As  he  still  retained  a  spark  of  regard  for  the  lady  who  once 
reigned  in  his  affections,  he  had  been  at  unusual  pains  in 
decorating  his  person,  and  broke  upon  my  sight  arrayed  in  the 
the  true  style  that  prevailed  among  our  beaux  some  years 
ago.  His  hair  was  turned  up  ajid  tufted  at  the  top,  frizzled 


60  SALMAGUNDI. 

out  at  the  ears,  a  profusion  of  powder  puffed  over  the  whole, 
and  a  long  plaited  club  swung  gracefully  from  shoulder  to 
shoulder,  describing  a  pleasing  semicircle  of  powder  and  poma- 
tum. His  claret-coloured  coat  was  decorated  with  a  profusion 
of  gilt  buttons,  and  reached  to  his  calves.  His  white  casimere 
small-clothes  were  so  tight  that  he  seemed  to  have  grown  up 
in  them ;  and  his  ponderous  legs,  which  are  the  thickest  part 
of  his  body,  were  beautifully  clothed  in  sky-blue  silk  stock- 
ings, once  considered  so  becoming.  But  above  all,  he  prided 
himself  upon  his  waistcoat  of  China  silk,  which  might  almost 
have  served  a  good  housewife  for  a  shortgown;  and  he 
boasted  that  the  roses  and  tulips  upon  it  were  the  work  of 
Nang  Fou,  daughter  of  the  great  Chin-Chin-Fou,  who  had 
fallen  in  love  with  the  graces  of  his  person,  and  sent  it  to  him 
as  a  parting  present ;  he  assured  me  she  was  a  remarkable 
beauty,  with  sweet  obliquity  of  eyes,  and  a  foot  no  larger 
than  the  thumb  of  an  alderman; — he  then  dilated  most 
copiously  on  his  silver-sprigged  dickey,  which  he  assured  me 
was  quite  the  rage  among  the  dashing  young  mandarins  of 
Canton. 

I  hold  it  an  ill-natured  office  to  put  any  man  out  of  conceit 
with  himself;  so,  though  I  would  willingly  have  made  a  little 
alteration  in  my  friend  Wizard's  picturesque  costume,  yet  I 
politely  complimented  him  on  his  rakish  appearance. 

On  entering  the  room  I  kept  a  good  look-out  on  Will,  ex- 
pecting to  see  him  exhibit  signs  of  surprise;  but  he  is  one  of 
those  knowing  fellows  who  are  never  surprised  at  any  thing, 
or  at  least  will  never  acknowledge  it.  He  took  his  stand  hi 
the  middle  of  the  floor,  playing  with  his  great  steel  watch- 
chain  ;  and  looking  around  on  the  company,  the  furniture,  and 

the  pictures,  with  the  air  of  a  man  "  who  had  seen  d d  finer 

things  in  his  time ;"  and  to  my  utter  confusion  and  dismay,  I 
saw  him  coolly  pull  out  his  villainous  old  japanned  tobacco- 
box,  ornamented  with  a  bottle,  a  pipe,  and  a  scurvy  motto, 
and  help  himself  to  a  quid  in  face  of  all  the  company. 

I  knew  it  was  all  in  vain  to  find  fault  with  a  fellow  of  Will's 
socratic  turn,  who  is  never  to  be  put  out  of  humour  with  him- 
self ;  so,  after  he  had  given  his  box  its  prescriptive  rap  and 
returned  it  to  his  pocket,  I  drew  him  into  a  corner  where  he 
might  observe  the  company  without  being  prominent  objects 
ourselves. 

"And  pray  who  is  that  stylish  figure,"  said  Will,  "who 
blazes  away  in  red,  like  a  volcano,  and  who  seems  wrapped  iu 


SALMAGUNDI.  61 

flames  like  a  fiery  dragon?"— That,  cried  I,  is  Miss  LATTREUA 
DASHAWAY; — she  is  the  highest  flash  of  the  ton — has  much 
whim  and  more  eccentricity,  and  has  reduced  many  an  un- 
happy gentleman  to  stupidity  by  her  charms;  you  see  she 
holds  out  the  red  flag  in  token  of  "no  quarter."  "Then  keep 
me  safe  out  of  the  sphere  of  her  attractions,"  cried  Will.  "I 
would  not  e'en  come  in  contact  with  her  tram,  lest  it  should 

scorch  me  like  the  tail  of  a  comet. But  who,  I  beg  of  you, 

is  that  amiable  youth  who  is  handing  along  a  young  lady,  and 
at  the  same  contemplating  his  sweet  person  in  a  mirror,  as  he 
passes?"  His  name,  said  I,  is  BILLY  DIMPLE; — he  is  a  univer- 
sal smiler,  and  would  travel  from  Dan  to  Beersheba  and  smile 
on  every  body  as  he  passed.  Dimple  is  a  slave  to  the  ladies — 
a  hero  at  tea-parties,  and  is  famous  at  the  pirouet  and  the 
pigeon- wing ;  a  fiddle-stick  is  his  idol,  and  a  dance  his  elysium. 
"  A  very  pretty  young  gentleman,  truly,"  cried  Wizard;  "he 
reminds  me  of  a  cotemporary  beau  at  Hayti.  You  must  know 
that  the  magnanimous  Dessalines  gave  a  great  ball  to  his  court 
one  fine  sultry  summer's  evening ;  Dessy  and  me  were  great 
cronies; — hand  and  glove: — one  of  the  most  condescending 
great  men  I  ever  knew.  Such  a  display  of  black  and  yellow 
beauties!  such  a  show  of  Madras  handkerchiefs,  red  beads^ 
cock's-tails  and  peacock's  feathers!— it  was,  as  here,  who 
should  wear  the  highest  top-knot,  drag  the  longest  tails,  or 
exhibit  the  greatest  variety  of  combs,  colours  and  gew-gaws. 
In  the  middle  of  the  rout,  when  all  was  buzz,  slip-shod,  clack, 
and  perfume,  who  should  enter  but  TUCKY  SQUASH!  The 
yellow  beauties  blushed  blue,  and  the  black  ones  blushed  as 
red  as  they  could,  with  pleasure ;  and  there  was  a  universal 
agitation  of  fans ;  every  eye  brightened  and  whitened  to  see 
Tucky ;  for  he  was  the  pride  of  the  court,  the  pink  of  courtesy, 
the  mirror  of  fashion,  the  adoration  of  all  the  sable  fair  ones 
of  Hayti.  Such  breadth  of  nose,  such  exuberance  of  lip !  his 
shins  had  the  true  cucumber  curve ;  his  face  in  dancing  shc^e 
like  a  kettle ;  and,  provided  you  kept  to  windward  of  hi™  in 
summer,  I  do  not  known  a  sweeter  youth  in  all  Hayti  than 
Tucky  Squash.  When  he  laughed,  there  appeared  from  ear 
to  ear  a  chevaux-de-f rize  of  teeth,  that  rivalled  the  shark's  in 
whiteness;  he  could  whistle  like  a  north-wester;  play  on  a 
three-stringed  fiddle  like  Apollo;  and  as  to  dancing,  no  Lonr- 
Island  negro  could  shuffle  you  "  double-trouble,"  or  "hoe  COT n 
and  dig  potatoes"  more  scientifically: — in  short,  he  was  a 
second  Lothario.  And  the  dusky  nymphs  of  Hayti,  one  and 


62  SALMAGUNDI. 

all,  declared  him  a  perpetual  Adonis.  Tucky  walked  about, 
whistling  to  himself,  without  regarding  any  body;  and  his 
nonchalance  was  irresistible." 

I  found  Will  had  got  neck  and  heels  into  one  of  his  travel- 
lers' stories ;  and  there  is  no  knowing  how  far  he  would  have 
run  his  parallel  between  Billy  Dimple  and  Tucky  Squash,  had 
not  the  music  struck  up,  from  an  adjoining  apartment,  and 
summoned  the  company  to  the  dance.  The  sound  seemed  to 
have  an  inspiring  effect  on  honest  Will,  and  he  procured  the 
hand  of  an  old  acquaintance  for  a  country  dance.  It  hap- 
pened to  be  the  fashionable  one  of  "the  Devil  among  the 
tailors,"  which  is  so  vociferously  demanded  at  every  ball  and 
assembly :  and  many  a  torn  gown,  and  many  an  unfortunate 
toe  did  rue  the  dancing  of  that  night;  for  Will,  thundering 
down  the  dance  like  a  coach  and  six,  sometimes  right,  some- 
wrong;  now  running  over  half  a  score  of  little  Frenchmen, 
and  now  making  sad  inroads  into  ladies'  cobweb  muslins  and 
spangled  tails.  As  every  part  of  Will's  body  partook  of  the 
exertion,  he  shook  from  his  capacious  head  such  volumes  of 
powder,  that  like  pious  Eneas  on  the  first  interview  with 
Queen  Dido,  he  might  be  said  to  have  been  enveloped  in  a 
cloud.  Nor  was  Will's  partner  an  insignificant  figure  in  the 
scene ;  she  was  a  young  lady  of  most  voluminous  proportions, 
that  quivered  at  every  skip;  and  being  braced  up  in  the 
fashionable  style  with  whalebone,  stay -tape,  and  buckram, 
looked  like  an  apple-pudding  tied  in  the  middle ;  or,  taking  her 
flaming  dress  into  consideration,  like  a  bed  and  bolsters  rolled 
up  in  a  suit  of  red  curtains.  The  dance  finished — I  would 
gladly  have  taken  Will  off,  but  no ; — he  was  now  in  one  of  his 
happy  moods,  and  there  was  no  doing  any  thing  with  him. 
He  insisted  on  my  introducing  him  to  Miss  SOPHY  SPARKLE, 
a  young  lady  unrivalled  for  playful  wit  and  innocent  vivacity, 
and  who,  like  a  brilliant,  adds  lustre  to  the  front  of  fashion. 
I  accordingly  presented  him  to  her,  and  began  a  conversation 
in  which,  I  thought,  he  might  take  a  share;  but  no  such 
thing.  Will  took  his  stand  before  her,  straddling  like  a 
Colossus,  with  his  hands  in  his  pockets,  and  an  air  of  the  most 
profound  attention;  nor  did  he  pretend  to  open  his  lips  for 
some  time,  until,  upon  some  lively  sally  of  hers,  he  electrified 
the  whole  company  with  a  most  intolerable  burst  of  laughter. 
What  was  to  be  done  with  such  an  incorrigible  fellow? — to 
add  to  my  distress,  the  first  word  he  spoke  was  to  tell  Miss 
Sparkle  that  something  she  ^aid  reminded  him  of  a  circuro- 


SALMAGUNDI.  63 

stance  that  happened  to  him  in  China ; — and  at  it  he  went,  in 
the  time  traveller  style— described  the  Chinese  mode  of  eating 
rice  with  chop-sticks ;— entered  into  a  long  eulogium  on  the 
succulent  qualities  of  boiled  bird's  nests;  and  I  made  my 
escape  at  the  very  moment  when  he  was  on  the  point  of 
squatting  down  on  the  floor,  to  show  how  the  little  Chinese 
Joshes  sit  cross-legged. 


TO  THE  LADIES. 

FEOM  THE  MILL   OF  PINDAR  COCKLOFT,   ESQ, 

Though  jogging  down  the  hill  of  life, 
Without  the  comfort  of  a  wife ; 
And  though  I  ne'er  a  helpmate  chose, 
To  stock  my  house  and  mend  my  hose; 
With  care  my  person  to  adorn, 
And  spruce  me  up  on  Sunday  morn; — 
Still  do  I  love  the  gentle  sex, 
And  still  with  cares  my  brain  perplex 
To  keep  the  fair  ones  of  the  age 
Unsullied  as  the  spotless  page; 
All  pure,  all  simple,  all  refined, 
The  sweetest  solace  of  mankind. 

I  hate  the  loose,  insidious  jest 
To  beauty's  modest  ear  addrest, 
And  hold  that  frowns  should  never  fail 
To  check  each  smooth,  but  fulsome  tale; 
But  he  whose  impious  pen  should  dare 
Invade  the  morals  of  the  fair; 
To  taint  that  purity  divine 
Which  should  each  female  heart  enshrine ; 
Though  soft  his  vicious  strains  should  swell, 
As  those  which  erst  from  Gabriel  fell, 
Should  yet  be  held  aloft  to  shame, 
And  foul  dishonour  shade  his  name. 
Judge,  then,  my  friends,  of  my  surprise" 
The  ire  that  kindled  in  my  eyes, 
When  I  relate,  that  t'other  day 
I  went  a  morning-call  to  pay, 


(J4  8ALMAGVNDL 

On  two  young  nieces:  just  come  down 

To  take  the  polish  of  the  town. 

By  which  I  mean  no  more  or  less 

Than  a  la  Francaise  to  undress ; 

To  whirl  the  modest  waltz'  rounds, 

Taught  by  Duport  for  snug  ten  pounda 

To  thump  and  thunder  through  a  song, 

Play  fortes  soft  and  dolce's  strong; 

Exhibit  loud  piano  feats, 

Caught  from  that  crotchet-hero,  Meetz: 

To  drive  the  rose-bloom  from  the  face, 

And  fix  the  lily  in  its  place ; 

To  doff  the  white,  and  in  its  stead 

To  bounce  about  in  brazen  red. 

While  in  the  parlour  I  delay'd, 
Till  they  their  persons  had  array'd, 
A  dapper  volume  caught  my  eye, 
That  on  the  window  chanced  to  lie: 
A  book's  a  friend— I  always  choose 
To  turn  its  pages  and  peruse:— 
It  proved  those  poems  known  to  fame 
For  praising  every  cyprian  dame ; — 
The  bantlings  of  a  dapper  youth, 
Renown'd  for  gratitude  and  truth: 
A  little  pest,  hight  TOMMY  MOORE, 
Who  hopp'd  and  skipp'd  our  country  o'er  ; 
Who  sipp'd  our  tea  and  lived  on  sops, 
Revell'd  on  syllabubs  and  slops, 
And  when  his  brain,  of  cobweb  fine, 
Was  fuddled  with  five  drops  of  wine, 
Would  all  his  puny  loves  rehearse, 
And  many  a  maid  debauch— in  verse. 
Surprised  to  meet  in  open  view, 
A  book  of  such  lascivious  hue, 
I  chid  my  nieces — but  they  say, 
'Tis  all  the  passion  of  the  day ; — 
That  many  a  fashionable  belle 
Will  with  enraptured  accents  dwell 
On  the  sweet  morceau  she  has  found 
In  this  delicious,  curst,  compound ! 

Soft  do  the  tinkling  numbers  roll, 
And  lure  to  vice  the  unthinking  soul; 


SALMAGUNDI. 

They  tempt  by  softest  sounds  away, 
They  lead  entranced  the  heart  astray ; 
And  Satan's  doctrine  sweetly  sing, 
As  with  a  seraph's  heavenly  string. 
Such  sounds,  so  good,  old  Homer  sung, 
Once  warbled  from  the  Syren's  tongue; — 
Sweet  melting  tones  were  heard  to  pour 
Along  Ausonia's  sun-gilt  shore ; 
Seductive  strains  in  aether  float, 
And  every  wild  deceitful  note 
That  could  the  yielding  heart  assail, 
Were  wafted  on  the  breathing  gale; — 
And  every  gentle  accent  bland 
To  tempt  Ulysses  to  their  strand. 
And  can  it  be  this  book  so  base, 
Is  laid  on  every  window-case? 
Oh !  fair  ones,  if  you  will  profane 
Those  breasts  where  heaven  itself  should  reign]; 
And  throw  those  pure  recesses  wide, 
Where  peace  and  virtue  should  reside 
To  let  the  holy  pile  admit 
A  guest  unhallowed  and  unfit ; 
Pray,  like  the  frail  ones  of  the  night, 
Who  hide  their  wanderings  from  the  light, 
So  let  your  errors  secret  be, 
And  hide,  at  least,  your  fault  from  me : 
Seek  some  by  corner  to  explore 
The  smooth,  polluted  pages  o'er: 
There  drink  the  insidious  poison  in, 
There  slyly  nurse  your  souls  for  sin: 
And  while  that  purity  you  blight 
Which  stamps  you  messengers  of  light, 
And  sap  those  mounds  the  gods  bestow, 
To  keep  you  spotless  here  below; 
Still  in  compassion  to  our  race, 
Who  joy,  not  only  in  the  face, 
But  in  that  more  exalted  part, 
The  sacred  temple  of  the  heart; 
Oh !  hide  for  ever  from  our  view, 
The  fatal  mischief  you  pursue: — 
Let  MEN  your  praises  still  exalt, 
And  none  but  ANGELS  mourn  your  fault, 


SALMAGUNDI. 


NO.  VI.-FRIDAY  MARCH  20,  1807. 


FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 

THE  Cockloft  family,  of  which  I  have  made  such  frequent 
mention,  is  of  great  antiquity,  if  there  be  any  truth  in  the 
genealogical  tree  which  hangs  up  in  my  cousin's  library.  They 
trace  their  descent  from  a  celebrated  Eoman  knight,  cousin  to 
the  progenitor  of  his  majesty  of  Britain,  who  left  his  native 
country  on  occasion  of  some  disgust ;  and  coming  into  Wales 
became  a  great  favourite  of  prince  Madoc,  and  accompanied 
that  famous  argonaut  in  the  voyage  which  ended  in  the  dis* 
covery  of  this  continent.  Though  a  member  of  the  family,  I 
have  sometimes  ventured  to  doubt  the  authenticity  of  this  por* 
tion  of  their  annals,  to  the  great  vexation  of  cousin  Christopher : 
who  is  looked  up  to  as  the  head  of  our  house ;  and  who,  though 
as  orthodox  as  a  bishop,  would  sooner  give  up  the  whole  deca- 
logue than  lop  off  a  single  limb  of  the  family  tree.  From  time 
immemorial,  it  has  been  the  rule  for  the  Cocklofts  to  marry 
one  of  their  own  name ;  and  as  they  always  bred  like  rabbits, 
the  family  has  increased  and  multiplied  like  that  of  Adam  and 
Eve.  In  truth,  their  number  is  almost  incredible ;  and  you  can 
hardly  go  into  any  part  of  the  country  without  starting 
ia  warren  of  genuine  Cocklofts.  Every  person  of  the  least 
observation  or  experience  must  have  observed  that  where 
this  practice  of  marrying  cousins  and  second  cousins  pre- 
vails in  a  family,  every  member  in  the  course  of  a  few  gen- 
erations becomes  queer,  humourous,  and  original;  as  much  dis- 
tinguished from  the  common  race  of  mongrels  as  if  he  was 
of  a  different  species.  This  has  happened  in  our  family, 
and  particularly  in  that  branch  of  it  of  which  Mr.  Christopher 
Cockloft,  or,  to  do  him  justice,  Mr.  Christopher  Cockloft,  Esq., 
is  the  head.  Christopher  is,  in  fact,  the  only  married  man  of 
the  name  who  resides  in  townj  his_family  is  small,  having  lost 


SALMAGUNDI.  67 

most  of  his  children  when  young,  by  the  excessive  care  he  took 
to  bring  them  up  like  vegetables.  This  was  one  of  his  first 
whim-whams,  and  a  confounded  one  it  was,  as  his  children 
might  have  told,  had  they  not  fallen  victims  to  this  experiment 
before  they  could  talk.  He  had  got  from  some  quack  philoso- 
pher or  other  a  notion  that  there  was  a  complete  analogy  be- 
tween children  and  plants,  and  that  they  ought  to  be  both 
reared  alike.  Accordingly,  he  sprinkled  them  every  morning 
with  water,  laid  them  out  in  the  sun,  as  he  did  his  geraniums ; 
and  if  the  season  was  remarkably  dry,  repeated  this  wise  ex- 
periment three  or  four  times  of  a  morning.  The  consequence 
was,  the  poor  little  souls  died  one  after  the  other,  except  Jer- 
emy and  his  two  sisters,  who,  to  be  sure,  are  a  trio  of  as  odd, 
runty,  mummy-looking  originals  as  ever  Hogarth  fancied  in 
his  most  happy  moments.  Mrs.  Cockloft,  the  larger  if  not  the 
better  half  of  my  cousin,  often  remonstrated  against  this  vege- 
table theory;  and  even  brought  the  parson  of  the  parish  in 
which  my  cousin's  country  house  is  situated  to  her  aid,  but  in 
vain:  Christopher  persisted,  and  attributed  the  failure  of  his 
plan  to  its  not  having  been  exactly  conformed  to.  As  I  have 
mentioned  Mrs.  Cockloft,  I  may  as  well  say  a  little  more  about 
her  while  I  am  in  the  humour.  She  is  a  lady  of  wonderful  no- 
tability, a  warm  admirer  of  shining  mahogany,  clean  hearths, 
and  her  husband ;  who  she  considers  the  wisest  man  in  the 
world,  bating  Will  Wizard  and  the  parson  of  our  parish ;  the 
last  of  whom  is  her  oracle  on  all  occasions.  She  goes  constant- 
ly to  church  every  Sunday  and  Saints-day ;  and  insists  upon  it 
that  no  man  is  entitled  to  ascend  a  pulpit  unless  he  has  been 
ordained  by  a  bishop ;  nay,  so  far  does  she  carry  her  orthodoxy, 
that  all  the  argument  in  the  world  will  never  persuade  her  that 
a  Presbyterian  or  Baptist,  or  even  a  Calvinist,  has  any  possible 
chance  of  going  to  heaven.  Above  every  thing  else,  however, 
she  abhors  paganism.  Can  scarcely  refrain  from  laying  vio- 
lent hands  on  a  pantheon  when  she  meets  with  it ;  and  was 
very  nigh  going  into  hysterics  when  my  cousin  insisted  one  of 
his  boys  should  be  christened  after  our  laureate :  because  the 
parson  of  the  parish  had  told  her  that  Pindar  was  the  name 
of  a  pagan  writer,  famous  for  his  love  of  boxing  matches, 
wrestling,  and  horse-racing.  To  sum  up  all  her  qualifications 
in  the  shortest  possible  way,  Mrs.  Cockloft  is,  in  the  true  sense 
of  the  phrase,  a  good  sort  of  woman ;  and  I  often  congratulate 
my  cousin  on  possessing  her.  The  rest  of  the  family  consists 
of  Jeremy  Cockloft  the  younger,  who  has  already  been  men- 


(58  SALMAGUNDI. 

tioned,  and  the  two  Miss  Cocklofts,  or  rather  the  young  ladies, 
as  they  have  been  called  by  the  servants,  time  out  of  mind ;  not 
that  they  are  really  young,  the  younger  being  somewhat  on  the 
shady  side  of  thirty,  but  it  has  ever  been  the  custom  to  call 
every  member  of  the  family  young  under  fifty.  In  the  south- 
east corner  of  the  house,  I  hold  quiet  possession  of  an  old- 
fashioned  apartment,  where  myself  and  my  elbow-chair  are 
suffered  to  amuse  ourselves  undisturbed,  save  at  meal  times. 
This  apartment  old  Cockloft  has  facetiously  denominated 
cousin  Launce's  paradise ;  and  the  good  old  gentleman  has  two 
or  three  favourite  jokes  about  it,  which  are  served  up  as  reg- 
ularly as  the  standing  family  dish  of  beef -steaks  and  onions, 
which  every  day  maintains  its  station  at  the  foot  of  the  table, 
in  defiance  of  mutton,  poultry,  or  even  venison  itself. 

Though  the  family  is  apparently  small,  yet,  like  most  old  es- 
tablishments of  the  kind,  it  does  not  want  for  honorary  mem- 
bers. It  is  the  city  rendezvous  of  the  Cocklofts ;  and  we  are 
continually  enlivened  by  the  company  of  half  a  score  of  uncles, 
aunts,  and  cousins,  in  the  fortieth  remove,  from  all  parts  of 
the  country,  who  profess  a  wonderful  regard  for  cousin  Chris- 
topher, and  overwhelm  every  member  of  his  household,  down 
to  the  cook  in  the  kitchen,  with  their  attentions.  We  have  for 
three  weeks  past  been  greeted  with  the  company  of  two  worthy 
old  spinsters,  who  came  down  from  the  country  to  settle  a  law- 
suit. They  have  done  little  else  but  retail  stories  of  their  vil- 
lage neighbours,  knit  stockings,  and  take  snuff  all  the  time  they 
have  been  here ;  the  whole  family  are  bewildered  with  church- 
yard tales  of  sheeted  ghosts,  white  horses  without  heads  and 
with  large  goggle  eyes  in  their  buttocks;  and  not  one  of  the 
old  servants  dare  budge  an  inch  after  dark  without  a  numerous 
company  at  his  heels.  My  cousin's  visitors,  however,  always 
return  his  hospitality  with  due  gratitude,  and  now  and  then  re- 
mind him  of  their  fraternal  regard  by  a  present  of  a  pot  of 
apple-sweetmeats  or  a  barrel  of  sour  cider  at  Christmas.  Jere' 
my  displays  himself  to  great  advantage  among  his  country  re- 
lations, who  all  think  him  a  prodigy,  and  often  stand  astound- 
ed, hi  "gaping  wonderment,"  at  his  natural  philosophy.  He 
lately  frightened  a  simple  old  uncle  almost  out  of  his  wits, 
by  giving  it  as  his  opinion  that  the  earth  would  one  day  be 
scorched  to  ashes  by  the  eccentric  gambols  of  the  famous 
comet,  so  much  talked  of;  and  positively  asserted  that  this 
world  revolved  round  the  sun,  and  that  the  moon  was  certain- 
ly inhabited.  


SALMAGUNDI.  09 

The  family  mansion  bears  equal  marks  of  antiquity  with  its 
inhabitants.  As  the  Cocklofts  are  remarkable  for  their  attach- 
ment to  every  thing  that  has  remained  long  in  the  family,  they 
are  bigoted  towards  their  old  edifice,  and  I  dare  say  would 
sooner  have  it  crumble  about  their  ears  than  abandon  it.  The 
consequence  is,  it  has  been  so  patched  up  and  repaired,  that  it 
has  become  as  full  of  whims  and  oddities  as  its  tenants ;  re- 
quires to  be  nursed  and  humoured  like  a  gouty  old  codger  of 
an  alderman,  and  reminds  one  of  the  famous  ship  in  which  a 
certain  admiral  circumnavigated  the  globe,  which  was  so 
patched  and  timbered,  in  order  to  preserve  so  great  a  curi- 
osity, that  at  length  not  a  particle  of  the  original  remained. 
Whenever  the  wind  blows,  the  old  mansion  makes  a  most 
perilous  groaning ;  and  every  storm  is  sure  to  make  a  day's 
work  for  the  carpenter,  who  attends  upon  it  as  regularly  as  the 
family  physician.  This  predilection  for  every  thing  that  has 
been  long  in  the  family  shows  itself  in  every  particular.  The 
domestics  are  all  grown  gray  in  the  service  of  our  house.  We 
have  a  little,  old,  crusty,  grey-headed  negro,  who  has  lived 
through  two  or  three  generations  of  the  Cocklofts;  and,  of 
course,  has  become  a  personage  of  no  little  importance  in  the 
household.  He  calls  all  the  family  by  their  Christian  names ; 
tells  long  stories  about  how  he  dandled  them  on  his  knee  when 
they  were  children ;  and  is  a  complete  Cockloft  chronicle  for 
the  last  seventy  years.  The  family  carriage  was  made  in  the 
last  French  war,  and  the  old  horses  were  most  indubitably 
foaled  in  Noah's  ark ;  resembling  marvellously,  in  gravity  of 
demeanour,  those  sober  animals  which  may  be  seen  any  day 
of  the  year  in  the  streets  of  Philadelphia,  walking  their  snail's 
pace,  a  dozen  in  a  row,  and  harmoniously  jingling  their  bells. 
Whim-whams  are  the  inheritance  of  the  Cocklofts,  and  every 
member  of  the  household  is  a  humourist  sui  generis,  from  the 
master  down  to  the  footman.  The  very  cats  and  dogs  are  hu- 
mourists ;  and  we  have  a  little,  runty  scoundrel  of  a  cur,  who, 
whenever  the  church-bells  ring,  will  run  to  the  street-door, 
turn  up  his  nose  in  the  wind,  and  howl  most  piteously.  Jere- 
my insists  that  this  is  owing  to  a  peculiar  delicacy  in  the  or- 
ganization of  his  ears,  and  supports  his  position  by  many 
learned  arguments  which  nobody  can  understand ;  but  I  am  of 
opinion  that  it  is  a  mere  Cockloft  whim-wham,  which  the  little 
cur  indulges,  being  descended  from  a  race  of  dogs  which  has 
Nourished  hi  the  family  ever  since  the  time  of  my  grandfather. 
A  propensity  to  save  every  thing  that  bears  the  stamp  of  fam/ 


70  SALMAGUNDI. 

ily  antiquity,  has  accumulated  an  abundance  of  trumpery  and 
rubbish  with  which  the  house  is  encumbered  from  the  cellar  to 
the  garret;  and  every  room  and  closet,  and  corner  is  Crammed 
with  three-legged  chairs,  clocks  without  hands,  swords  without 
scabbards,  cocked  hats,  broken  candlesticks,  and  looking- 
glasses  with  frames  carved  into  fantastic  shapes  of  feathered 
sheep,  woolly  birds,  and  other  animals  that  have  no  name  save 
in  books  of  heraldry.  The  ponderous  mahogany  chairs  in  the 
parlour  are  of  such  unwieldy  proportions  that  it  is  quite  a  seri- 
ous undertaking  to  gallant  one  of  them  across  the  room;  and 
sometimes  make  a  most  equivocal  noise  when  you  set  down  in 
a  hurry;  the  mantel-piece  is  decorated  with  little  lacquered 
earthern  shepherdesses ;  some  of  which  are  without  toes,  and 
others  without  noses ;  and  the  fire-place  is  garnished  out  with 
Dutch  tiles,  exhibiting  a  great  variety  of  scripture  pieces,  which 
my  good  old  soul  of  a  cousin  takes  infinite  delight  in  explain- 
ing.— Poor  Jeremy  hates  them  as  he  does  poison;  for  while  a 
yonker,  he  was  obliged  by  his  mother  to  learn  the  history  of  a 
tile  every  Sunday  morning  before  she  would  permit  him  to 
join  his  playmates ;  this  was  a  terrible  affair  for  Jeremy,  who, 
by  the  tune  he  had  learned  the  last  had  forgotten  the  first,  and 
was  obliged  to  begin  again.  He  assured  me  the  other  day,  with 
a  round  college  oath,  that  if  the  old  house  stood  out  till  he  in- 
herited it,  he  would  have  these  tiles  taken  out  and  ground  into 
powder,  for  the  perfect  hatred  he  bore  them. 

My  cousin  Christopher  enjoys  unlimited  authority  in  the 
mansion  of  his  forefathers ;  he  is  truly  what  may  be  termed 
a  hearty  old  blade,  has  a  florid,  sunshine  countenance ;  and  if 
you  will  only  praise  his  wine,  and  laugh  at  his  long  stories, 
himself  and  his  house  are  heartily  at  your  service.— The  first 
condition  is  indeed  easily  complied  with,  for,  to  tell  the  truth, 
his  wine  is  excellent ;  but  his  stories,  being  not  of  the  best,  and 
often  repeated,  are  apt  to  create  a  disposition  to  yawn;  being^ 
in  addition  to  their  other  qualities,  most  unreasonably  long. 
His  prolixity  is  the  more  afflicting  to  me,  since  I  have  all  his 
stories  by  heart ;  and  when  he  enters  upon  one,  it  reminds  me 
of  Newark  causeway,  where  the  traveller  sees  the  end  at  the 
distance  of  several  miles.  To  the  great  misfortune  of  all  his 
acquaintance,  cousin  Cockloft  is  blest  with  a  most  provoking- 
ly  retentive  memory ;  and  can  give  day  and  date,  and  name 
and  age  and  circumstance,  with  the  most  unfeeling  preci- 
sion. These,  however,  are  but  trivial  foibles,  forgotten,  or 
remembered,  only  with  a  kind  of  tender,  respectful  pity,  by 


SALMAGUNDI.  71 

those  who  know  with  what  a  rich  redundant  harvest  of  kind- 
ness and  generosity  his  heart  is  stored.  It  would  delight  you 
to  see  with  what  social  gladness  he  welcomes  a  visitor  into  his 
house;  and  the  poorest  man  that  enters  his  door  never  leaves 
it  without  a  cordial  invitation  to  sit  down  and  drink  a  glass  of 
wine.  By  the  honest  farmers  round  his  country-seat,  he  is 
looked  up  to  with  love  and  reverence ;  they  never  pass  him  by 
without  his  inquiring  after  the  welfare  of  their  families,  and 
receiving  a  cordial  shake  of  his  liberal  hand.  There  are  but 
two  classes  of  people  who  are  thrown  out  of  the  reach  of  his 
hospitality,  and  these  are  Frenchmen  and  democrats.  The  old 
gentleman  considers  it  treason  against  the  majesty  of  good 
breeding  to  speak  to  any  visitor  with  his  hat  on ;  but,  the  mo- 
ment a  democrat  enters  his  door,  he  forthwith  bids  his  man 
Pompey  bring  his  hat,  puts  it  on  his  head,  and  salutes  him 
with  an  appalling  "well,  sir,  what  do  you  want  with  me?" 

He  has  a  profound  contempt  for  Frenchmen,  and  firmly  be- 
lieves, that  they  eat  nothing  but  frogs  and  soup-maigre  in 
their  own  country.  This  unluckly  prejudice  is  partly  owing 
to  my  great  aunt,  PAMELA,  having  been  many  years  ago,  run 
away  with  by  a  French  Count,  who  turned  out  to  be  the  son 
of  a  generation  of  barbers ; — and  partly  to  a  little  vivid  spark 
of  toryism,  which  burns  in  a  secret  corner  of  his  heart.  He 
was  a  loyal  subject  of  the  crown,  has  hardly  yet  recovered  the 
shock  of  independence ;  and,  though  he  does  not  care  to  own 
it,  always  does  honour  to  his  majesty's  birth-day,  by  inviting 
a  few  cavaliers,  like  himself,  to  dinner ;  and  gracing  his  table 
with  more  than  ordinary  festivity.  If  by  chance  the  revolu- 
tion is  mentioned  before  him,  my  cousin  shakes  his  head;  and 
you  may  see,  if  you  take  good  note,  a  lurking  smile  of  con- 
tempt in  the  corner  of  his  eye,  which  marks  a  decided  disap- 
probation of  the  sound.  He  once,  in  the  fulness  of  his  heart, 
observed  to  me  that  green  peas  were  a  month  later  than  they 
were  under  the  old  government.  But  the  most  eccentric  mani- 
festation of  loyalty  he  ever  gave,  was  making  a  voyage  to  Hali- 
fax for  no  other  reason  under  heaven  but  to  hear  his  Majesty 
prayed  for  in  church,  as  he  used  to  be  here  formerly.  This  he 
never  could  be  brought  fairly  to  acknowledge;  but  it  is  a  cer- 
tain fact,  I  assure  you.  It  is  not  a  little  singular  that  a  per- 
son, so  much  given  to  long  story-telling  as  my  cousin,  should 
take  a  liking  to  another  of  the  same  character;  but  so  it  is 
with  the  old  gentleman : — his  prime  favourite  and  companion 
is  Will  Wizard,  who  is  almost  a  member  of  the  family;  and 


72  SALMAGUNDI. 

will  sit  before  the  fire,  with  his  feet  on  the  massy  andirons, 
and  smoke  his  segar,  and  screw  his  phiz,  and  spin  away  tre- 
mendous long  stories  of  his  travels,  for  a  whole  evening,  to  the 
great  delight  of  the  old  gentleman  and  lady ;  and  especially  of 
the  young  ladies,  who,  like  Desdemona,  do  "  seriously  incline," 
and  listen  to  him  with  innumerable  "O  dears,"  "is  it  possi- 
bles," "goody  graciouses,"  and  look  upon  him  as  a  second  Sin- 
bad  the  sailor. 

The  Miss  Cocklofts,  whose  pardon  I  crave  for  not  having 
particularly  introduced  them  before,  are  a  pair  of  delectable 
damsels ;  who,  having  purloined  and  locked  up  the  family-Bible, 
pass  for  just  what  age  they  please  to  plead  guilty  to.  BAR- 
BARA, the  eldest,  has  long  since  resigned  the  character  of  a 
belle,  and  adopted  that  staid,  sober,  demure,  snuff -taking  air  be- 
coming her  years  and  discretion.  She  is  a  good-natured  soul, 
whom  I  never  saw  in  a  passion  but  once ;  and  that  was  occa- 
sioned by  seeing  an  old  favorite  beau  of  hers,  kiss  the  hand 
of  a  pretty  blooming  girl ;  and,  in  truth,  she  only  got  angry 
because,  as  she  very  properly  said,  it  was  spoiling  the  child. 
Her  sister  MARGERY,  or  MAGGIE,  as  she  is  familiarly  termed, 
seemed  disposed  to  maintain  her  post  as  a  belle,  until  a  few 
months  since;  when  accidently  hearing  a  gentleman  observe 
that  she  broke  very  fast,  she  suddenly  left  off  going  to  the  as- 
sembly, took  a  cat  into  high  favour,  and  began  to  rail  at  the 
forward  pertness  of  young  misses.  From  that  moment  I  set 
her  down  for  an  old  maid;  and  so  she  is,  "by  the  hand  of  my 
body."  The  young  ladies  are  still  visited  by  some  half  dozen 
of  veteran  beaux,  who  grew  and  nourished  in  the  haut  ton, 
when  the  Miss  Cocklofts  were  quite  children;  but  have  been 
brushed  rather  rudely  by  the  hand  of  time,  who,  to  say  the 
truth,  can  do  almost  any  thing  but  make  people  young.  They 
are,  notwithstanding,  still  warm  candidates  for  female  favour; 
look  venerably  tender,  and  repeat  over  and  over  the  same 
honeyed  speeches  and  sugared  sentiments  to  the  little  belles 
that  they  poured  so  profusely  into  the  ears  of  their  mothers. 
I  beg  leave  here  to  give  notice,  that  by  this  sketch,  I  mean  no 
reflection  on  old  bachelors;  on  the  contrary,  I  hold  that 
next  to  a  fine  lady,  the  ne  plus  ultra,  an  old  bachelor  to  be  the 
most  charming  being  upon  earth;  in  as  much  as  by  living  in 
"single  blessedness,"  he  of  course  does  just  as  he  pleases;  and 
if  he  has  any  genius,  must  acquire  a  plentiful  stock  of  whims, 
and  oddities,  and  whalebone  habits ;  without  which  I  esteem  a 
man  to  be  mere  beef  without  mustard ;  good  for  nothing  at  all, 


SALMAGUNDI.  73 

but  to  run  on  errands  for  ladies,  take  boxes  at  the  theatre,  and 
act  the  part  of  a  screen  at  tea-parties,  or  a  walking-stick  in 
the  streets.  I  merely  speak  of  these  old  boys  who  infest  pub- 
lic walks,  pounce  upon  ladies  from  every  corner  of  the  street, 
and  worry  and  frisk  and  amble,  and  caper  before,  behind,  and 
round  about  the  fashionable  belles,  like  old  ponies  in  a  pasture, 
striving  to  supply  the  absence  of  youthful  whim  and  hilarity, 
by  grimaces  and  grins,  and  artificial  vivacity.  I  have  some- 
times seen  one  of  these  ' '  reverend  youths"  endeavoring  to  ele- 
vate his  wintry  passions  into  something  like  love,  by  basking 
in  the  sunshine  of  beauty;  and  it  did  remind  me  of  an  old 
moth  attempting  to  fly  through  a  pane  of  glass  towards  a 
light,  without  ever  approaching  near  enough  to  warm  itself, 
or  scorch  its  wings. 

Never,  I  firmly  believe,  did  there  exist  a  family  that  went 
more  by  tangents  than  the  Cocklofts.  Every  thing  is  gov- 
erned by  whim ;  and  if  one  member  starts  a  new  freak,  away 
all  the  rest  follow  on  like  wild  geese  in  a  string.  As  the 
family,  the  servants,  the  horses,  cats,  and  dogs,  have  all  grown 
old  together,  they  have  accommodated  themselves  to  each 
other's  habits  completely ;  and  though  every  body  of  them  is 
full  of  odd  points,  angles,  rhomboids,  and  ins  and  outs,  yet, 
some  how  or  other,  they  harmonize  together  like  so  many 
straight  lines ;  and  it  is  truly  a  grateful  and  refreshing  sight 
to  see  them  agree  so  well.  Should  one,  however,  get  out  of 
tune,  it  is  like  a  cracked  fiddle :  the  whole  concert  is  ajar ;  you 
perceive  a  cloud  over  every  brow  in  the  house,  and  even  the 
old  chairs  seem  to  creak  affetuosso.  If  my  cousin,  as  he  is 
rather  apt  to  do,  betray  any  symptorbs  of  vexation  or  uneasi- 
ness, no  matter  about  what,  he  is  worried  to  death  with  in- 
quiries, which  answer  no  other  end  but  to  demonstrate  the 
good-will  of  the  inquirer,  and  put  him  in  a  passion :  for  every 
body  knows  how  provoking  it  is  to  be  cut  short  in  a  fit  of  the 
blues,  by  an  impertinent  question  about  "what  is  the  matter?" 
when  a  man  can't  tell  himself.  I  remember  a  few  months  ago 
the  old  gentleman  came  home  in  quite  a  squall ;  kicked  poor 
Caesar,  the  mastiff,  out  of  his  way,  as  he  came  through  the 
hall ;  threw  his  hat  on  the  table  with  most  violent  emphasis, 
and  pulling  out  his  box,  took  three  huge  pinches  of  snuff,  and 
threw  a  fourth  into  the  cat's  eyes  as  he  sat  purring  his  aston- 
ishment by  the  fire-side.  This  was  enough  to  set  the  body 
politic  going;  Mrs.  Cockloft  began  "my  dealing"  it  as  fast 
as  tongue  could  move;  the  young  ladies  took  each  a  stand 


74  SALMAGUNDI. 

at  an  elbow  of  his  chair ;-^Jeremy  marshalled  in  rear;— the 
servants  came  tumbling  in ;  the  mastiff  put  up  an  inquiring 
nose ; — and  even  grimalkin,  after  he  had  cleaned  his  whiskers 
and  finished  sneezing,  discovered  indubitable  signs  of  sym- 
pathy. After  the  most  affectionate  inquiries  on  all  sides,  it 
turned  out  that  my  cousin,  in  crossing  the  street,  had  got  his 
silk  stockings  bespattered  with  mud  by  a  coach,  which  it  seems 
belonged  to  a  dashing  gentleman  who  had  formerly  supplied 
the  family  with  hot  rolls  and  muffins !  Mrs.  Cockloft  there- 
upon turned  up  her  eyes,  and  the  young  ladies  their  noses; 
and  it  would  have  edified  a  whole  congregation  to  hear  the 
conversation  which  took  place  concerning  the  insolence  of  up- 
starts, and  the  vulgarity  of  would-be  gentlemen  and  ladies, 
who  strive  to  emerge  from  low  life  by  dashing  about  in  car- 
riages to  pay  a  visit  two  doors  of;  giving  parties  to  people  who 
laugh  at  them,  and  cutting  all  their  old  friends. 


THEATRICS. 

BY  WILLIAM  WIZARD,    ESQ. 

I  WENT  a  few  evenings  since  to  the  theatre  accompanied  by 
my  friend  Snivers,  the  cockney,  who  is  a  man  deeply  read  in 
the  history  of  Cinderella,  Valentine  and  Orson,  Blue  Beard, 
and  all  those  recondite  works  so  necessary  to  enable  a  man  to 
understand  the  modern  drama.  Snivers  is  one  of  those  in- 
tolerable fellows  who  will  never  be  pleased  with  any  thing 
until  he  has  turned  and  twisted  it  divers  ways,  to  see  if  it  cor- 
responds with  his  notions  of  congruity ;  and  as  he  is  none  of 
the  quickest  in  his  ratiocinations,  he  will  sometimes  come  out 
with  his  approbation,  when  every  body  else  has  forgotten  the 
cause  which  excited  it.  Snivers  is,  moreover,  a  great  critic, 
for  he  finds  fault  with  every  thing;  this  being  what  I  under- 
stand by  modern  criticism.  He,  however,  is  pleased  to  ac- 
knowledge that  our  theatre  is  not  so  despicable,  all  things  con- 
sidered ;  and  really  thinks  Cooper  one  of  our  best  actors.  The 
play  was  OTHELLO,  and  to  speak  my  mind  freely,  I  think  I 
have  seen  it  performed  much  worse  in  my  time.  The  actors,  I 
firmly  believe,  did  their  best ;  and  whenever  this  is  the  case 
no  man  has  a  right  to  find  fault  with  them,  in  my  opinion. 


SALMAGUNDI.  75 

Little  RUTHERFORD,  the  Roscius  of  the  Philadelphia  theatre, 
looked  as  big  as  possible ;  and  what  he  wanted  in  size  he  made 
up  in  frowning.  I  like  frowning  in  tragedy ;  and  if  a  man  but 
keeps  his  forehead  in  proper  wrinkle,  talks  big,  and  takes  long 
strides  on  the  stage,  I  always  set  him  down  as  a  great  trage- 
dian ;  and  so  does  my  friend  Snivers. 

Before  the  first  act  was  over,  Snivers  began  to  flourish  his 
critical  wooden  sword  like  a  harlequin.  He  first  found  fault 
with  Cooper  for  not  having  made  himself  as  black  as  a  negro ; 
"for,"  said  he,  "that  Othello  was  an  arrant  black,  appears 
from  several  expressions  of  the  play ;  as,  for  instance,  '  thick 
lips,'  '  sooty  bosom,'  and  a  variety  of  others.  I  am  inclined  to 
think,"  continued  he,  "that  Othello  was  an  Egyptian  by  birth, 
from  the  circumstance  of  the  handkerchief  given  to  his  mother 
by  a  native  of  that  country ;  and,  if  so,  he  certainly  was  as 
black  as  my  hat :  for  Herodotus  has  told  us,  that  the  Egyptians 
had  flat  noses  and  frizzled  hair;  a  clear  proof  that  they  were 
all  negroes."  He  did  not  confine  his  strictures  to  this  single 
error  of  the  actor,  but  went  on  to  run  him  down  in  toto.  In 
this  he  was  seconded  by  a  red  hot  Philadelphian,  who  proved, 
by  a  string  of  most  eloquent  logical  puns,  that  Fennel  was  un- 
questionably in  every  respect  a  better  actor  than  Cooper.  I 
knew  it  was  vain  to  contend  with  them,  since  I  recollected  a 
most  obstinate  trial  of  skill  these  two  great  Roscii  had  last 
spring  in  Philadelphia.  Cooper  brandished  his  blood-stained 
dagger  at  Jie  theatre— Fennel  flourished  his  snuff-box  and 
shook  his  wig  at  the  Lyceum,  and  the  unfortunate  Philadel- 
phians  were  a  long  time  at  a  loss  to  decide  which  deserved  the 
paLn.  The  literati  were  inclined  to  give  it  to  Cooper,  because 
his  name  was  the  most  fruitful  in  puns,  but  then,  on  the  other 
side,  it  ^as  contended  that  Fennel  was  the  best  Greek  scholar. 
Scarcely  was  the  town  of  Strasburgh  in  a  greater  hub-bub 
about  the  courteous  stranger's  nose ;  and  it  was  well  that  the 
doctors  of  the  university  did  not  get  into  the  dispute,  else  it 
might  have  become  a  battle  of  folios.  At  length,  after  much 
excellent  argument  had  been  expended  on  both  sides,  recourse 
was  had  to  Cocker's  arithmetic  and  a  carpenter's  rule;  the 
rival  candidates  were  both  measured  by  one  of  their  most 
steady -handed  critics,  and  by  the  most  exact  measurement  it 
was  proved  that  Mr.  Fennel  was  the  greater  actor  by  three 
inches  and  a  quarter.  Since  this  demonstration  of  his  inferior- 
ity, Cooper  has  never  been  able  to  hold  up  his  head  in  Phila- 
delphia. 


76  SALMAGUNDI. 

In  order  to  change  a  conversation  in  which  my  favourite 
suffered  so  much,  I  made  some  inquiries  of  the  Philadelpm'an, 
concerning  the  two  heroes  of  his  theatre,  WOOD  and  CAIN;  but 
I  had  scarcely  mentioned  their  names,  when,  whack !  he  threw 
a  whole  handful  of  puns  in  my  face ;  'twas  like  a  bowl  of  cold 
water.  I  turned  on  my  heel,  had  recourse  to  my  tobacco-box, 
and  said  no  more  about  Wood  and  Cain ;  nor  will  I  ever  more, 
if  I  can  help  it,  mention  their  names  in  the  presence  of  a  Phila- 
delphian.  Would  that  they  could  leave  off  punning !  for  I  love 
every  soul  of  them,  with  a  cordial  affection,  warm  as  their 
own  generous  hearts,  and  boundless  as  their  hospitality. 

During  the  performance,  I  kept  an  eye  on  the  countenance 
of  my  friend,  the  cockney ;  because  having  come  all  the  way 
from  England,  and  having  seen  Kemble  once,  on  a  visit  which 
he  made  from  the  button  manufactory  to  Lunnun,  I  thought 
his  phiz  might  serve  as  a  kind  of  thermometer  to  direct  my 
manifestations  of  applause  or  disapprobation.  I  might  as  well 
have  looked  at  the  back -side  of  his  head ;  for  I  could  not,  with 
all  my  peering,  perceive  by  his  features  that  he  was  pleased 
with  any  thing— except  himself.  His  hat  was  twitched  a  little 
on  one  side,  as  much  as  to  say,  "  demme,  I'm  your  sorts!"  He 
was  sucking  the  end  of  a  little  stick ;  he  was  a  ' '  gemman"  from 
head  to  foot ;  but  as  to  his  face,  there  was  no  more  expression 
in  it  than  in  the  face  of  a  Chinese  lady  on  a  teacup.  On 
Cooper's  giving  one  of  his  gunpowder  explosions  of  passion,  I 
exclaimed,  "fine,  very  fine!"  "Pardon  me,"  said  my  friend 
Snivers,  "this  is  damnable !— the  gesture,  my  dear  sir,  only 
look  at  the  gesture !  how  horrible !  do  you  not  observe  that  the 
actor  slaps  his  forehead,  whereas,  the  passion  not  having  ar- 
rived at  the  proper  height,  he  should  only  have  slapped  his — 
pocket-flap? — this  figure  of  rhetoric  is  a  most  important  stage 
trick,  and  the  proper  management  of  it  is  what  peculiarly  dis- 
tinguishes the  great  actor  from  the  mere  plodding  mechanical 
buffoon.  Different  degrees  of  passion  require  different  slaps, 
which  we  critics  have  reduced  to  a  perfect  manual,  improving 
upon  the  principle  adopted  by  Frederic  of  Prussia,  by  deciding 
that  an  actor,  like  a  soldier,  is  a  mere  machine ;  as  thus — the 
actor,  for  a  minor  burst  of  passion  merely  slaps  his  pocket-hole ; 
good !— f or  a  major  burst,  he  slaps  his  breast ; — very  good ! — 
but  for  a  burst  maximus,  he  whacks  away  at  his  forehead,  like 
a  brave  fellow ; — this  is  excellent !— nothing  can  be  finer  than  an 
exit  slapping  the  forehead  f  rona  one  end  of  the  stage  to  the 
other."  "  Except,"  replied  I,  "  one  of  those  slaps  on  the  breast, 


.    SALMAGUNDI.  77 

which  I  have  sometimes  admired  in  some  of  our  fat  heroes  and 
heroines,  which  make  their  whole  body  shake  and  quiver  like 
a  pyramid  of  jelly." 

The  Philadelphian  had  listened  to  this  conversation  with  pro- 
found attention,  and  appeared  delighted  with  Snivers'  mechan- 
ical strictures ;  'twas  natural  enough  in  a  man  who  chose  an 
actor  as  he  would  a  grenadier.  He  took  the  opportunity  of  a 
pause,  to  enter  into  a  long  conversation  with  my  friend;  and 
was  receiving  a  prodigious  fund  of  information  concerning  the 
true  mode  of  emphasising  conjunctions,  shifting  scenes,  snuff- 
ing candles,  and  making  thunder  and  lightning,  better  than  you 
can  get  every  day  from  the  sky,  as  practised  at  the  royal  thea- 
tres ;  when,  as  ill  luck  would  have  it,  they  happened  to  run 
their  heads  full  butt  against  a  new  reading.  Now  this  was  "a 
stumper,"  as  our  friend  Paddle  would  say;  for  the  Philadel- 
phians  are  as  inveterate  new-reading  hunters  as  the  cockneys ; 
and,  for  aught  I  know,  as  well  skilled  in  finding  them  out.  The 
Philadelphian  thereupon  met  the  cockney  on  his  own  ground  ; 
and  at  it  they  went,  like  two  inveterate  curs  at  a  bone.  Snivere 
quoted  Theobald,  Hanmer,  and  a  host  of  learned  commenta- 
tors, who  have  pinned  themselves  on  the  sleeve  of  Shakspeare's 
immortality,  and  made  the  old  bard,  like  General  Washington, 
in  General  Washington's  life,  a  most  diminutive  figure  in  his 
own  book ; — his  opponent  chose  Johnson  for  his  bottle-holder, 
and  thundered  him  forward  like  an  elephant  to  bear  down  the 
ranks  of  the  enemy.  I  was  not  long  in  discovering  that  these  two 
precious  judges  had  got  hold  of  that  unlucky  passage  of  Shaks- 
peare  which,  like  a  straw,  has  tickled,  and  puzzled,  and  con- 
founded many  a  somniferous  buzzard  of  past  and  present  time. 
It  was  the  celebrated  wish  of  Desdemona,  that  heaven  had 
made  her  such  a  man  as  Othello.— Snivers  insisted,  that  "  the 
gentle  Desdemona"  merely  wished  for  such  a  man  for  a  hus- 
band, which  in  all  conscience  was  a  modest  wish  enough,  and 
very  natural  in  a  young  lady  who  might  possibly  have  had  a 
predilection  for  flat  noses;  like  a  certain  philosophical  great 
man  of  our  day.  The  Philadelphian  contended  with  all  the  ve- 
hemence of  a  member  of  congress,  moving  the  house  to  have 
"whereas,"  or  "  also,"  or  "nevertheless,"  struck  out  of  a  bill, 
that  the  young  lady  wished  heaven  had  made  her  a  man  in- 
stead of  a  woman,  in  order  that  she  might  have  an  opportunity 
of  seeing  the  "anthropophagi,  and  the  men  whose  heads  do 
grow  beneath  their  shoulders;"  which  was  a  very  natural 
wish,  considering  the  curipsi&r  of  the  sex.  On  being  referred 


78  SALMAGUNDI. 

to,  I  incontinently  decided  in  favour  of  the  honourable  member 
who  spoke  last ;  inasmuch  as  I  think  it  was  a  very  foolish,  and 
therefore  very  natural,  wish  for  a  young  lady  to  make  before 
a  man  she  wished  to  marry.  It  was,  moreover,  an  indication 
of  the  violent  inclination  she  felt  to  wear  the  breeches,  which 
was  afterwards,  in  all  probability,  gratified,  if  we  may  judge 
from  the  title  of  "our  captain's  captain,"  given  her  by  Cassio, 
a  phrase  which,  in  my  opinion,  indicates  that  Othello  was,  at 
that  time,  most  ignominiously  hen-pecked.  I  believe  my  argu- 
ment staggered  Snivers  himself,  for  he  looked  confoundedly 
queer,  and  said  not  another  word  on  the  subject. 

A  little  while  after,  at  it  he  went  again  on  another  tack ; 
and  began  to  find  fault  with  Cooper's  manner  of  dying:—"  it 
was  not  natural,"  he  said,  for  it  had  lately  been  demonstrated, 
by  a  learned  doctor  of  physic,  that  when  a  man  is  mortally 
stabbed,  he  ought  to  take  a  flying  leap  of  at  least  five  feet,  and 
drop  down  "dead  as  a  salmon  in  a  fishmonger's  basket." — 
Whenever  a  man,  in  the  predicament  above  mentioned,  de- 
parted from  this  fundamental  rule,  by  falling  flat  down,  like  a 
log,  and  rolling  about  for  two  or  three  minutes,  making 
speeches  all  the  time,  the  said  learned  doctor  maintained  that 
it  was  owing  to  the  waywardness  of  the  human  mind,  which 
delighted  in  flying  in  the  face  of  nature,  and  dying  in  defiance 
of  all  her  established  rules.— I  replied,  "for  my  part,  I  held 
that  every  man  had  a  right  of  dying  in  whatever  position  he 
pleased ;  and  that  the  mode  of  doing  it  depended  altogether  on 
the  peculiar  character  of  the  person  going  to  die.  A  Persian 
could  not  die  in  peace  unless  he  had  his  face  turned  to  the  east ; 
—a  Mahometan  would  always  choose  to  have  his  towards 
Mecca;  a  Frenchman  might  prefer  this  mode  of  throwing  a 
somerset;  but  Mynheer  Van  Brumblebottom,  the  Eoscius  of 
Rotterdam,  always  chose  to  thunder  down  on  his  seat  of 
honour  whenever  he  received  a  mortal  wound. — Being  a  man 
of  ponderous  dimensions,  this  had  a  most  electrifying  effect, 
for  tho  whole  theatre  "shook  like  Olympus  at  the  nod  of 
Jove."  The  Philadelphian  was  immediately  inspired  with  a 
pun,  and  swore  that  Mynheer  must  be  great  in  a  dying  scene, 
since  he  knew  how  to  make  the  most  of  his  latter  end. 

It  is  the  inveterate  cry  of  stage  critics,  that  an  actor  does 
not  perform  the  character  naturally,  if,  by  chance,  he  happens 
not  to  die  exactly  as  they  would  have  him.  I  think  the  exhi- 
bition of  a  play  at  Pekin  would  suit  them  exactly ;  and  I  wish, 
with  all  my  heart,  they  wouldjjo  there  and  see  one:  nature  is 


SALMAGUNDI.  79 

there  imitated  with  the  most  scrupulous  exactness  in  every  tri- 
fling particular.  Here  an  unhappy  lady  or  gentleman,  who 
happens  unluckily  to  be  poisoned  or  stabbed,  is  left  on  the 
stage  to  writhe  and  groan,  and  make  faces  at  the  audience, 
until  the  poet  pleases  they  should  die ;  while  the  honest  folks 
of  the  dramatis  personce,  bless  their  hearts !  all  crowd  round 
and  yield  most  potent  assistance,  by  crying  and  lamenting 
most  vociferously!  the  audience,  tender  souls,  pull  out  their 
white  pocket  handkerchiefs,  wipe  their  eyes,  blow  their  noses, 
and  swear  it  is  natural  as  life,  while  the  poor  actor  is  left  to 
die  without  common  Christian  comfort.  In  China,  on  the  con- 
trary, the  first  thing  they  do  is  to  run  for  the  doctor  and 
tchoouc,  or  notary.  The  audience  are  entertained  throughout 
the  fifth  act  with  a  learned  consultation  of  physicians,  and  if 
the  patient  must  die,  he  does  it  secundum  artem,  and  always  is 
allowed  time  to  make  his  will.  The  celebrated  Chow-Chow 
was  the  completest  hand  I  ever  saw  at  killing  himself;  he  al- 
ways carried  under  his  robe  a  bladder  of  bull's  blood,  which, 
when  he  gave  the  mortal  stab,  spirted  out,  to  the  infinite  de- 
light of  the  audience.  Not  that  the  ladies  of  China  are  more 
fond  of  the  sight  of  blood  than  those  of  our  own  country ;  on 
the  contrary,  they  are  remarkably  sensitive  in  this  particular; 
and  we  are  told  by  the  great  Linkum  Fidelius,  that  the  beauti- 
ful Ninny  Consequa,  one  of  the  ladies  of  the  emperor's  serag- 
lio, once  fainted  away  on  seeing  a  favourite  slave's  nose  bleed ; 
since  which  time  refinement  has  been  carried  to  such  a  pitch, 
that  a  buskined  hero  is  not  allowed  to  run  himself  through  the 
body  in  the  face  of  the  audience.— The  immortal  Chow-Chow, 
in  conformity  to  this  absurd  prejudice,  whenever  he  plays  the 
part  of  Othello,  which  is  reckoned  his  master-piece,  always 
keeps  a  bold  front,  stabs  himself  slily  behind,  and  is  dead 
before  any  body  suspects  that  he  has  given  the  mortal  blow. 

P.S.  Just  as  this  was  going  to  press,  I  was  informed  by 
Evergreen  that  Othello  had  not  been  performed  here  the  Lord 
knows  when;  no  matter,  I  am  not  the  first  that  has  criticised 
a  play  without  seeing  it,  and  this  critique  will  answer  for  the 
last  performance,  if  that  was  a  dozen  years  ago. 


80  SALMAGUNDI. 


NO.  VII.-SATURDAY,  APRIL  4,  1807. 


LETTER  FROM  MUSTAPHA  RUB-A-DUB  KELI  KAHN, 

TO  ASKM  HACCHEM,   PRINCIPAL    SLAVE-DRIVER    TO    HIS   HIGHNESS 
THE  BASHAW  OF  TRIPOLI. 

I  PROMISED  in  a  former  letter,  good  Asem,  that  I  would  fur- 
nish thee  with  a  few  hints  respecting  the  nature  of  the  govern- 
ment by  which  I  am  held  in  durance. — Though  my  inquiries 
for  that  purpose  have  been  industrious,  yet  I  am  not  perfectly 
satisfied  with  their  results;  for  thou  mayest  easily  imagine 
that  the  vision  of  a  captive  is  overshadowed  by  the  mists  of 
illusion  and  prejudice,  and  the  horizon  of  his  speculations  must 
be  limited  indeed.  I  find  that  the  people  of  this  country  are 
strangely  at  a  loss  to  determine  the  nature  and  proper  char- 
acter of  their  government.  Even  their  dervises  are  extremely 
in  the  dark  as  to  this  particular,  and  are  continually  indulging 
in  the  most  preposterous  disquisitions  on  the  subject:  some 
have  insisted  that  it  savours  of  an  aristocracy ;  others  main- 
tain that  it  is  a  pure  democracy ;  and  a  third  set  of  theorists 
declare  absolutely  that  it  is  nothing  more  nor  less  than  a 
mobocracy.  The  latter,  I  must  confess,  though  still  wide  in 
error,  have  come  nearest  to  the  truth.  You  of  course  must 
understand  the  meaning  of  these  different  words,  as  they 
are  derived  from  the  ancient  Greek  language,  and  bespeak 
loudly  the  verbal  poverty  of  these  poor  infidels,  who  cannot 
utter  a  learned  phrase  without  laying  the  dead  languages 
under  contribution.  A  man,  my  dear  Asem,  who  talks  good 
sense  in  his  native  tongue,  is  held  in  tolerable  estimation  in  this 
country ;  but  a  fool  who  clothes  his  feeble  ideas  in  a  foreign  or 
antique  garb,  is  bowed  down  to  as  a  literary  prodigy.  While 
I  conversed  with  these  people  in  plain  English,  I  was  but  little 
attended  to ;  but  the  moment  I  prosed  away  in  Greek,  every 
one  looked  up  to  me  with  veneration  as  an  oracle. 


SALMAGUNDI.'  81 

Although  the  dervises  differ  widely  in  the  particular's  above 
mentioned,  yet  they  all  agree  in  terming  their  government  one 
of  the  most  pacific  in  the  known  world.  I  cannot  help  pitying 
their  ignorance,  and  smiling,  at  times,  to  see  into  what  ridicu- 
lous errors  those  nations  will  wander  who  are  unenlightened 
by  the  precepts  of  Mahomet,  our  divine  prophet,  and  unin- 
structed  by  the  five  hundred  and  forty -nine  books  of  wisdom 
of  the  immortal  Ibrahim  Hassan  al  Fusti.  To  call  this  nation 
pacific !  most  preposterous !  it  reminds  me  of  the  title  assumed 
by  the  sheik  of  that  murderous  tribe  of  wild  Arabs,  that  deso- 
late the  valleys  of  Belsaden,  who  styles  himself  STAR  OF  COUR- 
TESY—BEAM OF  THE  MERCY-SEAT! 

The  simple  truth  of  the  matter  is,  that  these  people  are 
totally  ignorant  of  their  own  time  character;  for,  according  to 
the  best  of  my  observation,  they  are  the  most  warlike,  and,  I 
must  say,  the  most  savage  nation  that  I  have  as  yet  discovered 
among  all  the  barbarians.  They  are  not  only  at  war,  in  their 
own  way,  with  almost  every  nation  on  earth,  but  they  are  at 
the  same  time  engaged  in  the  most  complicated  knot  of  civil 
wars  that  ever  infested  any  poor  unhappy  country  on  which 
ALLAH  has  denounced  his  malediction ! 

To  let  thee  at  once  into  a  secret,  which  is  unknown  to  these 
people  themselves,  their  government  is  a  pure  unadulterated 
LOGOCRACY,  or  government  of  words.  The  whole  nation  does 
every  thing  viva  voce,  or  by  word  of  mouth;  and  in  this 
manner  is  one  of  the  most  military  nations  in  existence.  Every 
man  who  has  what  is  here  called  the  gift  of  the  gab,  that  is,  a 
plentiful  stock  of  verbosity,  becomes  a  soldier  outright ;  and  is 
forever  in  a  militant  state.  The  country  is  entirely  defended 
vi  et  lingua;  that  is  to  say,  by  force  of  tongues.  The  account 
which  I  lately  wrote  to  our  friend,  the  snorer,  respecting  the 
'immense  army  of  six  hundred  men,  makes  nothing  against 
this  observation;  that  formidable  body  being  kept  up,  as  I 
have  already  observed,  only  to  amuse  their  fair  country- 
women by  their  splendid  appearance  and  nodding  plumes ;  and 
are  by  way  of  distinction,  denominated  the  "defenders  of  the 
fair." 

In  a  logocracy  thou  well  knowest  there  is  little  or  no  occasion 
for  fire-arms,  or  any  such  destructive  weapons.  Every  offen- 
sive or  defensive  measure  is  enforced  by  wordy  battle,  and 
paper  war;  he  who  has  the  longest  tongue  or  readiest  quill,  is 
sure  to  gain  the  victory, — will  carry  horror,  abuse,  and  ink- 
shed  into  the  very  trenches  of  the  enemy ;  and,  without  mercy 


83  SALMAGUNDI. 

or  remorse,  put  men,  women,  and  children  to  tne  point  of  the— 
pen! 

There  is  still  preserved  in  this  country  some  remains  of  that 
gothic  spirit  of  knight-errantry,  which  so  much  annoyed  the 
faithful  in  the  middle  ages  of  the  hegira.  As,  notwithstanding 
their  martial  disposition,  they  are  a  people  much  given  to 
commerce  and  agriculture,  and  must,  necessarily,  at  certain 
seasons  be  engaged  in  these  employments,  they  have  accommo- 
dated themselves  by  appointing  knights,  or  constant  warriors, 
incessant  brawlers,  similar  to  those  who,  in  former  ages,  swore 
eternal  enmity  to  the  followers  of  our  divine  prophet.— These 
knights,  denominated  editors  or  SLANG-WHANGERS,  are  ap- 
pointed in  every  town,  village,  and  district,  to  carry  on  both 
foreign  and  internal  warfare,  and  may  be  said  to  keep  up  a 
constant  firing  "in  words."  Oh,  my  friend,  could  you  but 
witness  the  enormities  sometimes  committed  by  these  tremen- 
dous slang- whangers,  your  very  turban  would  rise  with  horror 
and  astonishment.  I  have  seen  them  extend  their  ravages  even 
into  the  kitchens  of  their  opponents,  and  annihilate  the  very 
cook  with  a  blast ;  and  I  do  assure  thee,  I  beheld  one  of  these 
warriors  attack  a  most  venerable  bashaw,  and  at  one  stroke  of 
his  pen  lay  him  open  from  the  waistband  of  his  breeches  to  his 
chin! 

There  has  been  a  civil  war  carrying  on  with  great  violence 
for  some  time  past,  in  consequence  of  a  conspiracy  among  the 
higher  classes,  to  dethrone  his  highness  the  present  bashaw, 
and  place  another  in  his  stead.  I  was  mistaken  when  I  for- 
merly asserted  to  thee  that  this  dissatisfaction  arose  from  his 
wearing  red  breeches.  It  is  true  the  nation  have  long  held 
that  colour  in  great  detestation,  hi  consequence  of  a  dispute 
they  had  some  twenty  years  since  with  the  barbarians  of  the 
British  islands.  The  colour,  however,  is  again  rising  into 
favour,  as  the  ladies  have  transferred  it  to  their  heads  from  the 

bashaw's body.  The  true  reason,  I  am  told,  is,  that  the 

bashaw  absolutely  refuses  to  believe  in  the  deluge,  and  in  the 
story  of  Balaam's  ass ; — maintaining  that  this  animal  was  never 
yet  permitted  to  talk  except  in  a  genuine  logocracy ;  where, 
it  is  true,  his  voice  may  often  be  heard,  and  is  listened  to  with 
reverence,  as  "  the  voice  of  the  sovereign  people."  Nay,  so  far 
did  he  cany  his  obstinacy,  that  he  absolutely  invited  a  pro- 
fessed antediluvian  from  the  Gallic  empire,  who  illuminated 

the  whole  country  with  his  principles and  his  nose.  This 

was  enough  to  set  the  nation  in  a  blaze;— every  slang-whanger 


SALMAGUNDI.  83 

resorted  to  his  tongue  or  his  pen ;  and  for  seven  years  have 
they  carried  on  a  most  inhuman  war,  in  which  volumes  of 
words  have  been  expended,  oceans  of  ink  have  been  shed; 
nor  has  any  mercy  been  shown  to  age,  sex,  or  condition.  Every 
day  have  these  slang- whangers  made  furious  attacks  on  each 
other,  and  upon  their  respective  adherents :  discharging  their 
heavy  artillery,  consisting  of  large  sheets  loaded  with  scound- 
rel !  villain !  liar !  rascal !  numbskull !  nincompoop !  dunderhead  1 
wiseacre !  blockhead !  jackass !  and  I  do  swear,  by  my  beard, 
though  I  know  thou  wilt  scarcely  credit  me,  that  in  some  of 
these  skirmishes  the  grand  bashaw  himself  has  been  wofully 
pelted !  yea,  most  ignominiously  pelted ! — and  yet  have  these 
talking  desperadoes  escaped  without  the  bastinado! 

Every  now  and  then  a  slang-whanger,  who  has  a  longer 
head,  or  rather  a  longer  tongue  than  the  rest,  will  elevate  his 
piece  and  discharge  a  shot  quite  across  the  ocean,  levelled  at  the 
head  of  the  emperor  of  France,  the  king  of  England,  or,  wouldst 
thou  believe  it,  oh!  Asem,  even  at  his  sublime  highness  the 
bashaw  of  Tripoli !  these  long  pieces  are  loaded  with  single  ball, 
or  language,  as  tyrant !  usurper !  robber !  tiger !  monster !  and 
thou  mayest  well  suppose  they  occasion  great  distress  and  dis- 
may in  the  camps  of  the  enemy,  and  are  marvellously  annoy- 
ing to  the  crowned  heads  at  which  they  are  directed.  The  slang- 
whanger,  though  perhaps  the  mere  champion  of  a  village,  having 
fired  off  his  shot,  struts  about  with  great  self -congratulation, 
chuckling  at  the  prodigious  bustle  he  must  have  occasioned, 
and  seems  to  ask  of  every  stranger,  "well,  sir,  what  do  they 
think  of  me  in  Europe?"*  This  is  sufficient  to  show  you  the 
manner  in  which  these  bloody,  or  rather  windy  fellows  fight ; 
it  is  the  only  mode  allowable  in  a  logocracy  or  government  of 


NOTE,  BY  WILLIAM  WIZARD,   ESQ. 

*  The  sage  Jfustapha,  when  he  wrote  the  above  paragraph,  had  probably  in  his 
eye  the  following  anecdote;  related  either  by  Linkum  Fidelius,  or  Josephus  Miller- 
ius,  vulgarly  called  Joe  Miller,  of  faceMous  memory. 

The  captain  of  a  slave-vessel,  on  his  first  landing  on  the  coast  of  Guinea,  observed, 
under  a  palm-tree,  a  negro  chief,  sitting  most  majestically  on  a  stump;  while  two 
women,  with  wooden  spoons,  were  administering  his  favourite  pottage  of  boiled 
rice;  which,  as  his  imperial  majesty  was  a  little  greedy,  would  part  of  it  escape  the 
place  of  destination  and  run  down  his  chin.  The  watchful  attendants  were  partic- 
ularly careful  to  intercept  these  scapegrace  particles,  and  return  them  to  their 
proper  port  of  entry.  As  the  captain  approached,  in  order  to  admire  this  curious 
exhibition  of  royalty,  the  great  chief  clapped  his  hands  to  his  sides,  and  saluted  hi* 
risitor  with  the  following  pompous  question,  "  well,  sir!  what  do  they  say  of  me  in 
England?" 


84  SALMAQ  UNDI. 

words.  I  would  also  observe  that  their  civil  wars  have  a 
thousand  ramifications. 

While  the  fury  of  the  battle  rages  in  the  metropolis,  every 
little  town  and  village  has  a  distinct  broil,  growing  like  excres- 
cences out  of  the  grand  national  altercation,  or  rather  agitating 
within  it,  like  those  complicated  pieces  of  mechanism  where 
there  is  a  "  wheel  within  a  wheel." 

But  in  nothing  is  the  verbose  nature  of  this  government 
more  evident  than  in  its  grand  national  divan,  or  congress, 
where  the  laws  are  framed;  this  is  a  blustering,  windy 
assembly,  where  everything  is  carried  by  noise,  tumult  and 
debate ;  for  thou  must  know,  that  the  members  of  this  assem- 
bly do  not  meet  together  to  find  wisdom  in  the  multitude  of 
counsellors,  but  to  wrangle,  call  each  other  hard  names,  and 
hear  themselves  talk.  When  the  congress  opens,  the  bashaw 
first  sends  them  a  long  message,  i.e.,  a  huge  mass  of  words — 
vox  et  preterea  nihil,  all  meaning  nothing ;  because  it  only  tells 
them  what  they  perfectly  know  already.  Then  the  whole 
assembly  are  thrown  into  a  ferment,  and  have  a  long  talk 
about  the  quantity  of  words  that  are  to  be  returned  in  answer 
to  this  message ;  and  here  arises  many  disputes  about  the  cor- 
rection of  "if  so  be's,"  and  "how  so  ever's."  A  month,  per- 
haps, is  spent  in  thus  determining  the  precise  number  of  words 
the  answer  shall  contain ;  and  then  another,  most  probably,  in 
concluding  whether  it  shall  be  carried  to  the  bashaw  on  foot, 
on  horseback,  or  in  coaches.  Having  settled  this  weighty 
matter,  they  next  fall  to  work  upon  the  message  itself,  and 
hold  as  much  chattering  over  it  as  so  many  magpies  over  an 
addled  egg.  This  done  they  divide  the  message  into  small 
portions,  and  deliver  them  into  the  hands  of  little  juntoes  of 
talkers,  called  committees :  these  juntoes  have  each  a  world  of 
talking  about  their  respective  paragraphs,  and  return  the 
results  to  the  grand  divan,  which  forthwith  falls  to  and  retalks 
the  matter  over  more  earnestly  than  ever.  Now,  after  all,  it  is 
an  even  chance  that  the  subject  of  this  prodigious  arguing, 
quarrelling,  and  talking,  is  an  affair  of  no  importance,  and 
ends  entirely  in  smoke.  May  it  not  then  be  said,  the  whole 
nation  have  been  talking  to  no  purpose?  The  people,  in  fact, 
s«em  to  be  somewhat  conscious  of  this  propensity  to  talk,  by 
which  they  are  characterized,  and  have  a  favourite  proverb  on 
the  subject,  viz.:  "all  talk  and  no  cider ;"  this  is  particularly 
applied  when  their  congress,  or  assembly  of  all  the  saga 


SALMAGUNDI.  86 

chatterers  of  the  nation,  have  chattered  through  a  whole 
session,  in  a  time  of  great  peril  and  momentous  event,  and 
have  done  nothing  but  exhibit  the  length  of  their  tongues  and 
the  emptiness  of  their  heads.  This  has  been  the  case  more 
than  once,  my  friend;  and  to  let  thee  into  a  secret,  I  have 
been  told  in  confidence,  that  there  have  been  absolutely  several 
old  women  smuggled  into  congress  from  different  parts  of  the 
empire ;  who,  having  once  got  on  he  breeches,  as  thou  mayest 
well  imagine,  have  taken  the  lead  in  debate,  and  overwhelmed 
the  whole  assembly  with  their  garrulity;  for  my  part,  as 
times  go,  I  do  not  see  why  old  women  should  not  be  as  eligible 
to  public  councils  as  old  men  who  possess  their  dispositions ; — 
they  certainly  are  eminently  possessed  of  the  qualifications 
requisite  to  govern  in  a  logocracy. 

Nothing,  as  I  have  repeatedly  insisted,  can  be  done  in  this 
country  without  talking ;  but  they  take  so  long  to  talk  over  a 
measure,  that  by  the  time  they  have  determined  upon  adopt- 
ing it,  the  period  has  elapsed  which  was  proper  for  carry- 
it  into  effect.  Unhappy  nation!— thus  torn  to  pieces  by  in- 
testine talks !  never,  I  fear,  will  it  be  restored  to  tranquillity 
and  silence.  Words  arc  but  breath;  breath  is  but  air;  and  air 
put  into  motion  is  nothing  but  wind.  This  vast  empire,  there- 
fore, may  be  compared  to  nothing  more  or  less  than  a  mighty 
windmill,  and  the  orators,  and  the  chatterers,  and  the  slang- 
whangers,  are  the  breezes  that  put  it  in  motion ;  unluckily, 
however,  they  are  apt  to  blow  different  ways,  and  their  blasts 
counteracting  each  other— the  mill  is  perplexed,  the  wheels 
stand  still,  the  giist  is  unground,  and  the  miller  and  his  family 
starved. 

Every  thing  partakes  of  the  windy  nature  of  the  govern- 
ment. In  case  of  any  domestic  grievance,  or  an  insult  from  a 
foreign  foe,  the  people  are  all  in  a  buzz ;— town-meetings  are 
immediately  held  where  the  quidnuncs  of  the  city  repair,  each 
like  an  atlas,  with  the  cares  of  the  whole  nation  upon  his 
shoulders,  each  resolutely  bent  upon  saving  his  country,  and 
each  swelling  and  strutting  like  a  turkey-cock ;  puffed  up  with 
words,  and  wind,  and  nonsense.  After  bustling,  and  buzzing, 
and  bawling  for  some  time ;  and  after  each  man  has  shown 
himself  to  be  indubitably  the  greatest  personage  in  the  meeting, 
they  pass  a  string  of  resolutions,  i.e.  words,  which  were  pre- 
viously prepared  for  the  purpose ;  these  resolutions,  are  whim- 
sically denominated  the  sejose  of  the  meeting,  and  are  sent  off 


86  SALMAGUNDI. 

for  the  instruction  of  the  reigning  bashaw,  who  receives  them 
graciously,  puts  them  into  his  red  breeches  pocket,  forgets  to 
read  them — and  so  the  matter  ends. 

As  to  his  highness,  the  present  bashaw,  who  is  at  the  very 
top  of  the  logocracy,  never  was  a  dignitary  better  qualified  for 
his  station.  He  is  a  man  of  superlative  ventosity,  and  com- 
parable to  nothing  but  a  huge  bladder  of  wind.  He  talks  of 
vanquishing  all  opposition  by  the  force  of  reason  and  philo- 
sophy ;  throws  his  gauntlet  at  all  the  nations  of  the  earth,  and 
defies  them  to  meet  him— on  the  field  of  argument !— is  the  na- 
tional dignity  insulted,  a  case  in  which  his  highness  of  Tripoli 

would  immediately  call  forth  his   forces; the  bashaw  of 

America — utters  a  speech.  Does  a  foreign  invader  molest  the 
commerce  in  the  very  mouth  of  the  harbours ;  an  insult  which 
would  induce  his  highness  of  Tripoli  to  order  out  his  fleets ; — 
his  highness  of  America — utters  a  speech.  Are  the  free  citizens 
of  America  dragged  from  on  board  the  vessels  of  their  country, 

and  forcibly  detained  in  the  war  ships  of  another  power his 

highness — utters  a  speech.  Is  a  peaceable  citizen  killed  by  the 
marauders  of  a  foreign  power,  on  the  very  shores  of  his  coun- 
try  his  highness  utters  a  speech. — Does  an  alarming  in- 
surrection break  out  in  a  distant  part  of  the  empire his 

highness  utters  a  speech ! — nay,  more,  for  here  he  shows  his 
"  energies;"— he  most  intrepidly  despatches  a  courier  on  horse- 
back and  orders  him  to  ride  one  hundred  and  twenty  miles  a 
day,  with  a  most  formidable  army  of  proclamations,  i.e.  a 
collection  of  words,  packed  up  in  his  saddle  bags.  He  is  in- 
structed to  show  no  favour  nor  affection;  but  to  charge  the 
thickest  ranks  of  the  enemy;  and  to  specify  and  batter  by 
words  the  conspiracy  and  the  conspirators  out  of  existenca 
« Heavens,  my  friends,  what  a  deal  of  blustering  is  here!  it  re- 
minds me  of  a  dunghill  cock  in  a  farm-yard,  who,  have  accident- 
ally in  his  scratchings  found  a  worm,  immediately  oegins  a 
most  vociferous  cackling; — calls  around  him  his  hen-hearted 
companions,  who  run  chattering  from  all  quarters  to  gobble  up 
the  poor  little  worm  that  happened  to  turn  under  his  eye.  Oh, 
Asem !  Asem !  on  what  a  prodigious  great  scale  is  every  thing 
in  this  country ! 

Thus,  then,  I  conclude  my  observations.  The  infidel  nations 
have  each  a  separate  characteristic  trait,  by  which  they  may 
be  distinguished  from  each  other; — the  Spaniards,  for  instance, 
may  be  said  to  sleep  upon  every  affair  of  importance ;— the 
Italians  to  fiddle  upon  every  tbjng ;— the  French  to  dance  upoo 


SALMAGUNDI.  87 

every  thing;— the  Germans  to  smoke  upon  every  thing;— the 
British  islanders  to  eat  upon  every  thing ;— and  the  windy  sub- 
jects of  the  American  logocracy  to  talk  upon  every  thing. 

For  ever  thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 


/ROM  THE  MILL  OF  PINDAR  COCKLOFT,  ESQ. 

How  oft  in  musing  mood  my  heart  recalls, 
From  grey-beard  father  Time's  oblivious  halls, 
The  modes  and  maxims  of  my  early  day, 
Long  in  those  dark  recesses  stow'd  away: 
Drags  once  more  to  the  cheerful  realms  of  light 
Those  buckram  fashions,  long  since  lost  in  night, 
And  makes,  like  Endor's  witch,  once  more  to  rise 
My  grogram  grandames  to  my  raptured  eyes ! 

Shades  of  my  fathers !  in  your  pasteboard  skirts, 
Your  broidered  waistcoats  and  your  plaited  shirts, 
Your  formal  bag-wigs—wide-extended  cuffs, 
Your  fix  e-inch  chitterlings  and  nine-inch  ruffs ! 
Gods !  how  ye  strut,  at  times,  in  all  your  state, 
Amid  the  visions  of  my  thoughtful  pate ! 
I  see  ye  move  the  solemn  minuet  o'er, 
The  modest  foot  scarce  rising  from  the  floor; 
No  thundering  rigadoon  with  boisterous  prance, 
No  pigeon- wing  disturb  your  contre-danse. 
But  silent  as  the  gentle  Lethe's  tide, 
Adown  the  festive  maze  ye  peaceful  glide ! 

Still  in  my  mental  eye  each  dame  appears — 
Each  modest  beauty  of  departed  years ; 
Close  by  mamma  I  see  her  stately  march 
Or  sit,  in  all  the  majesty  of  starch ; — 
When  for  the  dance  a  stranger  seeks  her  hand, 
I  see  her  doubting,  hesitating,  stand; 
Yield  to  his  claim  with  most  fastidious  grace, 
And  sigh  for  her  intended  in  his  place ! 

Ah !  golden  days !  when  every  gentle  fair 
On  sacred  Sabbath  conn'd  with  pious  care 
Her  holy  Bible,  or  her  prayer-book  o'er, 
Or  studied  honest  Bunyan's  drowsy  lore ; 
Travell'd  with  him  the  PILGRIM'S  PROGRESS  through, 
And  gtorm'd  the  famous  town  of  MAN-SOUL  too: 


88  SALMAGUNDI. 

Beat  Eye  and  Ear-gate  up  with  thundering  jar, 
And  fought  triumphant  through  the  HOLY  WAR; 
Or  if,  perchance,  to  lighter  works  inclined, 
They  sought  with  novels  to  relax  the  mind, 
'Twas  GRANDISON'S  politely  formal  page 
Or  CLELIA  or  PAMELA  were  the  rage. 

No  plays  were  then — theatrics  were  unknown — 
A  learned  pig— a  dancing  monkey  shown — 
The  feats  of  Punch— a  cunning  juggler's  slight, 
Were  sure  to  fill  each  bosom  with  delight. 
An  honest,  simple,  humdrum  race  we  were, 
Undazzled  yet  by  fashion's  wildering  glare 
Our  manners  unreserved,  devoid  of  guile, 
We  knew  not  then  the  modern  monster  style: 
Style,  that  with  pride  each  empty  bosom  swells, 
Puffs  boys  to  manhood,  little  girls  to  belles. 

Scarce  from  the  nursery  freed,  our  gentle  fair 
Are  yielded  to  the  dancing-master's  care ; 
And  e'er  the  head  one  mite  of  sense  can  gain, 
Are  introduced  'mid  folly's  frippery  tram. 
A  stranger's  grasp  no  longer  gives  alarms, 
Our  fair  surrender  to  their  very  arms. 
And  in  the  insidious  waltz  *  will  swim  and  twine 
And  whirl  and  languish  tenderly  divine ! 


NOTES,  BY  WILLIAM  WIZARD,  ESQ. 

*  [Waltz].  As  many  of  the  retired  matrons  of  this  city,  unskilled  in  "  gestio 
lore,"  are  doubtless  ignorant  of  the  movements  and  figures  of  this  modest  exhibi- 
tion, I  will  endeavour  to  give  some  account  of  it,  in  order  that  they  may  learn  what 
odd  capers  their  daughters  sometimes  cut  when  from  under  their  guardian  wings. 

On  a  signal  being  given  by  the  m.isic,  the  gentleman  seizes  the  lady  round  her 
waist;  the  lady,  scorning  to  be  outdone  in  courtesy,  very  politely  takes  the  gentle. 
man  round  the  neck,  with  one  arm  resting  against  his  shoulder  to  prevent  en- 
croachments. Away  then  they  go,  about,  and  about,  and  about "  about  what, 

Sir? " about  the  room,  Madam,  to  be  sure.  The  whole  economy  of  this  dance 

consists  in  turning  round  and  round  the  room  in  a  certain  measured  step:  and  it  is 
truly  astonishing  that  this  continued  revolution  does  not  set  all  their  heads  swimming 
like  a  top;  but  I  have  been  positively  assured  that  it  only  occasions  a  gentle  sensa- 
tion which  is  marvellously  agreeable.  In  the  course  of  this  circumnavigation,  the 
dancers,  in  order  to  give  the  charm  of  variety,  are  continually  changing  their  rela- 
tive situations; now  the  gentleman,  meaning  no  harm  in  the  world,  I  assure  you 

Madam,  carelessly  flings  his  arm  about  the  lady's  neck,  with  an  air  of  celestial  im- 
pudence; and  anon,  the  lady,  meaning  as  little  harm  as  the  gentleman,  takes  him 
round  the  waist  with  most  ingenious  modest  languishment,  to  the  great  delight  of 
numerous  spectators  and  amateurs,  who  generally  form  a  ring,  as  the  mob  do 
about  a  pair  of  amazons  pulling  caps,  or  a  couple  of  fighting  mastiffs. 

After  continuing  this  diyine  interchange  o±  hands,  arms,  et  cetera,  for  half  an 


SALMAGUNDI. 

Oh,  how  I  hate  this  loving,  hugging,  dance; 

This  imp  of  Germany — brought  up  in  France: 

Nor  can  I  see  a  niece  its  windings  trace, 

But  all  the  honest  blood  glows  in  my  face. 

"  Sad,  sad  refinement  this,"  I  often  say, 

"  'Tis  modesty  indeed  refined  away! 

"  Let  France  its  whim,  its  sparkling  wit  supply, 

"  The  easy  grace  that  captivates  the  eye; 

"  But  curse  their  waltz — their  loose  lascivious  arts, 

"  That  smooth  our  manners,  to  corrupt  our  hearts !"  i 

Where  now  those  books,  from  which  in  days  of  yore 

Our  mothers  gain'd  their  literary  store? 

Alas !  stiff -skirted  Grandison  gives  place 

To  novels  of  a  new  and  rakish  race ; 

And  honest  Bunyan's  pious  dreaming  lore, 

To  the  lascivious  rhapsodies  of  MOORE. 

And,  last  of  all,  behold  the  mimic  stage, 
Its  morals  lend  to  polish  off  the  age, 


hour  or  so,  the  lady  begins  to  tire,  and  with  "  eyes  upraised,"  in  most  bewitching 
languor  petitions  her  partner  for  a  little  more  support.  This  is  always  given  with- 
out hesitation.  The  lady  leans  gently  on  his  shoulder,  their  arms  entwine  in  a 

thousand  seducing,  mischievous  curves don't  be  alarmed,  Madam closer  and 

closer  they  approach  each  other,  and  in  conclusion,  the  parties  being  overcome 
with  ecstatic  fatigue,  the  lady  seems  almost  sinking  into  the  gentleman's  arms,  and 

then •'  Well,  Sir,  and  what  then?" lord,  Madam,  how  should  I  know! 

*  My  friend  Pindar,  and,  in  fact,  our  whole  junto,  has  been  accused  of  an  un- 
reasonable hostility  to  the  French  nation:  and  I  am  informed  by  a  Parisian  corres- 
pondent, that  our  first  number  played  the  very  devil  in  the  court  of  St.  Cloud.  His 
imperial  majesty  got  into  a  most  outrageous  passion,  and  being  withal  a  waspish 
little  gentleman,  had  nearly  kicked  his  bosom  friend,  Talleyrand,  out  of  the  cabinet, 
in  the  paroxysms  of  his  wrath.  He  insisted  upon  it  that  the  nation  was  assailed  in 
its  most  vital  part;  being,  like  Achilles,  extremely  sensitive  to  any  attacks  upon  tho 
heel.  When  my  correspondent  sent  off  his  despatches,  it  was  still  in  doubt  what 
measures  would  be  adopted ;  but  it  was  strongly  suspected  that  vehement  repre- 
sentations would  be  made  to  our  government.  Willing,  therefore,  to  save  our  exe- 
cutive from  any  embarrassment  on  the  subject,  and  above  all  from  the  disagreeable 
alternative  of  sending  an  apology  by  the  HORNET,  we  do  assure  Mr.  Jefferson,  that 
there  is  nothing  further  from  our  thoughts  than  the  subversion  of  the  Gallic  empire, 
or  any  attack  on  the  interests,  tranquillity,  or  reputation  of  the  nation  at  large, 
which  we  seriously  declare  possesses  the  highest  rank  in  our  estimation.  Nothing 
less  than  the  national  welfare  could  have  induced  us  to  trouble  ourselves  with  this 
explanation;  and  in  the  name  of  the  junto,  I  once  more  declare,  that  when  we  toast 
a  Frenchman,  we  merely  mean  one  of  these  inconnus,  who  swarmed  to  this  country, 
from  the  kitchens  and  barbers'  shops  of  Nantz,  Bordeaux,  and  Marseilles;  played 
game  of  leap-frog  at  all  our  balls  and  assemblies ;— set  this  unhappy  town  hopping 
mad ; — and  passed  themselves  off  on  our  tender-hearted  damsels  for  unfortunate 
noblemen — ruined  in  the  revolution !  such  only  can  wince  at  the  lash,  and  accuse  us 
of  severity;  and  we  should  be  mortified  in  the  extreme  if  they  did  not  feel  our  well- 
Intended  castigation. 


%  8ALMAOUNDL 

With  flimsy  farce,  a  comedy  miscall'd, 
Garnish'd  with  vulgar  cant,  and  proverbs  bald. 
With  puns  most  puny,  and  a  plenteous  store 
Of  smutty  jokes,  to  catch  a  gallery  roar. 
Or  see,  more  fatal,  graced  with  every  art 
To  charm  and  captivate  the  female  heart, 
The  false,  "  the  gallant,  gay  Lothario,"  smiles,* 
And  loudly  boasts  his  base  seductive  wiles ; — 
In  glowing  colours  paints  Calista's  wrongs, 
And  with  voluptuous  scenes  the  tale  prolongs, 
When  COOPER  lends  his  fascinating  powers, 
Decks  vice  itself,  in  bright  alluring  flowers, 
Pleased  with  his  manly  grace,  his  youthful  fire, 
Our  fair  are  lured  the  villain  to  admire ; 
While  humbler  virtue,  like  a  stalking  horse, 
Struts  clumsily  and  croaks  in  honest  MORSE. 

Ah,  hapless  days !  when  trials  thus  combined, 
In  pleasing  garb  assail  the  female  mind; 
When  every  smooth  insidious  snare  Is  spread 
To  sap  the  morals  and  delude  the  head ! 
Not  Shadrach,  Meshach  and  Abed-nego, 
To  prove  their  faith  and  virtue  here  below, 
Could  more  an  angel's  helping  hand  require 
To  guide  their  steps  uninjured  through  the  fire, 
Where  had  but  heaven  its  guardian  aid  denied, 
The  holy  trio  in  the  proof  had  died. 
If,  then,  their  manly  vigour  sought  supplies 
From  the  bright  stranger  in  celestial  guise, 
Alas !  can  we  from  feebler  nature's  claim, 
To  brave  seduction's  ordeal,  free  from  blame; 
To  pass  through  fire  unhurt  like  golden  ore, 
Though  ANGEL  MISSIONS  bless  the  earth  no  more  I 

*  [Fair  Penitent].  The  story  of  this  play,  if  told  in  its  native  language,  would 
Sxhibit  a  scene  of  guilt  and  shame,  which  no  modest  ear  could  listen  to  without 
shrinking  with  disgust;  but,  arrayed  as  it  is  in  all  the  splendour  of  harmonious, 
rich,  and  polished  verse,  it  steals  into  the  heart  like  some  gay,  luxurious,  smooth- 
faced villain,  and  betrays  it  insensibly  to  immorality  and  vice;  our  very  sympathy 
is  enlisted  on  the  side  of  guilt;  and  the  piety  of  Altamont,  and  the  gentleness  of 
Lavinia,  are  lost  in  the  splendid  debaucheries  of  the  "gallant,  gay  Lothario,"  and 
the  blustering,  hollow  repentance  of  the  fair  Calisto,  whose  sorrow  reminds  us 
of  that  of  Pope's  Heloise— "I  mourn  the  lover,  not  lament  the  fault."  Nothing  is 
more  easy  than  to  banish  such  plays  from  the  stage.  Were  our  ladies,  instead  of 
crowding  to  see  them  again  and  again  repeated,  to  discourage  their  exhibition  by 
absence,  the  stage  would  soon  be  indeed  the  school  of  morality,  and  the  number  of 
"Fair  Penitents,"  in  all  probability,  diminished. 


SALMAGUNDI.  91 


NO.  VIII.-SATURDAY,  APRIL  18.  1807. 


BY  ANTHONY  EVERGREEN,  GENT. 

"  In  all  thy  humours,  whether  grave  or  mellow, 
Thou'rt  such  a  touchy,  testy,  pleasant  fellow; 
Hast  so  much  wit,  and  mirth,  and  spleen  about  thee, 
There  is  no  living  with  thee — nor  without  thee." 

"  NEVER,  in  the  memory  of  the  ofdest  inhabitant,  has  there 
been  known  a  more  backward  spring."  This  is  the  universal 
remark  among  the  almanac  quidnuncs  and  weather-wisacrea 
of  the  day ;  and  I  have  heard  it  at  least  fifty-five  times  from 
old  Mrs.  Cockloft,  who,  poor  woman,  is  one  of  those  walking 
almanacs  that  foretell  every  snow,  rain,  or  frost,  by  the  shoot' 
ing  of  corns,  a  pain  in  the  bones,  or  an  "ugly  stitch  in  the 
side."  I  do  not  recollect,  in  the  whole  course  of  my  life,  to 
have  seen  the  month  of  March  indulge  in  such  untoward  capers, 
caprices,  and  coquetries,  as  it  has  done  this  year:  I  might  have 
forgiven  these  vagaries,  had  they  not  completely  knocked  up 
my  friend  Langstaff ,  whose  feelings  are  ever  at  the  mercy  of  a- 
weathercock,  whose  spirits  pink  and  rise  with  the  mercury  of 
a  barometer,  and  to  whom  an  east  wind  is  as  obnoxious  as  a 
Sicilian  sirocco.  He  was  tempted  some  time  since,  by  the  fine- 
ness of  the  weather,  to  dress  himself  with  more  than  ordinary 
care  and  take  his  morning  stroll ;  but  before  he  had  half  fin- 
ished his  peregrination,  he  was  utterly  discomfited,  and  driven 
home  by  a  tremendous  squall  of  wind,  hail,  rain,  and  snow ; 
or,  as  he  testily  termed  it,  "a  most  villainous  congregation  of 
vapors." 

This  was  too  much  for  the  patience  of  friend  Launcelot ;  he 
declared  he  would  honour  the  weather  no  longer  in  its  whim- 
whams;  and,  according  to  his  immemorial  custom  on  these 
occasions,  retreated  in  high  dudgeon  to  his  elbow-chair  to  lie  in 
of  the  spleen  and  rail  at  nature  for  being  so  fantastical : — "  con- 
found the  jade,"  he  frequently  exclaims,  ''what  a  pity  nature 


92  SALMAGUNDI. 

had  not  been  of  the  masculine  instead  of  the  feminine  gender ; 
the  almanac  makers  might  then  have  calculated  with  some  de- 
gree of  certainty." 

When  Langstaff  invests  himself  with  the  spleen,  and  gives 
audience  to  the  blue  devils  from  his  elbow-chair,  I  would  not 
advise  any  of  his  friends  to  come  within  gunshot  of  his  citadel 
with  the  benevolent  purpose  of  administering  consolation  or 
amusement :  for  he  is  then  as  crusty  and  crabbed  as  that  famous 
comer  of  false  money,  Diogenes  himself.  Indeed,  his  room  is 
at  such  times  inaccessible ;  and  old  Pompey  is  the  only  soul 
that  can  gain  admission,  or  ask  a  question  with  impunity ;  the 
truth  is,  that  on  these  occasions,  there  is  not  a  straw's  differ- 
ence between  them,  for  Pompey  is  as  grum  and  grim  and  cyni- 
cal as  his  master. 

Launcelot  has  now  been  above  three  weeks  in  this  desolate 
situation,  and  has  therefore  had  but  little  to  do  in  our  last 
number.  As  he  could  not  be  prevailed  on  to  give  any  account 
of  himself  in  our  introduction,  I  will  take  the  opportunity  of 
his  confinement,  while  his  back  is  turned,  to  give  a  slight 
sketch  of  his  character; — fertile  in  whim- whams  and  bachelor- 
isms, but  rich  in  many  of  the  sterling  qualities  of  our  nature. 
Annexed  to  this  article,  our  readers  will  perceive  a  striking 
likeness  of  my  friend,  which  was  taken  by  that  cunning  rogue 
Will  Wizard,  who  peeped  through  the  key-hole  and  sketched 
it  off  as  honest  Launcelot  sat  by  the  fire,  wrapped  up  in  his 
flannel  robe  de  chambre,  and  indulging  in  a  mortal  fit  of  the 
hyp.  Now  take  my  word  for  it,  gentle  reader,  this  is  the  most 
auspicious  moment  in  which  to  touch  off  the  phiz  of  a  genuine 
humorist. 

Of  the  antiquity  of  the  Langstaff  family  I  can  say  but  little ; 
except  that  I  have  no  doubt  it  is  equal  to  that  of  most  families 
who  have  the  privilege  of  making  their  own  pedigree,  without 
the  impertinent  interposition  of  a  college  of  heralds.  My 
friend  Launcelot  is  not  a  man  to  blazon  any  thing;  but  I  have 
heard  him  talk  with  great  complacency  of  his  ancestor,  Sir 
ROWLAND,  who  was  a  dashing  buck  in  the  days  of  Hardiknute, 
and  broke  the  head  of  a  gigantic  Dane,  at  a  game  of  quarter- 
staff,  in  presence  of  the  whole  court.  In  memory  of  this  gal- 
lant exploit,  Sir  Rowland  was  permitted  to  take  the  name  of 
Langstoffe,  and  to  assume,  as  a  crest  to  his  arms,  a  hand  grasp- 
ing a  cudgel.  It  is,  however,  a  foible  so  ridiculously  common 
in  this  country  for  people  to  claim  consanguinity  with  all  the 
great  personages  of  their  own  name  in  Europe,  that  I  should 


SALMAGUNDI.  93 

put  but  little  faith  in  this  family  boast  of  friend  Langstaff ,  did 
I  not  know  him  to  be  a  man  of  most  unquestionable  veracity. 

The  whole  world  knows  already  that  my  friend  is  a  bache- 
lor ;  for  he  is,  or  pretends  to  be,  exceedingly  proud  of  his  per- 
sonal independence,  and  takes  care  to  make  it  known  in  all 
companies  where  strangers  are  present.  He  is  forever  vaunt- 
ing the  precious  state  of  "single  blessedness;"  and  was  not 
long  ago  considerably  startled  at  a  proposition  of  one  of  his 
great  favourites,  Miss  Sophy  Sparkle,  "that  old  bachelors 
should  be  taxed  as  luxuries."  Launcelot  immediately  hied 
him  home,  and  wrote  a  tremendous  long  representation  ,in 
their  behalf,  which  I  am  resolved  to  publish  if  it  is  ever  at- 
tempted to  carry  the  measure  into  operation.  Whether  he  is 
sincere  in  these  professions,  or  whether  his  present  situation 
is  owing  to  choice  or  disappointment,  he  only  can  tell ;  but  if 
he  ever  does  tell,  I  will  suffer  myself  to  be  shot  by  the  first 
lady's  eye  that  can  twang  an  arrow.  In  his  youth  he  was 
for  ever  in  love ;  but  it  was  his  misfortune  to  be  continually 
crossed  and  rivalled  by  his  bosom  friend  and  contemporary- 
beau,  Pindar  Cockloft,  Esq.,  for  as  Langstaff  never  made  a 
confidant  on  these  occasions,  his  friend  never  knew  which  way 
his  affections  pointed;  and  so,  between  them  both,  the  lady 
generally  slipped  through  their  fingers. 

It  has  ever  been  the  misfortune  of  Launcelot  that  he  could 
not  for  the  soul  of  him  restrain  a  good  thing;  and  this  fatality 
has  drawn  upon  him  the  ill  will  of  many  whom  he  would 
not  have  offended  for  the  world.  With  the  kindest  heart 
under  heaven,  and  the  most  benevolent  disposition  toward 
every  being  around  him,  he  has  been  continually  betrayed  by 
the  mischievous  vivacity  of  his  fancy,  and  the  good-humoured 
waggery  of  his  feelings,  into  satirical  sallies  which  have  been 
treasured  up  by  the  invidious,  and  retailed  out  with  the  bitter 
sneer  of  malevolence,  instead  of  the  playful  hilarity  of  counte- 
nance which  originally  sweetened  and  tempered  and  disarmed 
them  of  their  sting. —These  misrepresentations  have  gained 
him  many  reproaches  and  lost  him  many  a  friend. 

This  unlucky  characteristic  played  the  mischief  with  him  in 
one  of  his  love  affairs.  He  was,  as  I  have  before  observed, 
often  opposed  in  his  gallantries  by  that  formidable  rival,  Pin- 
dar Cockloft,  Esq.,  and  a  most  formidable  rival  he  was;  for  he 
had  Apollo,  the  nine  muses,  together  with  all  the  joint  tenants 
of  Olympus  to  back  him;  and  every  body  knows  what  im- 
portant confederates  they  are  to  a  lover.  Poor  Launcelot 


94  SALMAGUNDI. 

stood  no  chance; — the  lady  was  cooped  up  in  the  poet's  corner 
of  every  weekly  paper;  and  at  length  Pindar  attacked  her 
with  a  sonnet  that  took  up  a  whole  column,  in  which  he  enu- 
merated at  least  a  dozen  cardinal  virtues,  together  with  innu- 
merable others  of  inferior  consideration.  Launcelot  saw  his 
case  was  desperate,  and  that  unless  he  sat  down  forthwith,  be- 
churibimed  and  be-angeled  her  to  the  skies,  and  put  every  vir- 
tue under  the  sun  in  requisition,  he  might  as  well  go  hang 
himself  and  so  make  an  end  of  the  business.  At  it,  therefore, 
he  went,  and  was  going  on  very  swimmingly,  for,  in  the  space 
of  a  dozen  lines  he  had  enlisted  under  her  command  at  least 
three  score  and  ten  substantial  housekeeping  virtues,  when, 
unluckily  for  Launcelot's  reputation  as  a  poet  and  the  lady's  as 
a  saint,  one  of  those  confounded  good  thoughts  struck  his 
laughter-loving  brain ; — it  was  irresistible ;  away  he  went  full 
sweep  before  the  wind,  cutting  and  slashing  and  tickled  tc 
death  with  his  own  fun;  the  consequence  was,  that  by  the 
time  he  had  finished,  never  was  poor  lady  so  most  ludicrously 
lampooned  since  lampooning  came  into  fashion.  But  this  was 
not  half ;— so  hugely  was  Launcelot  pleased  with  this  frolic  of 
his  wits,  that  nothing  would  do  but  he  must  show  it  to  the 
lady,  who,  as  well  she  might,  was  mortally  offended,  and  for- 
bid him  her  presence.  My  friend  was  in  despair ;  but  through 
the  interference  of  his  generous  rival,  was  permitted  to  make 
his  apology,  which,  however,  most  unluckily  happened  to  be 
rather  worse  than  the  original  offence ;  for  though  he  had 
studied  an  eloquent  compliment,  yet,  as  ill-luck  would  have  it, 
a  most  preposterous  whim- wham  knocked  at  his  pericranium, 
and  inspired  him  to  say  some  consummate  good  things,  which 
all  put  together  amounted  to  a  downright  hoax,  and  provoked 
the  lady's  wrath  to  such  a  degree  that  sentence  of  eternal 
banishment  was  awarded  against  him. 

Launcelot  was  inconsolable,  and  determined,  in  the  true 
style  of  novel  heroics,  to  make  the  tour  of  Europe,  and  endea 
vour  to  lose  the  recollection  of  this  misfortune  amongst  the 
gayeties  of  France  and  the  classic  charms  of  Italy ;  he  accord- 
ingly took  passage  in  a  vessel  and  pursued  his  voyage  prosper- 
ously as  far  as  Sandy  Hook,  where  he  was  seized  with  a  violent 
fit  of  sea- sickness ;  at  which  he  was  so  affronted  that  he  put 
his  portmanteau  into  the  first  pilot-boat  and  returned  to  town 
completely  cured  of  his  love  and  his  rage  for  travelling. 

I  pass  over  the  subsequent  amours  of  my  friend  Langstaff, 
being  but  little  acquainted  with  them;  for,  as  I  have  already 


SALMAGUNDI.  95 

mentioned,  he  never  was  known  to  make  a  confidant  of  any 
body.  He  always  affirmed  a  man  must  be  a  fool  to  fall  in  love, 
but  an  idiot  to  boast  of  it ; — ever  denominated  it  the  villainous 
passion ; — lamented  that  it  could  not  be  cudgelled  out  of  the  hu- 
man heart ;— and  yet  could  no  more  live  without  being  in  love 
with  somebody  or  other  than  he  could  without  whim -whams. 

My  friend  Launcelot  is  a  man  of  excessive  irritability  of 
nerve,  and  I  am  acquainted  with  no  one  so  susceptible  of  the 
petty  "  miseries  of  human  life;"  yet  its  keener  evils  and  mis- 
fortunes he  bears  without  shrinking,  and  however  they  may 
prey  in  secret  on  his  happiness,  he  never  complains.  This  was 
strikingly  evinced  in  an  affair  where  his  heart  was  deeply  and 
irrevocably  concerned,  and  in  which  his  success  was  ruined  by 
one  for  whom  he  had  long  cherished  a  warm  friendship.  The 
circumstance  cut  poor  Langstaff  to  the  very  soul ;  he  was  not 
seen  in  company  for  months  afterwards,  and  for  a  long  time 
he  seemed  to  retire  within  himself,  and  battle  with  the  poig- 
nancy of  his  f eelings ;  but  not  a  murmur  or  a  reproach  was 
heard  to  fall  from  his  lips,  though,  at  the  mention  of  his 
friend's  name,  a  shade  of  melancholy  might  be  observed  steal- 
ing across  his  face,  and  his  voice  assumed  a  touching  tone, 
that  seemed  to  say,  he  remembered  his  treachery  "more  in 
sorrow  than  in  anger." — This  affair  has  given  a  slight  tinge  of 
sadness  to  his  disposition,  which,  however,  does  not  prevent 
his  entering  into  the  amusements  of  the  world;  the  only 
effect  it  occasions,  is,  that  you  may  occasionally  observe  him, 
at  the  end  of  a  lively  conversation,  sink  for  a  few  minutes  into 
an  apparent  forgetfulness  of  surrounding  objects,  during 
which  time  he  seems  to  be  indulging  in  some  melancholy 
retrospection. 

,  Langstaff  inherited  from  his  father  a  love  of  literature,  a  dis- 
position for  castle-building,  a  mortal  enmity  to  noise,  a  sove- 
reign antipathy  to  cold  weather  and  brooms,  and  a  plentiful 
stock  of  whim- whams.  From  the  delicacy  of  his  nerves  he  is 
peculiarly  sensible  to  discordant  sounds;  the  rattling  of  a 
wheelbarrow  is  "  horrible;"  the  noise  of  children  "  drives  him 
distracted ;"  and  he  once  left  excellent  lodgings  merely  because 
the  lady  of  the  house  wore  high-heeled  shoes,  in  which  she 
clattered  up  and  down  stairs,  till,  to  use  his  own  emphatic  ex- 
pression, "they  made  life  loathsome"  to  him.  He  suffers 
annual  martyrdom  from  the  razor-edged  zephyrs  of  our 
"balmy  spring,1'  and  solemnly  declares  that  the  boasted 
month  of  May  has  become  a  perfect  "vagabond."  As  some 


96  SALMAGUNDI. 

people  have  a  great  antipathy  to  cats,  and  can  tell  when  one  is 
locked  up  in  a  closet,  so  Launcelot  declares  his  feelings  always 
announce  to  him  the  neighbourhood  of  a  broom ;  a  household 
implement  which  he  abominates  above  all  others.  Nor  is  there 
any  living  animal  in  the  world  that  he  holds  in  more  utter 
abhorrence  than  what  is  usually  termed  a  notable  house- wife ; 
a  pestilent  being,  who,  he  protests,  is  the  bane  of  good-fellow- 
ship, and  has  a  heavy  charge  to  answer  for  the  many  offences 
committed  against  the  ease,  comfort,  and  social  enjoyments  of 
sovereign  man.  He  told  me  not  long  ago,  "  that  he  had  rather 
see  one  of  the  weird  sisters  nourish  through  his  key-hole  on  a 
broomstick,  than  one  of  the  servant  maids  enter  the  door  with 
a  besom." 

My  friend  Launcelot  is  ardent  and  sincere  in  his  attachments, 
which  are  confined  to  a  chosen  few,  in  whose  society  he  loves 
to  give  free  scope  to  his  whimsical  imagination ;  he,  however, 
mingles  freely  with  the  world,  though  more  as  a  spectator  than 
an  actor;  and  without  an  anxiety  or  hardly  a  care  to  please, 
is  generally  received  with  welcome  and  listened  to  with  com- 
placency. When  he  extends  his  hand  it  is  in  a  free,  open,  lib- 
eral style;  and  when  you  shake  it,  you  feel  his  honest  heart 
throb  in  its  pulsations.  Though  rather  fond  of  gay  exhibitions, 
he  does  not  appear  so  frequently  at  balls  and  assemblies  since 
the  introduction  of  the  drum,  trumpet,  and  tamborine :  all  of 
which  he  abhors  on  account  of  the  rude  attacks  they  make  on 
his  organs  of  hearing: — in  short,  such  is  his  antipathy  to  noise, 
that  though  exceedingly  patriotic,  yet  he  retreats  every  fourth 
of  July  to  Cockloft  Hall,  in  order  to  get  out  of  the  way  of  the 
hub-bub  and  confusion  which  make  so  considerable  a  part  of 
the  pleasure  of  that  splendid  anniversary. 

I  intend  this  article  as  a  mere  sketch  of  Langstaff 's  multifa- 
rious character;  his  innumerable  whim- whams  will  be  exhibit- 
ed by  himself,  in  the  course  of  this  work,  in  all  their  strange 
varieties;  and  the  machinery  of  his  mind,  more  intricate  than 
the  most  subtle  piece  of  clock-work,  be  fully  explained.  And 
trust  me,  gentlefolk,  his  are  the  whim-whams  of  a  courteous 
gentleman  full  of  most  excellent  qualities ;  honourable  in  his 
disposition,  independent  in  his  sentiments,  and  of  unbounded 
good  nature,  as  may  be  seen  through  all  his  works. 


MALMAGUNDI.  97 

ON  STYLE. 

BY  WILLIAM  WIZARD,  ESQ. 

STYLE,  a  manner  of  writing;  title;  pin  of  a  dial;  the  pistil  of 

plants.  —JOHNSON. 
STYLE,  is  ....  style. — LINKTJM  FIDELIUS. 

Now  I  would  not  give  a  straw  for  either  of  the  above  defini- 
tions, though  I  think  the  latter  is  by  far  the  most  satisfactory: 
and  I  do  wish  sincerely  every  modern  numskull,  who  takes 
hold  of  a  subject  he  knows  nothing  about,  would  adopt  honest 
Linkum's  mode  of  explanation.  Blair's  Lectures  on  this  article 
have  not  thrown  a  whit  more  light  on  the  subject  of  my  in- 
quiries ;  they  puzzled  me  just  as  much  as  did  the  learned  and 
laborious  expositions  and  illustrations  of  the  worthy  professor 
of  our  college,  in  the  middle  of  which  I  generally  had  the  ill 
luck  to  fall  asleep. 

This  same  word  style,  though  but  a  diminutive  word,  as- 
sumes to  itself  more  contradictions,  and  significations,  and 
eccentricities,  than  any  monosyllable  in  the  language  is  legiti- 
mately entitled  to.  It  is  an  arrant  little  humorist  of  a  word, 
and  full  of  whim- whams,  which  occasions  me  to  like  it  hugely ; 
but  it  puzzled  me  most  wickedly  on  my  first  return  from  a  long 
residence  abroad,  having  crept  into  fashionable  use  during  my 
absence;  and  had  it  not  been  for  friend  Evergreen,  and  that 
thrifty  sprig  of  knowledge,  Jeremy  Cockloft  the  younger,  I 
should  have  remained  to  this  day  ignorant  of  its  meaning. 

Though  it  would  seem  that  the  people  of  all  countries  are 
equally  vehement  in  the  pursuit  of  this  phantom,  style,  yet  in 
almost  all  of  them  there  is  a  strange  diversity  in  opinion  as  to 
what  constitutes  its  essence;  and  every  different  class,  like 
the  pagan  nations,  adore  it  under  a  different  form.  In  Eng- 
land, for  instance,  an  honest  cit  packs  up  himself,  his  family, 
and  his  style,  in  a  buggy  or  tim-whisky,  and  rattles  away  on 
Sunday  with  his  fair  partner  blooming  beside  him,  like  an  east- 
ern bride,  and  two  chubby  children,  squatting  like  Chinese 
images  at  his  feet.  A  Baronet  requires  a  chariot  and  pair ; — a 
Lord  must  needs  have  a  barouche  and  four ; — but  a  Duke — oh ! 
a  Duke  cannot  possibly  lumber  his  style  along  under  a  coach 
and  six,  and  half  a  score  of  footmen  into  the  bargain.  In  China 


OS  SALMAGUNDI. 

a  puissant  Mandarin  loads  at  least  three  elephants  with  style? 
and  an  overgrown  sheep  at  the  Cape  of  Good-Hope,  trails  along 
his  tail  and  his  style  on  a  wheelbarrow.  In  Egypt,  or  at  Con- 
stantinople, style  consists  in  the  quantity  of  fur  and  fine  clothes 
a  lady  can  put  on  without  danger  o.t  suffocation;  here  it  is 
otherwise,  and  consists  in  the  quantity  she  can  put  off  without 
the  risk  of  freezing.  A  Chinese  lady  is  thought  prodigal  of  her 
charms  if  she  expose  the  tip  of  her  nose,  or  the  ends  of  her  fin- 
gers, to  the  ardent  gaze  of  bystanders :  and  I  recollect  that  all 
Canton  was  in  a  buzz  hi  consequence  of  the  great  belle,  Miss 
Nangf ous,  peeping  out  of  the  window  with  her  face  uncovered  1 
Here  the  style  is  to  show  not  only  the  face,  but  the  neck, 
shoulders,  &c. ;  and  a  lady  never  presumes  to  hide  them  except 
when  she  is  not  at  home,  and  not  sufficiently  undressed  to  see 
company. 

This  style  has  ruined  the  peace  and  harmony  of  many  a 
worthy  household ;  for  no  sooner  do  they  set  up  for  style,  but 
instantly  all  the  honest  old  comfortable  sans  ceremonie  furni- 
ture is  discarded ;  and  you  stalk,  cautiously  about,  amongst  the 
uncomfortable  splendour  of  Grecian  chairs,  Egyptian  tables, 
Turkey  carpets,  and  Etruscan  vases. — This  vast  improvement 
in  furniture  demands  an  increase  in  the  domestic  establish- 
ment ;  and  a  family  that  once  required  two  or  three  servants 
for  convenience,  now  employs  half  a  dozen  for  style. 

BELL-BRAZEN,  late  favourite  of  my  unfortunate  friend  Des- 
salines,  was  one  of  these  patterns  of  style ;  and  whatever  freak 
she  was  seized  with,  however  preposterous,  was  implicitly  fol- 
lowed by  all  who  would  be  considered  as  admitted  in  the  styl- 
ish arcana.  She  was  once  seized  with  a  whim- wham  that  tick- 
led the  whole  court.  She  could  not  lay  down  to  take  an 
afternoon's  loll,  but  she  must  have  one  servant  to  scratch  her 
head,  two  to  tickle  her  feet,  and  a  fourth  to  fan  her  delectable 
person  while  she  slumbered.  The  thing  took ; — it  became  the 
rage,  and  not  a  sable  belle  hi  all  Hayti  but  what  insisted  upon 
being  fanned,  and  scratched,  and  tickled  in  the  true  imperial 
style.  Sneer  not  at  this  picture,  my  most  excellent  towns- 
women,  for  who  among  you  but  are  daily  following  fashions 
equally  absurd ! 

Style,  according  to  Evergreen's  account,  consists  in  certain 
fashions,  or  certain  eccentricities,  or  certain  manners  of  cer- 
tain people,  in  certain  situations,  and  possessed  of  a  certain 
share  of  fashion  or  importance.  A  red  cloak,  for  instance,  on 
the  shoulders  of  an  old  market-woman  is  regarded  with  con- 


SALMAGUNDI.  99 

tempt ;  it  is  vulgar,  it  is  odious : — fling,  however,  its  usurping 
rival,  a  red  shawl,  over  the  fine  figure  of  a  fashionable  belle, 
and  let  her  flame  away  with  it  in  Broadway,  or  in  a  ball-room, 
and  it  is  immediately  declared  to  be  the  style. 

The  modes  of  attaining  this  certain  situation,  which  entitle 
its  holder  to  style,  are  various  and  opposite ;  the  most  osten- 
sible is  the  attainment  of  wealth;  the  possession  of  which 
changes,  at  once,  the  pert  airs  of  vulgar  ignorance  into  fashion- 
able ease  and  elegant  vivacity.  It  is  highly  amusing  to  ob- 
serve the  gradation  of  a  family  aspiring  to  style,  and  the 
devious  windings  they  pursue  in  order  to  attain  it.  While 
beating  up  against  wind  and  tide  they  are  the  most  com- 
plaisant beings  in  the  world;— they  keep  "booing  and  booing," 
as  M'Sycophant  says,  until  you  would  suppose  them  incapable 
of  standing  upright ;  they  kiss  their  hands  to  every  body  who 
has  the  least  claim  to  style;  their  familiarity  is  intolerable, 
and  they  absolutely  overwhelm  you  with  their  friendship  and 
loving-kindness.  But  having  once  gained  the  envied  pre- 
eminence, never  were  beings  in  the  world  more  changed. 
They  assume  the  most  intolerable  caprices;  at  one  time,  ad- 
dress you  with  importunate  sociability ;  at  another,  pass  you 
by  with  silent  indifference ;  sometimes  sit  up  in  their  chairs  in 
all  the  majesty  of  dignified  silence ;  and  at  another  time  bounce 
about  with  all  the  obstreperous  ill-bred  noise  of  a  little  hoyden 
just  broke  loose  from  a  boarding-school. 

Another  feature  which  distinguishes  these  new-made  fashion- 
ables, is  the  inveteracy  with  which  they  look  down  upon  the 
honest  people  who  are  struggling  to  climb  up  to  the  same  envied 
height.  They  never  fail  to  salute  them  with  the  most  sarcastic 
reflections;  and  like  so  many  worthy  hodmen,  clambering  a 
ladder,  each  one  looks  down  upon  his  next  neighbour  below 
and  makes  no  scruple  of  shaking  the  dust  off  his  shoes  into  his 
eyes.  Thus  by  dint  of  perseverance,  merely,  they  come  to  be 
considered  as  established  denizens  of  the  great  world;  as  in 
some  barbarous  nations  an  oyster-shell  is  of  sterling  value, 
and  a  copper-washed  counter  will  pass  current  for  genuine 
gold. 

In  no  instance  have  I  seen  this  grasping  after  style  more 
whimsically  exhibited,  than  in  the  family  of  my  old  acquaints 
ance,  TIMOTHY  GIBLET.— I  recollect  old  Giblet  when  I  was  a 
boy,  and  he  was  the  most  surly  curmudgeon  I  ever  knew.  He 
was  a  perfect  scare-crow  to  the  small-fry  of  the  day,  and  in- 
nerited  the  hatred  of  all  these  unlucky  little  shavers;  for  never 


100  SALMAGUNDI. 

could  we  assemble  about  bis  door  of  an  evening  to  play,  and 
make  a  little  hub-bub,  but  out  he  sallied  from  his  nest  like  a 
spider,  flourishing  his  formidable  horse-whip,  and  dispersed  the 
whole  crew  in  the  twinkling  of  a  lamp.  I  perfectly  remember 
a  bill  he  sent  in  to  my  father  for  a  pane  of  glass  I  had  accident- 
ally broken,  which  came  well-nigh  getting  me  a  sound  flogging; 
and  I  remember,  ae  perfectly,  that  the  next  night  I  revenged 
myself  by  breaking  half  a  dozen.  Giblet  was  as  arrant  a  grub- 
worm  as  ever  crawled ;  and  the  only  rules  of  right  and  wrong 
he  cared  a  button  for,  were  the  rules  of  multiplication  and 
addition;  which  he  practiced  much  more  successfully  than  he 
did  any  of  the  rules  of  religion  or  morality.  He  used  to  de- 
clare they  were  the  true  golden  rules ;  and  he  took  special  care 
to  put  Cocker's  arithmetic  in  the  hands  of  his  children,  before 
they  had  read  ten  pages  in  the  Bible  or  the  prayer-book.  The 
practice  of  these  favourite  maxims  was  at  length  crowned 
with  the  harvest  of  success ;  and  after  a  hie  of  incessant  self- 
denial,  and  starvation,  and  after  enduring  all  the  pounds, 
shillings,  and  pence  miseries  of  a  miser,  he  had  the  satisfaction 
of  seeing  himself  worth  a  plum  and  of  dying  just  as  he  had 
determined  to  enjoy  the  remainder  of  his  days  in  contemplat- 
ing his  great  wealth  and  accumulating  mortgages. 

His  children  inherited  his  money ;  but  they  buried  the  dis- 
position, and  every  other  memorial  of  their  father,  in  his 
grave.  Fired  with  a  noble  thirst  for  style,  they  instantly 
emerged  from  the  retired  lane  in  which  themselves  and  their 
accomplishments  had  hitherto  been  buried ;  and  they  blazed, 
and  they  whizzed,  and  they  cracked  about  town,  like  a  nest  of 
squibs  and  devils  in  a  firework.  I  can  liken  their  sudden  eclat 
to  nothing  but  that  of  the  locust,  which  is  hatched  in  the  dust, 
where  it  increases  and  swells  up  to  maturity,  and  after  f eeling 
for  a  moment  the  vivifying  rays  of  the  sun,  bursts  forth  a 
mighty  insect,  and  flutters,  and  rattles,  and  buzzes  from  every 
tree.  The  little  warblers  who  have  long  cheered  the  wood- 
lands with  their  dulcet  notes,  are  stunned  by  the  discordant 
racket  of  these  upstart  intruders,  and  contemplate,  in  con- 
temptuous silence,  their  tinsel  and  their  noise. 

Having  once  started,  the  Giblets  were  determined  that  noth- 
ing should  stop  them  in  their  career,  until  they  had  run  their 
full  course  and  arrived  at  the  very  tip-top  of  style.  Every 
tailor,  every  shoe-maker,  every  coach-maker,  every  milliner, 
every  mantua-maker,  every  paper-hanger,  every  piano  teacher, 
ajid  every  dancing  master  injjhe  city,  were  enlisted  in  their 


SALMA  &  UNDI.  101 

service;  and  the  willing  wights  most  courteously  answered 
their  call ;  and  fell  to  work  to  build  up  the  fame  of  the  Giblets, 
as  they  had  done  that  of  many  an  aspiring  family  before  them. 
In  a  little  time  the  young  ladies  :Vso  old;  dancVrthe  waltz, 
thunder  Lodoiska,  murder  French',  kill  time^  and  commit  vio- 
lence on  the  face  of  nature  in.  a  landscape*  in;  ^atfjr'  odours, 
equal  to  the  best  lady  in  the  land';  'and 'the' you'rig  gentlemen 
were  seen  lounging  at  corners  of  streets,  and  driving  tandem; 
heard  talking  loud  at  the  theatre,  and  laughing  in  church; 
with  as  much  ease,  and  grace,  and  modesty,  as  if  they  had 
been  gentlemen  all  the  days  of  their  lives. 

And  the  Giblets  arrayed  themselves  in  scarlet,  and  in  fine 
linen,  and  seated  themselves  in  high  places ;  but  nobody  noticed 
them  except  to  honor  them  with  a  little  contempt.  The  Gib- 
lets made  a  prodigious  splash  in  their  own  opinion;  but  no- 
body extolled  them  except  the  tailors,  and  the  milliners,  who 
had  been  employed  in  manufacturing  their  paraphernalia.  The 
Giblets  thereupon  being,  like  Caleb  Quotem,  determined  to 
have  "  a  place  at  the  review,"  fell  to  work  more  fiercely  than 
ever;— they  gave  dinners,  and  they  gave  balls,  they  hired 
cooks,  they  hired  fiddlers,  they  hired  confectioners ;  and  they 
would  have  kept  a  newspaper  in  pay,  had  they  not  been  all 
bought  up  at  that  time  for  the  election.  They  invited  the 
dancing-men  and  the  dancing-women,  and  the  gormandizers, 
and  the  epicures  of  the  city,  to  come  and  make  merry  at  their 
expense;  and  the  dancing-men,  and  the  dancing-women,  and 
the  epicures,  and  the  gormandizers,  did  come;  and  they  did 
make  merry  at  their  expense ;  and  they  eat,  and  they  drank, 
and  they  capered,  and  they  danced,  and  they — laughed  at  their 
entertainers. 

Then  commenced  the  hurry  and  the  bustle  and  the  mighty 
nothingness  of  fashionable  life; — such  rattling  in  coaches! 
such  flaunting  in  the  streets!  such  slamming  of  box  doors  at 
the  theatre!  such  a  tempest  of  bustle  and  unmeaning  noise 
wherever  they  appeared !  the  Giblets  were  seen  here  and  there 
and  everywhere;— they  visited  every  body  they  knew,  and 
every  body  they  did  not  know ;  and  there  was  no  getting  along 
for  the  Giblets.— Their  plan  at  length  succeeded.  By  dint  of 
dinners,  of  feeding  and  frolicking  the  town,  the  Giblet  family 
worked  themselves  into  notice,  and  enjoyed  the  ineffable  pleas- 
ure of  being  for  ever  pestered  by  visitors,  who  cared  nothing 
about  them ;  of  being  squeezed,  and  smothered,  and  parboiled 
at  nightly  balls,  and  evening  tea-parties ; — they  were  allowed 


102  SALMAGUNDI. 

the  privilege  of  forgetting  the  very  few  old  friends  they  once 
possessed ;— they  turned  their  noses  up  in  the  wind  at  every 
thing  that  was  not  genteel ;  and  there  superb  manners  and 
eublime  affectation,  at  ien§th  left  it  no  longer  a  matter  of  doubt 
•  that  the  Giblets  were  perfectly  in  style. 


u Being,  a«  it  were,  a  small  contentmente  in  a  never  contenting  subjecte;  a 

fitter  pleasaunte  taste  of  sweete  seasoned  sower;  and,  all  in  all,  a  more  than  ordin- 
kri»  rejoycing,  in  an  extraordinarie  sorrow  of  delyghts." 

LINK.  FIDKLIUS. 

WE  have  been  considerably  edified  of  late  by  several  letters 
of  advice  from  a  number  of  sage  correspondents,  who  really 
seem  to  know  more  about  our  work  than  we  do  ourselves. 
One  warns  us  against  saying  any  thing  more  about  SNIVERS, 
who  is  a  very  particular  friend  of  the  writer,  and  who  has  a 
singular  disinclination  to  be  laughed  at. — This  correspondent 
in  particular  inveighs  against  personalities,  and  accuses  us  of 
ill  nature  in  bringing  forward  old  Fungus  and  Billy  Dimple,  as 
figures  of  fun  to  amuse  the  public.  Another  gentleman,  who 
states  that  he  is  a  near  relation  of  the  Cocklofts,  proses  away 
most  soporifically  on  the  impropriety  of  ridiculing  a  respectable 
old  family ;  and  declares  that  if  we  make  them  and  their  whim- 
whams  the  subject  of  any  more  essays,  he  shall  be  under  the 
necessity  of  applying  to  our  theatrical  champions  for  satisfac- 
tion. A  third,  who  by  the  crabbedness  of  the  hand-writing, 
and  a  few  careless  inaccuracies  in  the  spelling,  appears  to  be  a 
lady,  assures  us  that  the  Miss  Cocklofts,  and  Miss  Diana  Wear- 
well,  and  Miss  Dashaway,  and  Mrs. ,  Will  Wizard's  quon- 
dam flame,  are  so  much  obliged  to  us  for  our  notice,  that  they 
intend  in  future  to  take  no  notice  of  us  at  all,  but  leave  us  out 
of  all  their  tea-parties ;  for  which  we  make  them  one  of  our 
best  bows,  and  say,  "  thank  you,  ladies." 

We  wish  to  heaven  these  good  people  would  attend  to  their 
own  affairs,  if  they  have  any  to  attend  to,  and  let  us  alone.  It 
is  one  of  the  most  provoking  things  in  the  world  that  we  can- 
not tickle  the  public  a  little,  merely  for  our  own  private 
amusement,  but  we  must  be  crossed  and  jostled  by  these  med- 
dling incendiaries,  and,  in  fact,  have  the  whole  town  about  our 
ears.  We  are  much  in  the  same  situation  with  an  unlucky 
blade  of  a  cockney ;  who,  having  mounted  his  bit  of  blood  to 


SA  LMA  O  UNDL  103 

enjoy  a  little  innocent  recreation,  and  display  his  horseman- 
ship along  Broadway,  is  worried  by  all  those  little  yelping  curs 
that  infest  our  city ;  and  who  never  fail  to  sally  out  and  growl, 
and  bark,  and  snarl,  to  the  great  annoyance  of  the  Birmingham 
equestrian. 

Wisely  was  it  said  by  the  sage  Linkum  Fidelius,  "howbeit, 
moreover,  nevertheless,  this^thrice  wicked  towne  is  charged  up 
to  the  muzzle  with  all  manner  of  ill-natures  and  uncharitable- 
nesses,  and  is,  moreover,  exceedinglie  naughte."  This  passage 
of  the  erudite  Linkum  was  applied  to  the  city  of  Gotham,  of 
which  he  was  once  Lord  Mayor,  as  appears  by  his  picture  hung 
up  in  the  hall  of  that  ancient  city ;— but  his  observation  fits 
this  best  of  all  possible  cities  "  to  a  hair."  It  is  a  melancholy 
truth  that  this  same  New- York,  although  the  most  charming, 
pleasant,  polished,  and  praise- worthy  city  under  the  sun,  and, 
in  a  word,  the  bonne  bouche  of  the  universe,  is  most  shockingly 
ill-natured  and  sarcastic,  and  wickedly  given  to  all  manner  of 
backslidings ; — for  which  we  are  very  sorry  indeed.  In  truth, 
for  it  must  come  out  like  murder  one  time  or  another,  the  in- 
habitants are  not  only  ill-natured,  but  manifestly  unjust :  no 
sooner  do  they  get  one  of  our  random  sketches  in  their  hands, 
but  instantly  they  apply  it  most  unjustifiably  to  some  "  dear 
friend,"  and  then  accuse  us  vociferously  of  the  personality 
which  originated  in  their  own  officious  friendship !  Truly  it  is 
an  ill-natured  town,  and  most  earnestly  do  we  hope  it  may  not 
meet  with  the  fate  of  Sodom  and  Gomorrah  of  old. 

As,  however,  it  may  be  thought  incumbent  upon  us  to  make 
some  apology  for  these  mistakes  of  the  town ;  and  as  our  good- 
nature is  truly  exemplary,  we  would  certainly  answer  this 
expectation  were  it  not  that  we  have  an  invincible  antipathy 
to  making  apologies.  We  have  a  most  profound  contempt  for 
any  man  who  cannot  give  three  good  reasons  for  an  unreason- 
able thing;  and  will  therefore  condescend,  as  usual,  to  give 
the  public  three  special  reasons  for  never  apologizing :— first, 
an  apology  implies  that  we  are  accountable  to  some  body  or 
another  for  our  conduct ; — now  as  we  do  not  care  a  fiddle-stick, 
as  authors,  for  either  public  opinion  or  private  ill-will,  it  would 
be  implying  a  falsehood  to  apologize: — second,  an  apology 
would  indicate  that  we  had  been  doing  what  we  ought  not  to 
have  done.  Now,  as  we  never  did  nor  ever  intend  to  do  any 
tiling  wrong  it  would  be  ridiculous  to  make  an  apology :— third, 
we  labour  under  the  same  incapacity  in  the  art  of  apologizing 
that  lost  Langstaff  his  mistress  >  we  never  yet  undertook  to 


104  SALMAGUNDI. 

make  apology  without  committing  a  new  offence,  and  making 
matters  ten  times  worse  than  they  were  before ;  and  we  are, 
therefore,  determined  to  avoid  such  predicaments  in  future. 

But  though  we  have  resolved  never  to  apologize,  yet  we  have 
no  particular  objection  to  explain;  and  if  this  is  all  that's 

wanted,  we  will  go  about  it  directly : allons,  gentleman ! 

before,  however,  we  enter  upon  this  serious  affair,  we  take 
this  opportunity  to  express  our  surprise  and  indignation  at  the 
incredulity  of  some  people.— Have  we  not,  over  and  over, 
assured  the  town  that  we  are  three  of  the  best-natured  fellows 
living?  And  is  it  not  astonishing,  that  having  already  given 
seven  convincing  proofs  of  the  truth  of  this  assurance,  they 
should  still  have  any  doubts  on  the  subject?  but  as  it  is  one  of 
the  impossible  things  to  make  a  knave  believe  in  honesty,  so 
perhaps  it  may  be  another  to  make  this  most  sarcastic,  satiri- 
cal, and  tea-drinking  city  believe  in  the  existence  of  good- 
nature. But  to  our  explanation. Gentle  reader!  for  we  are 

convinced  that  none  but  gentle  or  genteel  readers  can  relish 
our  excellent  productions,  if  thou  art  in  expectation  of  being 
perfectly  satisfied  with  what  we  are  about  to  say,  thou  mayest 
as  well  "whistle  lillebullero"  and  skip  quite  over  what  follows; 
for  never  wight  was  more  disappointed  than  thou  wilt  be  most 
assuredly. — But  to  the  explanation:  We  care  just  as  much 
about  the  public  and  its  wise  conjectures,  as  we  do  about  the 
man  in  the  moon  and  his  whim- whams,  or  the  criticisms  of  the 
lady  who  sits  majestically  in  her  elbow-chair  in  the  lobster; 
and  who,  belying  her  sex,  as  we  are  credibly  informed,  never 
says  any  thing  worth  listening  to.  We  have  launched  our 
bark,  and  we  will  steer  to  our  destined  port  with  undeviating 
perseverance,  fearless  of  being  shipwrecked  by  the  way.  Good- 
nature is  our  steersman,  reason  our  ballast,  whim  the  breeze 
that  wafts  us  along,  and  MORALITY  our  leading  star. 


BALMAQVNDL  105 


NO.  IX.-SATURDAY,  APRIL  25,  1807. 


FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 

IT  in  some  measure  jumps  with  my  humour  to  be  "melan- 
choly and  gentleman-like"  this  stormy  night,  and  I  see  no 
reuson  why  I  should  not  indulge  myself  for  once. — Away., 
then,  with  joke,  with  fun,  and  laughter,  for  a  while;  let  my 
soul  look  back  in  mournful  retrospect,  and  sadden  with  the 
memory  of  my  good  aunt  CHARITY — who  died  of  a  French- 
man! 

Stare  not,  oh,  most  dubious  reader,  at  the  mention  of  a 
complaint  so  uncommon;  grievously  hath  is  afflicted  the 
ancient  family  of  the  Cocklofts,  who  carry  their  absurd 
antipathy  to  the  French  so  far,  that  they  will  not  suffer  a 
clove  of  garlic  in  the  house :  and  my  good  old  friend  Chris- 
topher was  once  on  the  point  of  abandoning  his  paternal 
country  mansion  of  Cockloft-hall,  merely  because  a  colony 
of  frogs  had  settled  in  a  neighbouring  swamp.  I  verily 
believe  he  would  have  carried  his  whim-wham  into  effect, 
had  not  a  fortunate  drought  obliged  the  enemy  to  strike 
their  tents,  and,  like  a  troop  of  wandering  Arabs,  to  march 
off  towards  a  moister  part  of  the  country. 

My  aunt  Charity  departed  this  life  in  the  fifty-ninth  year  of 
her  age,  though  she  never  grew  older  after  twenty-five.  In 
her  teens  she  was,  according  to  her  own  account,  a  celebrated 
beauty,— though  I  never  could  meet  with  any  body  that  re- 
membered when  she  was  handsome;  on  the  contrary,  Ever- 
green's father,  who  used  to  gallant  her  in  his  youth,  says  she 
was  as  knotty  a  little  piece  of  humanity  as  he  ever  saw ;  and 
that,  if  she  had  been  possessed  of  the  least  sensibility,  she 
would,  like  poor  old  Acco,  have  most  certainly  run  mad  at  her 
own  figure  and  face  the  first  time  she  contemplated  herself  in 
a  looking-glass.  In  the  good  old  times  that  saw  my  aunt  in 


106  SALMAGUNDI. 

the  hey-day  of  youth,  a  fine  lady  was  a  most  formidable 
animal,  and  required  to  be  approached  with  the  same  awe 
and  devotion  that  a  Tartar  feels  in  the  presence  of  his  Grand 
Lama.  If  a  gentleman  offered  to  take  her  hand,  except  to 
help  her  into  a  carriage,  or  lead  her  into  a  drawing-room,  such 
frowns !  such  a  rustling  of  brocade  and  taffeta !  her  very  paste 
shoe-buckles  sparkled  with  indignation,  and  for  a  moment 
assumed  the  brilliancy  of  diamonds:  in  those  days  the  person 
of  a  belle  was  sacred ;  it  was  unprof  aned  by  the  sacrilegious 

grasp  of  a  stranger : simple  souls ! — they  had  not  the  waltz 

among  them  yet ! 

My  good  aunt  prided  herself  on  keeping  up  this  buckram 
delicacy;  and  if  she  happened  to  be  playing  at  the  old-fash- 
ioned game  of  forfeits,  and  was  fined  a  kiss,  it  was  always 
more  trouble  to  get  it  than  it  was  worth ;  for  she  made  a  most 
gallant  defence,  and  never  surrendered  until  she  saw  her 
adversary  inclined  to  give  over  his  attack.  Evergreen's 
father  says  he  remembers  once  to  have  been  on  a  sleighing 
party  with  her,  and  when  they  came  to  Kissing-bridge,  it  fell 
to  his  lot  to  levy  contributions  on  Miss  Charity  Cockloft ;  who, 
after  squalling  at  a  hideous  rate,  at  length  jumped  out  of  the 
sleigh  plump  into  a  snow-bank ;  where  she  stuck  fast  like  an 
icicle,  until  he  came  to  her  rescue.  This  latonian  feat  cost  her 
a  rheumatism,  from  which  she  never  thoroughly  recovered. 

It  is  rather  singular  that  my  aunt,  though  a  great  beauty, 
and  an  heiress  withal,  never  got  married.  The  reason  she 
alleged  was,  that  she  never  met  with  a  lover  who  resembled 
Sir  Charles  Grandison,  the  hero  of  her  nightly  dreams  and 
waking  fancy ;  but  I  am  privately  of  opinion  that  it  was  owing 
to  her  never  having  had  an  offer.  This  much  is  certain,  that 
for  many  years  previous  to  her  decease,  she  declined  all 
attentions  from  the  gentlemen,  and  contented  herself  with 
watching  over  the  welfare  of  her  fellow-creatures.  She  was, 
indeed,  observed  to  take  a  considerable  lean  towards  Method- 
ism, was  frequent  in  her  attendance  at  love  feasts,  read 
Whitefield  and  Wesley,  and  even  went  so  far  as  once  to  travel 
the  distance  of  five  and  twenty  miles  to  be  present  at  a  camp- 
meeting.  This  gave  great  offence  to  my  cousin  Christopher 
and  his  good  lady,  who,  as  I  have  already  mentioned,  are 
rigidly  orthodox;  and  had  not  my  aunt  Charity  been  of  a 
most  pacific  disposition,  ker  religious  whim-wham  would  have 
occasioned  many  a  family  altercation.  She  was,  indeed,  as 
good  a  soul  as  the  Cockloft  family  ever  boasted;  a  lady  of 


SALMAGUNDI.  107 

unbounded  loving-kindness,  which  extended  to  man,  woman, 
and  child ;  many  of  whom  she  almost  killed  with  good-nature. 
Was  any  acquaintance  sick  ?  in  vain  did  the  wind  whistle  and 
the  storm  beat;  my  aunt  would  waddle  through  mud  and 
mire,  over  the  whole  town,  but  what  she  would  visit  them. 
She  would  sit  by  them  for  hours  together  with  the  most  per- 
severing patience ;  and  tell  a  thousand  melancholy  stories  of 
human  misery,  to  keep  up  their  spirits.  The  whole  catalogue 
of  yerb  teas  was  at  her  fingers'  ends,  from  formidable  worm- 
wood down  to  gentle  balm;  and  she  would  descant  by  the 
hour  on  the  healing  qualities  of  hoar-hound,  catnip,  and 
penny-royal. — Wo  be  to  the  patient  that  came  under  the 
benevolent  hand  of  my  aunt  Charity;  he  was  sure,  willy 
nilly,  to  be  drenched  with  a  deluge  of  decoctions;  and  full 
many  a  time  has  my  cousin  Christopher  borne  a  twinge  of 
pain  in  silence  through  fear  of  being  condemned  to  suffer  the 
martyrdom  of  her  materia-medica.  My  good  aunt  had,  more- 
over, considerable  skill  in  astronomy,  for  she  could  tell  when 
the  sun  rose  and  set  every  day  in  the  year ;  and  no  woman  in 
the  whole  world  was  able  to  pronounce,  with  more  certainty, 
at  what  precise  minute  the  moon  changed.  She  held  the  story 
of  the  moon's  being  made  of  green  cheese,  as  an  abominable 
slander  on  her  favourite  planet;  and  she  had  made  several 
valuable  discoveries  in  solar  eclipses,  by  means  of  a  bit  of 
burnt  glass,  which  entitled  her  at  least  to  an  honorary  admis- 
sion in  the  American-philosophical-society.  Hutchings  im- 
proved was  her  favourite  book ;  and  I  shrewdly  suspect  that  it 
was  from  this  valuable  work  she  drew  most  of  her  sovereign 
remedies  for  colds,  coughs,  corns,  and  consumptions. 

But  the  truth  must  be  told ;  with  all  her  good  qualities  my 
aunt  Charity  was  afflicted  with  one  fault,  extremely  rare 
among  her  gentle  sex; — it  was  curiosity.  How  she  came  by 
it,  I  am  at  a  loss  to  imagine,  but  it  played  the  very  vengeance 
with  her  and  destroyed  the  comfort  of  her  life.  Having  an  in- 
vincible desire  to  know  every  body's  character,  business,  and 
mode  of  living,  she  was  for  ever  prying  into  the  affairs  of  her 
neighbours ;  and  got  a  great  deal  of  ill  will  from  people  towards 
whom  she  had  the  kindest  disposition  possible. — If  any  family 
on  the  opposite  side  of  the  street  gave  a  dinner;  my  aunt 
would  mount  her  spectacles,  and  sit  at  the  window  until  the 
company  were  all  housed ;  merely  that  she  might  know  who 
they  were.  If  she  heard  a  story  about  any  of  her  acquain- 
tance, she  would,  forthwith,  set  off  full  sail  and  never  rest 


108  SALMAOUJWL 

until,  to  use  her  usual  expression,  she  had  got  "to  the  bottom 
of  it;"  which  meant  nothing  more  than  telling  it  to  every  body 
she  knew. 

I  remember  one  night  my  aunt  Charity  happened  to  hear  a 
a  most  precious  story  about  one  of  her  good  friends,  but  un- 
fortunately too  late  to  give  it  immediate  circulation.  It  made 
her  absolutely  miserable;  and  she  hardly  slept  a  wink  all 
night,  for  fear  her  bosom  friend,  Mrs.  SIPKINS,  should  get  the 
start  of  her  in  the  morning  and  blow  the  whole  affair.  You 
must  know  there  was  always  a  contest  between  these  two 
ladies,  who  should  first  give  currency  to  the  good-natured 
things  said  about  every  body ;  and  this  unfortunate  rivalship 
at  length  proved  fatal  to  their  long  and  ardent  friendship.  My 
aunt  got  up  full  two  hours  that  morning  before  her  usual  time ; 
put  on  her  pompadour  tafeta  gown,  and  sallied  forth  to  lament 
the  misfortune  of  her  dear  friend.  Would  you  believe  it!— 
wherever  she  went  Mrs.  Sipkins  had  anticipated  her;  and, 
instead  of  being  listened  to  with  uplifted  hands  and  open- 
mouthed  wonder,  my  unhappy  aunt  was  obliged  to  sit  down 
quietly  and  listen  to  the  whole  affair,  with  numerous  addi- 
tions, alterations,  and  amendments! — noAv  this  was  too  bad; 
it  would  almost  have  provoked  Patience  Grizzle  or  a  saint ; — it 
was  too  much  for  my  aunt,  who  kept  her  bed  for  three  days 
afterwards,  with  a  cold,  as  she  pretended ;  but  I  have  no  doubt 
it  was  owing  to  this  affair  of  Mrs.  Sipkins,  to  whom  she  never 
would  be  reconciled. 

But  I  pass  over  the  rest  of  my  aunt  Charity's  life,  checquered 
with  the  various  calamities  and  misfortunes  and  mortifications 
incident  to  those  worthy  old  gentlewomen  who  have  the  do* 
mestic  cares  of  the  whole  community  upon  their  minds ;  and 
1 1  hasten  to  relate  the  melancholy  incident  that  hurried  her  out 
of  existence  in  the  full  bloom  of  antiquated  virginity. 

In  their  frolicksome  malice  the  fates  had  ordered  that  a 
French  boarding-house,  or  Pension  Francaise,  as  it  was  called, 
should  be  established  directly  opposite  my  aunt's  residence. 
Cruel  event !  unhappy  aunt  Charity ! — it  threw  her  into  that 
alarming  disorder  denominated  the  fidgets;  she  did  nothing 
but  watch  at  the  window  day  after  day,  but  without  becoming 
one  whit  the  wiser  at  the  end  of  a  fortnight  than  she  was  at 
the  beginning;  she  thought  that  neighbour  Pension  had  a  mon- 
strous large  family,  and  somehow  or  other  they  were  all  men ! 
she  could  not  imagine  what  business  neighbour  Pension  fol- 
lowed to  support  so  numerous  a  household;  and  wondered 


SALMAGUNDI.  109 

why  there  was  always  such  a  scraping  of  fiddles  in  the  par- 
lour, and  such  a  smell  of  onions  from  neighbour  Pension's 
kitchen ;  in  short,  neighbour  Pension  was  continually  upper- 
most in  her  thoughts,  and  incessantly  on  the  outer  edge  of  her 
tongue.  This  was,  I  believe,  the  very  first  time  she  had  ever 
failed  "to  get  at  the  bottom  of  a  thing;"  and  the  disappoint- 
ment cost  her  many  a  sleepless  night  I  warrant  you.  I  have 
little  doubt,  however,  that  my  aunt  would  have  ferretted 
neighbour  Pension  out,  could  she  have  spoken  or  understood 
French ;  but  in  those  times  people  in  general  could  make  them- 
selves understood  in  plain  English ;  and  it  was  always  a  stand- 
ing rule  in  the  Cockloft  family,  which  exists  to  this  day,  that 
not  one  of  the  females  should  learn  French. 

My  aunt  Charity  had  lived,  at  her  window,  for  some  time 
in  vain ;  when  one  day,  as  she  was  keeping  her  usual  look-out, 
and  suffering  all  the  pangs  of  unsatisfied  curiosity,  she  beheld 
a  little,  meagre,  weazel-faced  Frenchman,  of  the  most  forlorn, 
diminutive,  and  pitiful  proportions,  arrive  at  neighbour  Pen- 
sion's door.  He  was  dressed  in  white,  with  a  little  pinched-up 
cocked  hat ;  he  seemed  to  shake  in  the  wind,  and  every  blast 
that  went  over  him  whistled  through  his  bones  and  threatened 
instant  annihilation.  This  embodied  spirit-of-famine  was  fol- 
lowed by  three  carts,  lumbered  -*"ith  crazy  trunks,  chests, 
band-boxes,  bidets,  medicine -chests,  parrots,  and  monkeys; 
and  at  his  heels  ran  a  yelping  pack  of  little  black-nosed  pug 
dogs.  This  was  the  one  thing  wanting  to  fill  up  the  measure 
of  my  aunt  Charity's  afflictions ;  she  could  not  conceive,  for 
the  soul  of  her,  who  this  mysterious  little  apparition  could  be 
that  made  so  great  a  display ;  what  he  could  possibly  do  with 
so  much  baggage,  and  particularly  with  his  parrots  and  mon- 
keys ;  or  how  so  small  a  carcass  could  have  occasion  for  so 
many  trunks  of  clothes.  Honest  soul !  she  had  never  had  a 
peep  into  a  Frenchman's  wardrobe ;  that  depdt  of  old  coats, 
hats,  and  breeches,  of  the  growth  of  every  fashion  he  has  fol- 
lowed in  his  life. 

From  the  time  of  this  fatal  arrival,  my  poor  aunt  was  hi  a 
quandary ;— all  her  inquiries  were  fruitless ;  no  one  could  ex- 
pound the  history  of  this  mysterious  stranger:  she  never  held 
up  her  head  afterwards, — drooped  daily,  took  to  her  bed  in  a 
fortnight,  and  in  "one  little  month"  I  saw  her  quietly  depos- 
ited in  the  family  vault : — being  the  seventh  Cockloft  that  hag 
died  of  a  whirn-wham ! 

Take  warning,  my  fair  countcy- women  I  and  you,  oh,  ye  ex- 


110  SALMAGUNDI. 

cellent  ladies,  whether  married  or  single,  who  pry  into  other 
people's  affairs  and  neglect  those  of  your  own  household;— 
whc  are  so  busily  employed  in  observing  the  faults  of  others 
that  you  have  no  time  to  correct  your  own ;— remember  the 
fate  of  my  dear  aunt  Charity,  and  eschew  the  evil  spirit  of 
curiosity. 


FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 

I  FIND,  by  perusal  of  our  last  number,  that  WILL  WIZARD 
and  EVERGREEN,  taking  advantage  of  my  confinement,  have 
been  playing  some  of  their  gambols.  I  suspected  these  rogues 
of  some  mal-practices,  in  consequence  of  their  queer  looks  and 
knowing  winks  whenever  I  came  down  to  dinner;  and  of  their 
not  showing;  their  faces  at  old  Cockloft's  for  several  days  after 
the  appearance  of  their  precious  effusions.  Whenever  these 
two  waggish  fellows  lay  their  heads  together,  there  is  always 
sure  to  be  hatched  some  notable  piece  of  mischief ;  which,  if  it 
tickles  nobody  else,  is  sure  to  make  its  authors  merry.  The 
public  will  take  notice  that,  for  the  purpose  of  teaching  these 
my  associates  better  manners,  and  punishing  them  for  their 
high  misdemeanors,  I  have,  by  virtue  of  my  authority,  sus- 
pended them  from  all  interference  in  Salmagundi,  until  they 
show  a  proper  degree  of  repentance;  or  I  get  tired  of  support- 
ing the  burthen  of  the  work  myself.  I  am  sorry  for  Will,  who 
is  already  sufficiently  mortified  in  not  daring  to  come  to  the 
old  house  and  tell  his  long  stories  and  smoke  his  segar;  but 
Evergreen,  being  an  old  beau,  may  solace  himself  in  his  dis- 
grace by  trimming  up  all  his  old  finery  and  making  love  to 
the  little  girls. 

At  present  my  right-hand  man  is  cousin  Pindar,  whom  1 
have  taken  into  high  favour.  He  came  home  the  other  night 
all  in  a  blaze  like  a  sky-rocket—whisked  up  to  his  room  in  a 
paroxysm  of  poetic  inspiration,  nor  did  we  see  any  thing  of 
him  until  late  the  next  morning,  when  he  bounced  upon  us  at 
breakfast, 

"  Fire  in  each  eye— and  paper  in  each  hand." 

This  is  just  the  way  with  Pindar,  he  is  like  a  volcano;  will 
remain  for  a  long  time  silent  without  emitting  a  single  spark, 
and  then,  all  at  once,  burst  out  in  a  tremendous  explosion  of 
rhyme  and  rhapsody. 


SALMAGUNDI.  HI 

As  the  letters  of  my  friend  Mustapha  seem  to  excite  consid* 
erable  curiosity,  I  have  subjoined  another.  I  do  not  vouch 
for  the  justice  of  his  remarks,  or  the  correctness  of  his  con- 
clusions; they  are  full  of  the  blunders  and  errors  in  which 
strangers  continually  indulge,  who  pretend  to  give  an  account 
of  this  country  before  they  well  know  the  geography  of  the 
street  in  which  they  live.  The  copies  of  my  friend's  papers 
being  confused  and  without  date,  I  cannot  pretend  to  give 
them  in  systematic  order ; — in  fact,  they  seem  now  and  then 
to  treat  of  matters  which  have  occurred  since  his  departure ; 
whether  these  are  sly  interpolations  of  that  meddlesome  wight 
Will  Wizard,  or  whether  honest  Mustapha  was  gifted  with 
the  spirit  of  prophecy  or  second  sight,  I  neither  know — nor,  in 
fact,  do  I  care.  The  following  seems  to  have  been  written 
when  the  Tripolitan  prisoners  were  so  much  annoyed  by  the 
ragged  state  of  their  wardrobe.  Mustapha  feelingly  depicts 
the  embarrassments  of  his  situation,  traveller-like ;  makes  an 
easy  transition  from  his  breeches  to  the  seat  of  government, 
and  incontinently  abuses  the  whole  administration;  like  a 
sapient  traveller  I  once  knew,  who  damned  the  French  nation 
in  toto— because  they  eat  sugar  with  green  peas. 


LETTEE  FEOM  MUSTAPHA  EUB-A-DUB  KELI  KHAN. 

CAPTAIN    OF    A    KETCH,    TO    ASEM    HACCHEM,     PRINCIPAL  SLAVE- 
DRIVER  TO  HIS  HIGHNESS  THE  BASHAW  OF  TRIPOLI. 

SWEET,  oh,  Asem !  is  the  memory  of  distant  friends !  like  the 
mellow  ray  of  a  departing  sun  it  falls  tenderly  yet  sadly  on  the 
heart.  Every  hour  of  absence  from  my  native  land  rolls 
heavily  by,  like  the  sandy  wave  of  the  desert;  and  the  fair 
shores  of  my  country  rise  blooming  to  my  imagination,  clothed 
in  the  soft,  illusive  charms  of  distance.  I  sigh,  yet  no  one  lis- 
tens to  the  sigh  of  the  captive ;  I  shed  the  bitter  tear  of  recol- 
lection, but  no  one  sympathizes  in  the  tear  of  the  turbaned 
stranger !  Think  not,  however,  thou  brother  of  my  soul,  that 
I  complain  of  the  horrors  of  my  situation ; — think  not  that  my 
captivity  is  attended  with  the  labours,  the  chains,  the  scourges, 
the  insults,  that  render  slavery,  with  us,  more  dreadful  than 
the  pangs  of  hesitating,  lingering  death.  Light,  indeed,  ar« 


|12  SALMAGUNDI. 

the  restraints  on  the  personal  freedom  of  thy  kinsman;  but 
who  can  enter  into  the  afflictions  of  the  mind? — who  can  de- 
scribe the  agonies  of  the  heart?  they  are  mutable  as  the  clouds 
of  the  air— they  are  countless  as  the  waves  that  divide  me 
from  my  native  country. 

I  have,  of  late,  my  dear  Asem,  laboured  under  an  inconve- 
nience singularly  unfortunate,  and  am  reduced  to  a  dilemma 
most  ridiculously  embarrassing.  Why  should  I  hide  it  from 
the  companion  of  my  thoughts,  the  partner  of  my  sorrows  and 
my  j°ys?  Alas!  Asem,  thy  friend  Mustapha,  the  invincible 
captain  of  a  ketch,  is  sadly  in  want  of  a  pair  of  breeches !  Thou 
wilt  doubtless  smile,  oh,  most  grave  Mussulman,  to  hear  me 
indulge  in  such  ardent  lamentations  about  a  circumstance  so 
trivial,  and  a  want  apparently  so  easy  to  be  satisfied ;  but  little 
canst  thou  know  of  the  mortifications  attending  my  necessities, 
and  the  astonishing  difficulty  of  supplying  them.  Honoured 
by  the  smiles  and  attentions  of  the  beautiful  ladies  of  this  city, 
who  have  fallen  in  love  with  my  whiskers  and  my  turban ; 
courted  by  the  bashaws  and  the  great  men,  who  delight  to 
have  me  at  their  feasts ;  the  honour  of  my  company  eagerly 
solicited  by  every  fiddler  who  gives  a  concert;  think  of  my 
chagrin  at  being  obliged  to  decline  the  host  of  invitations  that 
daily  overwhelm  me,  merely  for  want  of  a  pair  of  breeches ! 
Oh,  Allah !  Allah !  that  thy  disciples  could  come  into  the  world 
all  be-feathered  like  a  bantam,  or  with  a  pair  of  leather  breeches 
like  the  wild  deer  of  the  forest !  Surely,  my  friend,  it  is  the 
destiny  of  man  to  be  for  ever  subjected  to  petty  evils ;  which, 
however  trifling  in  appearance,  prey  in  silence  on  his  little 
pittance  of  enjoyment,  and  poison  those  moments  of  sunshine 
which  might  otherwise  be  consecrated  to  happiness. 

The  want  of  a  garment,  thou  wilt  say,  is  easily  supplied ;  and 
thou  mayest  suppose  need  only  be  mentioned,  to  be  remedied 
at  once  by  any  tailor  of  the  land :  little  canst  thou  conceive  the 
impediments  which  stand  in  the  way  of  my  comfort ;  and  still 
less  art  thou  acquainted  with  the  prodigious  great  scale  on 
which  every  thing  is  transacted  in  this  country.  The  nation 
moves  most  majestically  slow  and  clumsy  in  the  most  trivial 
affairs,  like  the  unwieldy  elephant  which  makes  a  formidable 
difficulty  of  picking  up  a  straw !  When  I  hinted  my  necessities 
to  the  officer  who  has  charge  of  myself  and  my  companions,  I 
expected  to  have  them  forthwith  relieved;  but  he  made  an 
amazing  long  face,  told  me  that  we  were  prisoners  of  state, 
that  we  must,  therefore,  be  clothed  at  the  expense  of  govern- 


SALMAGUNDI.  113 

ment ;  that  as  no  provision  had  been  made  by  congress  for  an 
emergency  of  the  kind,  it  was  impossible  to  furnish  me  with  a 
pair  of  breeches,  until  all  the  sages  of  the  nation  had  been  con- 
vened to  talk  over  the  matter  and  debate  upon  the  expediency 
of  granting  my  request.  Sword  of  the  immortal  Khalid, 
thought  I,  but  this  is  great !— this  is  truly  sublime !  All  the 
sages  of  an  immense  logocracy  assembled  together  to  talk 
about  my  breeches!  Vain  mortal  that  I  am! — I  cannot  but 
own  I  was  somewhat  reconciled  to  the  delay,  which  must  nec- 
essarily attend  this  method  of  clothing  me,  by  the  considera- 
tion that  if  they  made  the  affair  a  national  act,  my  "name 
must,  of  course,  be  embodied  in  history,"  and  myself  and  my 
breeches  flourish  to  immortality  in  the  annals  of  this  mighty 
empire ! 

"  But,  pray,"  said  I,  "how  does  it  happen  that  a  matter  so 
insignificant  should  be  erected  into  an  object  of  such  impor- 
tance as  to  employ  the  representative  wisdom  of  the  nation; 
and  what  is  the  cause  of  their  talking  so  much  about  a  trifle?" 
— "Oh, "replied  the  officer,  who  acts  as  our  slave-driver,  "it 
all  proceeds  from  economy.  If  the  government  did  not  spend 
ten  times  as  much  money  in  debating  whether  it  was  proper  to 
supply  you  with  breeches,  as  the  breeches  themselves  would 
cost,  the  people  who  govern  the  bashaw  and  his  divan  would 
straightway  begin  to  complain  of  their  liberties  being  infringed ; 
the  national  finances  squandered !  not  a  hostile  slang- whanger 
throughout  the  logocracy,  but  would  burst  forth  like  a  barrel 
of  combustion,  and  ten  chances  to  one  but  the  bashaw  and  the 
sages  of  his  divan  would  all  be  turned  out  of  office  together. 
My  good  Mussulman,"  continued  he,  "  the  administration  have 
the  good  of  the  people  too  much  at  heart  to  trifle  with  their 
pockets ;  and  they  would  sooner  assemble  and  talk  away  ten 
thousand  dollars,  than  expend  fifty  silently  out  of  the  treasury; 
such  is  the  wonderful  spirit  of  economy  that  pervades  every 
branch  of  this  government."  "But,"  said  I,  "how  is  it  possi- 
ble they  can  spend  money  in  talking ;  surely  words  cannot  be 
the  current  coin  of  this  country?"  "Truly," cried  he,  smiling, 
"your  question  is  pertinent  enough,  for  words  indeed  often 
supply  the  place  of  cash  among  us,  and  many  an  honest  debt 
is  paid  in  promises :  but  the  fact  is,  the  grand  bashaw  and  the 
members  of  congress,  or  grand-talkers-of-the-nation,  either 
receive  a  yearly  salary  or  are  paid  by  the  day."  "  By  the  nine 
hundred  tongues  of  the  great  beast  in  Mahomet's  vision,  but 
the  murder  is  out ; — it  is  no  wonder  these  honest  men  talk  99 


114  SALMAGUNDI. 

much  about  nothing,  when  they  are  paid  for  talking,  like  day. 
labourers."  "You  are  mistaken,"  said  my  driver,  "it  is  noth- 
ing but  economy !" 

I  remained  silent  for  some  minutes,  for  this  inexplicable 
word  economy  always  discomfits  me ;  and  when  I  flatter  my- 
self I  have  grasped  it,  it  slips  through  my  fingers  like  a  jack- 
o'-lantem.  I  have  not,  nor  perhaps  ever  shall  acquire,  suffi- 
cient of  the  philosophic  policy  of  this  government  to  draw  a 
proper  distinction  between  an  individual  and  a  nation.  If  a 
man  was  to  throw  away  a  pound  in  order  to  save  a  beggarly 
penny,  and  boast,  at  the  same  time,  of  his  economy,  I  should 
think  him  on  a  par  with  the  fool  in  the  fable  of  Alfanji,  who, 
in  skinning  a  flint  worth  a  farthing,  spoiled  a  knife  worth  fifty 
times  the  sum,  and  thought  he  had  acted  wisely.  The  shrewd 
fellow  would  doubtless  have  valued  himself  much  more  highly 
on  his  economy,  could  he  have  known  that  his  example  would 
one  day  be  followed  by  the  bashaw  of  America,  and  the  sages 
of  his  divan. 

This  economic  disposition,  my  friend,  occasions  much  fight- 
ing of  the  spirit,  and  innumerable  contests  of  the  tongue  in 
this  talking  assembly. — Wouldst  thou  believe  it?  they  were 
actually  employed  for  a  whole  week  in  a  most  strenuous  and 
eloquent  debate  about  patching  up  a  hole  in  the  wall  of  the 
room  appropriated  to  their  meetings!  A  vast  profusion  of 
nervous  argument  and  pompous  declamation  was  expended  on 
the  occasion.  Some  of  the  orators,  I  am  told,  being  rather  wag- 
gishly inclined,  were  most  stupidly  jocular  on  the  occasion ;  but 
their  waggery  gave  great  offence ;  and  was  highly  reprobated 
by  the  more  weighty  part  of  the  assembly,  who  hold  all  wit 
and  humour  in  abomination,  and  thought  the  business  in  hand 
much  too  solemn  and  serious  to  be  treated  lightly.  It  is  sup- 
posed by  some  that  this  affair  would  have  occupied  a  whole 
winter,  as  it  was  a  subject  upon  which  several  gentlemen 
spoke  who  had  never  been  known  to  open  their  lips  in  that 
place  except  to  say  yes  and  no.  These  silent  members  are  by 
way  of  distinction  denominated  orator  mums,  and  are  highly 
valued  in  this  country  on  account  of  their  great  talent  for 
silence ;— a  qualification  extremely  rare  in  a  logocracy. 

Fortunately  for  the  public  tranquillity,  in  the  hottest  part' of 
the  debate,  when  two  rampant  Virginians,  brim-full  of  logic 
and  philosophy,  were  measuring  tongues,  and  syllogistically 
cudgelling  each  other  out  of  their  unreasonable  notions,  the 
president  of  the  divan,  a  knowing  old  gentleman,  one  night 


SALMA  a  UNDI.  llg 

slyly  sent  a  mason  with  a  hod  of  mortar,  who,  in  the  course  of 
a  few  minutes,  closed  up  the  hole  and  put  a  final  end  to  the  ar- 
gument. Thus  did  thiswise  old  gentleman,  by  hitting  on  a 
most  simple  expedient,  in  all  probability  save  his  country  as 
much  money  as  would  build  a  gun-boat,  or  pay  a  hireling 
slang- whanger  for  a  whole  volume  of  words.  As  it  happened, 
only  a  few  thousand  dollars  were  expended  in  paying  these 
men,  who  are  denominated,  I  suppose  in  derision,  legislators. 

Another  instance  of  their  economy  I  relate  with  pleasure,  for 
I  really  begin  to  feel  a  regard  for  these  poor  barbarians.  They 
talked  away  the  best  part  of  a  whole  winter  before  they 
could  determine  not  to  expend  a  few  dollars  in  purchasing  a 
sword  to  bestow  on  an  illustrious  warrior:  yes,  Asem,  on  that 
very  hero  who  frightened  all  our  poor  old  women  and  young 
children  at  Derne,  and  fully  proved  himself  a  greater  man 
than  the  mother  that  bore  bun.  Thus,  my  friend,  is  the  whole 
collective  wisdom  of  this  mighty  logocracy  employed  in  somni- 
ferous debates  about  the  most  trivial  affairs ;  like  I  have  some- 
times seen  a  herculean  mountebank  exerting  all  his  energies  in 
balancing  a  straw  upon  his  nose.  Their  sages  behold  the  minu- 
test object  with  the  microscopic  eyes  of  a  pismire ;  mole-hQls 
swell  into  mountains,  and  a  grain  of  mustard-seed  will  set  the 
whole  ant-hill  in  a  hub-bub.  Whether  this  indicates  a  capa- 
cious vision,  or  a  diminutive  mind,  I  leave  thee  to  decide ;  for 
my  part,  I  consider  it  as  another  proof  of  the  great  scale  on 
which  every  thing  is  transacted  in  this  country. 

I  have  before  told  thee  that  nothing  can  be  done  without  con- 
sulting the  sages  of  the  nation,  who  compose  the  assembly 
called  the  congress.  This  prolific  body  may  not  improperly  be 
termed  the  "mother  of  inventions;"  and  a  most  fruitful 
mother  it  is,  let  me  tell  thee,  though  its  children  are  generally 
abortions.  It  has  lately  laboured  with  what  was  deemed  the 
conception  of  a  mighty  navy.— All  the  old  women  and  the 
good  wives  that  assist  the  bashaw  in  his  emergencies  hurried 
to  head-quarters  to  be  busy,  like  midwives,  at  the  delivery.— 
All  was  anxiety,  fidgeting,  and  consultation ;  when,  after  a  deal 
of  groaning  and  struggling,  instead  of  formidable  first  rates 
and  gallant  frigates,  out  crept  a  litter  of  sorry  little  gun- 
boats !  These  are  most  pitiful  little  vessels,  partaking  vastly 
of  the  character  of  the  grand  bashaw,  who  has  the  credit  of 
begetting  them ;  being  flat,  shallow  vessels  that  can  only  sail 
before  the  wind;— must  always  keep  in  with  the  land;— are 
continually  foundering  or  running  ashore;  and,  in  short,  are 


116  SALMAGUNDI. 

only  fit  for  smooth  water.  Though  intended  for  the  defence 
of  the  maritime  cities,  yet  the  cities  are  obliged  to  defend 
them;  and  they  require  as  much  nursing  as  so  many  ricketty 
little  bantlings.  They  are,  however,  the  darling  pets  of  the 
grand  bashaw,  being  the  children  of  his  dotage,  and,  perhaps 
from  their  diminutive  size  and  palpable  weakness,  are  called 
the  "infant  navy  of  America."  The  act  that  brought  them 
into  existence  was  almost  deified  by  the  majority  of  the  peo- 
ple as  a  grand  stroke  of  economy. — By  the  beard  of  Mahomet, 
but  this  word  is  truly  inexplicable ! 

To  this  economic  body,  therefore,  was  1  advised  to  address 
my  petition,  and  humbly  to  pray  that  the  august  assembly 
of  sages  would,  in  the  plenitude  of  their  wisdom  and  the  mag- 
nitude of  their  powers,  munificently  bestow  on  an  unfortu- 
nate captive,  a  pair  of  cotton  breeches !  "  Head  of  the  immor- 
tal Amrou,"  cried  I,  "but  this  would  be  presumptuous  to  a  de- 
gree; what!  after  these  worthies  have  thought  proper  to  leave 
their  country  naked  and  defenceless,  and  exposed  to  all  the  po- 
litical storms  that  rattle  without,  can  I  expect  that  they  will 
lend  a  helping  hand  to  comfort  the  extremities  of  a  solitary 
captive?"  My  exclamation  was  only  answered  by  a  smile,  and 
I  was  consoled  by  the  assurance  that,  so  far  from  being  neg- 
lected, it  was  every  way  probable  my  breeches  might  occupy 
a  whole  session  of  the  divan,  and  set  several  of  the  longest 
heads  together  by  the  ears.  Flattering  as  was  the  idea  of  a 
whole  nation  being  agitated  about  my  breeches,  yet  I  own  I 
was  somewhat  dismayed  at  the  idea  of  remaining  m  querpo, 
until  all  the  national  gray -beards  should  have  made  a  speech 
on  the  occasion,  and  given  their  consent  to  the  measure.  The 
embarrassment  and  distress  of  mind  which  I  experienced  was 
visible  in  my  countenance,  and  my  guard,  who  is  a  man  of  in- 
finite good-nature,  immediately  suggested,  as  a  more  expedi- 
tious plan  of  supplying  my  wants — a  benefit  at  the  theatre. 
Though  profoundly  ignorant  of  his  meaning,  I  agreed  to  his 
proposition,  the  result  of  which  I  shall  disclose  to  thee  in 
another  letter. 

Fare  thee  well,  dear  Asem;  in  thy  pious  prayers  to  our 
great  prophet,  never  forget  to  solicit  thy  friend's  return ;  and 
when  thou  numberest  up  the  many  blessings  bestowed  on  thee 
by  all-bountiful  Allah,  pour  forth  thy  gratitude  that  he  has 
cast  thy  nativity  in  a  land  where  there  is  no  assembly  of 
legislative  chatterers: — no  great  bashaw,  who  bestrides  a  gun- 
boat for  a  hobby-horse? — where  the  word  economy  is  un- 


SALMAGUNDI.  117 

known; — and  where  an  unfortunate  captive  is  not  obliged  to 
call  upon  the  whole  nation,  to  cut  him  out  a  pair  of  breeches. 

Ever  thine, 

MUSTAPHA, 


TEOM  THE  MILL  OF  PINDAR  COCKLOFT,  ESQ. 

THOUGH  enter'd  on  that  sober  age, 
When  men  withdraw  from  fashion's  stage, 
And  leave  the  follies  of  the  day, 
To  shape  their  course  a  graver  way ; 
Still  those  gay  scenes  I  loiter  round, 
In  which  my  youth  sweet  transport  found: 
And  though  I  feel  their  joys  decay, 
And  languish  every  hour  away, — 
Yet  like  an  exile  doom'd  to  part, 
From  the  dear  country  of  his  heart, 
"From  the  fair  spot  in  which  he  sprung, 
Where  his  first  notes  of  love  were  sung, 
Will  often  turn  to  wave  the  hand, 
And  sigh  his  blessings  on  the  land ; 
Just  so  my  lingering  watch  I  keep, — 
Thus  oft  I  take  my  farewell  peep. 

And,  like  that  pilgrim  who  retreats, 
Thus  lagging  from  his  parent  seats, 
When  the  sad  thought  pervades  his  mind, 
That  the  fair  land  he  leaves  behind 
Is  ravaged  by  a  foreign  foe, 
Its  cities  waste,  its  temples  low, 
And  ruined  all  those  haunts  of  joy 
That  gave  him  rapture  when  a  boy ; 
Turns  from  it  with  averted  eye, 
And  while  he  heaves  the  anguish'd  sigh, 
Scarce  feels  regret  that  the  loved  shore 
Shall  beam  upon  his  sight  no  more ; — 
Just  so  it  grieves  my  soul  to  view, 
While  breathing  forth  a  fond  adieu, 
The  innovations  pride  has  made, 
The  fustian,  frippery,  and  parade, 
That  now  usurp  with  mawkish  grace 
Pure  tranquil  pleasure's  wonted  placel 


11$  SALMAGUNDI. 

'Twas  joy  we  look'd  for  in  my  prime, 
That  idol  of  the  olden  time ; 
When  all  our  pastimes  had  the  art 
To  please,  and  not  mislead,  the  heart. 
J  Style  curs'd  us  not,— that  modern  flash, 

That  love  of  racket  and  of  trash ; 
Which  scares  at  once  all  feeling  joys, 
And  drowns  delight  in  empty  noise ; 
Which  barters  friendship,  mirth,  and  truth, 
The  artless  air,  the  bloom  of  youth, 
And  all  those  gentle  sweets  that  swarm 
Bound  nature  in  her  simplest  form, 
For  cold  display,  for  hollow  state, 
The  trappings  of  the  would-be  great. 

Oh !  once  again  those  days  recall, 
When  heart  met  heart  in  fashion's  hall; 
When  every  honest  guest  would  flock 
To  add  his  pleasure  to  the  stock, 
More  fond  his  transports  to  express, 
Than  show  the  tinsel  of  his  dress ! 
These  were  the  times  that  clasp'd  the  soul 
In  gentle  friendship's  soft  control, 
Our  fair  ones,  unprof an'd  by  art, 
Content  to  gain  one  honest  heart, 
No  train  of  sighing  swains  desired, 
Sought  to  be  loved  and  not  admired. 
But  now  'tis  form,  not  love,  unites; 
'Tis  show,  not  pleasure,  that  invites. 
Each  seeks  the  ball  to  play  the  queen, 
To  flirt,  to  conquer,  to  be  seen; 
Each  grasps  at  universal  sway, 
And  reigns  the  idol  of  the  day; 
Exults  amid  a  thousand  sighs, 
And  triumphs  when  a  lover  dies. 
Each  belle  a  rival  belle  surveys, 
Like  deadly  foe  with  hostile  gaze ; 
Nor  can  her  " dearest  friend"  caress, 
Till  she  has  slyly  scann'd  her  dress; 
Ten  conquests  in  one  year  will  make, 
And  six  eternal  friendships  break  I 

How  oft  I  breathe  the  inward  sigh, 
And  feel  the  dew-drop  in  my  eye, 


6  ALMA  G  UNDL  119 

When  I  behold  some  beauteous  frame, 
Divine  in  every  thing  but  name. 
Just  venturing,  in  the  tender  age, 
On  fashion's  late  new-fangled  stage ! 
Where  soon  the  guiltless  heart  shall  cease 
To  beat  in  artlessness  and  peace ; 
Where  all  the  flowers  of  gay  delight 
With  which  youth  decks  its  prospects  bright, 
Shall  wither  'mid  the  cares,  the  strife, 
The  cold  realities  of  life ! 

Thus  lately,  in  my  careless  mood, 
As  I  the  world  of  fashion  view'd 
While  celebrating  great  and  small 
That  grand  solemnity,  a  ball, 
My  roving  vision  chanced  to  light 
On  two  sweet  forms,  divinely  bright ; 
Two  sister  nymphs,  alike  in  face, 
In  mien,  in  loveliness,  and  grace ; 
Twin  rose-buds,  bursting  into  bloom, 
In  all  their  brilliance  and  perfume : 
Like  those  fair  forms  that  often  beam 
Upon  the  Eastern  poet's  dream ! 
For  Eden  had  each  lovely  maid 
In  native  innocence  arrayed, — 
And  heaven  itself  had  almost  shed 
Its  sacred  halo  round  each  head ! 

They  seem'd,  just  entering  hand  in  hand, 
To  cautious  tread  this  fairy  land ; 
To  take  a  timid,  hasty  view, 
Enchanted  with  a  scene  so  new. 
The  modest  blush,  untaught  by  art, 
Bespoke  their  purity  of  heart ; 
And  every  timorous  act  unfurl'd 
Two  souls  unspotted  by  the  world. 

Oh,  how  these  strangers  joy'd  my  sight, 
And  thrill'd  my  bosom  with  delight ! 
They  brought  the  visions  of  my  youth 
Back  to  my  soul  in  all  their  truth; 
Recall'd  fair  spirits  into  day, 
That  time's  rough  hand  had  swept  away ! 
Thus  the  bright  natives  from  above, 
Who  come  on  messages  of  love, 


120  SALMAGUNDI. 

Will  bless,  at  rare  and  distant  whiles, 
Our  sinful  dwelling  by  their  smiles ! 

Oh !  my  romance  of  youth  is  past, 
Dear  airy  dreams  too  bright  to  last ! 
Yet  when  such  forms  as  these  appear, 
I  feel  your  soft  remembrance  here; 
For,  ah !  the  simple  poet's  heart, 
On  which  fond  love  once  play'd  its  part, 
Still  feels  the  soft  pulsations  beat, 
As  loth  to  quit  their  former  seat. 
Just  like  the  harp's  melodious  wire, 
Swept  by  a  bard  with  heavenly  fire, 
Though  ceased  the  loudly  swelling  strain 
Yet  sweet  vibrations  long  remain. 

Full  soon  I  found  the  lovely  pair 
Had  sprung  beneath  a  mother's  care, 
Hard  by  a  neighbouring  streamlet's  side. 
At  once  its  ornament  and  pride. 
The  beauteous  parent's  tender  heart 
Had  well  fulfill'd  its  pious  part; 
And,  like  the  holy  man  of  old, 
As  we're  by  sacred  writings  told, 
Who,  when  he  from  his  pupil  sped, 
Pour'd  two-fold  blessings  on  his  head.— 
So  this  fond  mother  had  imprest 
Her  early  virtues  in  each  breast, 
And  as  she  found  her  stock  enlarge, 
Had  stampt  new  graces  on  her  charge. 

The  fair  resign'd  the  calm  retreat, 
Where  first  their  souls  in  concert  beat, 
And  flew  on  expectation's  wing, 
To  sip  the  joys  of  life's  gay  spring; 
To  sport  in  fashion's  splendid  maze, 
Where  friendship  fades  and  love  decays. 
So  two  sweet  wild  flowers,  near  the  side 
Of  some  fair  river's  silver  tide, 
Pure  as  the  gentle  stream  that  laves 
The  green  banks  with  its  lucid  waves, 
Bloom  beauteous  in  their  native  ground, 
Diffusing  heavenly  fragrance  round; 
But  should  a  venturous  hand  transfer 
These  blossoms  to  the  gay  parterre, 


SALMAGUNDI, 

Where,  spite  of  artificial  aid, 
The  fairest  plants  of  nature  fade, 
Though  they  may  shine  supreme  awhile 
'Mid  pale  ones  of  the  stranger  soil, 
The  tender  beauties  soon  decay, 
And  their  sweet  fragrance  dies  away. 
Blest  spirits !  who,  enthroned  hi  air, 
Watch  o'er  the  virtues  of  the  fair, 
And  with  angelic  ken  survey 
Their  windings  through  life's  chequer'd  waj< 
Who  hover  round  them  as  they  glide 
Down  fashion's  smooth,  deceitful  tide, 
And  guard  them  o'er  that  stormy  deep 
Where  dissipation's  tempests  sweep: 
Oh,  make  this  inexperienced  pair 
The  objects  of  your  tenderest  care. 
Preserve  them  from  the  languid  eye, 
The  faded  cheek,  the  long-drawn  sigh; 
And  let  it  be  your  constant  aim 
To  keep  the  f air  ones  still  the  same : 
Two  sister  hearts,  unsullied,  bright 
As  the  first  beam  of  lucid  light 
That  sparkled  from  the  youthful  sun, 
When  first  his  jocund  race  begun. 
So  when  these  hearts  shall  burst  their  shrin% 
To  wing  their  flight  to  realms  divine, 
They  may  to  radiant  mansions  rise 
Pure  as  when  first  they  left  the  skies* 


122  SALMAGUNDL 


NO.  X.-SATURDAY,  MAY  16,  1807. 


FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 

THE  long  interval  which  has  elapsed  since  the  publication  of 
our  last  number,  like  many  other  remarkable  events,  has 
given  rise  to  much  conjecture  and  excited  considerable  solici- 
tude. It  is  but  a  day  or  two  since  I  heard  a  knowing  young 
gentleman  observe,  that  he  suspected  Salmagundi  would  be  a 
nine  days'  wonder,  and  had  even  prophesied  that  the  ninth 
would  be  our  last  effort.  But  the  age  of  prophecy,  as  well  as 
that  of  chivalry,  is  past ;  and  no  reasonable  man  should  now 
venture  to  foretell  aught  but  what  he  isjdetermined  to  bring 
about  himself: — he  may  then,  if  he  please,  monopolize  predic- 
tion, and  be  honoured  as  a  prophet  even  in  his  own  country. 

Though  I  hold  whether  we  write,  or  not  write,  to  be  none  of 
the  public's  business,  yet  as  I  have  just  heard  of  the  loss  of 
three  thousand  votes  at  least  to  the  Clintonians,  I  feel  in  a 
remarkably  dulcet  humour  thereupon,  and  will  give  some 
account  of  the  reasons  which  induced  us  to  resume  our  useful 
labours: — or  rather  our  amusement;  for,  if  writing  cost  either 
of  us  a  moment's  labour,  there  is  not  a  man  but  what  would 
hang  up  his  pen,  to  the  great  detriment  of  the  world  at  large, 
and  of  our  publisher  in  particular;  who  has  actually  bought 
himself  a  pair  of  trunk  breeches,  with  the  profits  of  our 
writings ! ! 

He  informs  me  that  several  persons  having  called  last 
Saturday  for  No.  X.,  took  the  disappointment  so  much  to 
heart,  that  he  really  apprehended  some  terrible  catastrophe; 
and  one  good-looking  man,  in  particular,  declared  his  inten- 
tion of  quitting  the  country  if  the  work  was  not  continued. 
Add  to  this,  the  town  has  grown  quite  melancholy  in  the  last 
fortnight;  and  several  young  ladies  have  declared,  in  my 
.hearing,  that  if  another  number  did  not  make  its  appearance 


SALMAG  UNDL  123 

Boon,  they  would  fee  obliged  to  amuse  themselves  with  teasing 
their  beaux  and  making  them  miserable.  Now  I  assure  my 
readers  there  was  no  flattery  in  this,  for  they  no  more  sus- 
pected me  of  being  Launcelot  Langstaff ,  than  they  suspected  me 
of  being  the  emperor  of  China,  or  the  man  in  the  moon. 

I  have  also  received  several  letters  complaining  of  our  indo- 
lent procrastination;  and  one  of  my  correspondents  assures 
me,  that  a  number  of  young  gentlemen,  who  had  not  read  a 
book  through  since  they  left  school,  but  who  have  taken  a 
wonderful  liking  to  our  paper,  will  certainly  relapse  into  their 
old  habits  unless  we  go  on. 

For  the  sake,  therefore,  of  all  these  good  people,  and  most 
especially  for  the  satisfaction  of  the  ladies,  every  one  of  whom 
we  would  love,  if  we  possibly  could,  I  have  again  wielded  my 
pen  with  a  most  hearty  determination  to  set  the  whole  world 
to  rights ;  to  make  cherubims  and  seraphs  of  all  the  fair  ones 
of  this  enchanting  town,  and  raise  the  spirits  of  the  poor 
federalists,  who,  in  truth,  seem  to  be  in  a  sad  taking,  ever 
since  the  American-Ticket  met  with  the  accident  of  being  so 
unhappily  thrown  out. 


TO  LAUNCELOT  LANGSTAFF,  ESQ. 

SIR: — I  felt  myself  hurt  and  offended  by  Mr.  Evergreen's 
terrible  philippic  against  modern  music,  in  No.  II.  of  your 
work,  and  was  under  serious  apprehension  that  his  strictures 
might  bring  the  art,  which  I  have  the  honour  to  profess,  into 
contempt.  The  opinion  of  yourself  and  fraternity  appears 
indeed  to  have  a  wonderful  effect  upon  the  town. — I  am  told 
the  ladies  are  all  employed  in  reading  Bunyan  and  Pamela, 
and  the  waltz  has  been  entirely  forsaken  ever  since  the  winter 
balls  have  closed.  Under  these  apprehensions  I  should  have 
addressed  you  before,  had  I  not  been  sedulously  employed, 
while  the  theatre  continued  open,  in  supporting  the  astonish- 
ing variety  of  the  orchestra,  and  in  composing  a  new  chime  or 
Bob-Major  for  Trinity  Church,  to  be  rung  during  the  summer, 
beginning  with  ding-dong  di-do,  instead  of  di-do  ding-dong. 
The  citizens,  especially  those  who  live  in  the  neighbourhood  of 
that  harmonious  quarter,  will,  no  doubt,  be  infinitely  de- 
lighted with  this  novelty..  __  -  - 


124  SALMAGUNDI. 

But  to  the  object  of  this  communication.  So  far,  sir,  from 
agreeing  with  Mr.  Evergreen  in  thinking  that  all  modern 
music  is  but  the  mere  dregs  and  drainings  of  the  ancient,  I 
trust,  before  this  letter  is  concluded,  I  shall  convince  you  and 
him  that  some  of  the  late  professors  of  this  enchanting  art 
have  completely  distanced  the  paltry  efforts  of  the  ancients ; 
and  that  I,  in  particular,  have  at  length  brought  it  almost  to 
absolute  perfection. 

The  Greeks,  simple  souls !  were  astonished  at  the  powers  of 
Orpheus,  who  made  the  woods  and  rocks  dance  to  his  lyre; 
— of  Amphion,  who  converted  crotchets  into  bricks,  and  qua- 
vers into  mortar; — and  of  Arion,  who  won  upon  the  compas- 
sion of  the  fishes.  In  the  fervency  of  admiration,  their  poets 
fabled  that  Apollo  had  lent  them  his  lyre,  and  inspired  them 
with  his  own  spirit  of  harmony.  What  then  would  they  have 
said  had  they  witnessed  the  wonderful  effects  of  my  skill  ?  had 
they  heard  me  in  the  compass  of  a  single  piece,  describe  in 
glowing  notes  one  of  the  most  sublime  operations  of  nature ; 
and  not  only  make  inanimate  objects  dance,  but  even  speak; 
and  not  only  speak,  but  speak  in  strains  of  exquisite  harmony  ? 

Let  me  not,  however,  be  understood  to  say  that  I  am  the  sole 
author  of  this  extraordinary  improvement  in  the  art,  for  I 
confess  I  took  the  hint  of  many  of  my  discoveries  from  some 
of  those  meritorious  productions  that  have  lately  come  abroad 
and  made  so  much  noise  under  the  title  of  overtures.  From 
some  of  these,  as,  for  instance,  Lodoiska,  and  the  battle  of 
Marengo,  a  gentleman,  or  a  captain  in  the  city  militia,  or  an 
amazonian  young  lady,  may  indeed  acquire  a  tolerable  idea  of 
military  tactics,  and  become  very  well  experienced  in  the  firing 
of  musketry,  the  roaring  of  cannon,  the  rattling  of  drums,  the 
whistling  of  fifes,  braying  of  trumpets,  groans  of  the  dying, 
and  trampling  of  cavalry,  without  ever  going  to  the  wars ;  but 
it  is  more  especially  in  the  art  of  imitating  inimitable  things, 
and  giving  the  language  of  every  passion  and  sentiment  of 
the  human  mind,  so  as  entirely  to  do  away  the  necessity  of 
speech,  that  I  particularly  excel  the  most  celebrated  musicians 
of  ancient  and  modern  times. 

I  think,  sir,  I  may  venture  to  say  there  is  not  a  sound  hi  the 
whole  compass  of  nature  which  I  cannot  imitate,  and  even 
improve  upon;— nay,  what  I  consider  the  perfection  of  my  art, 
I  have  discovered  a  method  of  expressing,  in  the  most  striking 
manner,  that  undefinable,  indescribable  silence  which  accom- 
panies the  f ailing  of  snow.  „  „_ 


'SALMAGUNDI.  125 

In  order  to  prove  to  you  that  I  do  not  arrogate  to  myself 
what  I  am  unable  to  perform,  I  will  detail  to  you  the  different 
movements  of  a  grand  piece  which  I  pride  myself  upon  ex- 
ceedingly, called  the  "Breaking  up  of  the  ice  in  the  North 
Eiver." 

The  piece  opens  with  a  gentle  andante  affetuosso,  which  ush- 
ers you  into  the  assembly-room  in  the  state-house  in  Albany, 
where  the  speaker  addresses  his  farewell  speech,  informing  the 
members  that  the  ice  is  about  breaking  up,  and  thanking  them 
for  their  great  services  and  good  behaviour  in  a  manner  so  pa- 
thetic as  to  bring  tears  into  their  eyes.— Flourish  of  Jacks-a- 
donkies.— Ice  cracks;  Albany  in  a  hub-bub :— air,  "  Three  chil- 
dren sliding  on  the  ice,  all  on  a  summer's  day." — Citizens 

quarrelling  in  Dutch; chorus  of  a  tin  trumpet,  a  cracked 

fiddle,  and  a  hand-saw ! allegro  moderate. — Hard  frost : — this, 

if  given  with  proper  spirit,  has  a  charming  effect,  and  sets 
every  body's  teeth  chattering. — Symptoms  of  snow — consulta- 
tion of  old  women  who  complain  of  pains  in  the  bones  and 

rheumatics; air,  "There  was  an  old  woman  tossed  up  in  a 

blanket,"  &c. allegro  staccato ;  wagon  breaks  into  the  ice; 

— people  all  run  to  see  what  is  the  matter ; air,  siciliano — 

"Can  you  row  the  boat  ashore,  Billy  boy,  Billy  boy;"— an- 
dante;— frost  fish  froze  up  in  the  ice; air, — "  Ho,  why  dost 

thou  shiver  and  shake,  Gaffer  Gray,  and  why  does  thy  nose 

look  so  blue  ?" Flourish  of  two-penny  trumpets  and  rattlers; 

— consultation  of  the  North-river  society ; — determine  to  set  the 
North-river  on  fire,  as  soon  as  it  will  burn;— air,  "O,  what  a 
fine  kettle  of  fish." 

Part  II.— GREAT  THAW.— This  consists  of  the  most  melting 
strains,  flowing  so  smoothly  as  to  occasion  a  great  overflowing 
of  scientific  rapture;  air — "  One  misty  moisty  morning."  The 
house  of  assembly  breaks  up— air— "The  owls  came  out  and 
flew  about." Assembly-men  embark  on  their  way  to  New- 
York air "The  ducks  and  the  geese  they  all  swam  over, 

fal,  de  ral,"  &c. Vessel  sets  sail— chorus  of  mariners— 

"Steer  her  up,  and  let  her  gang."  After  this  a  rapid  move- 
ment conducts  you  to  New  York ; — the  North-river  society  hold 
a  meeting  at  the  corner  of  Wall-street,  and  determine  to  delay 
burning  till  all  the  assembly-men  are  safe  home,  for  fear  of 
consuming  some  of  their  own  members  who  belong  to  that  re- 
spectable body.  Return  again  to  the  capital. — Ice  floats  down 
the  river;  lamentation  of  skaters;  air,  affetuosso— " I  sigh  and 
lament  me  in  vain,"  &c. — Albanians  cutting  up  sturgeon; — air. 


126  SALMAGUNDI. 

"O  the  roast  beef  of  Albany." — Ice  runs  against  Polopoy's 
island,  with  a  terrible  crash.— This  is  represented  by  a  fierce 
fellow  travelling  with  his  fiddle-stick  over  a  huge  bass  viol,  at 
the  ratetof  one  hundred  and  fifty  bars  a  minute,  and  tearing  the 
music  to  rags; — this  being  what  is  called  execution. — The  great 
body  of  ice  passes  West-point,  and  is  saluted  by  three  or  four 
dismounted  cannon,  from  Fort  Putnam. — "Jefferson's  march" 
by  a  full  band; — air,  "Yankee  doodle,"  with  seventy -six  varia- 
tions, never  before  attempted,  except  by  the  celebrated  eagle, 
which  flutters  his  wings  over  the  copper-bottomed  angel  at 
Messrs.  Paff' s  in  Broadway.  Ice  passes  New- York :  conch-shell 
sounds  at  a  distance — ferrymen  calls  o-v-e-r ; — people  run  down 

Courtlandt-street — ferry-boat  sets  sail air — accompanied  b;~ 

the  conch-shell— "  We'll  all  go  over  the  f  erry . "— Kondeau— 
giving  a  particular  account  of  BROM  the  Powles-hook  admiral, 
who  is  supposed  to  be  closely  connected  with  the  North-river 
society.— The  society  make  a  grand  attempt  to  fire  the  stream, 
but  are  utterly  defeated  by  a  remarkable  high  tide,  which 
brings  the  plot  to  light;  drowns  upwards  of  a  thousand  rats, 
and  occasions  twenty  robins  to  break  their  necks.* — Society 
not  being  discouraged,  apply  to  "  Common  Sense,"  for  his  lan- 
tern;  Air — "Nose,  nose,  jolly  red  nose."  Flock  of  wild 

geese  fly  over  the  city ;— old  wives  chatter  in  the  fog— cocks 
crow  at  Communipaw — drums  beat  on  Governor's  island. — 
The  whole  to  conclude  with  the  blowing  up  of  Sand's  powder- 
house. 

Thus,  sir,  you  perceive  what  wonderful  powers  of  expression 
have  been  hitherto  locked  up  in  this  enchanting  art : — a  whole 
history  is  here  told  without  the  aid  of  speech,  or  writing;  and 
provided  the  hearer  is  in  the  least  acquainted  with  music,  he 
cannot  mistake  a  single  note.  As  to  the  blowing  up  of  the 
powder-house,  I  look  upon  it  as  a  chef  d'ouvre,  which  I  am 
confident  will  delight  all  modern  amateurs,  who  very  properly 
estimate  music  in  proportion  to  the  noise  it  makes,  and  delight 
in  thundering  cannon  and  earthquakes. 

I  must  confess,  however,  it  is  a  difficult  part  to  manage,  and 
I  have  already  broken  six  pianos  in  giving  it  the  proper  force 
and  effect.  But  I  do  not  despair,  and  am  quite  certain  that  by 
the  time  I  have  broken  eight  or  ten  more,  I  shall  have  brought 
it  to  such  perfection,  as  to  be  able  to  teach  any  young  lady  of 
tolerable  ear,  to  thunder  it  away  to  the  iafinite  delight  of  papa 

*Vide-SolomonLang. 


SALMAGUNDI.  127 

and  mamma,  and  the  great  annoyance  of  those  Vandals,  who 
are  so  barbarous  as  to  prefer  the  simple  melody  of  a  Scots  air, 
to  the  sublime  effusions  of  modern  musical  doctors. 

In  my  warm  anticipations  of  future  improvement,  I  have 
sometimes  almost  convinced  myself  that  music  will,  in  time, 
be  brought  to  such  a  climax  of  perfection,  as  to  supersede  the 
necessity  of  speech  and  writing;  and  every  kind  of  social 
intercourse  be  conducted  by  the  flute  and  fiddle. — The  immense 
benefits  that  will  result  from  this  improvement  must  be  plain 
to  every  man  of  the  least  consideration.  In  the  present  un- 
happy situation  of  mortals,  a  man  has  but  one  way  of  making 
himself  perfectly  understood;  if  he  loses  his  speech,  he  must 
inevitably  be  dumb  all  the  rest  of  his  life;  but  having  once 
learned  this  new  musical  language,  the  loss  of  speech  will  be  a 
mere  trifle  not  worth  a  moment's  uneasiness.  Not  only  this, 
Mr.  L.,  but  it  will  add  much  to  the  harmony  of  domestic  inter- 
course ;  for  it  is  certainly  much  more  agreeable  to  hear  a  lady 
give  lectures  on  the  piano  than,  viva  voce,  in  the  usual  discord, 
ant  measure.  This  manner  of  discoursing  may  also,  I  think, 
be  introduced  with  great  effect  into  our  national  assemblies, 
where  every  man,  instead  of  wagging  his  tongue,  should  be 
obliged  to  flourish  a  fiddle-stick,  by  which  means,  if  he  said 
nothing  to  the  purpose,  he  would,  at  all  events,  "discourse 
most  eloquent  music,"  which  is  more  than  can  be  said  of  most 
of  them  at  present.  They  might  also  sound  their  own  trumpets 
without  being  obliged  to  a  hireling  scribbler,  for  an  immortality 
of  nine  days,  or  subjected  to  the  censure  of  egotism. 

But  the  most  important  result  of  this  discovery  is  that  it 
may  be  applied  to  the  establishment  of  that  great  desideratum, 
in  the  learned  world,  a  universal  language.  Wherever  this 
science  of  music  is  cultivated,  nothing  more  will  be  necessary 
than  a  knowledge  of  its  alphabet;  which  being  almost  the 
same  everywhere,  will  amount  to  a  universal  medium  of  com- 
munication. A  man  may  thus,  with  his  violin  under  his  arm, 
a  piece  of  rosin,  and  a  few  bundles  of  catgut,  fiddle  his  way 
through  the  world,  and  never  be  at  a  loss  to  make  himself 
understood. 

I  am,  etc. 

DEMY  SEMIQUAVER. 


[END  OF  VOL.  ONE.] 


SALMAGUNDI 


VOLUME  TWO. 


NOTE  BY  THE  PUBLISHER. 

Without  the  knowledge  or  permission  of  the  authors,  and  which,  if  he  dared,  ho 
•would  have  placed  near  where  their  remarks  are  made  on  the  great  difference  of 
manners  which  exists  between  the  sexes  now,  from  what  it  did  in  the  days  of  our 
grandames.  The  danger  of  that  cheek-by-jowl  familiarity  of  the  present  day,  must 
be  obvious  to  many ;  and  I  think  the  following  a  strong  example  of  one  of  its  evils. 

EXTRACTED  FROM    "THE  MIRROR  OF   THE  GRACES." 

"  I  REMEMBER  the  Count  M ,  one  of  the  most  accomplished 

and  handsomest  young  men  in  Vienna ;  when  I  was  there  he 
was  passionately  in  love  with  a  girl  of  almost  peerless  beauty. 
Sbe  was  the  daughter  of  a  man  of  great  rank,  and  great  influ- 
ence at  court ;  and  on  these  considerations,  as  well  as  in  regard 
to  her  charms,  she  was  followed  by  a  multitude  of  suitors. 
She  was  lively  and  amiable,  and  treated  them  all  with  an  affa- 
bility which  still  kept  them  in  her  train,  although  it  was  gener- 
ally known  she  had  avowed  a  partiality  for  Count  M ;  and 

that  preparations  were  making  for  their  nuptials.  The  Count 
was  of  a  refined  mind,  and  a  delicate  sensibility ;  he  loved  her 
for  herself  alone:  for  the  virtues  which  he  believed  dwelt  in 
her  beautiful  form ;  and,  like  a  lover  of  such  perfections,  he 
never  approached  her  without  timidity ;  and  when  he  touched 
her,  a  fire  shot  through  his  veins,  that  warned  him  not  to 
invade  the  vermillion  sanctuary  of  her  lips.  Such  were  his 
feelings  when,  one  evening,  at  his  intended  father-in-law's,  a 
party  of  young  people  were  met  to  celebrate  a  certain  festival ; 
several  of  the  young  lady's  rejected  suitors  were  present.  For- 
feits were  one  of  the  pastimes,  and  all  went  on  with  the  great- 
est merriment,  till  the  Count  was  commanded,  by  some  witty 


130  tiALMAGUNDL 

mam'selle,  to  redeem  his  glove  by  saluting  the  cheek  of  his 
intended  bride.  The  Count  blushed,  trembled,  advanced, 
retreated;  again  advanced  to  his  mistress;— and,— at  last,— 
with  a  tremor  that  shook  his  whole  soul,  and  every  fibre  of  his 
frame,  with  a  modest  and  diffident  grace,  he  took  the  soft 
ringlet  which  played  upon  her  cheek,  pressed  it  to  his  lips,  and 
retired  to  demand  his  redeemed  pledge  in  the  most  evident 
confusion.  His  mistress  gaily  smiled,  and  the  game  went  on. 

"One  of  her  rejected  suitors  who  was  of  a  merry,  unthink- 
ing disposition,  was  adjudged  by  the  same  indiscreet  crier  of 
the  forfeits  as  "his  last  treat  before  he  hanged  himself  "to 
snatch  a  kiss  from  the  object  of  his  recent  vows.  A  lively  con- 
test ensued  between  the  gentleman  and  lady,  which  lasted  for 
more  than  a  minute ;  but  the  lady  yielded,  though  in  the  midst 
of  a  convulsive  laugh. 

"The  Count  had  the  mortification — the  agony — to  see  the 
lips,  which  his  passionate  and  delicate  love  would  not  permit 
him  to  touch,  kissed  with  roughness,  and  repetition,  by 
another  man :— even  by  one  whom  he  really  despised.  Mourn- 
fully and  silently,  without  a  word,  he  rose  from  his  chair— left 
the  room  and  the  house.  By  that  good-natured  kiss  the  fair 
boast  of  Vienna  lost  her  lover— lost  her  husband.  THE  COUNT 

NEVER  SAW  HER  MORH-" 


SALMAGUNDI.  131 


NO.  XL-TUESDAY,  JUNE  2,  1807. 


LETTER    FROM    MUSTAPHA  RUB-A-DUB  KELI  KHAN, 

CAPTAIN    OF    A    KETCH,    TO    ASEM    HACCHEM,    PRINCIPAL    SLAVE- 
DRIVER  TO  HIS  HIGHNESS  THE  BASHAW  OF  TRIPOLI. 

THE  deep  shadows  of  midnight  gather  around  me ; — the  foot- 
steps of  the  passengers  have  ceased  in  the  streets,  and  nothing 
disturbs  the  holy  silence  of  the  hour  save  the  sound  of  distant 
drums,  mingled  with  the  shouts,  the  bawlings,  and  the  discord- 
ant revelry  of  his  majesty,  the  sovereign  mob.  Let  the  hour 
be  sacred  to  friendship,  and  consecrated  to  thee,  oh,  thou 
brother  of  my  inmost  soul ! 

Oh,  Asem !  I  almost  shrink  at  the  recollection  of  the  scenes 
of  confusion,  of  licentious  disorganization,  which  I  have  wit- 
nessed during  the  last  three  days.  I  have  beheld  this  whole 
city,  nay,  this  whole  state,  given  up  to  the  tongue,  and  the 
pen ;  to  the  puffers,  the  bawlers,  the  babblers,  and  the  slang- 
whangers.  I  have  beheld  the  community  convulsed  with  a 
civil  war,  or  civil  talk ;  individuals  verbally  massacred,  fami 
lies  annihilated  by  whole  sheets  full,  and  slang- whan  gers  coolly 
bathing  their  pens  in  ink  and  rioting  in  the  slaughter  of  their 
thousands.  I  have  seen,  in  short,  that  awful  despot,  the  peo- 
ple, in  the  moment  of  unlimited  power,  wielding  newspapers 
in  one  hand,  and  with  the  other  scattering  mud  and  filth 
about,  like  some  desperate  lunatic  relieved  from  the  restraints 
of  his  straight  waistcoat.  I  have  seen  beggars  on  horseback, 
ragamuffins  riding  in  coaches,  and  swine  seated  in  places  of 
honour ;  I  have  seen  liberty ;  I  have  seen  equality ;  I  have  seen 
fraternity! — I  have  seen  that  great  political  puppet-show 

AN  ELECTION. 

A  few  days  ago  the  friend,  whom  I  have  mentioned  in  some 
of  my  former  letters,  called  upon  me  to  accompany  hi"*  to 


132  SALMAGUNDI. 

witness  this  grand  ceremony;  and  we  forthwith  sallied  out  to 
the  polls,  as  he  called  them.  Though  for  several  weeks  before 
this  splendid  exhibition,  nothing  else  had  been  talked  of,  yet  I 
do  assure  thee  I  was  entirely  ignorant  of  its  nature ;  and  when, 
on  coming  up  to  a  church,  my  companion  informed  me  we 
were  at  the  poll,  I  supposed  that  an  election  was  some  great 
religious  ceremony  like  the  fast  of  Ramazan,  or  the  great  fes- 
tival of  Haraphat,  so  celebrated  in  the  east. 

My  friend,  however,  undeceived  me  at  once,  and  entered 
into  a  long  dissertation  on  the  nature  and  object  of  an  elec- 
tion, the  substance  of  which  was  nearly  to  this  effect:  "You 
know,"  said  he,  "that  this  country  is  engaged  in  a  violent  in- 
ternal warfare,  and  suffers  a  variety  of  evils  from  civil  dissen- 
sions. An  election  is  a  grand  trial  of  strength,  the  decisive 
battle,  when  the  belligerents  draw  out  their  forces  in  martial 
array ;  when  every  leader,  burning  with  warlike  ardour,  and 
encouraged  by  the  shouts  and  acclamations  of  tatterdemalions, 
buffoons,  dependents,  parasites,  toad  eaters,  scrubs,  vagrants, 
mumpers,  ragamuffins,  bravoes,  and  beggars,  in  his  rear;  and 
puffed  up  by  his  bellows-blowing  slang- whangers,  waves  gal- 
lantly the  banners  of  faction,  and  presses  forward  TO  OFFICE 

AND  IMMORTALITY ! 

"  For  a  month  or  two  previous  to  the  critical  period  which  is 
to  decide  this  important  affair,  the  whole  community  is  in  a 
ferment.  Every  man,  of  whatever  rank  or  degree,  such  is  the 
wonderful  patriotism  of  the  people,  disinterestedly  neglects  his 
business,  to  devote  himself  to  his  country ; — and  not  an  insig- 
nificant fellow,  but  feels  himself  inspired,  on  this  occasion, 
with  as  much  warmth  in  favour  of  the  cause  he  has  espoused, 
as  if  all  the  comfort  of  his  life,  or  even  his  life  itself,  was  de- 
pendent on  the  issue.  Grand  councils  of  war  are,  in  the  first 
place,  called  by  the  different  powers,  which  are  dubbed  gen- 
eral meetings,  where  all  the  head  workmen  of  the  party  col- 
lect, and  arrange  the  order  of  battle; — appoint  the  different 
commanders,  and  their  subordinate  instruments,  and  furnish 
the  funds  indispensable  for  supplying  the  expenses  of  the  war. 
Inferior  councils  are  next  called  in  the  different  classes  or 
wards;  consisting  of  young  cadets,  who  are  candidates  for 
offices ;  idlers  who  come  there  for  mere  curiosity ;  and  orators 
who  appear  for  the  purpose  of  detailing  all  the  crimes,  the 
faults,  or  the  weaknesses  of  their  opponents,  and  speaking  the 
sense  of  the  meeting,  as  it  is  called ;  for  as  the  meeting  gen- 
erally consists  of  men  whose  quota  of  sense,  taken  individually 


BALM  A  G  UNDL  133 

would  make  but  a  poor  figure,  these  orators  are  appointed  to 
collect  it  all  in  a  lump ;  when  I  assure  you  it  makes  a  very 
formidable  appearance,  and  furnishes  sufficient  matter  to  spin 
an  oration  of  two  or  three  hours. 

"The  orators  who  declaim  at  these  meetings  are,  with  a 
few  exceptions,  men  of  most  profound  and  perplexed  elo. 
quence ;  who  are  the  oracles  of  barbers'  shops,  market-places, 
and  porter-houses;  and  who  you  may  see  everyday  at  the 
comers  of  the  streets,  taking  honest  men  prisoners  by  the  but- 
ton, and  talking  their  ribs  quite  bare  without  mercy  and  with- 
out end.  These  orators,  in  addressing  an  audience,  generally 
mount  a  chair,  a  table,  or  an  empty  beer  barrel,  which  last  is 
supposed  to  afford  considerable  inspiration,  and  thunder  away 
their  combustible  sentiments  at  the  heads  of  the  audience, 
who  are  generally  so  busily  employed  in  smoking,  drinking, 
and  hearing  themselves  talk,  that  they  seldom  hear  a  word  of 
the  matter.  This,  however,  is  of  little  moment;  for  as  they 
come  there  to  agree  at  all  events  to  a  certain  set  of  resolutions, 
or  articles  of  war,  it  is  not  at  all  necessary  to  hear  the  speech ; 
more  especially  as  few  would  understand  it  if  they  did.  Do 
not  suppose,  however,  that  the  minor  persons  of  the  meeting 
are  entirely  idle. — Besides  smoking  and  drinking,  which  are 
generally  practised,  there  are  few  who  do  not  come  with  as 
great  a  desire  to  talk  as  the  orator  himself ;  each  has  his  little 
circle  of  Listeners,  in  the  midst  of  whom  he  sets  his  hat  on  one 
side  of  his  head,  and  deals  out  matter-of-fact  information ;  and 
draws  self-evident  conclusions,  with  the  pertinacity  of  a  ped- 
ant, and  to  the  great  edification  of  his  gaping  auditors.  Nay, 
the  very  urchins  from  the  nursery,  who  are  scarcely  eman- 
cipated from  the  dominion  of  birch,  on  these  occasions  strut 
pigmy  great  men ; — bellow  for  the  instruction  of  gray -bearded 
ignorance,  and,  like  the  frog  in  the  fable,  endeavour  to  puff 
themselves  up  to  the  size  of  the  great  object  of  their  emulation 
—the  principal  orator." 

" But  is  it  not  preposterous  to  a  degree,"  cried  I,  "for  those 
puny  whipsters  to  attempt  to  lecture  age  and  experience? 
They  should  be  sent  to  school  to  learn  better."  "Not  at  all," 
replied  my  friend;  "  for  as  an  election  is  nothing  more  than  a 
war  of  words,  the  man  that  can  wag  his  tongue  with  the 
greatest  elasticity,  whether  ho  speaks  to  the  purpose  or  not, 
is  entitled  to  lecture  at  ward  meetings  and  polls,  and  instruct 
all  who  are  inclined  to  listen  to  him :  you  may  have  remarked 
a  ward  meeting  of  politic  dogs,  where  although  the  great  dog 


134  SALMAGUNDI. 

is,  ostensibly,  the  leader,  and  makes  the  most  noise,  yet  every 
little  scoundrel  of  a  cur  has  something  to  say ;  and  in  propor- 
tion to  his  insignificance,  fidgets,  and  worries,  and  puffs  about 
mightily,  in  order  to  obtain  the  notice  and  approbation  of  his 
betters.  Thus  it  is  with  these  little,  beardless,  bread-and-but- 
ter politicians  who,  on  this  occasion,  escape  from  the  jurisdic- 
tion of  their  mammas  to  attend  to  the  afters  of  the  nation. 
You  will  see  them  engaged  in  dreadful  wordy  contest  with  old 
cartmen,  cobblers,  and  tailors,  and  plume  themselves  not  a  lit- 
tle if  they  should  chance  to  gain  a  victory. — Aspiring  spirits! 
how  interesting  are  the  first  dawnings  of  political  greatness ! 
an  election,  my  friend,  is  a  nursery  or  hot-bed  of  genius  in  a 
logocracy;  and  I  look  with  enthusiasm  on  a  troop  of  these 
Lilliputian  partisans,  as  so  many  chatterers,  and  orators,  and 
puffers,  and  slang-whangers  in  embryo,  who  will  one  day  take 
an  important  part  in  the  quarrels,  and  wordy  wars  of  their 
country. 

"As  the  time  for  fighting  the  decisive  battle  approaches,  ap- 
pearances become  more  and  more  alarming;  committees  are 
appointed,  who  hold  little  encampments  from  whence  they 
send  out  small  detachments  of  tattlers,  to  reconnoitre,  harass, 
and  skirmish  with  the  enemy,  and  if  possible,  ascertain  their 
numbers ;  every  body  seems  big  with  the  mighty  event  that  is 
impending;  the  orators  they  gradually  swell  up  beyond  their 
usual  size;  the  little  orators  they  grow  greater  and  greater; 
the  secretaries  of  the  ward  committees  strut  about  looking  like 
wooden  oracles ;  the  puffers  put  on  the  airs  of  mighty  conse- 
quence; the  slang-whangers  deal  out  direful  innuendoes,  and 
threats  of  doughty  import;  and  all  is  buzz,  murmur,  suspense, 
and  sublimity  I 

"At  length  the  day  arrives.  The  storm  that  has  been  so 
long  gathering,  and  threatening  in  distant  thunders,  bursts 
forth  in  terrible  explosion :  all  business  is  at  an  end ;  the  whole 
city  is  in  a  tumult ;  the  people  are  running  helter-skelter,  they 
know  not  whither,  and  they  know  not  why;  the  hackney 
coaches  rattle  through  the  streets  with  thundering  vehe- 
mence, loaded  with  recruiting  Serjeants  who  have  been  prowl- 
ing in  cellars  and  caves,  to  unearth  some  miserable  minion  of 
poverty  and  ignorance,  who  will  barter  his  vote  for  a  glass  of 
beer,  or  a  ride  in  a  coach  with  such  fine  gentlemen  /—the  buz- 
zards of  the  party  scamper  from  poll  to  poll,  on  foot  or  on 
horseback ;  and  they  worry  from  committee  to  committee,  and 
buzz,  and  fume,  and  talk  big,  and— do  nothing:  like  the  vaga- 


SALMAGUNDI.  135 

bond  drone,  who  wastes  his  time  in  the  laborious  idleness  of 
see-saw-song,  and  busy  nothingness." 

I  know  not  how  long  my  friend  would  have  continued  his 
detail,  had  he  not  been  interrupted  by  a  squabble  which  took 
placej  between  two  old  continentals,  as  they  were  called.  It 
seems  they  had  entered  into  an  argument  on  the  respective 
merits  of  their  cause,  and  not  being  able  to  make  each  other 
clearly  understood,  resorted  to  what  is  called  knock-down  ar- 
guments, which  form  the  superlative  degree  of  argumentum 
ad  hominem ;  but  are,  in  my  opinion,  extremely  inconsistent 
with  the  true  spirit  of  a  genuine  logocracy.  After  they  had 
beaten  each  other  soundly,  and  set  the  whole  mob  together  by 
the  ears,  they  came  to  a  full  explanation ;  when  it  was  discov- 
ered that  they  were  both  of  the  same  way  of  thinking ; — where- 
upon they  shook  each  other  heartily  by  the  hand,  and  laughed 
with  great  glee  at  their  humorous  misunderstanding. 

I  could  not  help  being  struck  with  the  exceeding  great  num- 
ber of  ragged,  dirty-looking  persons  that  swaggered  about  the 
place  and  seemed  to  think  themselves  the  bashaws  of  the  land. 
I  inquired  of  my  friend,  if  these  people  were  employed  to  drive 
away  the  hogs,  dogs,  and  other  intruders  that  might  thrust 
themselves  in  and  interrupt  the  ceremony?  "By  no  means," 
replied  he;  "these  are  the  representatives  of  the  sovereign 
people,  who  come  here  to  make  governors,  senators,  and  mem- 
bers of  assembly,  and  are  the  source  of  all  power  and  authority 
in  this  nation."  "Preposterous!"  said  I,  "how  is  it  possible 
that  such  men  can  be  capable  of  distinguishing  between  an 
honest  man  and  a  knave;  or  even  if  they  were,  will  it  not 
always  happen  that  they  are  led  by  the  nose  by  some  intrig- 
uing demagogue,  and  made  the  mere  tools  of  ambitious  political 
jugglers?  Surely  it  would  be  better  to  trust  to  providence,  or 
even  to  chance,  for  governors,  than  resort  to  the  discriminat- 
ing powers  of  an  ignorant  mob. — I  plainly  perceive  the  con- 
sequence. A  man  who  possesses  superior  talents,  and  that 
honest  pride  which  ever  accompanies  this  possession,  will  al- 
ways be  sacrificed  to  some  creeping  insect  who  will  prostitute 
himself  to  familiarity  with  the  lowest  of  mankind ;  and,  like 
the  idolatrous  Egyptian,  worship  the  wallowing  tenants  of 
filth  and  mire." 

"  All  this  is  true  enough,"  replied  my  friend,  "but  after  all, 
you  cannot  say  but  that  this  is  a  free  country,  and  that  the 
people  can  get  dnink  cheaper  here,  particularly  at  elections, 
than  in  the  despotic  countries  of  the  east,"  I  could  not,  with 


136  SALMAGUNDI. 

any  degree  of  propriety  or  truth,  deny  this  last  assertion ;  for 
just  at  that  moment  a  patriotic  brewer  arrived  with  a  load  of 
beer,  which,  for  a  moment,  occasioned  a  cessation  of  argu- 
ment.  The  great  crowd  of  buzzards,  puffers,  and  "old  con- 
tinentals "  of  all  parties,  who  throng  to  the  polls,  to  persuade, 
to  cheat,  or  to  force  the  freeholders  into  the  right  way,  and  to 
maintain  the  freedom  of  suffrage,  seemed  for  a  moment  to^for- 
get  their  antipathies  and  joined,  heartily,  in  a  copious  Hbation 
of  this  patriotic  and  argumentative  beverage. 

These  beer-barrels  indeed  seem  to  be  most  able  logicians, 
well  stored  with  that  kind  of  sound  argument  best  suited  to 
the  comprehension,  and  most  relished  by  the  mob,  or  sovereign 
people ;  who  are  never  so  tractable  as  when  operated  upon  by 
this  convincing  liquor,  which,  in  fact,  seems  to  be  imbued 
with  the  very  spirit  of  a  logocracy.  No  sooner  does  it  begin 
its  operation,  than  the  tongue  waxes  exceeding  valorous,  and 
becomes  impatient  for  some  mighty  conflict.  The  puffer  puts 
himself  at  the  head  of  his  body-guard  of  buzzards,  and  his 
legion  of  ragamuffins,  and  wo  then  to  every  unhappy  adver- 
sary who  is  uninspired  by  the  deity  of  the  beer-barrel — he  ip 
sure  to  be  talked  and  argued  into  complete  insignificance, 

While  I  was  making  these  observations,  I  was  surprised  to 
observe  a  bashaw,  high  in  office,  shaking  a  fellow  by  the  hand, 
that  looked  rather  more  ragged  than  a  scare-crow,  and  inquir- 
ing with  apparent  solicitude  concerning  the  health  of  his 
family;  after  which  he  slipped  a  little  folded  paper  into  his 
hand,  and  turned  away.  I  could  not  help  applauding  his 
humility  in  shaking  the  fellow's  hand,  and  his  benevolence  in 
relieving  his  distresses,  for  I  imagined  the  paper  contained 
something  for  the  poor  man's  necessities ;  and  truly  he  seemed 
verging  towards  the  last  stage  of  starvation.  My  friend,  how- 
ever, soon  undeceived  me  by  saying  that  this  was  an  elector, 
and  that  the  bashaw  had  merely  given  him  the  list  of  candi- 
dates for  whom  he  was  to  vote.  "Ho!  ho!"  said  I,  "then  he 
is  a  particular  friend  of  the  bashaw?"  "  By  no  means,"  replied 
my  friend,  "the  bashaw  will  pass  him  without  notice  the  day 
after  the  election,  except,  perhaps,  just  to  drive  over  him  with 
his  coach." 

My  friend  then  proceeded  to  inform  me  that  for  some  time 
before,  and  during  the  continuance  of  an  election,  there  was  a 
most  delectable  courtship,  or  intrigue,  carried  on  between  the 
great  bashaws  and  the  mother  mob.  That  mother  mob  gener- 
ally preferred  the  attentions  of  the  rabble,  or  of  fellows  of  her 


SALMAGUNDI.  137 

own  stamp ;  but  would  sometimes  condescend  to  be  treated  to  a 
feasting,  or  any  thing  of  that  kind,  at  the  bashaw's  expense ; 
nay,  sometimes  when  she  was  in  good  humour,  she  would  con- 
descend to  toy  with  them  in  her  rough  way : — but  wo  be  to  the 
bashaw  who  attempted  to  be  familiar  with  her,  for  she  was  the 
most  pestilent,  cross,  crabbed,  scolding,  thieving,  scratching, 
toping,  wrong-headed,  rebellious,  and  abominable  termagant 
that  ever  was  let  loose  in  the  world,  to  the  confusion  of  honest 
gentlemen  bashaws. 

Just  then  a  fellow  came  round  and  distributed  among  the 
crowd  a  number  of  hand-bills,  written  by  the  ghost  of  Wash- 
ington, the  fame  of  whose  illustrious  actions,  and  still  more 
illustrious  virtues,  has  reached  even  the  remotest  regions  of 
the  east,  and  who  is  venerated  by  this  people  as  the  Father  of 
his  country.  On  reading  this  paltry  paper,  I  could  not  re- 
strain my  indignation.  "Insulted  hero,"  cried  I,  "is  it  thus 
thy  name  is  profaned,  thy  memory  disgraced,  thy  spirit  drawn 
down  from  heaven  to  administer  to  the  brutal  violence  of 
party  rage ! — It  is  thus  the  necromancers  of  the  east,  by  their 
infernal  incantations,  sometimes  call  up  the  shades  of  the  just, 
to  give  their  sanction  to  frauds,  to  lies,  and  to  every  species  of 
enormity."  My  friend  smiled  at  my  warmth,  and  observed, 
that  raising  ghosts,  and  not  only  raising  them,  but  making  them 
speak,  was  one  of  the  miracles  of  elections.  "And  believe 
me,"  continued  he,  "there  is  good  reason  for  the  ashes  of 
departed  heroes  being  disturbed  on  these  occasions,  for  such 
is  the  sandy  foundation  of  our  government,  that  there  never 
happens  an  election  of  an  alderman,  or  a  collector,  or  even  a 
constable,  but  we  are  in  imminent  danger  of  losing  our  liber- 
ties, and  becoming  a  province  of  France,  or  tributary  to  the 
British  islands."  "By  the  hump  of  Mahomet's  camel,"  said  I, 
"but  this  is  only  another  striking  example  of  the  prodigious 
great  scale  on  which  every  thing  is  transacted  in  this  country !" 

By  this  time,  I  had  become  tired  of  the  scene;  my  head 
ached  with  the  uproar  of  voices,  mingling  in  all  the  discordant 
tones  of  triumphant  exclamation,  nonsensical  argument,  in- 
temperate reproach,  and  drunken  absurdity. — The  confusion 
was  such  as  no  language  can  adequately  describe,  and  it  seemed 
as  if  all  the  restraints  of  decency,  and  all  the  bands  of  law, 
had  been  broken,  and  given  place  to  the  wide  ravages  of  licen- 
tious brutality.  These,  thought  I,  are  the  orgies  of  liberty! 
these  are  the  manifestations  of  the  spirit  of  independence! 
these  are  the  symbols  of  man's  sovereignty !  Head  of  Maho. 


138  SALMAGUNDI 

met!  with  what  a  fatal  and  inexorable  despotism  do  empty 
names  and  ideal  phantoms  exercise  their  dominion  over  the 
human  mind  1  The  experience  of  ages  has  demonstrated,  that 
in  all  nations,  barbarous  or  enlightened,  the  mass  of  the  people, 
the  mob,  must  be  slaves,  or  they  will  be  tyrants;  but  their 
tyranny  will  not  be  long:— some  ambitious  leader,  having  at 
first  condescended  to  be  their  slave,  will  at  length  become  their 
master;  and  in  proportion  to  the  vileness  of  his  former  servi- 
tude, will  be  the  severity  of  his  subsequent  tyranny. — Yet, 
with  innumerable  examples  staring  them  in  the  face,  the 
people  still  bawl  out  liberty ;  by  which  they  mean  nothing  but 
freedom  from  every  species  of  legal  restraint,  and  a  warrant 
for  all  kinds  of  licentiousness :  and  the  bashaws  and  leaders, 
in  courting  the  mob,  convince  them  of  their  power;  and  by 
administering  to  their  passions,  for  the  purposes  of  ambition, 
at  length  learn,  by  fatal  experience,  that  he  who  worships  the 
beast  that  carries  him  on  his  back,  will  sooner  or  later  be 
thrown  into  the  dust  and  trampled  under  foot  by  the  animal 
who  has  learnt  the  secret  of  its  power  by  this  very  adoration. 

Ever  thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 


FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 

MINE   UNCLE  JOHN. 

To  those  whose  habits  of  abstraction  may  have  led  them 
into  some  of  the  secrets  of  their  own  minds,  and  whose  free- 
dom from  daily  toil  has  left  them  at  leisure  to  analyze  their 
feelings,  it  will  be  nothing  new  to  say  that  the  present  is  pecu- 
liarly the  season  of  remembrance.  The  flowers,  the  zephyrs, 
and  the  warblers  of  spring,  returning  after  their  tedious  ab- 
sence, bring  naturally  to  our  recollection  past  times  and  buried 
feelings;  and  the  whispers  of  the  full-foliaged  grove,  fall  on 
the  ear  of  contemplation,  like  the  sweet  tones  of  far  distant 
friends  whom  the  rude  j  ostlers  of  the  world  have  severed  from 
us  and  cast  far  beyond  our  reach.  It  is  at  such  times,  that 
casting  backward  many  a  lingering  look  we  recall,  with  a 
kind  of  sweet-souled  melancholy,  the  days  of  our  youth,  and 
the  jocund  companions  who  started  with  us  the  race  of  life, 
but  parted  midway  in  the  journey  to  pursue  some  winding 


SALMAGUNDI.  139 

path  that  allured  them  with  a  prospect  more  seducing— and 
never  returned  to  us  again.  It  is  then,  too,  if  we  have  been 
afflicted  with  any  heavy  sorrow,  if  we  have  even  lost — and 
who  has  not! — an  old  friend,  or  chosen  companion,  that  his 
shade  will  ;hover  around  us ;  the  memory  of  his  virtues  press 
on  the  heart ;  and  a  thousand  endearing  recollections,  forgotten 
amidst  the  cold  pleasures  and  midnight  dissipations  of  winter, 
arise  to  our  remembrance. 

These  speculations  bring  to  my  mind  MY  UNCLE  JOHN,  the 
history  of  whose  loves,  and  disappointments,  I  have  promised 
to  the  world.  Though  I  must  own  myself  much  addicted  to 
forgetting  my  promises,  yet,  as  I  have  been  so  happily  re- 
minded of  this,  I  believe  I  must  pay  it  at  once,  "and  there  is 
an  end."  Lest  my  readers — good-natured  souls  that  they  are! 
— should,  in  the  ardour  of  peeping  into  millstones,  take  my 
uncle  for  an  old  acquaintance,  I  here  inform  them,  that  the 
old  gentleman  died  a  great  many  years  ago,  and  it  is  impossi- 
ble they  should  ever  have  known  him :— I  pity  them— for  they 
would  have  known  a  good-natured,  benevolent  man,  whose 
example  might  have  been  of  service. 

The  last  time  I  saw  my  uncle  John  was  fifteen  years  ago, 
when  I  paid  him  a  visit  at  his  old  mansion.  I  found  him  read- 
ing  a  newspaper — for  it  was  election  time,  and  he  was  always 
a  warm  federalist,  and  had  made  several  converts  to  the  true 
political  faith  in  his  time ; — particularly  one  old  tenant,  who 
always,  just  before  the  election,  became  a  violent  anti; — in 
order  that  he  might  be  convinced  of  his  errors  by  my  uncle, 
who  never  failed  to  reward  his  conviction  by  some  substantial 
benefit. 

After  we  had  settled  the  affairs  of  the  nation,  and  I  had  paid 
my  respects  to  the  old  family  chronicles  in  the  kitchen,— an 
indispensable  ceremony, — the  old  gentleman  exclaimed,  with 
heart-felt  glee,  "Well,  I  suppose  you  are  for  a  trout-fishing;— 
I  have  got  every  thing  prepared ; — but  first  you  must  take  a 
walk  with  me  to  see  my  improvements."  I  was  obliged  to 
consent;  though  I  knew  my  uncle  would  lead  me  a  most 
villainous  dance,  and  in  all  probability  treat  me  to  a  quagmire, 
or  a  tumble  into  a  ditch.  If  my  readers  choose  to  accompany 
me  in  this  expedition,  they  are  welcome;  if  not,  let  them  stry 
at  home  like  lazy  fellows  and  sleep— or  be  hanged. 

Though  I  had  been  absent  several  years,  yet  there  was  very 
little  alteration  in  the  scenery,  and  every  object  retained  the 
same  features  it  bore  when  I  was  a  school-boy :  for  it  was  in 


140  SALMAGUNDI. 

this  spot  that  I  grew  up  in  the  fear  of  ghosts,  and  in  the  break- 
ing of  many  of  the  ten  commandments.  The  brook,  or  rivef 
as  they  would  call  it  in  Europe,  still  murmured  with  its  wonted 
sweetness  through  the  meadow ;  and  its  banks  were  still  tufted 
with  dwarf  willows,  that  bent  down  to  the  surface.  The  same 
echo  inhabited  the  valley,  and  the  same  tender  air  of  repose 
pervaded  the  whole  scene.  Even  my  good  uncle  was  but  little 
altered,  except  that  his  hair  was  grown  a  little  grayer,  and  his 
forehead  had  lost  some  of  its  former  smoothness.  He  had, 
however,  lost  nothing  of  his  former  activity,  and  laughed 
heartily  at  the  difficulty  I  found  in  keeping  up  with  him  as  he 
stumped  through  bushes,  and  briers,  and  hedges;  talking  all 
the  time  about  his  improvements,  and  telling  what  he  would 
do  with  such  a  spot  of  ground  and  such  a  tree.  At  length, 
after  showing  me  his  stone  fences,  his  famous  two-year-old 
bull,  his  new  invented  cart,  which  was  to  go  before  the  horse, 
and  his  Eclipse  colt,  he  was  pleased  to  return  home  to  dinner. 

After  dinner  and  returning  thanks, — which  with  him  was 
not  a  ceremony  merely,  but  an  offering  from  the  heart, — my 
uncle  opened  his  trunk,  took  out  his  fishing-tackle,  and,  with- 
out saying  a  word,  sallied  forth  with  some  of  those  truly 
alarming  steps  which  Daddy  Neptune  once  took  when  he  was 
in  a  great  hurry  to  attend  to  the  affair  of  the  siege  of  Troy. 
Trout-fishing  was  my  uncle's  favourite  sport ;  and^  though  I 
always  caught  two  fish  to  his  one,  he  never  would  acknowl- 
edge my  superiority ;  but  puzzled  himself  often  and  often  to 
account  for  such  a  singular  phenomenon. 

Following  the  current  of  the  brook  for  a  mile  or  two,  we  re- 
traced many  of  our  old  haunts,  and  told  a  hundred  adventures 
which  had  befallen  us  at  different  times.  It  was  like  snatch- 
ing the  hour-glass  of  time,  inverting  it,  and  rolling  back  again 
the  sands  that  had  marked  the  lapse  of  years.  At  length  the 
shadows  began  to  lengthen,  the  south-wind  gradually  settled 
into  a  perfect  calm,  the  sun  threw  his  rays  through  the  trees 
on  the  hill-tops  in  golden  lustre,  and  a  kind  of  Sabbath  still- 
ness pervaded  the  whole  valley,  indicating  that  the  hour  was 
fast  approaching  which  was  to  relieve  for  a  while  the  farmer 
from  his  rural  labour,  the  ox  from  his  toil,  the  school-urchin 
from  his  primer,  and  bring  the  loving  ploughman  home  to  the 
feet  of  his  blooming  dairymaid. 

As  we  were  watching  in  silence  the  last  rays  of  the  sun, 
beaming  their  farewell  radiance  on  the  high  hills  at  a  distance, 
my  uncle  exclaimed,  in  a  kind  of  half -desponding  tone,  while 


BALMAQUmt  '-  141 

he  rested  his  arm  over  an  old  tree  that  had  fallen — "I  know 
not  how  it  is,  my  dear  Launce,  but  such  an  evening,  and  such 
a  still  quiet  scene  as  this,  always  make  me  a  little  sad ;  and  it 
is,  at  such  a  time,  I  am  most  apt  to  look  forward  with  regret 
to  the  period  when  this  farm,  on  which  "  I  have  been  young, 
but  now  am  old,"  and  every  object  around  me  that  is  endeared 
by  long  acquaintance, — when  all  these  and  I  must  shake  hands 
and  part.  I  have  no  fear  of  death,  for  my  life  has  afforded 
but  little  temptation  to  wickedness ;  and  when  I  die,  I  hope  to 
leave  behind  me  more  substantial  proofs  of  virtue  than  will 
be  found  in  my  epitaph,  and  more  lasting  memorials  than 
churches  built  or  hospitals  endowed ;  with  wealth  wrung  from 
the  hard  hand  of  poverty  by  an  unfeeling  landlord  or  unprin- 
cipled knave ; — but  still,  when  I  pass  such  a  day  as  this  and 
contemplate  such  a  scene,  I  cannot  help  feeling  a  latent  wish 
to  linger  yet  a  little  longer 'in  this  peaceful  asylum;  to  enjoy  a 
little  more  sunshine  in  this  world,  and  to  have  a  few  more 
fishing-matches  with  my  boy."  As  he  ended  he  raised  his 
hand  a  little  from  the  fallen  tree,  and  dropping  it  languidly  by 
his  side,  turned  himself  towards  home.  The  sentiment,  the 
look,  the  action,  all  seemed  to  be  prophetic.  And  so  they 
were,  for  when  I  shook  him  by  the  hand  and  bade  him  fare- 
well the  next  morning — it  was  for  the  last  time ! 

He  died  a  bachelor,  at  the  age  of  sixty-three,  though  he  had 
been  all  his  life  trying  to  get  married;  and  always  thought 
himself  on  the  point  of  accomplishing  his  wishes.  His  dis- 
appointments were  not  owing  either  to  the  deformity  of  his 
mind  or  person ;  for  in  his  youth  he  was  reckoned  handsome, 
and  I  myself  can  witness  for  him  that  he  had  as  kind  a  heart 
as  ever  was  fashioned  by  heaven ;  neither  were  they  owing  to 
his  poverty, — which  sometimes  stands  in  an  honest  man's 
way; — for  he  was  born  to  the  inheritance  of  a  small  estate 
which  was  sufficient  to  establish  his  claim  to  the  title  of  "one 
well-to-do  in  the  world."  The  truth  is,  my  uncle  had  a  prodig- 
ious antipathy  to  doing  things  in  a  hurry. — "A  man  should 
consider,"  said  he  to  me  once—"  that  he  can  always  get  a  wife, 
but  cannot  always  get  rid  of  her.  For  my  part,"  continued 
he,  "I  am  a  young  fellow,  with  the  world  before  me," — he  was 
but  about  forty! — "and  am  resolved  to  look  sharp,  weigh 
matters  well,  and  know  what's  what,  before  I  marry:— in 
short,  Launce,  I  don't  intend  to  do  the  thing  in  a  hurry,  depend 
upon  it."  On  this  whim- wham,  he  proceeded:  he  began  with 
young  girls,  and  ended  with  widows.  The  girls  he  courted 
until  they  grew  old  maids,  or  married  out  of  pure  apprehen* 


142  SALMAGUNDI.  ^ 

sion  of  incurring  certain  penalties  hereafter;  and  the  widows 
not  having  quite  as  much  patience,  generally,  at  the  end  of  a 
year,  while  the  good  man  thought  himself  in  the  high  road  to 
success,  married  some  harum-scarum  young  fellow,  who  had 
not  such  an  antipathy  to  doing  things  in  a  hurry. 

My  uncle  would  have  inevitably  sunk  under  these  repeated 
disappointments — for  he  did  not  want  sensibility— had  he  not 
hit  upon  a  discovery  which  set  all  to  rights  at  once.  He  con- 
soled his  vanity,— for  he  was  a  little  vain,  and  soothed  his 
pride,  which  was  his  master-passion, — by  telling  his  friends 
very  significantly,  while  his  eye  would  flash  triumph,  "  that  he 
might  have  had  her." — Those  who  know  how  much  of  the  bitter- 
ness of  disappointed  affection  arises  from  wounded  vanity  and 
exasperated  pride,  will  give  my  uncle  credit  for  this  discovery. 

My  uncle  had  been  told  by  a  prodigious  number  of  married 
men,  and  had  read  in  an  innumerable  quantity  of  books,  that 
a  man  could  not  possibly  be  happy  except  in  the  married  state; 
so  he  determined  at  an  early  age  to  marry,  that  he  might  not 
lose  his  only  chance  for  happiness.  He  accordingly  forthwith 
paid  his  addresses  to  the  daughter  of  a  neighbouring  gentleman 
farmer,  who  was  reckoned  the  beauty  of  the  whole  world ;  a 
phrase  by  which  the  honest  country  people  mean  nothing  more 
than  the  circle  of  their  acquaintance,  or  that  territory  of  land 
which  is  within  sight  of  the  smoke  of  their  own  hamlet. 

This  young  lady,  in  addition  to  her  beauty,  was  highly  ac- 
complished, for  she  had  spent  five  or  six  months  at  a  boarding- 
school  in  town ;  where  she  learned  to  work  pictures  in  satin, 
and  paint  sheep  that  might  be  mistaken  for  wolves ;  to  hold  up 
her  head,  sit  straight  in  her  chair,  and  to  think  every  species 
of  useful  acquirement  beneath  her  attention.  When  she  re- 
turned home,  so  completely  had  she  forgotten  every  thing  she 
knew  before,  that  on  seeing  one  of  the  maids  milking  a  cow, 
she  asked  her  father,  with  an  air  of  most  enchanting  ignorance, 
"what  that  odd-looking  thing  was  doing  to  that  queer  animal?" 
The  old  man  shook  his  head  at  this ;  but  the  mother  was  de- 
lighted at  these  symptoms  of  gentility,  and  so  enamoured  of 
her  daughter's  accomplishments  that  she  actually  got  framed  a 
picture  worked  in  satin  by  the  young  lady.  It  represented 
the  Tomb  Scene  in  Romeo  and  Juliet.  Romeo  was  dressed  in 
an  orange-coloured  cloak,  fastened  round  his  neck  with  a  large 
golden  clasp;  a  white  satin  tamboured  waistcoat,  leather 
breeches,  blue  silk  stockings,  and  white  topt  boots.  The  ami- 
able Juliet  shone  in  a  flame-coloured  gown,  most  gorgeously 
bespangled  with  silver  stars*  a  high-crowned  muslin  cap  that 


HALM  A  U  UJVJJ1.  143 

reached  to  the  top  of  the  tomb ; — on  her  feet  she  wore  a  pair  of 
short-quartered,  high-heeled  shoes,  and  her  waist  was  the  exaat 
fac-simile  of  an  inverted  sugar-loaf.  The  head  of  the  "noble 
county  Paris"  looked  like  a  chimney-sweeper's  brush  that  had 
lost  its  handle ;  and  the  cloak  of  the  good  Friar  hung  about  him 
as  gracefully  as  the  armour  of  a  rhinoceros.  The  good  lady 
considered  this  picture  as  a  splendid  proof  of  her  daughter's 
accomplishments,  and  hung  it  up  in  the  best  parlour,  as  an 
honest  tradesman  does  his  certificate  of  admission  into  that  en- 
lightened body  yclept  the  Mechanic  Society. 

With  this  accomplished  young  lady  then  did  my  uncle  John 
become  deeply  enamoured,  and  as  it  was  his  first  love,  he  de- 
termined to  bestir  himself  in  an  extraordinary  manner.  Once 
at  least  in  a  fortnight,  and  generally  on  a  Sunday  evening,  he 
would  put  on  his  leather  breeches,  for  he  was  a  great  beau, 
mount  his  gray  horse  Pepper,  and  ride  over  to  see  Miss  Pamela, 
though  she  lived  upwards  of  a  mile  off,  and  he  was  obliged  to 
pass  close  by  a  church-yard,  which  at  least  a  hundred  credita- 
ble persons  would  swear  was  haunted ! — Miss  Pamela  could  not 
be  insensible  to  such  proofs  of  attachment,  and  accordingly 
received  him  with  considerable  kindness ;  her  mother  always 
left  the  room  when  he  came,  and  my  uncle  had  as  good  as 
made  a  declaration,  by  saying  one  evening,  very  signifi- 
cantly, "  that  he  believed  that  he  should  soon  change  his  con- 
dition ;"  when,  some  how  or  other,  he  began  to  think  he  was 
doing  things  in  too  great  a  hurry,  and  that  it  was  high  time  to 
consider ;  so  he  considered  near  a  month  about  it,  and  there  is 
no  saying  how  much  longer  he  might  have  spun  the  thread  of 
his  doubts  had  he  not  been  roused  from  this  state  of  indecision 
by  the  news  that  his  mistress  had  married  an  attorney's  ap- 
prentice whom  she  had  seen  the  Sunday  before  at  church ;  where 
he  had  excited  the  applause  of  the  whole  congregation  by  the 
invincible  gravity  with  which  he  listened  to  a  Dutch  sermon. 
The  young  people  in  the  neighbourhood  laughed  a  good  deal  at 
my  uncle  on  the  occasion,  but  he  only  shrugged  his  shoulders, 
looked  mysterious,  and  replied,  "  Tut,  boys!  I  might  have  had 
her." 

NOTE  BY  WILLIAM  WIZARD,  ESQ. 

Our  publisher,  who  is  busily  engaged  in  printing  a  celebrated  work,  which  is  per- 
haps more  generally  read  in  this  city  than  any  other  book,  not  excepting  the  Bible; 
—I  mean  the  New  York  Directory— has  begged  so  hard  that  we  will  not  overwhelm 
him  with  too  much  of  a  good  thing,  that  we  have,  with  Langstaff's  approbation, 
cut  short  the  residue  of  uncle  John's  amours.  In  all  probability  it  will  be  given  in 
a  future  number,  whenever  LauncH«t  is  in  the  humour  for  it — he  is  such  an  odd-* 
but,  mum— for  fear  of  another  susw n^ion. 


144  SALMAGUNDI. 


NO.  XII.-SATURDAY,  JUNE,27,  180T. 


FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 

SOME  men  delight  in  the  study  of  plants,  in  the  dissection  of 
a  leaf,  or  the  contour  and  complexion  of  a  tulip;— others  are 
charmed  with  the  beauties  of  the  feathered  race,  or  the  varied 
bues  of  the  insect  tribe.  A  naturalist  will  spend  hours  in  the 
fatiguing  pursuit  of  a  butterfly,  and  a  man  of  the  ton  will 
waste  whole  years  in  the  chase  of  a  fine  lady.  I  feel  a  respect 
for  their  avocations,  for  my  own  are  somewhat  similar.  I  love 
to  open  the  great  volume  of  human  character : — to  me  the  ex- 
amination of  a  beau  is  more  interesting  than  that  of  a  Daffodil 
or  Narcissus;  and  I  feel  a  thousand  times  more  pleasure  in 
catching  a  new  view  of  human  nature,  than  in  kidnapping  the 
most  gorgeous  butterfly, — even  an  Emperor  of  Morocco  himself ! 

In  my  present  situation  I  have  ample  room  for  the  indul- 
gence of  this  taste ;  for,  perhaps,  there  is  not  a  house  in  this 
city  more  fertile  in  subjects  for  the  anatomist  of  human  char- 
acter, than  my  cousin  Cockloft's.  Honest  Christopher,  as  I 
have  before  mentioned,  is  one  of  those  hearty  old  cavaliers 
who  pride  themselves  upon  keeping  up  the  good,  honest,  un- 
ceremonious hospitality  of  old  times.— He  is  never  so  happy  as 
when  he  has  drawn  about  him  a  knot  of  sterling-hearted  asso- 
ciates, and  sits  at  the  head  of  his  table  dispensing  a  warm, 
cheering  welcome  to  all.  His  countenance  expands  at  every 
glass  and  beams  forth  emanations  of  hilarity,  benevolence,  and 
good-fellowship,  that  inspire  and  gladden  every  guest  around 
him.  It  is  no  wonder,  therefore,  that  such  excellent  social 
qualities  should  attract  a  host  of  friends  and  guests ;  in  fact, 
my  cousin  is  almost  overwhelmed  with  them;  and  they  all, 
uniformly,  pronounce  old  Cockloft  to  be  one  of  the  finest  old 
fellows  in  the  world.  His  wine  also  always  comes  in  for  a  pood 
bharo  of  their  approbation  j  nor  do  they  forget  to  do  honour  to 


SALMAGUNDI.  145 

Mrs.  Cockloft's  cookery,  pronouncing  it  to  be  modelled  after 
the  most  approved  recipes  of  Heliogabulus  and  Mrs.  Glasse. 
The  variety  of  company  thus  attracted  is  particularly  pleasing 
to  me ;  for,  being  considered  a  privileged  person  in  the  family, 
I  can  sit  in  a  corner,  indulge  in  my  favourite  amusement  of 
observation,  and  retreat  to  my  elbow-chair,  like  a  bee  to  his 
hive,  whenever  I  have  collected  sufficient  food  for  meditation. 

Will  Wizard  is  particularly  efficient  in  adding  to  the  stock 
of  originals  which  frequent  our  house :  for  he  is  one  of  the  most 
inveterate  hunters  of  oddities  I  ever  knew;  and  his  first  care, 
on  making  a  new  acquaintance,  is  to  gallant  him  to  old  Cock- 
loft's, where  he  never  fails  to  receive  the  freedom  of  the  house 
in  a  pinch  from  his  gold  box.  Will  has,  without  exception, 
the  queerest,  most  eccentric,  and  indescribable  set  of  intimates 
that  ever  man  possessed ;  how  he  became  acquainted  with  them 
I  cannot  conceive,  except  by  supposing  there  is  a  secret  attrac- 
tion or  unintelligible  sympathy  that  unconsciously  draws  to- 
gether oddities  of  every  soil. 

Will's  great  crony  for  some  time  was  TOM  STRADDLE,  to  whom 
he  really  took  a  great  liking.  Straddle  had  just  arrived  in  an 
importation  of  hardware,  fresh  from  the  city  of  Birmingham, 
-or  rather,  as  the  most,  learned  English  would  call  it,  Brumma- 
gem, so  famous  for  its  manufactories  of  gimblets,  pen-knives, 
and  pepper-boxes ;  and  where  they  make  buttons  and  beaux 
•enough  to  inundate  our  whole  country.  He  was  a  young  man 
of  considerable  standing  in  the  manufactory  at  Birmingham, 
sometimes  had  the  honour  to  hand  his  master's  daughter  into 
a  tim-whiskey,  was  the  oracle  of  the  tavern  he  frequented  on 
Sundays,  and  could  beat  all  his  associates,  if  you  would  take 
his  word  for  it,  in  boxing,  beer- drinking,  jumping  over  chairs, 
and  imitating  cats  in  a  gutter  and  opera  singers.  Straddle 
was,  moreover,  a  member  of  a  Catch-club,  and  was  a  great 
hand  at  ringing  bob-majors ;  he  was,  of  course,  a  complete  con- 
noisseur of  music,  and  entitled  to  assume  that  character  at  all 
performances  in  the  art.  He  was  likewise  a  member  of  a 
Spouting-club,  had  seen  a  company  of  strolling  actors  perform 
in  a  barn,  and  had  even,  like  Abel  Drugger,  "  enacted"  the  part 
of  Major  Sturgeon  with  considerable  applause ;  he  was  conse- 
quently a  profound  critic,  and  fully  authorized  to  turn  up  his 
nose  at  any  American  performances. — He  had  twice  partaken 
of  annual  dinners,  given  to  the  head  manufacturers  of  Birming- 
ham, where  he  had  the  good  fortune  to  get  a  taste  of  turtle 
and  turbot ;  and  a  smack  of  Champaign  an(?  Burgundy ;  and  he 


146  SALMAGUNDI. 

had  heard  a  vast  deal  of  the  roast  beef  of  Old  England ;  he  was 

therefore  epicure  sufficient  to  d n  every  dish,  and  every 

glass  of  wine,  he  tasted  in  America ;  though  at  the  same  time 
he  was  as  voracious  an  animal  as  ever  crossed  the  Atlantic. 
Straddle  had  been  splashed  half  a  dozen  times  by  the  carriages 
of  nobility,  and  had  once  the  superlative  felicity  of  being 
kicked  out  of  doors  by  the  footman  of  a  noble  Duke ;  he  could, 
therefore,  talk  of  nobility  and  despise  the  untitled  plebeians  of 
America.  In  short,  Straddle  was  one  of  those  dapper,  bustling, 
florid,  round,  self-important  "gremmen"  who  bounce  upon  us 
half  beau,  half  button-maker;  undertake  to  give  us  the  true 
polish  of  the  bon-ton,  and  endeavour  to  inspire  us  with  a  pro- 
per and  dignified  contempt  of  our  native  country. 

Straddle  was  quite  in  raptures  when  his  employers  deter- 
mined to  send  him  to  America  as  an  agent.  He  considered 
himself  as  going  among  a  nation  of  barbarians,  where  he  would 
be  received  as  a  prodigy;  he  anticipated,  with  a  proud  satisfac- 
tion, the  bustle  and  confusion  his  arrival  would  occasion;  the 
crowd  that  would  throng  to  gaze  at  him  as  he  passed  through 
the  streets ;  and  had  little  doubt  but  that  he  should  occasion  as 
much  curiosity  as  an  Indian-chief  or  a  Turk  in  the  streets  of 
Birmingham.  He  had  heard  of  the  beauty  of  our  women,  and 
chuckled  at  the  thought  of  how  completely  he  should  eclipse 
their  unpolished  beaux,  and  the  number  of  despairing  lovers 
that  would  mourn  the  hour  of  his  arrival.  I  am  even  informed 
by  Will  Wizard  that  he  put  good  store  of  beads,  spike-nails, 
and  looking-glasses  in  his  trunk  to  win  the  affections  of  the 
fair  ones  as  they  paddled  about  in  their  bark  canoes ; — the  rea- 
son Will  gave  for  this  error  of  Straddle's,  respecting  our  ladies, 
was,  that  he  had  read  in  Guthrie's  Geography  that  the  abo- 
rigines of  America  were  all  savages,  and  not  exactly  under- 
standing the  word  aborigines,  he  applied  to  one  of  his  fellow 
apprentices,  who  assured  him  that  it  was  the  Latin  word  for 
inhabitants. 

Wizard  used  to  tell  another  anecdote  of  Straddle,  which 
always  put  him  in  a  passion ;  Will  swore  that  the  captain  of 
the  ship  told  him,  that  when  Straddle  heard  they  were  off  the 
banks  of  Newfoundland,  he  insisted  upon  going  on  shore  there 
to  gather  some  good  cabbages,  of  which  he  was  excessively 
fond ;  Straddle,  however,  denied  all  this,  and  declared  it  to  be 
a  mischievous  quiz  of  Will  Wizard ;  who  indeed  often  made 
himself  merry  at  his  expense.  However  this  may  be,  certain 
it  is.  he  kept  his  tailor  and  shoemaker  constantly  employed  for 


8 ALMA  0  UNDL  147 

a  month  before  his  departure ;  equipped  himself  with  a  smart 
crooked  stick  about  eighteen  inches  long,  a  pair  of  breeches  of 
most  unheard-of  length,  a  little  short  pair  of  Hoby's  white- 
topped  boots,  that  seemed  to  stand  on  tip-toe  to  reach  his 
breeches,  and  his  hat  had  the  true  trans-atlantic  declination 
towards  his  right  ear.  The  fact  was,  nor  did  he  make  any  se- 
cret of  it— he  was  determined  to  "  astonish  the  natives  a  few  /" 

Straddle  was  not  a  little  disappointed  on  his  arrival,  to  find 
the  Americans  were  rather  more  civilized  than  he  had  imag- 
ined;—he  was  suffered  to  walk  to  his  lodgings  unmolested  by  a 
crowd,  and  even  unnoticed  by  a  single  individual ; — no  love- 
letters  came  pouring  in  upon  him;  no  rivals  lay  in  waio  to 
assassinate  him ;  his  very  dress  excited  no  attention,  for  there 
were  many  fools  dressed  equally  ridiculously  with  himself. 
This  was  mortifying  indeed  to  an  aspiring  youth,  who  had 
come  out  with  the  idea  of  astonishing  and  captivating. 
He  was  equally  unfortunate  in  his  pretensions  to  the  char- 
acter of  critic,  connoisseur,  and  boxer;  he  condemned  our 
whole  dramatic  corpsr  and  everything  appertaining  to  the 
theatre ;  but  his  critical  abilities  were  ridiculed— he  found  fault 
with  old  Cockloft's  dinner,  not  even  sparing  his  wine,  and  was 
never  invited  to  the  house  afterwards;— he  scoured  the  streets 
at  night,  and  was  cudgelled  by  a  sturdy  watchman ; — he  hoaxed 
an  honest  mechanic,  and  was  soundly  kicked.  Thus  disap- 
pointed in  all  his  attempts  at  notoriety,  Straddle  hit  on  the  ex- 
pedient which  was  resorted  to  by  the  Giblets — he  determined 
to  take  the  town  by  storm. — He  accordingly  bought  horses  and 
equipages,  and  forthwith  made  a  furious  dash  at  style  in  a  gig 
and  tandem. 

As  Straddle's  finances  were  but  limited,  it  may  easily  be  sup- 
posed that  his  fashionable  career  infringed  a  little  upon  his  con- 
signment, which  was  indeed  the  case,  for,  to  use  a  true  cockney 
phrase,  Brummagem  suffered.  But  this  was  a  circumstance 
that  made  little  impression  upon  Straddle,  who  was  now  a  lad 
of  spirit,  and  lads  of  spirit  always  despise  the  sordid  cares  of 
keeping  another  man's  money.  Suspecting  this  circumstance, 
I  never  could  witness  any  of  his  exhibitions  of  style,  without 
some  whimsical  association  of  ideas.  Did  he  give  an  entertain- 
ment to  a  host  of  guzzling  friends,  I  immediately  fancied  them 
gormandizing  heartily  at  the  expense  of  poor  Birmingham, 
and  swallowing  a  consignment  of  hand-saws  and  razors.  Did 
I  behold  him  dashing  through  Broadway  in  his  gig,  I  saw  him, 
"in  my  mind's  eye,"  driving  tandem  on  a  nest  of  tea-boards; 


148  SALMAGUNDI. 

nor  oould  I  ever  contemplate  his  cockney  exhibitions  of  horse* 
manship,  hut  my  mischievous  imagination  would  picture  him 
spurring  a  cask  of  hardware  like  rosy  Bacchus  bestriding  a 
beer  barrel,  or  the  little  gentleman  who  bestraddles  the  world 
in  the  front  of  Hutching's  almanac. 

Straddle  was  equally  successful  with  the  Giblets,  as  may 
well  be  supposed ;  for  though  pedestrian  merit  may  strive  in 
vain  to  become  fashionable  in  Gotham,  yet  a  candidate  in  an 
equipage  is  always  recognized,  and  like  Philip's  ass,  laden 
with  gold,  will  gain  admittance  every  where.  Mounted  in  his 
curricle  or  his  gig,  the  candidate  is  like  a  statue  elevated  on  a 
high  pedestal ;  his  merits  are  discernible  from  afar,  and  strike 
the  dullest  optics.  Oh!  Gotham,  Gotham!  most  enlightened 
of  cities ! — how  does  my  heart  swell  with  delight  when  I  be- 
hold your  sapient  inhabitants  lavishing  their  attention  with 
such  wonderful  discernment ! 

Thus  Straddle  became  quite  a  man  of  ton,  and  was  caressed, 
and  courted,  and  invited  to  dinners  and  balls.  Whatever  was 
absurd  and  ridiculous  in  him  before,  was  now  declared  to  be 
the  style.  He  criticised  our  theatre,  and  was  listened  to  with 
reverence.  He  pronounced  our  musical  entertainments  bar- 
barous ;  and  the  judgment  of  Apollo  himself  would  not  have 
been  more  decisive.  He  abused  our  dinners ;  and  the  god  of 
eating,  if  there  be  any  such  deity,  seemed  to  speak  through  his 
organs.  He  became  at  once  a  man  of  taste,  for  he  put  his 
malediction  on  every  thing;  and  his  arguments  were  conclus- 
ve,  for  he  supported  every  assertion  with  a  bet.  He  was  like- 
wise pronounced,  by  the  learned  in  the  fashionable  world,  a 
young  man  of  great  research  and  deep  observation ;  for  he  had 
sent  home,  as  natural  curiosities,  an  ear  of  Indian  corn,  a  pair 
of  moccasons,  a  belt  of  wampum,  and  a  four-leaved  clover.  He 
had  taken  great  pains  to  enrich  this  curious  collection  with  an 
Indian,  and  a  cataract,  but  without  success.  In  fine,  the  peo- 
ple talked  of  Straddle  and  his  equipage,  and  Straddle  talked  of 
his  horses,  until  it  was  impossible  for  the  most  critical  observer 
to  pronounce,  whether  Straddle  or  his  horses  were  most  ad- 
mired, or  whether  Straddle  admired  himself  or  his  horses  most. 

Straddle  was  now  in  the  zenith  of  his  glory.  He  swaggered 
about  parlours  and  drawing-rooms  with  the  same  unceremoni- 
ous confidence  he  used  to  display  in  the  taverns  at  Birming- 
ham. He  accosted  a  lady  as  he  would  a  bar-maid,  and  this 
was  pronounced  a  certain  proof  that  he  had  been  used  to  bet- 
ter company  in  Birmingham.  He  became  the  great  man  of  all 


8 ALMA  O  UND1.  149 

the  taverns  between  New- York  and  Harlem,  and  no  one  stood 
a  chance  of  being  accommodated,  until  Straddle  and  his  horses 
were  perfectly  satisfied.  He  d — — d  the  landlords  and  waiters, 
with  the  best  air  in  the  world,  and  accosted  them  with  the 
true  gentlemanly  familiarity.  He  staggered  from  the  dinner 
table  to  the  play,  entered  the  box  like  a  tempest,  and  staid 
long  enough  to  be  bored  to  death,  and  to  bore  ah1  those  who  had 
the  misfortune  to  be  near  him.  From  thence  he  dashed  off  to  a 
ball,  time  enough  to  flounder  through  a  cotillion,  tear  half  a 
dozen  gowns,  commit  a  number  of  other  depredations,  and 
make  the  whole  company  sensible  of  his  infinite  condescension 
in  coming  amongst  them.  The  people  of  Gotham  thought  him 
a  prodigious  fine  fellow;  the  young  bucks  cultivated  his 
acquaintance  with  the  most  persevering  assiduity,  and  his 
retainers  were  sometimes  complimented  with  a  seat  in  his  cur- 
ricle, or  a  ride  on  one  of  his  fine  horses.  The  belles  were 
delighted  with  the  attentions  of  such  a  fashionable  gentleman, 
and  struck  with  astonishment  at  his  learned  distinctions  be- 
tween wrought  scissors  and  those  of  cast-steel ;  together  with 
his  profound  dissertations  on  buttons  and  horse-flesh.  The 
rich  merchants  courted  his  acquaintance  because  he  was  an 
Englishman,  and  their  wives  treated  him  with  great  deference, 
because  he  had  come  from  beyond  seas.  I  cannot  help  here 
observing,  that  your  salt  water  is  a  marvellous  great  sharpener 
of  men's  wits,  and  I  intend  to  recommend  it  to  some  of  my 
acquaintances  in  a  particular  essay. 

Straddle  continued  his  brilliant  career  for  only  a  short  time. 
His  prosperous  journey  over  the  turnpike  of  fashion  was 
checked  by  some  of  those  stumbling-blocks  in  the  way  of  aspir- 
ing youth,  called  creditors— or  duns;— a  race  of  people,  who, 
as  a  celebrated  writer  observes,  "  are  hated  by  gods  and  men." 
Consignments  slackened,  whispers  of  distant  suspicion  floated 
in  the  dark,  and  those  pests  of  society,  the  tailors  and  shoe- 
makers, rose  in  rebellion  against  Straddle.  In  vain  were  all 
his  remonstrances,  in  vain  did  he  prove  to  them  that  though 
he  had  given  them  no  money,  yet  he  had  given  them  more 
custom,  and  as  many  promises,  as  any  young  man  in  the  city. 
They  were  inflexible,  and  the  signal  of  danger  being  given, 
a  host  of  other  prosecutors  pounced  upon  his  back.  Straddle 
saw  there  was  but  one  way  for  it ;  he  determined  to  do  the 
thing  genteelly,  to  go  to  smash  like  a  hero,  and  dashed  into  the 
limits  in  high  style,  being  the  fifteenth  gentleman  I  have 
known  to  drive  tandem  to  the — ne  plus  ultra — the  d 1. 


150  SALMAGUNDI. 

Unfortunate  Straddle !  may  thy  fate  be  a  warning  to  all 
young  gentlemen  who  come  out  from  Birmingham  to  aston- 
ish the  natives! — I  should  never  have  taken  the  trouble  to 
dilineate  his  character  had  he  not  been  a  genuine  cockney, 
and  worthy  to  be  the  representative  of  his  numerous  tribe. 
Perhaps  my  simple  countrymen  may  hereafter  be  able  to 
distinguish  between  the  real  English  gentleman,  and  indi- 
viduals of  the  cast  I  have  heretofore  spoken  of,  as  mere  mon- 
grels, springing  at  one  bound  from  contemptible  obscurity  at 
home,  to  day-light  and  splendour  in  this  good-natured  land. 
The  true-born  and  true-bred  English  gentleman  is  a  character 
I  hold  in  great  respect ;  and  I  love  to  look  back  to  the  period 
when  our  forefathers  flourished  in  the  same  generous  soil,  and 
hailed  each  other  as  brothers.  But  the  cockney !— when  I  con- 
template him  as  springing  too  from  the  same  source,  I  feel 
ashamed  of  the  relationship,  and  am  tempted  to  deny  my  ori- 
gin. In  the  character  of  Straddle  is  traced  the  complete  out- 
line of  a  true  cockney,  of  English  growth,  and  a  descendant  of 
that  individual  facetious  character  mentioned  by  Shakspeare, 
"who  in  pure  kindness  to  his  horse,  buttered  his  hay." 


THE  STRANGER  AT   HOME;   OR,  A  TOUR  IN  BROAD- 
WAY. 

BY  JEREMY  COCKLOFT,  THE  YOUNGER. 
PREFACE. 

YOUR  learned  traveller  begins  his  travels  at  the  commence- 
ment of  his  journey;  others  begin  theirs  at  the  end;  and  a 
third  class  begin  any  how  and  any  where,  which  I  think  is  the 
true  way.  A  late  facetious  writer  begins  what  he  calls  "  a  Pic- 
ture of  New  York,"  with  a  particular  description  of  Glen's 
Falls,  from  whence  with  admirable  dexterity  he  makes  a 
digression  to  the  celebrated  Mill  Rock,  on  Long-Island !  Now 
this  is  what  I  like ;  and  I  intend,  in  my  present  tour,  to  digress 
as  often  and  as  long  as  I  please.  If,  therefore,  I  choose  to 
make  a  hop,  skip,  and  jump,  to  China,  or  New-Holland,  or 
Terra  Incognita,  or  Communipaw,  I  can  produce  a  host  of 


SALMAGUNDI.  151 

examples  to  justify  me,  even  in  books  that  have  been  praised 
by  the  English  reviewers,  whose  fiat  being  all  that  is  necessary 
to  give  books  a  currency  in  this  country,  I  am  determined,  as 
soon  as  I  finish  my  edition  of  travels  in  seventy-five  volumes, 
to  transmit  it  forthwith  to  them  for  judgment.  If  these  trans- 
atlantic censors  praise  it,  I  have  no  fear  of  its  success  in  this 
country,  where  their  approbation  gives,  like  the  tower  stamp, 
a  fictitious  value,  and  makes  tinsel  and  wampum  pass  current 
for  classic  gold. 

CHAPTER  I. 

BATTERY — flag-staff  kept  by  Louis  Keaffee — Keaffee  main- 
tains two  spy-glasses  by  subscriptions— merchants  pay  two 
shillings  a-year  to  look  through  them  at  the  signal  poles  on 
Staten-Island — a  very  pleasant  prospect ;  but  not  so  pleasant 
as  that  from  the  hill  of  Howth— quere,  ever  been  there?— 
Young  seniors  go  down  to  the  flag-staff  to  buy  peanuts  and 
beer,  after  the  fatigue  of  their  morning  studies,  and  sometimes 
to  play  at  ball,  or  some  other  innocent  amusement — digression 
to  the  Olympic,  and  Isthmian  games,  with  a  description  of  the 
Isthmus  of  Corinth,  and  that  of  Darien :  to  conclude  with  a  dis- 
sertation on  the  Indian  custom  of  offering  a  whiff  of  tobacco 
smoke  to  their  great  spirit,  Areskou.— Return  to  the  battery — 
delightful  place  to  indulge  in  the  luxury  of  sentiment— How 
various  are  the  mutations  of  this  world !  but  a  few  days,  a  few 
hours — at  least  not  above  two  hundred  years  ago,  and  this 
spot  was  inhabited  by  a  race  of  aborigines,  who  dwelt  in  bark 
huts,  lived  upon  oysters  and  Indian  corn,  danced  buffalo 
dances,  and  were  lords  "  of  the  fowl  ana  the  brute" — but  the 
spirit  of  time  and  the  spirit  of  brandy  have  swept  them  from 
their  ancient  inheritance ;  and  as  the  white  wave  of  the  ocean, 
by  its  ever  toiling  assiduity,  gains  on  the  brown  land,  so  the 
white  man,  by  slow  and  sure  degrees,  has  gained  on  the  brown 
savage,  and  dispossessed  him  of  the  land  of  his  forefathers.— 
Conjectures  on  the  first  peopling  of  America— different  opin- 
ions on  that  subject,  to  the  amount  of  near  one  hundred- 
opinion  of  Augustine  Torniel— that  they  are  the  descendants 
of  Shem  and  Japheth,  who  came  by  the  way  of  Japan  to 
America— Juffridi  us  Petri  says  they  came  from  Friezeland, 
mem.  cold  journey. — Mons.  Charrcn  says  they  are  descended 
from  the  Gauls— bitter  enough.—  A.  Milius,  from  the  Celtse— 
Kircher,  from  the  Egyptians— L'Compte»  from  the  Phenicians 


162  SALMAGUNDI. 

— Lescarbot,  from  the  Canaanites,  alias  the  Anthropophagi^ 
Brerewood  from  the  Tartars — Grotius,  from  the  Norwegians — 
and  Linkum  Fidelius  has  written  two  folio  volumes  to  prove 
that  America  was  first  of  all  peopled  either  by  the  Antipodeans 
or  the  Cornish  miners,  who,  he  maintains,  might  easily  have 
made  a  subterraneous  passage  to  this  country,  particularly  the 
antipodeans,  who,  he  asserts,  can  get  along  under  ground  as 
fast  as  moles — quere,  which  of  these  is  in  the  right,  or  are  they 
all  wrong? — For  my  part,  I  don't  see  why  America  had  not  as 
good  a  right  to  be  peopled  at  first,  as  any  little  contemptible 
country  in  Europe,  or  Asia,  and  I  am  determined  to  write  a 
book  at  my  first  leisure,  to  prove  that  Noah  was  born  here — 
and  that  so  far  is  America  from  being  indebted  to  any  other 
country  for  inhabitants,  that  they  were  every  one  of  them 
peopled  by  colonies  from  her ! — mem.  battery  a  very  pleasant 
place  to  walk  on  a  Sunday  evening— not  quite  genteel  though 
— everybody  walks  there,  and  a  pleasure,  however  genuine,  is 
spoiled  by  general  participation — the  fashionable  ladies  of  New- 
York  turn  up  their  noses  if  you  ask  them  to  walk  on  the  bat- 
tery on  Sunday— quere,  have  they  scruples  of  conscience,  or 
scruples  of  delicacy?— neither — they  have  only  scruples  of  gen- 
tility, which  are  quite  different  things. 


CHAPTER  H 

CUSTOM-HOUSE— origin  of  duties  on  merchandise— this  place 
much  frequented  by  merchants— and  why? — different  classes 
of  merchants — importers — a  kind  of  nobility — wholesale  mer- 
chants—have the  privilege  of  going  to  the  city  assembly!— 
Eetail  traders  cannot  go  to  the  assembly. — Some  curious 
speculations  on  the  vast  distinction  betwixt  selling  tape  by  the 
piece  or  by  the  yard. — Wholesale  merchants  look  down  upon 
the  retailers,  who  in  return  look  down  upon  ttie  green-grocers, 
who  look  down  upon  the  market  women,  who  don't  care  a 
straw  about  any  of  them.— Origin  of  the  distinctions  of  rank 
— Dr.  Johnson  once  horribly  puzzled  to  settle  the  point  of  pre- 
cedence between  a  louse  and  a  flea— good  hint  enough  to 
humble,  purse-proud  arrogance. — Custom-house  partly  used  as 
a  lodging  house  for  the  pictures  belonging  to  the  academy  of 
arts— couldn't  afford  the  statues  house-room,  most  of  them 
in  the  cellar  of  the  City-hall—poor  place  for  the  gods  and 
godesses — after  Olympus. — Pensive  reflections  on  the  ups  and 


SALMAGUNDI.  153 

downs  of  life — Apollo,  and  the  rest  of  the  set,  used  to  cut  a 
great  figure  in  days  of  yore.— Mem.  every  dog  has  his  day- 
sorry  for  Venus,  though,  poor  wench,  to  be  cooped  up  in  a 
cellar  with  not  a  single  grace  to  wait  on  her! — Eulogy  on 
the  gentlemen  of  the  academy  of  arts,  for  the  great  spirit 
with  which  they  began  the  undertaking,  and  the  perseverance 
with  which  they  have  pursued  it. — It  is  a  pity,  however,  they 
began  at  the  wrong  end— maxim— If  you  want  a  bird  and  a 
cagra  always  buy  the  cage  first — hem!  a  word  to  the  wise? 


CHAPTER  HE. 

BOWLING-GREEN — fine  place  for  pasturing  cows — a  perqui- 
site of  the  late  corporation— formerly  ornamented  with  a 
statue  of  George  the  3d— people  pulled  it  down  in  the  war  to 
make  bullets— great  pity,  as  it  might  have  been  given  to  the 
academy — it  would  have  become  a  cellar  as  well  as  any  other. 
^-Broadway — great  difference  in  the  gentility  of  streets — a  man 
who  resides  in  Pearl-street  or  Chatham-row,  derives  no  kind  of 
dignity  from  his  domicil ;  but  place  him  in  a  certain  part  of 
Broadway,  anywhere  between  the  battery  and  Wall-street,  and 
he  straightway  becomes  entitled  to  figure  in  the  beau  monde, 
and  strut  as  a  person  of  prodigious  consequence! — Quere, 
whether  there  is  a  degree  of  purity  in  the  air  of  that  quarter 
which  changes  the  gross  particles  of  vulgarity  into  gems  of  re- 
finement and  polish?— A  question  to  be  asked,  but  not  to  be 
answered — Wall-street — City-hall,  famous  place  for  catch- 
poles,  deputy-sheriffs,  and  young  lawyers ;  which  last  attend 
the  courts,  not  because  they  have  business  there  but  because 
they  have  no  business  any  where  else.  My  blood  always  cur- 
dles when  I  see  a  catch-pole,  they  being  a  species  of  vermin, 
who  feed  and  fatten  on  the  common  wretchedness  of  mankind, 
who  trade  in  misery,  and  in  becoming  the  executioners  of  the 
law,  by  their  oppression  and  villainy,  almost  counterbalance 
all  the  benefits  which  are  derived  from  its  salutary  regulations 
— Story  of  Quevedo  about  a  catch-pole  possessed  by  a  devil, 
who,  on  being  interrogated,  declared  that  he  did  not  come 
there  voluntarily,  but  by  compulsion ;  and  that  a  decent  devil 
would  never,  of  his  own  free  will  enter  into  the  body  of  a 
catch-pole;  instead,  therefore,  of  doing  him  the  injustice  to 
say  that  here  was  a  catch-pole  be-deviled,  they  should  say,  it 
was  a  devil  be-catch-poled  j.  that  being  in  reality  the  truth-" 


154  SALMAGUNDI. 

Wonder  what  has  become  of  the  old  crier  of  the  court,  who 
used  to  make  more  noise  in  preserving  silence  than  the  audi- 
ence did  in  breaking  it — if  a  man  happened  to  drop  his  cane, 
the  old  hero  would  sing  out  "  silence !"  in  a  voice  that  emulated 
the  "  wide-mouthed  thunder" — On  inquiring,  found  he  had  re- 
tired from  business  to  enjoy  otium  cum  dignitate,  as  many  a 
great  man  had  done  before — Strange  that  wise  men,  as  they 
are  thought,  should  toil  through  a  whole  existence  merely  to 
enjoy  a  few  moments  of  leisure  at  last ! — why  don't  they  begin 
to  be  easy  at  first,  and  not  purchase  a  moment's  pleasure  with 
an  age  of  pain? — mem.  posed  some  of  the  jockeys — eh  1 

CHAPTER  IV. 

BARBER'S  pole;  three  different  orders  of  shavers  in  New 
York — those  who  shave  pigs;  N.  B. — freshmen  and  sopLomores, 
—those  who  cut  beards,  and  those  who  shave  notes  of  hand;  the 
last  are  the  most  respectable,  because,  in  the  course  of  a  year, 
they  make  more  money,  and  that  honestly,  than  the  whole 
corps  of  other  shavers  can  do  in  half  a  century;  besides,  it 
would  puzzle  a  common  barber  to  ruin  any  man,  except  by 
cutting  his  throat ;  whereas  your  higher  order  of  shavers,  your 
true  blood-suckers  of  the  community,  seated  snugly  behind  the 
curtain,  in  watch  for  prey,  live  on  the  vitals  of  the  unfortu- 
nate, and  grow  rich  on  the  ruins  of  thousands. — Yet  this  last 
class  of  barbers  are  held  in  high  respect  in  the  world;  they 
never  offend  against  the  decencies  of  life,  go  often  to  church, 
look  down  on  honest  poverty  walking  on  foot,  and  call  them- 
selves gentlemen;  yea,  men  of  honour! — Lottery  offices— 
another  set  of  capital  shavers! — licensed  gambling  houses! — 
good  things  enough  though,  as  they  enable  a  few  honest,  in- 
dustrious gentlemen  to  humbug  the  people  —according  to  law ; 
— besides,  if  the  people  will  be  such  fools,  whose  fault  is  it  but 
their  own  if  they  get  bit ? — Messrs.  Paff — beg  pardon  for  putting 
them  in  bad  company,  because  they  are  a  couple  of  fine  fellows 
-mem.  to  recommend  Michael's  antique  snuff  box  to  all  ama- 
teui-s  in  the  art.—  Eagle  singing  Yankee-doodle — N.  B. — Buffon, 
Penant,  and  the  rest  of  the  naturalists,  all  naturals  not  to 
know  the  eagle  was  a  singing  bird;  Linkum  Fidelius  knew 
better,  and  gives  a  long  description  of  a  bald  eagle  that  sere- 
naded him  once  in  Canada ; — dii^ression ;  particular  account  of 
the  Canadian  Indians ; — story  about  Areskou  learning  to  make 
fishing  nets  of  a  spider— don't  believe  it  though,  because, 


SALMAGUNDI.  155 

according  to  Linkum,  and  many  other  learned  authorities, 
Areskou  is  the  same  as  Mars,  being  derived  from  his  Greek 
names  of  Ares;  and  if  so,  he  knew  well  enough  what  a  net  was 
without  consulting  a  spider ;— story  of  Arachne  being  changed 
into  a  spider  as  a  reward  for  having  hanged  herself; — deri- 
vation of  the  word  spinster  from  spider ;— Colophon,  now  Al- 
tobosco,  the  birthplace  of  Arachne,  remarkable  for  a  famous 
breed  of  spiders  to  this  day ;— mem. — nothing  like  a  little  schol- 
arship—make the  ignoramus,  viz.,  the  majority  of  my  readers, 
stare  like  wild  pigeons ;— return  to  New- York  a  short  cut- 
meet  a  dashing  belle,  in  a  little  thick  white  veil — tried  to  get  a 
peep  at  her  face— saw  she  squinted  a  little — thought  so  at  first ; 
— never  saw  a  face  covered  with  a  veil  that  was  worth  looking 
at ; — saw  some  ladies  holding  a  conversation  across  the  street 
about  going  to  church  next  Sunday— talked  so  loud  they 
frightened  a  cartman's  horse,  who  ran  away,  and  ovei*set  a 
basket  of  gingerbread  with  a  little  boy  under  it;— mem.— I 
don't  much  see  the  use  of  speaking-trumpets  now-a-days. 

CHAPTER  V. 

BOUGHT  a  pair  of  gloves ;  dry -good  stores  the  genuine  schools 
of  politeness— true  Parisian  manners  there  -got  a  pair  of 
gloves  and  a  pistareen's  worth  of  bows  for  a  dollar— dog  cheap ! 
— Courtlandt-street  corner — famous  place  to  see  the  belles  go  by 
— quere,  ever  been  shopping  with  a  lady  ?— some  account  of  it- 
ladies  go  into  all  the  shops  in  the  city  to  buy  a  pair  of  gloves- 
good  way  of  spending  time,  if  they  have  nothing  else  to  do. — 
Oswego-market — looks  very  much  like  a  triumphal  arch — some 
account  of  the  manner  of  erecting  them  in  ancient  times ;—  di- 
gression to  the  arc/i-duke  Charles,  and  some  account  of  the 
ancient  Germans.— N.  B. — quote  Tacitus  on  this  subject. — Par- 
ticular description  of  market-baskets,  butcher's  blocks,  and 
wheelbarrows ;-- mem.  queer  things  run  upon  one  wheel! — Saw 
a  cart-man  driving  full-tilt  through  Broadway — ran  over  a 
child— good  enough  for  it— what  business  had  it  to  be  in  the 
way?— Hint  concerning  the  laws  against  pigs,  goats,  dogs,  and 
cartmen— grand  apostrophe  to  the  sublime  science  of  jurispru- 
dence;— comparison  between  legislators  and  tinkers;  quere, 
whether  it  requires  greater  ability  to  mend  a  law  than  to  mend 
a  kettle? — inquiry  into  the  utility  of  making  laws  that  are 
broken  a  hundred  times  a  day  with  impunity;— my  lord  Coke's 
opinion  on  the  subject;— mv  lord  a  very  great  man— so  was 


166  SALMAGUNDI. 

lord  Bacon:  good  story  about  a  criminal  named  Hog  claiming 
relationship  with  him. — Hogg's  porter-house; — great  haunt  of 
Will  Wizard;  Will  put  down  there  one  night  by  a  sea-captain, 
hi  an  argument  concerning  the  era  of  the  Chinese  empire 
Whangpo; — Hogg's  capital  place  for  hearing  the  same  stories, 
the  same  jokes,  and  the  same  songs  every  night  in  the  year — 
mem.  except  Sunday  nights ;  fine  school  for  young  politicians 
too— some  of  the  longest  and  thickest  heads  in  the  city  come 
there  to  settle  the  nation. — Scheme  of  Ichdbod  Fungus  to 
restore  the  balance  of  Europe ;— digression ; — some  account  of 
the  balance  of  Europe ;  comparison  between  it  and  a  pair  of 
scales,  with  the  Emperor  Alexander  in  one  and  the  Emperor 
Napoleon  in  the  other:  fine  fellows — both  of  a  weight,  can't  tell 
which  will  kick  the  beam: — mem.  don't  care  much  either — 
nothing  to  me:—Ichabod  very  unhappy  about  ifc— thinks  Na- 
poleon has  an  eye  on  this  country — capital  place  to  pasture  his 
horses,  and  provide  for  the  rest  of  his  family :— Dey-street — 
ancient  Dutch  name  of  it,  signifying  imirderers'  valley,  for- 
merly the  site  of  a  great  peach  orchard;  my  grandmother's 
history  of  the  famous  Peach  war— arose  from  an  Indian  steal- 
ing peaches  out  of  this  orchard ;  good  cause  as  need  be  for  a 
war;  just  as  good  as  the  balance  of  power.  Anecdote  of  a  war 
between  two  Italian  states  about  a  bucket;  introduce  some 
capital  new  truisms  about  the  folly  of  mankind,  the  ambition 
of  kings,  potentates,  and  princes;  particularly  Alexander, 
Csesar,  Charles  the  Xllth,  Napoleon,  little  King  Pepin,  and  the 
great  Charlemagne. — Conclude  with  an  exhortation  to  the 
present  race  of  sovereigns  to  keep  the  king's  peace  and  abstain 
from  all  those  deadly  quarrels  which  produce  battle,  murder, 
and  sudden  death :  mem.  ran  my  nose  against  a  lamp-post — 
conclude  in  great  dudgeon. 


FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 

OUR  cousin  Pindar,  after  having  been  confined  for  some 
time  past  with  a  fit  of  the  gout,  which  is  a  kind  of  keepsake  in 
our  family,  has  again  set  his  mill  going,  as  my  readers  will 
perceive.  On  reading  his  piece  I  could  not  help  smiling  at  the 
high  compliments  which,  contrary  to  his  usual  style,  he  has 
lavished  on  the  dear  sex.  The  old  gentleman,  unfortunately 


8 ALMA  O  UNDL  157 

observing  my  merriment,  stumped  out  of  the  room  with  great 
vociferation  of  crutch,  and  has  not  exchanged  three  words 
with  me  since.  I  expect  every  hour  to  hear  that  he  has 
packed  up  his  movables,  and,  as  usual  in  all  cases  of  disgust, 
retreated  to  his  old  country  house. 

Pindar,  like  most  of  the  old  Cockloft  heroes,  is  wonderfully 
susceptible  to  the  genial  influence  of  warm  weather.  In 
winter  he  is  one  of  the  most  crusty  old  bachelors  undei 
heaven,  and  is  wickedly  addicted  to  sarcastic  reflections  of 
every  kind ;  particularly  on  the  little  enchanting  foibles  and 
whim-whams  of  women.  But  when  the  spring  comes  on,  and 
the  mild  influence  of  the  sun  releases  nature  from  her  icy 
fetters,  the  ice  of  his  bosom  dissolves  into  a  gentle  current 
which  reflects  the  bewitching  qualities  of  the  fair;  as  in  some 
mild  clear  evening,  when  nature  reposes  in  silence,  the  stream 
bears  in  its  pure  bosom  all  the  starry  magnificence  of  heaven. 
It  is  under  the  control  of  this  influence  he  has  written  his 
piece ;  and  I  beg  the  ladies,  in  the  plenitude  of  their  harmless 
conceit,  not  to  flatter  themselves  that  because  the  good  Pindar 
has  suffered  them  to  escape  his  censures  he  had  nothing  more 
to  censure.  It  is  but  sunshine  and  zephyrs  which  have 
wrought  this  wonderful  change ;  and  I  am  much  mistaken  if 
the  first  north-easter  don't  convert  all  his  good  nature  into 
most  exquisite  spleen. 


FROM  THE  MILL  OF  PINDAR  COCKLOFT,  ESQ. 

How  often  I  cast  my  reflections  behind, 
And  call  up  the  days  of  past  youth  to  my  mind. 
When  folly  assails  in  habiliments  new, 
When  fashion  obtrudes  some  fresh  whim- wham  to  view; 
When  the  foplings  of  fashion  bedazzle  my  sight, 
Bewilder  my  feelings— my  senses  benight ; 
I  retreat  in  disgust  from  the  world  of  to-day, 
To  commune  with  the  world  that  has  moulder'd  away; 
To  converse  with  the  shades  of  those  friends  of  my  love, 
Long  gather'd  in  peace  to  the  angels  above. 

In  my  rambles  through  life  should  I  meet  with  annoy, 
From  the  bold  beardless  stripling— the  turbid  pert  boy, 
One  rear'd  in  the  mode  lately  reckon'd  genteel, 
Which  neglecting  the  head,  aims  to  perfect  the  heel; 


168  8ALMAQTTND1. 

Which  completes  the  sweet  fopling  while  yet  in  his  teens, 
And  fits  him  for  fashion's  light  changeable  scenes; 
Proclaims  him  a  man  to  the  near  and  the  fax, 
Can  he  dance  a  cotillion  or  smoke  a  segar; 
And  though  brainless  and  vapid  as  vapid  can  be, 
To  routs  and  to  parties  pronounces  him  free: — 
Oh,  I  think  on  the  beaux  that  existed  of  yore, 
On  those  rules  of  the  ton  that  exist  now  no  more! 

I  recall  with  delight  how  each  yonker  at  first 
In  the  cradle  of  science  and  virtue  was  nursed: 
—How  the  graces  of  person  and  graces  of  mind, 
The  polish  of  learning  and  fashion  combined, 
Till  softened  in  manners  and  strengthened  in  head, 
By  the  classical  lore  of  the  li ving  and  dead, 
Matured  in  his  person  till  manly  in  size, 
He  then  was  presented  a  beau  to  our  eyes  1 

My  nieces  of  late  have  made  frequent  complaint 
That  they  suffer  vexation  and  painful  constraint 
By  having  their  circles  too  often  distrest 
By  some  three  or  four  goslings  just  fledged  from  the  nest, 
Who,  propp'd  by  the  credit  their  fathers  sustain, 
Alike  tender  in  years  and  in  person  and  brain, 
But  plenteously  stock'd  with  that  substitute,  brass, 
For  true  wits  and  critics  would  anxiously  pass. 
They  complain  of  that  empty  sarcastical  slang, 
So  common  to  all  the  coxcombical  gang, 
Who  the  fair  with  their  shallow  experience  vex, 
By  thrumming  for  ever  their  weakness  of  sex ; 
And  who  boast  of  themselves,  when  they  talk  with  proud  ail 
Of  MAN'S  mental  ascendancy  over  the  fair. 

'Twas  thus  the  young  owlet  produced  in  the  nest, 
Where  the  eagle  of  Jove  her  young  eaglets  had  prest, 
Pretended  to  boast  of  his  royal  descent, 
And  vaunted  that  force  which  to  eagles  is  lent. 
Though  fated  to  shun  with  his  dim  visual  ray, 
The  cheering  delights  and  the  brilliance  of  day; 
To  forsake  the  fair  regions  of  aether  and  light, 
For  dull  moping  caverns  of  darkness  and  night: 
StiU  talk'd  of  that  eagle-like  strength  of  the  eye, 
Which  approaches  unwinking  the  pride  of  the  sky, 
Of  that  wing  which  unwearied  can  hover  and  play 
la  the  noon-tide  effulgence_and  torrent  of  day. 


SALMAGUNDI.  109 

Dear  girls,  the  sad  evils  of  which  ye  complain, 
Your  sex  must  endure  from  the  feeble  and  vain, 
'Tis  the  commonplace  jest  of  the  nursery  scape-goat, 
'Tis  the  commonplace  ballad  that  croaks  from  his  throat; 
He  knows  not  that  nature — that  polish  decrees, 
That  women  should  always  endeavour  to  please. 
That  the  law  of  their  system  has  early  imprest 
The  importance  of  fitting  themselves  to  each  guest  ^ 
And,  of  course,  that  full  oft  when  ye  trine  and  play, 
'Tis  to  gratify  triflers  who  strut  in  your  way. 
The  child  might  as  well  of  its  mother  complain, 
As  wanting  true  wisdom  and  soundness  of  brain: 
Because  that,  at  times,  while  it  hangs  on  her  breast. 
She  with  "  lulla-by-baby"  beguiles  it  to  rest. 
'Tis  its  weakness  of  mind  that  induces  the  strain, 
For  wisdom  to  infants  is  prattled  in  vain. 

'Tis  true  at  odd  times,  when  in  frolicsome  fit, 
In  the  midst  of  his  gambols,  the  mischievous  wit 
May  start  some  light  foible  that  clings  to  the  fair 
Like  cobwebs  that  fasten  to  objects  most  rare, — 
In  the  play  of  his  fancy  will  sportively  say 
Some  delicate  censure  that  pops  in  his  way, 
He  may  smile  at  your  fashions,  and  frankly  express 
His  dislike  of  a  dance,  or  a  flaming  red  dress ; 
Yet  he  blames  not^your  want  of  man's  physical  force, 
Nor  complains  though  ye  cannot  in  Latin  discourse. 
He  delights  in  the  language  of  nature  ye  speak, 
Though  not  so  refined  as  true  classical  Greek. 
He  remembers  that  Providence  never  design'd 
Our  females  like  suns  to  bewilder  and  blind ; 
But  like  the  mild  orb  of  pale  ev'ning  serene, 
Whose  radiance  illumines,  yet  softens  the  scene, 
To  light  us  with  cheering  and  welcoming  ray, 
Along  the  rude  path  when  the  sun  is  away. 

I  own  in  my  scribblings  I  lately  have  nam'd 
Some  faults  of  our  fair  which  I  gently  have  blam'd, 
But  be  it  for  ever  by  all  understood 
My  censures  were  only  pronounc'd  for  their  good. 
I  delight  in  the  sex,  'tis  the  pride  of  my  mind 
To  consider  them  gentle,  endearing,  refin'd ; 
As  our  solace  below  in  the  journey  of  life, 
To  smooth  its  rough  passes;— to  soften  its  strife: 


160  SALMAGUNDI. 

As  objects  intended  our  joys  to  supply, 
And  to  lead  us  in  love  to  the  temples  on  high. 
How  oft  have  I  felt,  when  two  lucid  blue  eyes, 
As  calm  and  as  bright  as  the  gems  of  the  skies, 
Have  beam'd  their  soft  radiance  into  my  soul, 
Impress'd  with  an  awe  like  an  angel's  control  1 

Yes,  fair  ones,  by  this  is  for  ever  defin'd 
The  fop  from  the  man  of  refinement  and  mind; 
The  latter  believes  ye  in  bounty  were  given 
As  a  bond  upon  earth  of  our  union  with  heaven: 
And  if  ye  are  weak,  and  are  frail,  in  his  view, 
'Tis  to  call  forth  fresh  warmth  and  hi?  fondness  renew4 
"Us  his  joy  to  support  these  defects  of  your  frame, 
And  his  love  at  your  weakness  redoubles  its  flame, 
He  rejoices  the  gem  is  so  rich  and  so  fair, 
£B&  is  TMTHwl  that  it  claims  bis  protection  and  car°. 


SALMAGUNDI.  161 


NO.  XIII.-FRIDAY,  AUGUST  14,  1807. 


FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 

I  WAS  not  a  little  perplexed,  a  short  time  since,  by  the  eccen- 
tric conduct  of  my  knowing  coadjutor,  Will  Wizard.  For 
two  or  three  days,  lie  was  completely  in  a  quandary.  He 
would  come  into  old  Cockloft's  parlour  ten  times  a  day,  swing- 
ing his  ponderous  legs  along  with  his  usual  vast  strides,  clap 
his  hands  into  his  sides,  contemplate  the  little  shepherdesses 
on  the  mantel-piece  for  a  few  minutes,  whistling  all  the  while, 
and  then  sally  out  fall  sweep,  without  uttering  a  word.  To  be 
sure,  a  pish  or  a  pshaw  occasionally  escaped  him;  and  he  was 
observed  once  to  pull  out  his  enormous  tobacco-box,  drum  for 
a  moment  upon  its  lid  with  his  knuckles,  and  then  return  it 
into  his  pocket  without  taking  a  quid:— 'twas  evident  Will 
was  full  of  some  mighty  idea: — not  that  his  restlessness  was 
any  way  uncommon ;  for  I  have  often  seen  Will  throw  himself 
almost  into  a  fever  of  heat  and  fatigue— doing  nothing.  But 
his  inflexible  taciturnity  set  the  whole  family,  as  usual  a  won- 
dering: as  Will  seldom  enters  the  house  without  giving  one  of 
his  "  one  thousand  and  one"  stories.  For  my  part,  I  began  to 
think  that  the  late  fracas  at  Canton  had  alarmed  Will  for  the 
safety  of  his  friends  Kinglun,  Chinqua,  and  Consequa;  or, 
that  something  had  gone  wrong  in  the  alterations  of  the  thea- 
tre—or that  some  new  outrage  at  Norfolk  had  put  him  in  a 
orry ;  in  short,  I  did  not  know  what  to  think ;  for  Will  is 
such  an  universal  busy-body,  and  meddles  so  much  in  every 
thing  going  forward,  that  you  might  as  well  attempt  to  con- 
jecture what  is  going  on  in  the  north  star,  as  in  his  precious 
pericranium.  Even  Mrs.  Cockloft,  who,  like  a  worthy  woman 
as  she  is,  seldom  troubles  herself  about  any  thing  in  this  world 
— saving  the  affairs  of  her  household,  and  the  correct  deport- 
ment of  her  female  friends-^-was  struck  with  the  mystery  of 


162  "     SALMAGUNJ)T. 

Will's  behaviour.  She  happened,  when  he  came  in  and  went 
out  the  tenth  time,  to  be  busy  darning  the  bottom  of  one  of 
the  old  red  damask  chairs ;  and  notwithstanding  this  is  to  her 
an  affair  of  vast  importance,  yet  she  could  not  help  turning 
round  and  exclaiming,  "I  wonder  what  can  be  the  matter  with 
Mr.  Wizard  ?"  "  Nothing,"  replied  old  Christopher,  "  only  we 
shall  have  an  eruption  soon."  The  old  lady  did  not  under- 
stand a  word  of  this,  neither  did  she  care ;  she  had  expressed 
her  wonder ;  and  that,  with  her,  is  always  sufficient. 

I  am  so  well  acquainted  with  Will's  peculiarities  that  I  can 
tell,  even  by  his  whistle,  when  he  is  about  an  essay  for  our 
paper  as  certainly  as  a  weather  wiseacre  knows  that  it  is  going 
to  rain  when  he  sees  a  pig  run  squeaking  about  with  his  nose 
in  the  wind.  I,  therefore,  laid  my  account  with  receiving  a 
communication  from  him  before  long;  and  sure  enough,  the 
evening  before  last  I  distinguished  his  free-mason  knock  at 
my  door.  I  have  seen  many  wise  men  in  my  time,  philoso- 
phers, mathematicians,  astronomers,  politicians,  editors  and 
almanac  makers ;  but  never  did  I  see  a  man  look  half  so  wise 
as  did  my  friend  Wizard  on  entering  the  room.  Had  Lavater 
beheld  him  at  that  moment  he  would  have  set  him  down,  to  a 
certainty,  as  a  fellow  who  had  just  discovered  the  longitude  or 
the  philosopher's  stone. 

Without  saying  a  word,  he  handed  me  a  roll  of  paper;  after 
which  he  lighted  his  segar,  sat  down,  crossed  his  legs,  folded 
his  arms,  and  elevating  his  nose  to  an  angle  of  about  forty-five 
degrees,  began  to  smoke  like  a  steam  engine ; — Will  delights  in 
the  picturesque.  On  opening  his  budget,  and  perceiving  th* 
motto,  it  struck  me  that  Will  had  brought  me  one  of  his  con- 
iminded  Chinese  manuscripts,  and  I  was  forthwith  going  to 
dismiss  it  with  indignation ;  but  accidentally  seeing  the  name 
of  our  oracle,  the  sage  Linkum,  of  whose  inestimable  folios  we 
pride  ourselves  upon  being  the  sole  possessors,  I  began  to  think 
the  better  of  it,  and  looked  round  to  Will  to  express  my  appro- 
bation. I  shall  never  forget  the  figure  he  cut  at  that  moment! 
He  had  watched  my  countenance,  on  opening  his  manuscript, 
with  the  argus  eyes  of  an  author :  and  perceiving  some  tokens 
of  disapprobation,  began,  according  to  custom,  to  puff  away 
at  his  segar  with  such  vigour  that  in  a  few  minutes  he  had  en- 
tirely involved  himself  in  smoke :  except  his  nose  and  one  foot, 
which  were  just  visible,  the  latter  wagging  with  great  velocity. 
I  believe  I  have  hinted  before — at  least  I  ought  to  have  done 
so— that  Will's  nose  is  a  very  goodly  nose;  to  which  it  may  be 


8 ALMA  0  UNI>L  163 

as  well  to  add,  that  in  Ms  voyages  under  the  tropics,  it  has  ac- 
quired a  copper  complexion,  which  renders  it  very  brilliant 
and  luminous.  You  may  imagine  what  a  sumptuous  appear- 
ance it  made,  projecting  boldly,  like  the  celebrated  promonto- 
rium  nasidium  at  Samos  with  a  light-house  upon  it,  and  sur- 
rounded on  all  sides  with  smoke  and  vapour.  Had  my  gravity 
been  like  the  Chinese  philosopher's  "within  one  degree  of  ab- 
solute frigidity,"  here  would  have  been  a  trial  for  it.— I  could 
not  stand  it,  but  burst  into  such  a  laugh  as  I  do  not  indulge  in 
above  once  in  a  hundred  years ; — this  was  too  much  for  Will ; 
he  emerged  from  his  cloud,  threw  his  segar  into  the  fire-place, 
and  strode  out  of  the  room,  pulling  up  his  breeches,  muttering 
something  which,  I  verily  believe,  was  nothing  more  than  a 
horrible  long  Chinese  malediction. 

He,  however,  left  his  manuscript  behind  him,  which  I  now 
give  to  the  world.  Whether  he  is  serious  on  the  occasion,  or 
only  bantering,  no  one,  I  believe,  can  tell:  for,  whether  in 
speaking  or  writing,  there  is  such  an  invincible  gravity  in  his 
demeanour  and  style,  that  even  I,  who  have  studied  him  as 
closely  as  an  antiquarian  studies  an  old  manuscript  or  inscrip- 
tion, am  frequently  at  a  loss  to  know  what  the  rogue  would  be 
at.  I  have  seen  him  indulge  in  his  favourite  amusement  of 
quizzing  for  hours  together,  without  any  one  having  the  least 
suspicion  of  the  matter,  until  he  would  suddenly  twist  his  phiz 
into  an  expression  that  baffles  all  description,  thrust  his  tongue 
in  his  cheek  and  blow  up  in  a  laugh  almost  as  loud  as  the  shout 
of  the  Eomans  on  a  certain  occasion ;  which  honest  Plutarch 
avers  frightened  several  crows  to  such  a  degree  that  they  fell 
down  stone  dead  into  the  Campus  Martins.  Jeremy  Cockloft 
the  younger,  who  like  a  true  modern  philosopher  delights  in 
experiments  that  are  of  no  kind  of  use,  took  the  trouble  to 
measure  one  of  Will's  risible  explosions,  and  declared  to  me 
that,  according  to  accurate  measurement,  it  contained  thirty 
feet  square  of  solid  laughter : — what  will  the  professors  say  to 
this? 


164  SALMAGUNDI. 


PLANS  FOR  DEFENDING  OUR  HARBOUR. 

BY    WILLIAM  WIZARD,   ESQ. 

Long-fong  teko  buzz  tor-pe-do, 

Fudge — Cbn/MctiM. 

We'll  blow  the  villains  all  sky  high; 

But  do  it  with  econo my.  —Link.  Fid. 

SURELY  never  was  a  town  more  subject  to  mid-summer  fan- 
cies and  dog-day  whim-whams,  than  this  most  excellent  of 
cities ; — our  notions,  like  our  diseases,  seem  all  epidemic ;  and 
no  sooner  does  a  new  disorder  or  a  new  freak  seize  one  individ- 
ual but  it  is  sure  to  run  through  all  the  community.  This  is 
particularly  the  case  when  the  summer  is  at  the  hottest,  and 
every  body's  head  is  in  a  vertigo  and  his  brain  in  a  ferment; 
*tis  absolutely  necessary  then  the  poor  souls  should  have  some 
bubble  to  amuse  themselves  with,  or  they  would  certainly  run 
mad.  Last  year  the  poplar  worm  made  its  appearance  most 
fortunately  for  our  citizens ;  and  every  body  was  so  much  in 
horror  of  being  poisoned,  and  devoured ;  and  so  busied  in  mak- 
ing humane  experiments  on  cats  and  dogs,  that  we  got  through 
the  summer  quite  comfortably ; — the  cats  had  the  worst  of  it ; 
— every  mouser  of  them  was  shaved,  and  there  was  not  a 
whisker  to  be  seen  in  the  whole  sisterhood.  This  summer 
every  body  has  had  full  employment  in  planning  fortifications 
for  our  harbour.  Not  a  cobbler  or  tailor  in  the  city  but  has 
left  his  awl  and  his  thimble,  become  an  engineer  outright,  and 
aspired  most  magnanimously  to  the  building  of  forts  and  de- 
struction of  navies !— heavens !  as  my  friend  Mustapha  would 
Bay,  on  what  a  great  scale  is  every  thing  in  this  country ! 

Among  the  various  plans  that  have  been  offered,  the  most 
conspicuous  is  one  devised  and  exhibited,  as  I  am  informed,  by 
that  notable  confederacy,  THE  NORTH  RIVER  SOCIETY. 

Anxious  to  redeem  their  reputation  from  the  foul  suspicions 
that  have  for  a  long  time  overclouded  it,  these  aquatic  incendi- 
aries have  come  forward,  at  the  present  alarming  juncture, 
and  announced  a  most  potent  discovery  which  is  to  guarantee 
our  port  from  the  visits  of  any  foreign  marauders.  The  society 
have,  it  seems,  invented  a  cunning  machine,  shrewdly  yclep'ii 
a  Torpedo;  by  which  the  stoutest  line  of  battle  ship,  even  a 


SALMAGUNDI.  165 

Santissima  Trinidada,  may  be  caught  napping  and  decomposed 
in  a  twinkling;  a  kind  of  sub -marine  powder-magazine  to 
swim  under  water,  like  an  aquatic  mole,  or  water  rat,  and  de- 
stroy the  enemy  in  the  moments  of  unsuspicious  security. 

This  straw  tickled  the  noses  of  all  our  dignitaries  wonder- 
fully ;  for  to  do  our  government  justice,  it  has  no  objection  to 
injuring  and  exterminating  its  enemies  in  any  manner— pro- 
vided the  thing  can  be  done  economically. 

It  was  determined  the  experiment  should  be  tried,  and  an 
old  brig  was  purchased,  for  not  more  than  twice  its  value,  and 
delivered  over  into  the  hands  of  its  tormentors,  the  North 
River  Society,  to  be  tortured,  and  battered,  and  annihilated, 
secundum  artem.  A  day  was  appointed  for  the  occasion,  when 
all  the  good  citizens  of  the  wonder-loving  city  of  Gotham  were 
invited  to  the  blowing  up ;  like  the  fat  inn-keeper  in  Eabelais, 
who  requested  all  his  customers  to  come  on  a  certain  day  and 
see  him  burst. 

As  I  have  almost  as  great  a  veneration  as  the  good  Mr.  Wal- 
ter Shandy  for  all  kinds  of  experiments  that  are  ingeniously 
ridiculous,  I  made  very  particular  mention  of  the  one  in  ques- 
tion, at  the  table  of  my  friend  Christopher  Cockloft ;  but  it  put 
the  honest  old  gentleman  in  a  violent  passion.  He  condemned  it 
in  toto,  as  an  attempt  to  introduce  a  dastardly  and  exterminating 
mode  of  warfare.  "  Already  have  we  proceeded  far  enough," 
said  he,  "in  the  science  of  destruction ;  war  is  already  invested 
with  sufficient  horrors  and  calamities,  let  us  not  increase  the 
catalogue ;  let  us  not  by  these  deadly  artifices  provoke  a  sys- 
tem of  insidious  and  indiscriminate  hostility,  that  shall  termin- 
ate in  laying  our  cities  desolate,  and  exposing  our  women,  our 
children,  and  our  infirm  to  the  sword  of  pitiless  recrimination." 
Honest  old  cavalier !— it  was  evident  he  did  not  reason  as  a  true 
politician, — but  he  felt  as  a  Christian  and  philanthropist;  and 
that  was,  perhaps,  just  as  well. 

It  may  be  readily  supposed,  that  our  citizens  did  not  refuse 
the  invitation  of  the  society  to  the  blow-up ;  it  was  the  first 
naval  action  ever  exhibited  in  our  port,  and  the  good  people  all 
crowded  to  see  the  British  navy  blown  up  in  effigy.  The  young 
ladies  were  delighted  with  the  novelty  of  the  show,  and  de- 
clared that  if  war  could  be  conducted  in  this  manner,  it  would 
become  a  fashionable  amusement;  and  the  destruction  of  a 
floet  be  as  pleasant  as  a  ball  or  a  tea-party.  The  old  folk  were 
equally  pleased  with  the  spectacle, — because  it  cost  them  noth- 
ing. Dear  souls,  how  hard  was  it  they  should  be  disappointed; 


166  BALMAGUNDL 

the  brig  most  obstinately  refused  to  be  decomposed ;  the  din- 
ners grew  cold,  and  the  puddings  were  over-boiled,  throughout 
the  renowned  city  of  Gotham:  and  its  sapient  inhabitants,  like 
the  honest  Strasburghers,  from  whom  most  of  them  are  doubt- 
loss  descended,  who  went  out  to  see  the  courteous  stranger  and 
his  nose,  all  returned  home  after  having  threatened  to  pull 
down  the  flag-staff  by  way  of  taking  satisfaction  for  their  dis- 
appointment. By  the  way,  their  is  not  an  animal  in  the  world 
more  discriminating  in  its  vengeance  than  a  free-born  mob. 

In  the  evening  I  repaired  to  friend  Hogg's  to  smoke  a  socia- 
ble segar,  but  had  scarcely  entered  the  room  when  I  was  taken 
prisoner  by  my  friend,  Mr.  Icbabod  Fungus ;  who,  I  soon  saw 
was  at  his  usual  trade  of  prying  into  mill-stones.  The  old  gen- 
tleman informed  me,  that  the  brig  had  actually  blown  up, 
after  a  world  of  manoeuvring,  and  had  nearly  blown  up  the 
society  with  it ;  he  seemed  to  entertain  strong  doubts  as  to  the 
objects  of  the  society  in  the  invention  of  these  infernal  ma- 
chines ; — hinted  a  suspicion  of  their  wishing  to  set  the  river  on 
fire,  and  that  he  should  not  be  surprised  on  waking  one  of 
these  mornings  to  find  the  Hudson  in  a  blaze.  "Not  that  I 
disapprove  of  the  plan,"  said  he,  "provided  it  has  the  end  in 
view  which  they  profess ;  no,  no,  an  excellent  plan  of  defence ; 
— no  need  of  batteries,  forts,  frigates,  and  gun-boats ;  observe, 
sir,  all  that's  necessary  is  that  the  ships  must  come  to  anchor 
in  a  convenient  place ; — watch  must  be  asleep,  or  so  compla- 
cent as  not  to  disturb  any  boats  paddling  about  them— fair 
wind  and  tide— no  moonlight — machines  well-directed— musn't 
flash  in  the  plan — bang's  the  word,  and  the  vessel's  blown  up 
in  a  moment !"  "  Good,"  said  I,  " you  remind  me  of  a  lubberly 
Chinese  who  was  flogged  by  an  honest  captain  of  my  acquaint- 
ance, and  who,  on  being  advised  to  retaliate,  exclaimed — '  Hi 
yah !  s'pose  two  men  hold  fast  him  captain,  den  very  mush  me 
bamboo  he !' " 

The  old  gentleman  grew  a  little  crusty,  and  insisted  that  I 
did  not  understand  him ; — all  that  was  requisite  to  render  the 
effect  certain  was,  that  the  enemy  should  enter  into  the  pro- 
ject ;  or,  in  other  words,  be  agreeable  to  the  measure ;  so  that 
if  the  machine  did  not  come  to  the  ship,  the  ship  should  go  to 
the  machine ;  by  which  means  he  thought  the  success  of  the 
machine  would  be  inevitable — provided  it  struck  fire.  "But 
do  not  you  think,"  said  I,  doubtingly,  "that  it  would  be  rather 
difficult  to  persuade  the  enemy  into  such  an  agreement? — Some 
people  have  an  invincible  antipathy  to  being  blown  up."  "  Not 


SALMAGUNDI.  167 

at  all,  not  at  all,"  replied  he,  triumphantly;  "got  an  excellent 
notion  for  that;— do  with  them  as  we  have  done  with  the  brig; 
buy  all  the  vessels  we  mean  to  destroy,  and  blow  'em  up  as 
best  suits  our  convenience.  I  have  thought  deeply  on  that 
subject  and  have  calculated  to  a  certainty,  that  if  our  funds 
hold  out  we  may  in  this  way  destroy  the  whole  British  uavy— 
by  contract." 

By  this  time  all  the  quidnuncs  of  the  room  had  gathered 
around  us,  each  pregnant  with  some  mighty  .scheme  for  the  sal- 
vation of  his  country. — One  pathetically  lamented  that  we  had 
no  such  men  among  us  as  the  famous  Toujoursdort  and  Grossi- 
fcout;  who,  when  the  celebrated  captain  Tranchemont  made 
war  against  the  city  of  Kalacahabalaba,  utterly  discomfited 
the  great  king  Bigstaff,  and  blew  up  his  whole  army  by  sneez- 
ing.— Another  imparted  a  sage  idea,  which  seems  to  have  oc- 
cupied more  heads  than  one ;  that  is,  that  the  best  way  of 
fortifying  the  harbour  was  to  ruin  it  at  once ;  choke  the  chan- 
nel with  rocks  and  blocks ;  strew  it  with  chevaux-de-frises  and 
torpedoes ;  and  make  it  like  a  nursery -garden,  full  of  men-traps 
and  spring-guns.  No  vessel  would  then  have  the  temerity  to 
enter  our  harbour;  we  should  not  even  dare  to  navigate  it  our- 
selves. Or  if  no  cheaper  way  could  be  devised,  let  Governor's 
Island  be  raised  by  levers  and  pulleys— floated  with  empty 
casks,  &c.,  towed  down  to  the  Narrows,  and  dropped  plump 
in  the  very  mouth  of  the  harbour! — "But,"  said  I,  "would 
not  the  prosecution  of  these  whim-whams  be  rather  expensive 
and  dilatory?" "  Pshaw !"  cried  the  other— "what's  a  mil- 
lion of  money  to  an  experiment ;  the  true  spirit  of  our  economy 
requires  that  we  should  spare  no  expense  in  discovering  the 
cheapest  mode  of  defending  ourselves;  and  then  if  all  these 
modes  should  fail,  why,  you  know  the  worst  we  have  to  do  is 
to  return  to  the  old-fashioned  hum-drum  mode  of  forts  and 
batteries."  "By  which  time,"  cried  I,  "the  arrival  of  the 
enemy  may  have  rendered  their  erection  superfluous." 

A  shrewd  old  gentleman,  who  stood  listening  by,  with  a  mis- 
chievously equivocal  look,  observed  that  the  most  effectual 
mode  of  repulsing  a  fleet  from  our  ports  would  be  to  admin- 
ister them  a  proclamation  from  time  to  time,  till  it  operated. 

Unwilling  to  leave  the  company  without  demonstrating  my 
patriotism  and  ingenuity,  I  communicated  a  plan  of  defence; 
which,  in  truth,  was  suggested  long  since  by  that  infallible 
oracle  MUSTAPHA,  who  had  as  clear  a  head  for  cobweb- weaving 
as  ever  dignified  the  shoulders  of  a  projector.  He  thought  the 


168  SALMAGUNDI. 

most  effectual  mode  would  be  to  assemble  all  the  slang-whang* 
ers,  great  and  small,  from  all  parts  of  the  state,  and  marshal 
them  at  the  battery;  where  they  should  be  exposed,  point 
blank,  to  the  enemy,  and  form  a  tremendous  body  of  scolding 
infantry;  similar  to  the  poissards  or  doughty  champions  of 
Billingsgate.  They  should  be  exhorted  to  fire  away,  without 
pity  or  remorse,  in  sheets,  half-sheets,  columns,  hand-bills,  or 
squibs ;  great  canon,  little  canon,  pica,  german-text,  stereotype, 
and  to  run  their  enemies  through  and  through  with  sharp- 
pointed  italics.  They  should  have  orders  to  show  no  quarter — 
to  blaze  away  in  their  loadest  epithets "  miscreants!"  "  mur- 
derers!" "barbarians!"  "pirates!"  "robbers!"  "BLACKGUARDS!" 
and  to  do  away  all  fear  of  consequences,  they  should  be  guar- 
anteed from  all  dangers  of  pillory,  kicking,  cuffing,  nose-pull- 
ing, whipping-post,  or  prosecution  for  libels.  If,  continued 
Mustapha,  you  wish  men  to  fight  well  and  valiantly,  they 
must  be  allowed  those  weapons  they  have  been  used  to  handle. 
Your  countrymen  are  notoriously  adroit  in  the  management  of 
the  tongue  and  the  pen,  and  conduct  all  their  battles  by 
speeches  or  newspapers.  Adopt,  therefore,  the  plan  I  have 
pointed  out;  and  rely  upon  it  that  let  any  fleet,  however  large, 
be  but  once  assailed  by  this  battery  of  slang- whangers,  and  if 
they  have  not  entirely  lost  the  sense  of  hearing,  or  a  regard 
for  their  own  characters  and  feelings,  they  will,  at  the  very 
first  fire,  slip  their  cables  and  retreat  with  as  much  precipita- 
tion as  if  they  had  unwarily  entered  into  the  atmosphere  of 
the  Bohan  upas.  In  this  manner  may  your  wars  be  conducted 
with  proper  economy ;  and  it  will  cost  no  more  to  drive  off  a 
fleet  than  to  write  up  a  party,  or  write  down  a  bashaw  with 
three  tails. 

The  sly  old  gentleman,  I  have  before  mentioned,  was  highly 
delighted  with  this  plan;  and  proposed,  as  an  improvement, 
that  mortars  should  be  placed  on  the  battery,  which,  instead 
of  throwing  shells  and  such  trifles,  might  be  charged  with 
newspapers,  Tammany  addresses,  etc.,  by  way  of  red-hot  shot, 
which  would  undoubtedly  be  very  potent  in  blowing  up  any 
powder-magazine  they  might  chance  to  come  in  contact  with. 
He  concluded  by  informing  the  company,  that  in  the  course  of 
a  few  evenings  he  would  have  the  honour  to  present  them  with 
a  scheme  for  loading  certain  vessels  with  newspapers,  resolu- 
tions of  "  numerous  and  respectable  meetings,"  and  other  com- 
bustibles, which  vessels  were  to  bo  blown  directly  in  the  midst 
of  the  enemy  by  the  bellows  of  the  slang- whangers ;  and  he 


SALMA  O  UNDL  1 69 

was  much  mistaken  if  they  would  not  be  more  fatal  than  fire- 
ships,  bomb-ketches,  gun-boats,  or  even  torpedoes. 

These  are  but  two  or  three  specimens  of  the  nature  and  effi- 
cacy of  the  innumerable  plans  with  which  this  city  abounds. 
Every  body  seems  charged  to  the  muzzle  with  gunpowder, — 
every  eye  flashes  fireworks  and  torpedoes,  and  every  corner  is 
occupied  by  knots  of  inflammatory  projectors;  not  one  of 
whom  but  has  some  preposterous  mode  of  destruction  which 
he  has  proved  to  be  infallible  by  a  previous  experiment  in  a 
tub  of  water ! 

Even  Jeremy  Cockloft  has  caught  the  infection,  to  the  great 
annoyance  of  the  inhabitants  of  Cockloft-hall,  whither  he  re- 
tired to  make  his  experiments  undisturbed.  At  one  time  all 
the  mirrors  in  the  house  were  unhung,  —their  collected  rays 
thrown  into  the  hot-house,  to  try  Archimedes'  plan  of  burning 
glasses ;  and  the  honest  old  gardener  was  almost  knocked  down 
by  what  he  mistook  for  a  stroke  of  the  sun,  but  which  turned 
out  to  be  nothing  more  than  a  sudden  attack  of  one  of  these 
tremendous  jack-o'-lanterns.  It  became  dangerous  to  walk 
through  the  court-yard  for  fear  of  an  explosion ;  and  the  whole 
family  was  thrown  into  absolute  distress  and  consternation  by 
a  letter  from  the  old  housekeeper  to  Mrs.  Cockloft ;  informing 
her  of  his  having  blown  up  a  favourite  Chinese  gander,  which 
I  had  brought  from  Canton,  as  he  was  majestically  sailing  in 
the  duck-pond. 

"  In  the  multitude  of  counsellors  there  is  safety ;"— if  so,  the 
defenceless  city  of  Gotham  has  nothing  to  apprehend ;— but 
much  do  I  fear  that  so  many  excellent  and  infallible  projects 
will  be  presented,  that  we  shall  be  at  a  loss  which  to  adopt ;  and 
the  peaceable  inhabitants  fare  like  a  famous  projector  of  my 
acquaintance,  whose  house  was  unfortunately  plundered  while 
he  was  contriving  a  patent  lock  to  secure  his  door. 


FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 

A  RETROSPECT;  OR,  "WHAT  YOU  WILL." 

LOLLING  in  my  elbow-chair  this  fine  summer  noon,  I  feel 
myself  insensibly  yielding  to  that  genial  feeling  of  indolence 
the  season  is  so  well  fitted  to  inspire.  Every  one  who  is  blessed 


170  SALMAGUNDI. 

with  a  little  of  the  delicious  languor  of  disposition  that  delights 
in  repose,  must  often  have  sported  among  the  fairy  scenes,  the 
golden  visions,  the  voluptuous  reveries,  that  swim,  before  the 
imagination  at  such  moments,  and  which  so  much  resemble 
those  blissful  sensations  a  Mussulman  enjoys  after  his  favourite 
indulgence  of  opium,  which  Will  Wizard  declares  can  be  com- 
pared to  nothing  but  "swimming  in  an  ocean  of  peacocks' 
feathers.  In  such  a  mood,  every  body  must  be  insensible  it 
would  be  idle  and  unprofitable  for  a  man  to  send  his  wits  a-gad- 
ding  on  a  voyage  of  discovery  into  futurity ;  or  even  to  trouble 
himself  with  a  laborious  investigation  of  what  is  actually  pass- 
ing under  his  eye.  We  are  at  such  times  more  disposed  to  re- 
sort to  the  pleasures  of  memory  than  to  those  of  the  imagina- 
tion ;  and,  like  the  wayfaring  traveller,  reclining  for  a  moment 
on  his  staff,  had  rather  contemplate  the  ground  we  have 
travelled,  than  the  region  which  is  yet  before  us. 

I  could  here  amuse  myself  and  stultify  my  readers  with  a 
most  elaborate  and  ingenious  parallel  between  authors  and 
travellers ;  but  in  this  balmy  season  which  makes  men  stupid 
and  dogs  mad,  and  when  doubtless  many  of  our  most  strenuous 
admirers  have  great  difficulty  in  keeping  awake  through  the 
day,  it  would  be  cruel  to  saddle  them  with  the  formidable  diffi- 
culty of  putting  two  ideas  together  and  drawing  a  conclusion; 
or  in  the  learned  phrase,  forging  syllogisms  in  Baroco:—a, 
terrible  undertaking  for  the  dog  days !  to  say  the  truth,  my 
observations  were  only  intended  to  prove  that  this,  of  all 
others,  is  the  most  auspicious  moment,  and  my  present,  the 
most  favourable  mood  for  indulging  in  a  restrospect.  Whether, 
like  certain  great  personages  of  the  day,  in  attempting  to 
prove  one  thing,  I  have  exposed  another ;  or  whether,  like  cer- 
tain other  great  personages,  in  attempting  to  prove  a  great 
deal,  I  have  proved  nothing  at  all,  I  leave  to  my  readers  to 
decide;  provided  they  have  the  power  and  inclination  so  to  do; 
but  a  RETROSPECT  will  I  take  notwithstanding. 

I  am  perfectly  aware  that  in  doing  this  I  shall  lay  myself 
open  to  the  charge  of  imitation,  than  which  a  man  might  be 
better  accused  of  downright  house-breaking;  for  it  has  been  a 
standing  rule  with  many  of  my  illustrious  predecessors,  occa- 
sionally, and  particularly  at  the  conclusion  of  a  volume,  to  look 
over  then-  shoulder  and  chuckle  at  the  miracles  they  had 
achieved.  But  as  I  before  professed,  I  am  determined  to  hold 
myself  entirely  independent  of  all  manner  of  opinions  and 
criticisms  as  the  only  method  of  getting  on  in  this  world  in  any 


SALMAGUNDI.  Yll 

thing  like  a  straight  line.  True  it  is,  I  may  sometimes  seem  to 
angle  a  little  for  the  good  opinion  of  mankind  by  giving  them 
some  excellent  reasons  for  doing  unreasonable  things ;  but  this 
is  merely  to  show  them,  that  although  I  may  occasionally  go 
wrong,  it  is  not  for  want  of  knowing  how  to  go  right ;  and  here 
I  will  lay  down  a  maxim,  which  will  for  ever  entitle  me  to  the 
gratitude  of  my  inexperienced  readers,  namely,  that  a  man 
always  gets  more  credit  in  the  eyes  of  this  naughty  world  for 
sinning  wilfully,  than  for  sinning  through  sheer  ignorance. 

It  will  doubtless  be  insisted  by  many  ingenious  cavillers, 
who  will  be  meddling  with  what  does  not  at  all  concern  them, 
that  this  retrospect  should  have  been  taken  at  the  commence- 
ment of  our  second  volume ;  it  is  usual,  I  know :  moreover,  it  is 
natural.  So  soon  as  a  writer  has  once  accomplished  a  volume, 
he  forthwith  becomes  wonderfully  increased  in  altitude !  he  steps 
upon  his  book  as  upon  a  pedestal,  and  is  elevated  in  proportion 
to  its  magnitude.  A  duodecimo  makes  him  one  inch  taller;  an 
octavo,  three  inches,  a  quarto,  six : — but  he  who  has  made  out 
to  swell  a  folio,  looks  down  upon  his  fellow-creatures  from  such 
a  fearful  height  that,  ten  to  one,  the  poor  man's  head  is  turned 
for  ever  afterwards.  From  such  a  lofty  situation,  therefore,  it 
is  natural  an  author  should  cast  his  eyes  behind ;  and  having 
reached  the  first  landing  place  on  the  stairs  of  immortality, 
may  reasonably  be  allowed  to  plead  his  privilege  to  look  back 
over  the  height  he  has  ascended.  I  have  deviated  a  little  from 
this  venerable  custom,  merely  that  our  retrospect  might  fall 
in  the  dog  days — of  all  days  in  the  year,  most  congenial  to  the 
indulgence  of  a  little  self-sufficiency ;  inasmuch  as  people  have 
then  little  to  do  but  to  retire  within  the  sphere  of  self,  and  make 
the  most  of  what  they  find  there. 

Let  it  not  be  supposed,  however,  that  we  think  ourselves  a 
whit  the  wiser  or  better  since  we  have  finished  our  volume 
than  we  were  before ;  on  the  contrary,  we  seriously  assure  our 
readers  that  we  were  fully  possessed  of  all  the  wisdom  and 
morality  it  contains  at  the  moment  we  commenced  writing. 
It  is  the  world  which  has  grown  wiser, — not  us ;  we  have  thrown 
our  mite  into  the  common  stock  of  knowledge,  we  have  shared 
our  morsel  with  the  ignorant  multitude ;  and  so  far  from  ele- 
vating ourselves  above  the  world,  our  sole  endeavor  has  been 
to  raise  the  world  to  our  own  level,  and  make  it  as  wise  as  we, 
its  disinterested  benefactors. 

To  a  moral  writer  like  myself,  who,  next  to  his  own  comfort 
and  entertainment,  has  the  good  of  his  fellow-citizens  at  heart, 


172  SALMAGUNDI. 

a  retrospect  is  but  a  sorry  amusement.  Like  the  industrious 
husbandman,  he  often  contemplates  in  silent  disappointment 
his  labours  wasted  on  a  barren  soil,  or  the  seeds  he  has  carefully 
sown,  choked  by  a  redundancy  of  worthless  weeds.  I  expected 
long  ere  this  to  have  seen  a  complete  reformation  in  manner 
and  morals,  achieved  by  our  united  efforts.  My  fancy  echoed  to 
the  applauding  voices  of  a  retrieved  generation ;  I  anticipated, 
with  proud  satisfaction,  the  period,  not  far  distant,  when  our 
work  would  be  introduced  into  the  academies  with  which  every 
lane  and  alley  of  our  cities  abounds ;  when  our  precepts  would 
be  gently  inducted  into  every  unlucky  urchin  by  force  of 
birch,  and  my  iron-bound  physiogomy,  as  taken  by  Will  Wiz- 
ard, be  as  notorious  as  that  of  Noah  Webster,  junr.  Esq.,  or 
his  no  less  renowned  predecessor,  the  illustrious  Dilworth,  of 
spelling-book  immortality.  But,  well-a-day !  to  let  my  readers 
into  a  profound  secret — the  expectations  of  man  are  like  the 
varied  hues  that  tinge  the  distant  prospect ;  never  to  be  realized, 
never  to  be  enjoyed  but  in  perspective.  Luckless  Launcelot, 
that  the  humblest  of  the  many  air  castles  thou  hast  erected 
should  prove  a  "  baseless  fabric!"  Much  does  it  grieve  me  to 
confess,  that  after  all  our  lectures,  and  excellent  admonitions, 
the  people  of  NEW- YORK  are  nearly  as  much  given  to  back- 
sliding and  ill-nature  as  ever;  they  are  just  as  much  abandoned 
to  dancing,  and  tea-drinking ;  and  as  to  scandal,  Will  Wizard 
informs  me  that,  by  a  rough  computation,  since  the  last  cargo 
of  gunpowder-tea  from  Canton,  no  less  than  eighteen  characters 
have  been  blown  up,  besides  a  number  of  others  that  have  been 
wofully  shattered. 

The  ladies  still  labour  under  the  same  scarcity  of  muslins, 
and  delight  in  flesh-coloured  silk  stockings ;  it  is  evident,  how- 
ever, that  our  advice  has  had  very  considerable  effect  on  them, 
as  they  endeavour  to  act  as  opposite  to  it  as  possible;  this 
being  what  Evergreen  calls  female  independence.  As  to  the 
Straddles,  they  abound  as  much  as  ever  in  Broadway,  partic- 
ularly on  Sundays;  and  Wizzard  roundly  asserts  that  he 
supped  in  company  with  a  knot  of  them  a  few  evenings  since, 
when  they  liquidated  a  whole  Birmingham  consignment,  in  a 
batch  of  imperial  champaign.  I  have,  furthermore,  in  the 
course  of  a  month  past,  detected  no  less  than  three  Giblet 
families  making  their  first  onf  et  towards  style  and  gentility  in 
the  very  manner  we  have  heretofore  reprobated.  Nor  have 
our  utmost  eCorts  been  able  to  check  the  progress  of  that 
alarming  epidemic,  the  rage  for  punning,  which,  though 


SALMAGUNDI.  173 

doubtless  originally  intended  merely  to  ornament  and  enliven 
conversation  by  little  sports  of  fancy,  threatens  to  overrun  and 
poison  the  whole,  like  the  baneful  ivy  which  destroys  the  use- 
ful plant  it  first  embellished.  Now  I  look  upon  an  habitual 
punster  as  a  depredator  upon  conversation;  and  I  have 
remarked  sometimes  one  of  these  offenders,  sitting  silent  on 
the  watch  for  an  hour  together  until  some  luckless  wight,  un- 
fortunately for  the  ease  and  quiet  of  the  company,  dropped  a 

phrase  susceptible  of  a  double  meaning; — when pop,   our 

punster  would  dart  out  like  a  veteran  mouser  from  her  covert, 
seize  the  unlucky  word,  and  after  worrying  and  mumbling  at 
it  until  it  was  capable  of  no  further  marring,  relapse  again 
into  silent  watchfulness,  and  lie  in  wait  for  another  opportu- 
nity.—Even  this  might  be  borne  with,  by  the  aid  of  a  little 
philosophy ;  but  the  worst  of  it  is,  they  are  not  content  to 
manufacture  puns  and  laugh  heartily  at  them  themselves ;  but 
they  expect  we  should  laugh  with  them ;— which  I  consider  as 
an  intolerable  hardship,  and  a  flagrant  imposition  on  good-na- 
ture. Let  those  gentlemen  fritter  away  conversation  with  im- 
punity, and  deal  out  their  wits  in  sixpenny  bits  if  they  please ; 
but  I  beg  I  may  have  the  choice  of  refusing  currency  to  their 
small  change.  I  am  seriously  afraid,  however,  that  our  junto 
is  not  quite  free  from  the  infection ;  nay,  that  it  has  even  ap- 
proached so  near  as  to  menace  the  tranquillity  of  my  elbow- 
chair:  for,  Will  Wizzard,  as  we  were  in  caucus  the  other  night, 
absolutely  electrified  Pindar  and  myself  with  a  most  palpable 
and  perplexing  pun;  had  it  been  a  torpedo,  it  could  not  have 
more  discomposed  the  fraternity.  Sentence  of  banishment 
was  unanimously  decreed;  but  on  his  confessing  that,  like 
many  celebrated  wits,  he  was  merely  retailing  other  men's 
wares  on  commission,  he  was  for  that  once  forgiven  on  condi- 
tion of  refraining  from  such  diabolical  practices  in  future. 
Pindar  is  particularly  outrageous  against  punsters ;  and  quite 
astonished  and  put  me  to  a  nonplus  a  day  or  two  since,  by  ask- 
ing abruptly  "whether  I  thought  a  punster  could  be  a  good 
Christain?"  He  followed  up  his  question  triumphantly  by 
offering  to  prove,  by  sound  logic  and  historical  fact,  that  the 
Eoman  empire  owed  its  decline  and  fall  to  a  pun ;  and  that 
nothing  tended  so  much  to  demoralize  the  French  nation,  as 
their  abominable  rage  forjeux  de  mots. 

But  what,  above  every  thing  else,  has  caused  me  much  vex- 
ation of  spirit,  and  displeased  me  most  with  this  stiff-necked 
nation,  is,  that  in  spite  of  all  the  serious  and  profound  censures 


174  SALMAGUNDI. 

of  the  sage  Mustapha,  in  his  various  letters — they  will  talk  I— 
they  will  still  wag  their  tongues,  and  chatter  like  very  slang- 
whangers!  this  is  a  degree  of  obstinacy  incomprehensible  in 
the  extreme ;  and  is  another  proof  how  alarming  is  the  force  of 
habit,  and  how  difficult  it  is  to  reduce  beings,  accustomed  to 
talk,  to  that  state  of  silence  which  is  the  very  acme  of  human 
jwisdom. 

'  We  can  only  account  for  these  disappointments  in  our  mod- 
erate and  reasonable  expectations,  by  supposing  the  world  so 
deeply  sunk  in  the  mire  of  delinquency,  that  not  even  Her- 
cules, were  he  to  put  his  shoulder  to  the  axletree,  would  be 
able  to  extricate  it.  We  comfort  ourselves,  however,  by  the 
reflection  that  there  are  at  least  three  good  men  left  in  this  de- 
generate age  to  benefit  the  world  by  example  should  precept 
ultimately  fail.  And  borrowing,  for  once,  an  example  from 
certain  sleepy  writers,  who,  after  the  first  emotions  of  surprise 
in  finding  their  invaluable  effusions  neglected  or  despised,  con- 
sole themselves  with  the  idea  that  'tis  a  stupid  age,  and  look 
forward  to  posterity  for  redress; — we  bequeath  our  volume 
to  future  generations,— and  much  good  may  it  do  them. 
Heaven  grant  they  may  be  able  to  read  it !  for,  if  our  fashion- 
able mode  of  education  continues  to  improve,  as  of  late,  I  am 
under  serious  apprehensions  that  the  period  is  not  far  distant 
when  the  discipline  of  the  dancing  master  will  supersede  that 
of  the  grammarian ;  crotchets  and  quavers  supplant  the  alpha- 
bet ;  and  the  heels,  by  an  antipodean  manoeuvre,  obtain  entire 
pre-eminence  over  the  head.  How  does  my  heart  yearn  for 
poor  dear  posterity,  when  this  work  shall  become  as  unintelli- 
gible to  our  grandchildren  as  it  seems  to  be  to  their  grand- 
fathers and  grandmothers. 

In  fact,  for  I  love  to  be  candid,  we  begin  to  suspect  that 
many  people  read  our  numbers  merely  for  their  amusement, 
without  paying  any  attention  to  the  serious  truths  conveyed  in 
every  page.  Unpardonable  want  of  penetration  1  not  that  we 
wish  to  restrict  our  readers  in  the  article  of  laughing,  which 
we  consider  as  one  of  the  dearest  prerogatives  of  man,  and  the 
distinguishing  characteristic  which  raises  him  above  all  other 
animals:  let  them  laugh,  therefore,  if  they  will,  provided 
they  profit  at  the  same  time,  and  do  not  mistake  our  object. 
It  is  one  of  our  indisputable  facts  that  it  is  easier  to  laugh  ten 
follies  out  of  countenance  than  to  coax,  reason  or  flog  a  man 
out  of  one.  In  this  odd,  singular,  and  indescribable  age,  which 
is  neither  the  age  of  gold,  silver,  iron,  brass,  chivalry,  or  pills, 


8 ALMA  G  UNDI.  175 

as  Sir  John  Carr  asserts,  a  grave  writer  who  attempts  to 
attack  folly  with  the  heavy  artillery  of  moral  reasoning,  will 
fare  like  Smollet's  honest  pedant,  who  clearly  demonstrated  by 
angles,  &c.,  after  the  manner  of  Euclid,  that  it  was  wrong  to 
do  evil ;— and  was  laughed  at  for  his  pains.  Take  my  word  for 
it,  a  little  well-applied  ridicule,  like  Hannibal's  application  of 
vinegar  to  rocks,  will  do  more  with  certain  hard  heads  and  ob- 
durate hearts,  than  all  the  logic  or  demonstrations  in  Longinus 
or  Euclid.  But  the  people  of  Gotham,  wise  souls,  are  so  much 
accustomed  to  see  morality  approach  them  clothed  in  formida- 
ble wigs  and  sable  garbs,  "with  leaden  eye  that  loves  the 
ground,"  that  they  can  never  recognize  her  when,  drest  in 
gay  attire,  she  comes  tripping  towards  them  with  smiles  and 
sunshine  in  her  countenance. — Well,  let  the  rogues  remain  in 
happy  ignorance,  for  "  ignorance  is  bliss,"  as  the  poets  say;— 
and  I  put  as  implicit  faith  in  poetry  as  I  do  in  the  almanac  or 
in  the  newspaper ; — we  will  improve  them,  without  their  being 
the  wiser  for  it,  and  they  shall  become  better  in  spite  of  their 
teeth,  and  without  their  having  the  least  suspicion  of  the  re- 
formation working  within  them. 

Among  all  our  manifold  grievances,  however,  still  some 
small  but  vivid  rays  of  sunshine  occasionally  brighten  along 
our  path ;  cheering  our  steps,  and  inviting  us  to  persevere. 

The  public  have  paid  some  little  regard  to  a  few  articles  of 
our  advice;— they  have  purchased  our  numbers  freely;— so 
much  the  better  for  our  publisher ; — they  have  read  them  at- 
tentively ;— so  much  the  better  for  themselves.  The  melan- 
choly fate  of  my  dear  aunt  Charity  has  had  a  wonderful  effect ; 
and  I  have  now  before  me  a  letter  from  a  gentleman  who  lives 
opposite  to  a  couple  of  old  ladies,  remarkable  for  the  interest 
they  took  in  his  affairs ; — his  apartments  were  absolutely  in  a 
state  of  blockade,  and  he  was  on  the  point  of  changing  his 
lodgings,  or  capitulating,  until  the  appearance  of  our  ninth 
number,  which  he  immediately  sent  over  with  his  compli- 
ments ; — the  good  ladies  took  the  hint,  and  have  scarcely  ap- 
peared at  their  window  since.  As  to  the  wooden  gentlemen, 
our  friend  Miss  Sparkle  assures  me,  they  are  wonderfully  im- 
proved by  our  criticisms,  and  sometimes  venture  to  make  a 
remark,  or  attempt  a  pun  in  company,  to  the  great  edification 
of  all  who  happen  to  understand  them.  As  to  red  shawls,  they 
are  entirely  discarded  from  the  fair  shoulders  of  our  ladies— 
ever  since  the  last  importation  of  finery ; — nor  has  any  lady, 
since  the  cold  weather»  ventured  to  expose  her  elbows  to  the 


176  SALMAGUNDI. 

admiring  gaze  of  scrutinizing  passengers.  But  there  is  one 
victory  we  have  achieved  which  has  given  us  more  pleasure 
than  to  have  written  down  the  whole  administration:  I  am  as- 
sured, from  unquestionable  authority,  that  our  young  ladies, 
doubtless  in  consequence  of  our  weighty  admonition,  have  not 
once  indulged  in  that  intoxicating,  inflammatory,  and  whirli- 
gig dance,  the  waltz — ever  since  hot  weather  commenced. 
True  it  is,  I  understand,  an  attempt  was  made  to  exhibit  it 
by  some  of  the  sable  fair  ones  at  the  last  African  ball,  but 
it  was  highly  disapproved  of  by  all  the  respectable  elderly 
ladies  present. 

These  are  sweet  sources  of  comfort  to  atone  for  the  many 
wrongs  and  misrepresentations  heaped  upon  us  by  the  world ; 
— for  even  we  have  experienced  its  ill-nature.  How  often 
have  we  heard  ourselves  reproached  for  the  insidious  applica- 
tions of  the  uncharitable ! — how  often  have  we  been  accused 
of  emotions  which  never  found  an  entrance  into  our  bosoms ! — 
how  often  have  our  sportive  effusions  been  wrested  to  serve 
the  purposes  of  particular  enmity  and  bitterness! — Meddle- 
some spirits!  little  do  they  know  our  disposition;  we  "lack 
gall"  to  wound  the  feelings  of  a  single  innocent  individual ;  we 
can  even  forgive  them  from  the  very  bottom  of  our  souls ;  may 
they  meet  as  ready  a  forgiveness  from  their  own  consciences  ? 
like  true  and  independent  bachelors,  having  no  domestic  cares 
to  interfere  with  our  general  benevolence,  we  consider  it  in- 
cumbent upon  us  to  watch  over  the  welfare  of  society ;  and 
although  we  are  indebted  to  the  world  for  little  else  than  left- 
handed  favours,  yet  we  feel  a  proud  satisfaction  in  requiting 
evil  with  good,  and  the  sneer  of  illiberality  with  the  unfeigned 
smile  of  good  humour.  With  these  mingled  motives  of  selfish- 
ness and  philanthropy  we  commenced  our  work,  and  if  we 
cannot  solace  ourselves  with  the  consciousness  of  having  done 
much  good!  yet  there  is  still  one  pleasing  consolation  left, 
which  the  world  can  neither  give  nor  take  away.  There 
are  moments, — lingering  moments  of  listless  indifference  and 
heavy-hearted  despondency, — when  our  best  hopes  and  affec- 
tions slipping,  as  they  sometimes  will,  from  their  hold  on  those 
objects  to  which  they  usually  cling  for  support,  seem  aban- 
doned on  the  wide  waste  of  cheerless  existence,  without  a 
place  to  cast  anchor;  without  a  shore  in  view  to  excite  a 
single  wish,  or  to  give  a  momentary  interest  to  contempla- 
tion. We  look  back  with  delight  upon  many  of  these  mo- 
ments of  mental  gloom,  whiled  away  by  the  cheerful  exercise 


SALMAGUNDI.  177 

of  our  pen,  and  consider  every  such  triumph  over  the  spleen  as 
retarding  the  furrowing  hand  of  time  in  its  insidious  encroach- 
ments on  our  brows.  If,  in  addition  to  our  own  amusements, 
we  have,  as  we  jogged  carelessly  laughing  along,  brushed 
away  one  tear  of  dejection  and  called  forth  a  smile  in  its  place 
— if  we  have  brightened  the  pale  countenance  of  a  single  child 
of  sorrow — we  shall  feel  almost  as  much  joy  and  rejoicing  as 
a  slang-whanger  does  when  he  bathes  his  pen  in  the  heart's 
blood  of  a  patron  and  benefactor ;  or  sacrifices  one  more  illus- 
trious victim  on  the  altar  of  party  animosity. 


TO  HEADERS  AND  CORRESPONDENTS. 

IT  is  our  misfortune  to  be  frequently  pestered,  in  our  pere- 
grinations about  this  blessed  city,  by  certain  critical  gad-flies ; 
who  buzz  around  and  merely  attack  the  skin,  without  ever 
being  able  to  penetrate  the  body.  The  reputation  of  our  prom- 
ising prot ege  Jeremy  Cockloft  the  younger,  has  been  assailed 
by  these  skin-deep  critics ;  they  have  questioned  his  claims  to 
originality,  and  even  hinted  that  the  ideas  for  his  New-Jersey 
Tour  were  borrowed  from  a  late  work  entitled  "MY  POCKET- 
BOOK."  As  there  is  no  literary  offence  more  despicable  in  the 
eyes  of  the  trio  than  borrowing,  we  immediately  called  Jeremy 
to  an  account :  when  he  proved,  by  the  dedication  of  the  work 
in  question,  that  it  was  first  published  in  London  in  March, 
1807 — and  that  his  "Stranger  in  New- Jersey"  had  made  its  ap- 
pearance on  the  24th  of  the  preceding  February. 

We  were  on  the  point  of  acquitting  Jeremy  with  honour  on 
the  ground  that  it  was  impossible,  knowing  as  he  is,  to  bor- 
row from  a  foreign  work  one  month  before  it  was  in  existence ; 
when  Will  Wizard  suddenly  took  up  the  cudgels  for  the  crit- 
ics, and  insisted  that  nothing  was  more  probable ;  for  he  recol- 
lected reading  of  an  ingenious  Dutch  author  who  plainly  con- 
victed the  ancients  of  stealing  from  his  labours ! So  much 

for  criticisru. 


WE  have  received  a  host  of  friendly  and  admonitory  letters 
from  different  quarters,  and  among  the  rest  a  very  loving 
epistle  from  Georgetown,  Columbia,  signed  Teddy  M' Gundy, 


178  SALMAGUNDI. 

who  addresses  us  by  the  name  of  Saul  M'Gundy,  and  insists 
that  we  are  descended  from  the  same  Irish  progenitors,  and 
nearly  related.  As  friend  Teddy  seems  to  be  an  honest,  merry 
rogue,  we  are  sorry  that  we  cannot  admit  his  claims  to  kin- 
dred; we  thank  him,  however,  for  his  good-will,  and  should 
he  ever  be  inclined  to  favour  us  with  another  epistle,  we  wl". 
hint  to  him,  and,  at  the  same  time,  to  our  other  numerous  cor- 
respondents, that  their  communications  will  be  infinitely  more 
acceptable,  if  they  will  just  recollect  Tom  Shuffleton's  advice, 
"pay  the  post-boy,  Muggins." 


SALMAGUNDI.  179 


NO.  XIV.-SATURDAY,  SEPT.  16,  1807. 


LETTER  FROM  MUSTAPHA  RUB-A-DUB  KELI  KHAN, 

TO  ASEM  HACCHEM,    PRINCIPAL  SLAVE-DRIVER    TO    HIS    HIGHNESS 
THE  BASHAW  OF  TRIPOLI. 

HEALTH  and  joy  to  the  friend  of  my  heart ! — May  the  angel 
of  peace  ever  watch  over  thy  dwelling,  and  the  star  of  pros- 
perity shed  its  benignant  lustre  on  all  thy  undertakings.  Far 
other  is  the  lot  of  thy  captive  friend;— his  brightest  hopes 
extend  but  to  a  lengthened  period  of  weary  captivity,  and 
memory  only  adds  to  the  measure  of  his  griefs,  by  holding  up 
a  mirror  which  reflects  with  redoubled  charms  the  hours  of 
past  felicity.  In  midnight  slumbers  my  soul  holds  sweet  con- 
verse with  the  tender  objects  of  its  affections;— it  is  then  the 
exile  is  restored  to  his  country ; — it  is  then  the  wide  waste  of 
waters  that  rolls  between  us  disappears,  and  I  clasp  to  my 
bosom  the  companion  of  my  youth ;  I  awake  and  find  it  is  but 
a  vision  of  the  night.  The  sigh  will  rise, — the  tear  of  dejection 
will  steal  down  my  cheek : — I  fly  to  my  pen,  and  strive  to  for- 
get myself,  and  my  sorrows,  in  conversing  with  my  friend. 

In  such  a  situation,  my  good  Asem,  it  cannot  be  expected 
that  I  should  be  able  so  wholly  to  abstract  myself  from  my 
own  feelings,  as  to  give  thee  a  full  and  systematic  account  of 
the  singular  people  among  whom  my  disastrous  lot  has  been 
cast.  I  can  only  find  leisure,  from  my  own  individual  sor- 
rows, to  entertain  thee  occasionally  with  some  of  the  most 
prominent  features  of  their  character;  and  now  and  then  a 
solitary  picture  of  their  most  preposterous  eccentricities. 

I  have  before  observed,  that  among  the  distinguishing  char- 
acteristics of  the  people  of  this  logocracy,  is  their  invincible 
love  of  talking;  and,  that  I  could  compare  the  nation  to  noth- 
ing but  a  mighty  wind-mill.  Thou  art  doubtless  at  a  loss  to 


180  BALM  A  O  UNDL 

conceive  how  this  mill  is  supplied  with  grist;  ov,  in  other 
words,  how  it  is  possible  to  furnish  subjects  to  supply  the  per- 
petual motion  of  so  many  tongues. 

The  genius  of  the  nation  appears  in  its  highest  lustre  in  this 
particular  in  the  discovery,  or  rather  the  application,  of  <~  sub- 
ject which  seems  to  supply  an  inexhaustible  mine  of  words. 
It  is  nothing  more,  my  friend,  than  POLITICS;  a  word  which,  I 
declare  to  thee,  has  perplexed  me  almost  as  much  as  the  re- 
doubtable one  of  economy.  On  consulting  a  dictionary  of  this 
language,  I  found  it  denoted  the  science  of  government ;  and 
the  relations,  situations,  and  dispositions  of  states  and  empires. 
— Good,  thought  I,  for  a  people  who  boast  of  governing  them- 
selves there  could  not  be  a  more  important  subject  of  investi- 
gation. I  therefore  listened  attentively,  expecting  to  hear 
from  "the  most  enlightened  people  under  the  sun,"  for  so  they 
modestly  term  themselves,  sublime  disputations  on  the  science 
of  legislation  and  precepts  of  political  wisdom  that  would  not 
have  disgraced  our  great  prophet  and  legislator  himself! — 
but,  alas,  Asem !  how  continually  are  my  expectations  disap- 
pointed !  how  dignified  a  meaning  does  this  word  bear  in  the 
dictionary ; — how  despicable  its  common  application ;  I  find  it 
extending  to  every  contemptible  discussion  of  local  animosity, 
and  every  petty  altercation  of  insignificant  individuals.  It 
embraces,  alike,  all  manner  of  concerns ;  from  the  organization 
of  a  divan,  the  election  of  a  bashaw,  or  the  levying  of  an  army, 
to  the  appointment  of  a  constable,  the  personal  disputes  of  two 
miserable  slang-whangers,  the  cleaning  of  the  streets,  or  the 
economy  of  a  dirt-cart.  A  couple  of  politicians  will  quarrel, 
with  the  most  vociferous  pertinacity,  about  the  character  of  a 
bum-bailiff  whom  nobody  cares  for;  or  the  deportment  of  a 
little  great  man  whom  nobody  knows;— and  this  is  called  talk- 
ing politics;  nay  1  it  is  but  a  few  days  since  that  I  was  annoyed 
by  a  debate  between  two  of  my  fellow-lodgers,  who  were  mag- 
nanimously employed  in  condemning  a  luckless  wight  to  in- 
famy, because  he  chose  to  wear  a  red  coat,  and  to  entertain 
certain  erroneous  opinions  some  thirty  years  ago.  Shocked  at 
their  illiberal  and  vindictive  spirit,  I  rebuked  them  for  thus 
indulging  in  slander  and  uncharitableness,  about  the  colour  of 
a  coat;  which  had  doubtless  for  many  years  been  worn  out; 
or  the  belief  in  errors,  which,  in  all  probability,  had  been  long 
since  atoned  for  and  abandoned ;  but  they  justified  themselves 
by  alleging  that  they  were  only  engaged  in  politics,  and  exert- 
ing that  liberty  of  speech,  and  freedom  of  discussion,  which 


SALMAGUNDI.  181 

was  the  glory  and  safeguard  of  their  national  independence. 
"Oh,  Mahomet!"  thought  I,  "what  a  country  must  that  be, 
which  builds  its  political  safety  on  ruined  characters  and  the 
persecution  of  individuals !" 

Into  what  transports  of  surprise  and  incredulity  am  I  con- 
tinually betrayed,  as  the  character  of  this  eccentric  people 
gradually  developes  itself  to  my  observations.  Every  new  re- 
search increases  the  perplexities  in  which  I  am  involved,  and  1 
am  more  than  ever  at  a  loss  where  to  place  them  in  the  scale 
of  my  estimation.  It  is  thus  the  philosopher,  in  pursuing 
truth  through  the  labyrinth  of  doubt,  error,  and  misrepresenta- 
tion, frequently  finds  himself  bewildered  in  the  mazes  of  con- 
tradictory experience;  and  almost  wishes  he  could  quietly 
retrace  his  wandering  steps,  steal  back  into  the  path  of  honest 
ignorance,  and  jog  on  once  more  in  contented  indifference. 

How  fertile  in  these  contradictions  is  this  extensive  logoc- 
racy!  Men  of  different  nations,  manners,  and  languages  live 
in  this  country  in  the  most  perfect  harmony ;  and  nothing  is 
more  common  than  to  see  individuals,  whose  respective  gov- 
ernments are  at  variance,  taking  each  other  by  the  hand  and 
exchanging  the  offices  of  friendship.  Nay,  even  on  the  subject 
of  religion,  which,  as  it  affects  our  dearest  interests,  our  earliest 
opinions  and  prejudices,  some  warmth  and  heart-burnings 
might  be  excused,  which,  even  in  our  enlightened  country,  is 
so  fruitful  in  difference  between  man  and  man !— even  religion 
occasions  no  dissension  among  these  people ;  and  it  has  even 
been  discovered  by  one  of  their  sages  that  believing  in  one  God 
or  twenty  Gods  "neither  breaks  a  man's  leg  nor  picks  his 
pocket."  The  idolatrous  Persian  may  here  bow  down  before 
his  everlasting  fire,  and  prostrate  himself  towards  the  glowing 
east.  The  Chinese  may  adore  his  Fo,  or  his  Josh;  the  Egyp- 
tian his  stork;  and  the  Mussulman  practise,  unmolested,  the 
divine  precepts  of  our  immortal  prophet.  Nay,  even  the  for- 
lorn, abandoned  Atheist,  who  lies  down  at  night  without  com- 
mitting himself  to  the  protection  of  heaven,  and  rises  in  the 
morning  without  returning  thanks  for  his  safety ; — who  hath 
no  deity  but  his  own  will ;— whose  soul,  like  the  sandy  desert, 
is  barren  of  every  flower  of  hope  to  throw  a  solitary  bloom 
over  the  deal  level  of  sterility  and  soften  the  wide  extent  of 
desolation  • — whose  darkened  views  extend  not  beyond  the  hori- 
zon that  bounds  his  cheerless  existence;— to  whom  no  blissful 
perspective  opens  beyond  the  grave;— even  he  is  suffered  to 
indulge  in  his  desperate  opinions,  without  exciting  one  other 


182  SALMAGUNDI. 

emotion  than  pity  or  contempt.  But  this  mild  and  tolerating 
spirit  reaches  not  beyond  the  pale  of  religion : — once  diiier  in 
politics,  in  mere  theories,  visions,  and  chimeras,  the  growth  of 
interest,  of  folly,  or  madness,  and  deadly  warfare  ensues-, 
every  eye  flashes  fire,  every  tongue  is  loaded  with  reproach, 
and  every  heart  is  filled  with  gall  and  bitterness. 

At  this  period  several  unjustifiable  and  serious  injuries  on 
the  part  of  the  barbarians  of  the  British  island,  have  given  a 
new  impulse  to  the  tongue  and  the  pen,  and  occasioned  a 
terrible  wordy  fever.— Do  not  suppose,  my  friend,  that  I  mean 
to  condemn  any  proper  and  dignified  expression  of  resentment 
for  injuries.  On  the  contrary,  I  love  to  see  a  word  before  a 
blow:  for  "in  the  fulness  of  the  heart  the  tongue  moveth." 
But  my  long  experience  has  convinced  me  that  people  who 
talk  the  most  about  taking  satisfaction  for  affronts,  generally 
content  themselves  with  talking  instead  of  revenging  the  in- 
sult :  like  the  street  women  of  this  country,  who,  after  a  pro- 
digious scolding,  quietly  sit  down  and  fan  themselves  cool  as 
fast  as  possible.  But  to  return : — the  rage  for  talking  has  now, 
in  consequence  of  the  aggressions  I  alluded  to,  increased  to  a 
degree  far  beyond  what  I  have  observed  heretofore.  In  the 
gardens  of  his  highness  of  Tripoli  are  fifteen  thousand  bee- 
hives, three  hundred  peacocks,  and  a  prodigious  number  of 
parrots  and  baboons;— and  yet  I  declare  to  thee,  Asem,  that 
their  buzzing,  and  squalling,  and  chattering  is  nothing  com- 
pared to  the  wild  uproar  and  war  of  words  now  raging  within 
the  bosom  of  this  mighty  and  distracted  logocracy.  Politics 
pervade  every  city,  every  village,  every  temple,  every  porter- 
house;— the  universal  question  is,  "what  is  the  news?" — This 
is  a  kind  of  challenge  to  political  debate ;  and  as  no  two  men 
think  exactly  alike,  'tis  ten  to  one  but  before  they  finish  all  the 
polite  phrases  in  the  language  are  exhausted  by  way  of  giving 
fire  and  energy  to  argument.  What  renders  this  talking  fever 
more  alarming,  is  that  the  people  appear  to  be  in  the  unhappy 
state  of  a  patient  whose  palate  nauseates  the  medicine  best  cal- 
culated for  the  cure  of  his  disease,  and  seem  anxious  to  con- 
tinue in  the  full  enjoyment  of  their  chattering  epidemic.  They 
alarm  each  other  by  direful  reports  and  fearful  apprehensions ; 
like  I  have  seen  a  knot  of  old  wives  in  this  country  entertain 
themselves  with  stories  of  ghosts  and  goblins  until  their  im- 
aginations were  in  a  most  agonizing  panic.  Every  day  begets 
some  new  tale,  big  with  agitation;  and  the  busy  goddess, 
rumour,  txr^peak  in  the  ppejfcic  language  of  the  Christians,  is 


SALMA  Q  UNV1.  183 

constantly  in  motion.  She  mounts  her  rattling  stage-wagon 
and  gallops  about  the  country,  freighted  with  a  load  of 
"  hints,"  "  informations,"  "  extracts  of  letters  from  respectable 
gentlemen,"  "observations  of  respectable  correspondents,"  and 
"unquestionable  authorities;" — which  her  high-priests,  the 
slang-whangers,  retail  to  their  sapient  followers  with  all  the 
solemnity— and  all  the  authenticity  of  oracles.  True  it  is,  the 
unfortunate  slang-whangers  are  sometimes  at  a  loss  for  food  to 
supply  this  insatiable  appetite  for  intelligence;  and  are,  not 
unf requently,  reduced  to  the  necessity  of  manufacturing  dishes 
suited  to  the  taste  of  the  times :  to  be  served  up  as  morning 
and  evening  repasts  to  their  disciples. 

When  the  hungry  politician  is  thus  full  charged  with  im- 
portant information,  he  sallies  forth  to  give  due  exercise  to  his 
tongue ;  and  tells  [all  he  knows  to  everybody  he  meets.  Now 
it  is  a  thousand  to  one  that  every  person  he  meets  is  just  as 
wise  as  himself,  charged  with  the  same  articles  of  information, 
and  possessed  of  the  same  violent  inclination  to  give  it  vent; 
for  in  this  country  every  man  adopts  some  particular  slang- 
whanger  as  the  standard  of  his  judgment,  and  reads  every 
thing  he  writes,  if  he  reads  nothing  else ;  which  is  doubtless 
the  reason  why  the  people  of  this  logocracy  are  so  marvelously 
enlightened.  So  away  they  tilt  at  each  other  with  their  bor- 
rowed lances,  advancing  to  the  combat  with  the  opinions  and 
speculations  of  their  respective  slang-whangers,  which  in  all 
probability  are  diametrically  opposite :— here,  then,  arises  as 
fair  an  opportunity  for  a  battle  of  words  as  heart  could  wish; 
and  thou  mayest  rely  upon  it,  Asem,  they  do  not  let  it  pass  un- 
improved. They  sometimes  begin  with  argument ;  but  in  pro- 
cess of  time,  as  the  tongue  begins  to  wax  wanton,  other  auxil- 
iaries become  necessary ;  recrimination  commences ;  reproach 
follows  close  at  its  heels ; — from  political  abuse  they  proceed  to 
personal;  and  thus  often  is  a  friendship  of  years  trampled 
down  by  this  contemptible  enemy,  this  gigantic  dwarf  of  POLI- 
TICS, the  mongrel  issue  of  grovelling  ambition  and  aspiring 
ignorance ! 

There  would  be  but  little  harm  indeed  in  all  this,  if  it  ended 
merely  in  a  broken  head ;  for  this  might  soon  be  healed,  and 
the  scar,  if  any  remained,  might  serve  as  a  warning  ever  after 

against  the  indulgence  of  political  intemperance; at  the 

worst,  the  loss  of  such  heads  as  these  would  be  a  gain  to  the 
nation.  But  the  evil  extends  far  deeper;  it  threatens  to  impair 
all  social  intercourse,  and  even  to  sever  .the  sacred  union  of 


184  SALMAGUNDI. 

family  and  kindred.  The  convivial  table  is  disturbed;  the 
cheerful  fireside  is  invaded;  the  smile  of  social  hilarity  is 
chased  away ;— the  bond  of  social  love  is  broken  by  the  ever- 
lasting intrusion  of  this  fiend  of  contention,  who  lurks  in  the 
sparkling  bowl,  crouches  by  the  fireside,  growls  in  the  friendly 
circle,  infests  every  avenue  to  pleasure ;  and,  like  the  scowling 
incubus,  sits  on  the  bosom  of  society,  pressing  down  and 
smothering  every  throb  and  pulsation  of  liberal  philanthropy. 

But  thou  wilt  perhaps  ask,  "  What  can  these  people  dispute 
about?  one  would  suppose  that  being  all  free  and  equal,  they 
would  harmonize  as  brothers;  children  of  the  same  parent, 
and  equal  heirs  of  the  same  inheritance."  This  theory  is  most 
exquisite,  my  good  friend,  but  in  practice  it  turns  out  the  very 
dream  of  a  madman.  Equality,  Asem,  is  one  of  the  most  con- 
summate scoundrels  that  ever  crept  from  the  brain  of  a  politi- 
cal juggler — a  fellow  who  thrusts  his  hand  into  the  pocket  of 
honest  industry,  or  enterprising  talent,  and  sqanders  their 
hard-earned  profits  on  profligate  idleness  or  indolent  stupidity. 
There  will  always  be  an  inequality  among  mankind  so  long  as 
a  portion  of  it  is  enlightened  and  industrious,  and  the  rest  idle 
and  ignorant.  The  one  will  acquire  a  larger  share  of  wealth, 
and  its  attendant  comforts,  refinements,  and  luxuries  of  life; 
and  the  influence,  and  power,  which  those  will  always  possess 
who  have  the  greatest  ability  of  administering  to  the  neces- 
sities of  their  fellow-creatures.  These  advantages  will  inevi- 
tably excite  envy;  and  envy  as  inevitably  begets  ill-will:— 
hence  arises  that  eternal  warfare,  which  the  lower  orders  of 
society  are  waging  against  those  who  have  raised  themselves 
by  their  own  merits,  or  have  been  raised  by  the  merits  of  their 
ancestors,  above  the  common  level.  In  a  nation  possessed  of 
quick  feelings  and  impetuous  passions,  the  hostility  might  en- 
gender deadly  broils  and  bloody  commotions;  but  here  it 
merely  vents  itself  in  high-sounding  words,  which  lead  to  con- 
tinual breaches  of  decorum ;  or  in  the  insidious  assassination  o 
character,  and  a  restless  propensity  among  the  base  to  blacken 
every  reputation  which  is  fairer  than  their  own. 

I  cannot  help  smiling  sometimes  to  see  the  solicitude  with 
which  the  people  of  America,  so  called  from  the  country  hav- 
ing been  first  discovered  by  Christopher  Columbus,  battle 
about  them  when  any  election  takes  place ;  as  if  they  had  the 
least  concern  in  the  matter,  or  were  to  be  benefited  by  an 
exchange  of  bashaws; — they  really  seem  ignorant  that  none 
but  the  bashaws  and  their  dependants  a^e  at  all  interested  in 


SALMAGUNDI.  185 

the  event ;  and  that  the  people  at  large  will  not  find  their  situ- 
ation altered  in  the  least.  I  formerly  gave  thee  an  account  of 
on  election  which  took  place  under  my  eye. — The  result  has 
been  that  the  people,  as  some  of*  the  slang-whangers  say,  have 
obtained  a  glorious  triumph ;  which,  however,  is  flatly  denied 
by  the  opposite  slang-whangers,  who  insist  that  their  party  is 
composed  of  the  true  sovereign  people;  and  that  the  others 
are  all  jacobins,  Frenchmen,  and  Irish  rebels.  I  ought  to 
apprise  thee  that  the  last  is  a  term  of  great  reproach  here; 
which,  perhaps,  thou  wouldst  not  otherwise  imagine,  consider- 
ing that  it  is  not  many  years  since  this  very  people  were 
engaged  in  a  revolution ;  the  failure  of  which  would  have  sub- 
jected them  to  the  same  ignominious  epithet,  and  a  participa- 
tion in  which  is  now  the  highest  recommendation  to  public 
confidence.  By  Mahomet,  but  it  cannot  be  denied,  that  the 
consistency  of  this  people,  like  every  thing  else  appertaining  to 
them,  is  on  a  prodigious  great  scale !  To  return,  however,  to 
the  event  of  the  election. — The  people  triumphed,  and  muck 
good  has  it  done  them.  I,  for  my  part,  expected  to  see  won- 
derful changes,  and  most  magical  metamorphoses.  I  expected 
to  see  the  people  all  rich,  that  they  would  be  all  gentlemen- 
bashaws,  riding  in  their  coaches,  and  faring  sumptuously  everj 
day;  emancipated  from  toil,  and  revelling  in  luxurious  ease. 
"Wilt  thou  credit  me,  Asem,  when  I  declare  to  thee  that  every 
thing  remains  exactly  in  the  same  state  it  was  before  the  last 
wordy  campaign? — except  a  few  noisy  retainers,  who  have 
crept  into  office,  and  a  few  noisy  patriots,  on  the  other  side, 
who  have  been  kicked  out,  there  is  not  the  least  difference. 
The  labourer  toils  for  his  daily  support ;  the  beggar  still  lives 
on  the  charity  of  those  who  have  any  charity  to  bestow ;  and 
the  only  solid  satisfaction  the  multitude  have  reaped  is,  that 
they  have  got  a  new  governor,  or  bashaw,  whom  they  will 
praise,  idolize,  and  exalt  for  a  while ;  and  afterwards,  notwith- 
standing the  sterling  merits  he  really  possesses,  in  compliance 
with  immemorial  custom,  they  will  abuse,  calumniate,  and 
trample  him  under  foot. 

Such,  my  dear  Asem,  is  the  way  in  which  the  wise  people  of 
"the  most  enlightened  country  under  the  sun"  are  amused 
with  straws  and  puffed  up  with  mighty  conceits ;  like  a  certain 
fish  I  have  seen  here,  which,  having  his  belly  tickled  for  a  short 
time,  will  swell  and  puff  himself  up  to  twice  his  usual  size,  and 
become  a  mere  bladder  of  wind  and  vanity. 

The  blessing  of  a  true  Mussulman  light  on  thee,  good  Asem; 


186  SALMAGUNDI. 

ever  while  thou  livest  be  true  to  thy  prophet;  and  rejoice,  that, 
though  the  boasting  political  chatterers  of  this  logocracy  cast 
upon  thy  countrymen  the  ignominious  epithet  of  slaves,  thou 
livest  in  a  country  where  the  people,  instead  of  being  at  the 
mercy  of  a  tyrant  with  a  million  of  heads,  have  nothing  to  do 
but  submit  to  the  will  of  a  bashaw  of  only  three  tails. 

Ever  thine,  MUSTAPHA. 


COCKLOFT  HALL. 

BY  LAUNCELOT  LANGSTAFF,   ESQ. 

THOSE  who  pass  their  time  immured  in  the  smoky  circumfer- 
ence of  the  city,  amid  the  rattling  of  carts,  the  brawling  of  the 
multitude,  and  the  variety  of  unmeaning  and  discordant 
sounds  that  prey  insensibly  upon  the  nerves  and  beget  a  weari- 
ness of  the  spirits,  can  alone  understand  and  feel  that  expan- 
sion of  the  heart,  that  physical  renovation  which  a  citizen 
experiences  when  he  steals  forth  from  his  dusty  prison  to 
breathe  the  free  air  of  heaven  and  enjoy  the  clear  face  of 
nature.  Who  that  has  rambled  by  the  side  of  one  of  our  ma- 
jestic rivers  at  the  hour  of  sunset,  when  the  wildly  romantic 
scenery  around  is  softened  and  tinted  by  the  voluptuous  mist 
of  evening;  when  the  bold  and  swelling  outlines  of  the  distant 
mountain  seem  melting  into  the  glowing  horizon  and  a  rich 
mantle  of  refulgence  is  thrown  over  the  whole  expanse  of  the 
heavens,  but  must  have  felt  how  abundant  is  nature  in 
sources  of  pure  enjoyment;  how  luxuriant  in  all  that  can 
enliven  the  senses  or  delight  the  imagination.  The  jocund 
zephyr,  full  freighted  with  native  fragrance,  sues  sweetly  to 
the  senses;  the  chirping  of  the  thousand  varieties  of  insects 
with  which  our  woodlands  abound,  forms  a  concert  of  simple 
melody ;  even  the  barking  of  the  farm  dog,  the  lowing  of  the 
cattle,  the  tinkling  of  their  bells,  and  the  strokes  of  the  wood- 
man's axe  from  the  opposite  shore,  seem  to  partake  of  the  soft- 
ness of  the  scene  and  fall  tunefully  upon  the  ear;  while  the 
voice  of  the  villager,  chanting  some  rustic  ballad,  swells  from  a 
distance  in  the  semblance  of  the  very  music  of  harmonious  love. 

A-t  such  time  I  feel  a  sensation  of  sweet  tranquillity;  a 
kaljowed  calm  is  diffused  over  my  senses;  I  cast  my  eyeg 


SALMAGUNDI.  181 

around,  and  every  object  is  serene,  simple,  and  beautiful ;  no 
warring  passion,  no  discordant  string  there  vibrates  to  the 
touch  of  ambition,  self-interest,  hatred,  or  revenge ; — I  am  at 
peace  with  the  whole  world,  and  hail  all  mankind  as  friends 
and  brothers. — Blissful  moments!  ye  recall  the  careless  days  of 
my  boyhood,  when  mere  existence  was  happiness,  when  hope 
was  certainty,  this  world  a  paradise,  and  every  woman  a  min- 
istering angel ! — surely  man  was  designed  for  a  tenant  of  the 
universe,  instead  of  being  pent  up  in  these  dismal  cages,  these 
dens  of  strife,  disease,  and  discord.  We  were  created  to  range 
the  fields,  to  sport  among  the  groves,  to  build  castles  in  the  air. 
and  have  every  one  of  them  realized ! 

A  whole  legion  of  reflections  like  these  insinuated  themselves 
into  my  mind,  and  stole  me  from  the  influence  of  the  cold  reali- 
ties before  me,  as  I  took  my  accustomed  walk,  a  few  weeks 
since,  on  the  battery.  Here  watching  the  splendid  mutations 
of  one  of  our  summer  skies,  which  emulated  the  boasted  glories 
of  an  Italian  sun-set,  I  all  at  once  discovered  that  it  was  but  to 
pack  up  my  portmanteau,  bid  adieu  for  awhile  to  my  elbow- 
chair,  and  in  a  little  time  I  should  be  transported  from  the  re- 
gion of  smoke,  and  noise,  and  dust,  to  the  enjoyment  of  a  far 
sweeter  prospect  and  a  brighter  sky.  The  next  morning  I  was 
off  full  tilt  to  Cockloft-Hall,  leaving  my  man  Pompey  to  follow 
at  his  leisure  with  my  baggage.  I  love  to  indulge  in  rapid 
transitions,  which  are  prompted  by  the  quick  impulse  of  the 
moment; — 'tis  the  only  mode  of  guarding  against  that  intrud- 
ing and  deadly  foe  to  all  parties  of  pleasure,— anticipation. 

Having  now  made  good  my  retreat^  until  the  black  frosts 
commence,  it  is  but  a  piece  of  civility  due  to  my  readers,  who  I 
trust  are,  ere  this,  my  friends,  to  give  them  a  proper  introduc- 
tion to  my  present  residence.  I  do  this  as  much  to  gratify 
them  as  myself :  well  knowing  a  reader  is  always  anxious  to 
learn  how  his  author  is  lodged,  whether  in  a  garret,  a  cellar,  a 
hovel,  or  a  palace ;  at  least  an  author  is  generally  vain  enough 
to  think  so ;  and  an  author's  vanity  ought  sometimes  to  be 
gratified ;  poor  vagabond !  it  is  often  the  only  gratification  he 
ever  tastes  in  this  world ! 

COCKLOFT-HALL  is  the  country  residence  of  the  family,  or 
rather  the  paternal  mansion ;  which,  like  the  mother  country, 
sends  forth  whole  colonies  to  populate  the  face  of  the  earth. 
Pindar  whimsically  denominates  it  the  family  hive !  and  there 
is  at  least  as  much  truth  as  humour  in  my  cousin's  epithet;— 
jfor  many  a  redundant  swarm  has  it  produced.  I  don't  recollect 


188  SALMAGUNDI. 

whether  I  have  at  any  time  mentioned  to  my  readers,  for  I 
seldom  look  back  on  what  I  have  written,  that  the  fertility  of 
the  Cocklofts  is  proverbial.  The  female  members  of  the  family 
are  most  incredibly  fruitful ;  and  to  use  a  favourite  phrase  of 
old  Cockloft,  who  is  excessively  addicted  to  backgammon, 
they  seldom  fail  "to  throw  doublets  every  time."  I  myself 
have  known  three  or  four  very  industrious  young  men  reduced 
to  great  extremities,  with  some  of  these  capital  breeders; 
heaven  smiled  upon  then*  union,  and  enriched  them  with  a 
numerous  and  hopeful  offspring — who  eat  them  out  of  doors. 

But  to  return  to  the  hall. — It  is  pleasantly  situated  on  the 
bank  of  a  sweet  pastoral  stream:  not  so  near  town  as  to  invite 
an  inundation  of  unmeaning,  idle  acquaintance,  who  come  to 
lounge  away  an  afternoon,  nor  so  distant  as  to  render  it  an 
absolute  deed  of  charity  or  friendship  to  perform  the  journey. 
It  is  one  of  the  oldest  habitations  in  the  country,  and  was 
built  by  my  cousin  Christopher's  grandfather,  who  was  also 
mine  by  the  mother's  side,  in  his  latter  days,  to  form,  as  the  old 
gentleman  expressed  himself,  "a  snug  retreat,  where  he  meant 
to  sit  himself  down  in  his  old  days  and  be  comfortable  for  the 
rest  of  his  life."  He  was  at  this  time  a  few  years  over  four 
score :  but  this  was  a  common  saying  of  his,  with  which  he 
usually  closed  his  airy  speculations.  One  would  have  thought, 
from  the  long  vista  of  years  through  which  he  contemplated 
many  of  his  projects,  that  the  good  man  had  forgot  the  age  ot 
the  patriarchs  had  long  since  gone  by,  and  calculated  upon 
living  a  century  longer  at  least.  He  was  for  a  considerable 
time  in  doubt  on  the  question  of  roofing  his  house  with  shingles 
or  slate:— shingles  would  not  last  above  thirty  years!  but  then 
they  were  much  cheaper  than  slates.  He  settled  the  matter  by 
a  kind  of  compromise,  and  determined  to  build  with  shingles 
first;  "and  when  they  are  worn  out,"  said  the  old  gentleman, 
triumphantly,  "'twill  be  time  enough  to  replace  them  with 
more  durable  materials !"  But  his  contemplated  improvements 
surpassed  everything;  and  scarcely  had  he  a  roof  over  his 
head,  when  he  discovered  a  thousand  things  to  be  arranged 
before  he  could  "sit  down  comfortably."  In  the  first  place, 
every  tree  and  bush  on  the  place  was  cut  down  or  grubbed  up 
by  the  roots,  because  they  were  not  placed  to  his  mind ;  and  a 
vast  quantity  of  oaks,  chestnuts,  and  elms,  set  out  in  clumps 
and  rows,  and  labyrinths,  which  he  observed  in  about  five-and- 
twenty  or  thirty  years  at  most,  would  yield  a  very  tolerable 
shade,  and,  moreover,  shut  out  all  the  surrounding:  country.' 


SALMAGUNDI.  189 

for  he  was  determined,  lie  said,  to  have  all  his  views  on  his 
own  land,  and  be  beholden  to  no  man  for  a  prospect.  This, 
my  learned  readers  will  perceive,  was  something  very  like  the 
idea  of  Lorenzo  de  Medici,  who  gave  as  a  reason  for  preferring 
one  of  his  seats  above  all  the  others,  "that  all  the  ground 
within  view  of  it  was  his  own:"  now,  whether  my  grandfather 
ever  heard  of  the  Medici,  is  more  than  I  can  say;  I  rathei 
think,  however,  from  the  characteristic  originality  of  the 
Cocklofts,  that  it  was  a  whim-wham  of  his  own  begetting. 
Another  odd  notion  of  the  old  gentleman  was  to  blow  up  a 
large  bed  of  rocks,  for  the  purpose  of  having  a  fish-pond, 
although  the  river  ran  at  about  one  hundred  yards  distance 
from  the  house,  and  was  well  stored  with  fir:h ; — but  there  was 
nothing,  he  said,  like  having  things  to  one's-self.  So  at  it  he 
went  with  all  the  ardour  of  a  projector  who  has  just  hit  upon 
some  splendid  and  useless  whim- wham.  As  he  proceeded,  his 
views  enlarged;  he  would  have  a  summer-house  built  on  the 
margin  of  the  fish-pond ;  he  would  have  it  surrounded  with 
e/uis  and  willows ;  and  he  would  have  a  cellar  dug  under  it, 
Jsr  some  incomprehensible  purpose,  which  remains  a  secret  tc 
this  day.  "In  a  few  years,"  he  observed,  "it  would  be  a  de- 
lightful piece  of  wood  and  water,  where  he  might  ramble  on  a 
summer's  noon,  smoke  his  pipe,  and  enjoy  himself  in  his  old 
days:" — thrice  honest  old  soul! — he  died  of  an  apoplexy  in 
his  ninetieth  year,  just  as  he  had  begun  to  blow  up  the  fish* 
pond. 

Let  no  one  ridicule  the  whim- whams  of  my  grandfather. • 

If — and  of  this  there  is  no  doubt,  for  wise  men  have  said  it — if 
life  is  but  a  dream,  happy  is  he  who  can  make  the  most  of  the 
illusion. 

Since  my  grandfather's  death,  the  hall  has  passed  through 
the  hands  of  a  succession  of  true  old  cavaliers,  like  himself, 
who  gloried  in  observing  the  golden  rules  of  hospitality; 
which,  according  to  the  Cockloft  principle,  consist  in  giving  a 
guest  the  freedom  of  the  house,  cramming  him  with  beef  and 
pudding,  and,  if  possible,  laying  him  under  the  table  with 
prime  port,  claret,  or  London  particular.  The  mansion  ap- 
pears to  have  been  consecrated  to  the  jolly  god,  and  teems 
with  monuments  sacred  to  conviviality.  Every  chest  of  draw- 
ers, clothes-press,  and  cabinet,  is  decorated  with  enormous 
China  punch-bowls,  which  Mrs.  Cockloft  has  paraded  with 
much  ostentation,  particularly  in  her  favourite  red  damask 
bed-chamber,  and  in  which  a  projector  might,  with  great  satis* 


190  SALMAGUNDI. 

faction,  practise  his  experiments  on  fleets,  diving-bells,  and 
Bub-marine  boats. 

I  have  before  mentioned  cousin  Christopher's  profound  ven- 
eration for  antique  furniture;  in  consequence  of  which  the  old 
hall  is  furnished  in  much  the  same  style  with  the  house  hi 
town.  Old-fashioned  bedsteads,  with  high  testers;  massy 
clothes-presses,  standing  most  majestically  on  eagles'  claws, 
and  ornamented  with  a  profusion  of  shining  brass  handles, 
clasps,  and  hinges ;  and  around  the  grand  parlour  are  solemnly 
arranged  a  set  of  high-backed,  leather-bottomed,  massy,  ma« 
hogany  chairs,  that  always  remind  me  of  the  formal  long- 
waisted  belles,  who  flourished  in  stays  and  buckram,  about  the 
time  they  were  in  fashion. 

If  I  may  judge  from  their  height,  it  was  not  the  fashion  for 
gentlemen  in  those  days  to  loll  over  the  bacK  of  a  lady's  chair, 
and  whisper  in  her  ear  what — might  be  as  well  spoken  aloud ; — 
at  least,  they  must  have  been  Patagonians  to  have  effected  it. 
Will  Wizard  declares  that  he  saw  a  little  fat  German  gallant 
attempt  once  to  whisper  Miss  Barbara  Cockloft  in  this  manner, 
but  being  unluckily  caught  by  the  chin,  he  aangled  and  kicked 
about  for  half  a  minute,  before  he  could  find  terra  firma;— lut 
Will  is  much  addicted  to  hyperbole,  by  reason  of  his  having 
been  a  great  traveller. 

But  what  the  Cocklofts  most  especially  pride  themselves 
upon,  is  the  possession  of  several  family  portraits,  which  ex- 
hibit as  honest  a  square  set  of  portly,  well-fed  looking  gentle- 
men, and  gentlewomen,  as  ever  grew  and  flourished  under  the 
pencil  of  a  Dutch  painter.  Old  Christopher,  who  is  a  complete 
genealogist,  has  a  story  to  tell  of  each;  and  dilates  with  co- 
pious eloquence  on  the  great  services  of  the  general  in  large 
sleeves,  during  the  old  French  war ;  and  on  the  piety  of  the  lady 
in  blue  velvet,  who  so  attentively  peruses  her  book,  and  was 
once  so  celebrated  for  a  beautiful  arm:  but  much  as  I  rever- 
ence my  illustrious  ancestors,  I  find  little  to  admire  in  their 
biography,  except  my  cousin's  excellent  memory;  which  is 
most  provokingly  retentive  of  every  uninteresting  particular. 

My  allotted  chamber  in  the  hall  is  the  same  that  was  occupied 
in  days  of  yore  by  my  honoured  urn^e  John.  The  room  exhib- 
its many  memorials  which  recall  to  my  remembrance  the  solid 
excellence  and  amiable  eccentricities  of  that  gallant  old  lad. 
Over  the  mantel-piece  hangs  the  portrait  of  a  young  lady 
dressed  in  a  flaring,  long-waieted,  blue-silk  gown;  be-flowered, 
and  be-furbelowed,  and  be-cuffed-  in  a  most  abundant  mannen 


SALMAGUNDI.  191 

she  holds  in  one  hand  a  book,  which  she  very  complaisantly 
neglects  to  turn  and  smile  on  the  spectator;  in  the  other  a 
flower,  which  I  hope,  for  the  honour  of  dame  nature,  was  the 
sole  production  of  the  painter's  imagination;  and  a  little  behind 
her  is  something  tied  to  a  blue  riband,  but  whether  a  little  dog, 
a  monkey,  or  a  pigeon,  must  be  left  to  the  judgment  of  future 
commentators.  The  little  damsel,  tradition  says,  was  my 
uncle  John's  third  flame;  and  he  would  infallibly  have  run 
away  with  her,  could  he  have  persuaded  her  into  the  measure; 
but  at  that  time  ladies  were  not  quite  so  easily  run  away  with 
as  Columbine ;  and  my  uncle,  failing  in  the  point,  took  a  lucky 
thought;  and  with  great  gallantry  ran  off  with  her  picture, 
which  he  conveyed  in  triumph  to  Cockloft-hall,  and  hung  up 
in  his  bed-chamber  as  a  monument  of  his  enterprising  spirit. 
The  old  gentleman  prided  himself  mightily  on  this  chivalric 
manoeuvre ;  always  chuckled,  and  pulled  up  his  stock  when  he 
contemplated  the  picture,  and  never  related  the  exploit  without 
winding  up  with — "I  might,  indeed,  have  carried  off  the  origi- 
nal, had  I  chose  to  dangle  a  little  longer  after  her  chariot- 
wheels;— for,  to  do  the  girl  justice,  I  believe  she  had  a  liking 
for  me ;  but  I  always  scorned  to  coax,  my  boy,— always. — 'twas 
my  way."  My  uncle  John  was  of  a  happy  temperament; — I 
would  give  half  I  am  worth  for  his  talent  at  self -consolation. 

The  Miss  Cocklofts  have  made  several  spirited  attempts  to 
introduce  modern  furniture  into  the  hall ;  but  with  very  indif- 
ferent success.  Modern  style  has  always  been  an  object  of 
great  annoyance  to  honest  Christopher;  and  is  ever  treated  by 
him  with  sovereign  contempt,  as  an  upstart  intruder. — It  is  a 
common  observation  of  his,  that  your  old-fashioned  substantial 
furniture  bespeaks  the  respectability  of  one's  ancestors,  and  in- 
dicates that  the  family  has  been  used  to  hold  up  its  head  for 
more  than  the  present  generation ;  whereas  the  fragile  appen- 
dages of  modern  style  seemed  to  be  emblems  of  mushroom 
gentility;  and,  to  his  mind,  predicted  that  the  family  dignity 
would  moulder  away  and  vanish  with  the  finery  thus  put  on 
of  a  sudden.— The  same  whim-wham  makes  him  averse  to  hav- 
ing his  house  surrounded  with  poplars ;  which  he  stigmatizes 
as  mere  upstarts ;  just  fit  to  ornament  the  shingle  palaces  of 
modern  gentry,  and  characteristic  of  the  establishments  they 
decorate.  Indeed,  so  far  does  he  carry  his  veneration  for  all 
the  antique  trumpery,  that  he  can  scarcely  see  the  venerable 
dust  brushed  from  its  renting  place  on  the  old-fashioned  testers ; 
or  a  gray-bearded  spider  dislodged  from  his  ancient  inheritance 


192  SALMAGUNDI. 

without  groaning;  and  I  once  saw  him  in  a  transport  of  passion 
on  Jeremy's  knocking  down  a  mouldering  martin-coop  with  his 
tennis-ball,  which  had  been  set  up  in  the  latter  days  of  my 
grandfather.  Another  object  of  his  peculiar  affection  is  an  old 
English  cherry  tree,  which  leans  against  a  corner  of  the  hall ; 
and  whether  the  house  supports  it,  or  it  supports  the  house, 
would  be,  I  believe,  a  question  of  some  difficulty  to  decide.  It 
is  held  sacred  by  friend  Christopher  because  he  planted  and 
reared  it  himself,  and  had  once  well-nigh  broke  his  neck  by  a 
fall  from  one  of  its  branches.  This  is  one  of  his  favourite 
stories : — and  there  is  reason  to  believe,  that  if  the  tree  was 
out  of  the  way,  the  old  gentleman  would  forget  the  whole  af- 
fair ; — which  would  be  a  great  pity. — The  old  tree  has  long  since 
ceased  bearing,  and  is  exceedingly  infirm; --every  tempest  robs 
it  of  a  limb ;  and  one  would  suppose  from  the  lamentations  of 
my  old  friend,  on  such  occasions,  that  he  had  lost  one  of  his 
own.  He  often  contemplates  it  in  a  half-melancholy,  half- 
moralizing  humour — "together, "he  says,  "have we  flourished, 
and  together  shall  we  wither  away : — a  few  years,  and  both  our 
heads  will  be  laid  low;  and,  perhaps,  my  mouldering  bones 
may,  one  day  or  other,  mingle  with  the  dust  of  ttie  tree  I  have 
planted."  He  often  fancies,  he  says,  that  it  rejoices  to  see  him 
when  he  revisits  the  hall ;  and  that  its  leaves  assume  a  brighter 
verdure,  as  if  to  welcome  his  arrival.  How  whimsically  are 
our  tenderest  f  eelings  assailed !  At  one  time  the  old  tree  had 
obtruded  a  withered  branch  before  Miss  Barbara's  window,  and 
she  desired  her  father  to  order  the  gardener  to  saw  it  off.  I 
shall  never  forget  the  old  man's  answer,  and  the  look  that  ac- 
companied it.  "What, "cried  he,  "lop  off  the  limbs  of  my 
cherry  tree  in  its  old  age  ? — why  do  you  not  cut  off  the  gray 
locks  of  your  poor  old  father  ?" 

Do  my  readers  yawn  at  this  long  family  detail  ?  They  are 
welcome  to  throw  down  our  work,  and  never  resume  it  again. 
I  have  no  care  for  such  ungratified  spirits,  and  will  not  throw 
away  a  thought  on  one  of  them ; — full  often  have  I  contributed 
to  their  amusement,  and  have  I  not  a  right,  for  once,  to  consult 
my  own  ?  Who  is  there  that  does  not  fondly  turn,  at  times,  to 
linger  round  those  scenes  which  were  once  the  haunt  of  his  boy- 
hood, ere  his  heart  grew  heavy  and  his  head  waxed  gray ;— and 
to  dwell  with  fond  affection  on  the  friends  who  have  twined 
themselves  round  his  heart, — —mingled  in  all  his  enjoyments, 
——contributed  to  all  his  felicities  ?  If  there  be  any  who  can- 
not relish  these  enjoyments,  let  them  despair;-  for  they  have 


SALMAGUNDI.  193 

been  so  soiled  in  their  intercourse  with  the  world,  as  to  be  in- 
capable of  tasting  some  of  the  purest  pleasures  that  survive  the 
happy  period  of  youth. 

To  such  as  have  not  yet  lost  the  rural  feeling,  I  address  this 
simple  family  picture ;  and  in  the  honest  sincerity  of  a  warm 
heart,  I  invite  them  to  turn  aside  from  bustle,  care,  and  toil, 
to  tarry  with  me  for  a  season,  in  the  hospitable  mansion  of  the 
Cocklofts. 


I  WAS  really  apprehensive,  on  reading  the  following  effusion 
of  Will  Wizard,  that  he  still  retained  that  pestilent  hankering 
after  puns  of  which  we  lately  convicted  him.  He,  however, 
declares, "that  he  is  fully  authorized  by  the  example  of  the  most 
popular  critics  and  wits  of  the  present  age,  whose  manner  and 
matter  he  has  closely,  and  he  flatters  himself  successfully, 
copied  in  the  subsequent  essay. 


THEATRICAL  INTELLIGENCE. 

BY   WILLIAM    WIZARD,    ESQ. 

THE  uncommon  healthiness  of  the  season,  occasioned,  as 
several  learned  physicians  assure  me,  by  the  universal  preva- 
lence of  the  influenza,  has  encouraged  the  chieftain  of  our  dra- 
matic corps  to  marshal  his  forces,  and  to  commence  the  cam- 
paign at  a  much  earlier  day  than  usual.  He  has  been  induced 
to  take  the  field  thus  suddenly,  I  am  told,  hy  the  invasion  of 
certain  foreign  marauders,  who  pitched  their  tents  at  Vauxhall- 
Garden  during  the  warm  months ;  and  taking  advantage  of  his 
army  being  disbanded  and  dispersed  in  summer  quarters,  com- 
mitted sad  depredations  upon  the  borders  of  his  territories  :— 
carrying  off  a  considerable  portion  of  his  winter  harvest,  and 
murdering  some  of  his  most  distinguished  characters. 

It  is  true,  these  hardy  invaders  have  been  reduced  to  great 
extremity  by  the  late  heavy  rains,  which  injured  and  de- 
stroyed much  of  their  camp-equipage ;  besides  spoiling  the  best 
part  of  their  wardrobe.  Two  cities,  a  triumphal  car,  and  a 
new  moon  for  Cinderella,  together  with  the  barber's  boy  who 
was  employed  every  night  to  powder  and  make  it  shine  white, 


194  SALMAO  UNDI. 

have  been  entirely  washed  away,  and  the  sea  has  become  very 
wet  and  mouldy;  insomuch  that  great  apprehensions  are 
entertained  that  it  will  never  be  dry  enough  for  use.  Add  to 
this  the  noble  county  Paris  had  the  misfortune  to  tear  his  cor- 
duroy breeches,  in  the  scuffle  with  Romeo,  by  reason  of  the 
tomb  being  very  wet,  which  occasioned  him  to  slip ;  and  he 
and  his  noble  rival  possessing  but  one  poor  pair  of  satin  ones 
between  them,  were  reduced  to  considerable  shifts  to  keep  up 
the  dignity  of  their  respective  houses.  In  spite  of  these  disad- 
vantages, and  the  untoward  circumstances,  they  continued  to 
enact  most  intrepidly ;  performing  with  much  ease  and  confi- 
dence, inasmuch  as  they  were  seldom  pestered  with  an  audi- 
ence to  criticise  and  put  them  out  of  countenance.  It  is 
rumoured  that  the  last  heavy  shower  absolutely  dissolved  the 
company,  and  that  our  manager  has  nothing  further  to  appre- 
hend from  that  quarter. 

The  theatre  opened  on  Wednesday  last,  with  great  eclat,  as 
we  critics  say,  and  almost  vied  in  brilliancy  with  that  of  my 
superb  friend  Consequa  in  Canton ;  where  the  castles  were  all 
ivory,  the  sea  mother-of-pearl,  the  skies  gold  and  silver  leaf, 
and  the  outside  of  the  boxes  inlaid  with  scallop  shell-work. 
Those  who  want  a  better  description  of  the  theatre,  may  as 
well  go  and  see  it ;  and  then  they  can  judge  for  themselves. 
For  the  gratification  of  a  highly  respectable  class  of  readers, 
who  love  to  see  every  thing  on  paper,  I  had  indeed  prepared  a 
circumstantial  and  truly  incomprehensible  account  of  it,  such 
as  your  traveller  always  fills  his  book  with,  and  which  I  defy 
the  most  intelligent  architect,  even  the  great  Sir  Christopher 
Wren,  to  understand.  I  had  jumbled  cornices,  and  pilasters, 
and  pillars,  and  capitals,  and  trigliphs,  and  modules,  and 
plinths,  and  volutes,  and  perspectives,  and  foreshortenings, 
helter-skelter;  and  had  set  all  the  orders  of  architecture,  Doric, 
Ionic,  Corinthian,  etc. ,  together  by  the  ears,  in  order  to  work 
out  a  satisfactory  description ;  but  the  manager  having  sent 
me  a  polite  note,  requesting  that  I  would  not  take  off  "the  sharp 
edge,  as  he  whimsically  expresses  it,  of  public  curiosity,  thereby 
diminishing  the  receipts  of  his  house,  I  have  willingly  con- 
sented to  oblige  him,  and  have  left  my  description  at  the  store 
of  our  publisher,  where  any  person  may  see  it — provided  he 
applies  at  a  proper  hour. 

I  cannot  refrain  here  from  giving  vent  to  the  satisfaction 
I  received  from  the  excellent  performances  of  the  different 
actors  one  and  all;  and  particularly  the  gentlemen  who  shifted 


SALMAGUNDI.  195 

the  scenes,  who  acquitted  themselves  throughout  with  great 
celerity,  dignity,  pathos  and  effect.  Nor  must  I  pass  over  the 
peculiar  merits  of  my  friend  JOHN,  who  gallanted  off  the 
chairs  and  tables  in  the  most  dignified  and  circumspect  man- 
ner. Indeed,  I  have  had  frequent  occasion  to  applaud  the  cor- 
rectness with  which  this  gentleman  fulfils  the  parts  allotted 
him,  and  consider  him  as  one  of  the  best  general  performers  in 
the  company.  My  friend,  the  cockney,  found  considerable 
fault  with  the  manner  in  which  John  shoved  a  huge  rock  from 
behind  the  scenes ;  maintaining  that  he  should  have  put  his  left 
foot  forward,  and  pushed  it  with  his  right  hand,  that  being  the 
method  practised  by  his  contemporaries  of  the  royal  theatres, 
and  universally  approved  by  their  best  critics.  He  also  took 
exception  to  John's  coat,  which  he  pronounced  too  short  by  a 
foot  at  least ;  particularly  when  he  turned  his  back  to  the  com- 
pany. But  I  look  upon  these  objections  in  the  same  light  as 
new  readings,  and  insist  that  John  shall  be  allowed  to 
manoeuvre  his  chairs  and  tables,  shove  his  rocks,  and  wear  his 
skirts  in  that  style  which  his  genius  best  effects.  My  hopes  in 
the  rising  merit  of  this  favourite  actor  daily  increase ;  and  I 
would  hint  to  the  manager  the  propriety  of  giving  him  a 
benefit,  advertising  in  the  usual  style  of  play- bills,  as  a- 
"springe  to  catch  woodcocks,"  that,  between  the  play  and 
farce,  JOHN  will  MAKE  A  BOW— for  that  night  only ! 

I  am  told  that  no  pains  have  been  spared  to  make  the  exhibi- 
tions of  this  season  as  splendid  as  possible.  Several  expert  rat- 
catchers have  been  sent  into  different  parts  of  the  country  to 
catch  white  mice  for  the  grand  pantomime  of  CINDERELLA.  A 
nest  full  of  little  squab  Cupids  have  been  taken  in  the  neigh- 
bourhood of  Communipaw;  they  are  as  yet  but  half  fledged, 
of  the  true  Holland  breed,  and  it  is  hoped  will  be  able  to  fly 
about  by  the  middle  of  October;  otherwise  they  will  be  sus- 
pended about  the  stage  by  the  waistband,  like  little  alligators 
in  an  apothecary's  shop,  as  the  pantomime  must  positively  be 
performed  by  that  time.  Great  pains  and  expense  have  been 
incurred  in  the  importation  of  one  of  the  most  portly  pump- 
kins in  New-England ;  and  the  public  may  be  assured  there  is 
now  one  on  board  a  vessel  from  New-Haven,  which  will  con- 
tain Cinderella's  coach  and  six  with  perfect  ease,  were  the 
white  mice  even  ten  times  as  large. 

Also  several  barrels  of  hail,  rain,  brimstone,  and  gunpowder, 
are  in  store  for  melo-dramas;  of  which  a  number  are  to  be 
played  off  this  whiter.  It  is  furthermore  whispered  me  that 


196  SALMAGUNDI. 

the  great  thunder-drum  has  been  new  braced,  and  an  expert 
performer  on  that  instrument  engaged,  who  will  tn  under  in 
plain  English,  so  as  to  be  understood  by  the  most  illiterate 
hearer.  This  will  be  infinitely  preferable  to  the  miserable 
Italian  thunderer  employed  last  winter  by  Mr.  Ciceri,  who 
performed  in  such  an  unnatural  and  outlandish  tongue  that 
none  but  the  scholars  of  signer  Da  Ponte  could  understand 
him.  It  will  be  a  further  gratification  to  the  patriotic  audi- 
ence to  know,  that  the  present  thunderer  is  a  fellow  country- 
man, born  at  Dunderbarrack,  among  the  echoes  of  the  High- 
lands ; — and  that  he  thunders  with  peculiar  emphasis  and  pom- 
pous enunciation,  in  the  true  style  of  a  fourth  of  July  orator. 

In  addition  to  all  these  additions,  the  manager  has  provided 
an  entire  new  snow-storm;  the  very  sight  of  which  will  be 
quite  sufficient  to  draw  a  shawl  over  every  naked  bosom  in  the 
theatre;  the  snow  is  perfectly  fresh,  having  bejn  manufac- 
tured last  August. 

N.  B.  The  outside  of  the  theatre  has  been  ornamented  with  a 
new  chimney !! 


SALMAGUNDI  1«7 


KO.  XV.-THURSDAY,  OCTOBER  1,  1807. 


SKETCHES    FROM    NATURE. 

BY  ANTHONY  EVERGREEN,  GENT. 

THE  brisk  north- westers,  which  prevailed  not  long  since,  had 
a  powerful  effect  in  arresting  the  progress  of  belles,  beaux,  and 
wild  pigeons  in  their  fashionable  northern  tour,  and  turning 
them  back  to  the  more  balmy  region  of  the  South.  Among 
the  rest,  I  was  encountered,  full  butt,  by  a  blast  which  set  my 
teeth  chattering,  just  as  I  doubled  one  of  the  frowning  bluffs 
of  the  Mohawk  mountains,  in  my  route  to  Niagara ;  and  facing 
about  incontinently,  I  forthwith  scud  before  the  wind,  and  a 
few  days  since  arrived  at  my  old  quarters  in  New- York.  My 
first  care,  on  returning  from  so  long  an  absence,  was  to  visit 
the  worthy  family  of  the  Cocklofts,  whom  I  found  safe,  bur- 
rowed in  their  country  mansion.  On  inquiring  for  my  highly 
respected  coadjutor,  Langstaff,  I  learned  with  great  concern 
that  he  had  relapsed  into  one  of  his  eccentric  fits  of  the  spleen, 
3ver  since  the  era  of  a  turtle  dinner  given  by  old  Cockloft  to 
some  of  the  neighbouring  squires;  wherein  the  old  gentleman 
had  achieved  a  glorious  victory,  in  laying  honest  Launcelot 
fairly  under  the  table.  Langstaff,  although  fond  of  the  social 
board,  and  cheerful  glass,  yet  abominates  any  excess ;  and  has 
an  invincible  aversion  to  getting  mellow,  considering  it  a  wil- 
ful outrage  on  the  sanctity  of  imperial  mind,  a  senseless  abuse 
of  the  body,  and  an  unpardonable,  because  a  voluntary,  pros- 
tration of  both  mental  and  personal  dignity.  I  have  heard 
him  moralize  on  the  subject,  in  a  style  that  would  have  done 
honour  to  Michael  Cassia  himself;  but  I  believe,  if  the  truth 
were  known,  this  antipathy  rather  arises  from  his  having,  as 
the  phrase  is,  but  a  weak  head,  and  nerves  so  extremely  sensi- 
tive, that  he  is  sure  to  suffer  severely  from  a  frolic;  and  will 


198  SALMAGUNDI. 

groan  and  make  resolutions  against  it  for  a  week  afterwards. 
He  therefore  took  this  waggish  exploit  of  old  Christopher's,  and 
the  consequent  quizzing  which  he  underwent,  in  high  dudgeon, 
had  kept  aloof  from  company  for  a  fortnight,  and  appeared  to 
be  meditating  some  deep  plan  of  retaliation  upon  his  mis- 
chievous old  crony.  He  had,  however,  for  the  last  day  or  two, 
shown  some  symptoms  of  convalescence :  had  listened,  without 
more  than  half  a  dozen  twitches  of  impatience,  to  one  of  Chris- 
topher's unconscionable  long  stories;  and  even  was  seen  to 
smile,  for  the  one  hundred  and  thirtieth  time,  at  a  venerable 
joke  originally  borrowed  from  Joe  Miller:  but  which,  by  dint 
of  long  occupancy,  and  frequent  repetition,  the  old  gentleman 
now  firmly  believes  happened  to  himself  somewhere  in  New- 
England. 

As  I  am  well  acquainted  with  Launcelot's  haunts,  I  soon 
found  him  out.  He  was  lolling  on  his  favourite  bench,  rudely 
constructed  at  the  foot  of  an  old  tree,  which  is  full  of  fantasti- 
cal twists,  and  with  its  spreading  branches  forms  a  canopy  of 
luxuriant  foliage.  This  tree  is  a  kind  of  chronicle  of  the  short 
reigns  of  his  uncle  John's  mistresses;  and  its  trunk  is  sorely 
wounded  with  carvings  of  true  lovers'  knots,  hearts,  darts, 
names,  and  inscriptions!— frail  memorials  of  the  variety  of  the 
fair  dames  who  captivated  the  wandering  fancy  of  that  old 
cavalier  in  the  days  of  his  youthful  romance.  Launcelot  holds 
this  tree  in  particular  regard,  as  he  does  every  thing  else  con- 
nected with  the  memory  of  his  good  uncle  John.  He  was  re- 
clining, in  one  of  his  usual  brown  studies,  against  its  trunk, 
and  gazing  pensively  upon  the  river  that  glided  just  by,  wash- 
ing the  drooping  branches  of  the  dwarf  willows  that  fringed  its 
bank.  My  appearance  roused  him ; — he  grasped  my  hand  with 
his  usual  warmth,  and  with  a  tremulous  but  close  pressure, 
which  spoke  that  his  heart  entered  into  the  salutation.  After 
a  number  of  affectionate  inquiries  and  felicitations,  such  as 
friendship,  not  form,  dictated,  he  seemed  to  relapse  into  his 
former  flow  of  thought,  and  to  resume  the  chain  of  ideas  my 
appearance  had  broken  for  a  moment. 

"I  was  reflecting,"  said  he,  "my  dear  Anthony,  upon  some 
observations  I  made  in  our  last  number;  and  considering 
whether  the  sight  of  objects  once  dear  to  the  affections,  or  of 
scenes  where  we  have  passed  different  happy  periods  of  early 
life,  really  occasions  most  enjoyment  or  most  regret.  Renew- 
ing our  acquaintance  with  well-known  but  long-separated  ob- 
jects, revives,  it  is  true,  the  recollection  of  former  pleasures, 


SALMAGUNDI.  199 

and  touches  the  tenderest  feelings  of  the  heart ;  like  the  flavour 
of  a  delicious  beverage  will  remain  upon  the  palate  long  after 
ihe  cup  has  parted  from  the  lips.  But  on  the  other  hand,  my 
friend,  these  same  objects  are  too  apt  to  awaken  us  to  a  keener 
recollection  of  what  we  were,  when  they  erst  delighted  us ;  to 
provoke  a  mortifying  and  melancholy  contrast  with  what  we 
are  at  present.  They  act,  in  a  manner,  as  milestones  of  exist- 
ence, showing  us  how  far  we  have  travelled  in  the  journey  of 
life ; — how  much  of  our  weary  but  fascinating  pilgrimage  is 
accomplished.  I  look  round  me,  and  my  eye  fondly  recognizes 
the  fields  I  once  sported  over,  the  river  in  which  I  once  swam, 
and  the  orchard  I  intrepidly  robbed  in  the  halcyon  days  of 
boyhood.  The  fields  are  still  green,  the  river  still  rolls  un- 
altered and  undiminished,  and  the  orchard  is  still  flourishing 
and  fruitful ; — it  is  I  only  am  changed.  The  thoughtless  flow 
of  mad-cap  spirits  that  nothing  could  depress;— the  elasticity 
of  nerve  that  enabled  me  to  bound  over  the  field,  to  stem  the 
stream,  and  climb  the  tree ;— the  '  sunshine  of  the  breast''  that 
beamed  an  illusive  charm  over  every  object,  and  created  a 
paradise  around  me! — where  are  they? — the  thievish  lapse  of 
years  has  stolen  them  away,  and  left  in  return  nothing  but 
gray  hairs,  and  a  repining  spirit."  My  friend  Launcelot  con- 
cluded his  harangue  with  a  sigh,  and  as  I  saw  he  was  still 
under  the  influence  of  a  whole  legion  of  the  blues,  and  just  on 
the  point  of  sinking  into  one  of  his  whimsical  and  unreason- 
able fits  of  melancholy  abstraction,  I  proposed  a  walk ; — he  con- 
sented, and  slipping  his  left  arm  in  mine,  and  waving  in  the 
other  a  gold-headed  thorn  cane,  bequeathed  him  by  his  uncle 
John,  we  slowly  rambled  along  the  margin  of  the  river. 

Langstaff,  though  possessing  great  vivacity  of  temper,  is 
most  wofully  subject  to  these  "thick  coming  fancies:"  and  I 
do  not  know  a  man  whose  animal  spirits  do  insult  him  with 
more  jiltings,  and  coquetries,  and  slippery  tricks.  In  these 
moods  he  is  often  visited  by  a  whim- wham  which  he  indulges 
in  common  with  the  Cocklofts.  It  is  that  of  looking  back  with 
regret,  conjuring  up  the  phantoms  of  good  old  times,  and  deck- 
ing them  out  in  imaginary  finery,  with  the  spoils  of  his  fancy; 
like  a  good  lady  widow,  regretting  the  loss  of  the  "  poor  dear 
man ;"  for  whom,  while  living,  she  cared  not  a  rush.  I  have 
seen  him  and  Pindar,  and  old  Cockloft,  amuse  themselves  over 
a  bottle  with  their  youthful  days ;  until  by  the  time  they  had 
become  what  is  termed  merry,  they  were  the  most  miserable 
beings  in  existence.  In  a  similar  humour  was  Launcelot  at 


200  SALMAGUNDI. 

present,  and  I  knew  the  only  way  was  to  let  him  moralize 
himself  out  of  it. 

Our  ramble  was  soon  interrupted  by  the  appearance  of  a 
personage  of  no  little  importance  at  Cockloft-hall;— for,  to  let 
my  readers  into  a  family  secret,  friend  Christopher  is  notori- 
ously hen  pecked  by  an  old  negro,  who  has  whitened  on  the 
place;  and  is  his  master,  almanac,  and  counsellor.  My  read- 
ers, if  haply  they  have  sojourned  in  the  country,  and  become 
conversant  in  rural  manners,  must  have  observed,  that  there  is 
scarce  a  little  hamlet  but  has  one  of  these  old  weather-beaten 
wiseacres  of  negroes,  who  ranks  among  the  great  characters  of 
the  place.  He  is  always  resorted  to  as  an  oracle  to  resolve  any 
question  about  the  weather,  fishing,  shooting,  farming,  and 
horse-doctoring:  and  on  such  occasions  will  slouch  his  remnant 
of  a  hat  on  one  side,  fold  his  arms,  roll  his  white  eyes,  and 
examine  the  sky,  with  a  look  as  knowing  as  Peter  Pindar's 
magpie  when  peeping  into  a  marrow-bone.  Such  a  sage 
curmudgeon  is  Old  Csesar,  who  acts  as  friend  Cockloft's  prime 
minister  or  grand  vizier;  assumes,  when  abroad,  his  master's 
style  and  title ;  to  wit,  squire  Cockloft ;  and  is,  in  effect,  abso- 
lute lord  and  ruler  of  the  soil. 

As  he  passed  us  he  pulled  off  his  hat  with  an  air  of  some- 
thing more  than  respect ; — it  partook,  I  thought,  of  affection. 
"There,  ndw,  is  another  memento  of  the  kind  I  have  been 
noticing,"  said  Launcelot;  "Caesar  was  a  bosom  friend  and 
chosen  playmate  of  cousin  Pindar  and  myself,  when  we  were 
boys.  Never  were  we  so  nappy  as  when,  stealing  away  on  a 
holiday  to  the  hall,  we  ranged  about  the  fields  with  honest 
Caesar.  He  was  particularly  adroit  in  making  our  quail-traps 
and  fishing-rods ;  was  always  the  ring-leader  in  all  the  schemes 
of  frolicksome  mischief  perpetrated  by  the  urchins  of  the 
neighbourhood ;  considered  himself  on  an  equality  with  the 
best  of  us;  and  many  a  hard  battle  have  I  had  with  him, 
about  a  division  of  the  spoils  of  an  orchard,  or  the  title  to  a 
bird's  nest.  Many  a  summer  evening  do  I  remember  when 
huddled  together  on  the  steps  of  the  hall  door,  Caesar,  with  his 
stories  of  ghosts,  goblins,  and  witches,  would  put  us  all  in  a 
panic,  and  people  every  lane,  and  church-yard,  and  solitary 
wood,  with  imaginary  beings.  In  process  of  time,  he  became 
the  constant  attendant  and  Man  Friday  of  cousin  Pindar, 
whenever  he  went  a  sparking  among  the  rosy  country  girls 
of  the  neighbouring  farms;  and  brought  up  his  rear  at  every 
rustic  dance,  when  he  would  mingle  in  the  sable  group  that 


SALMAO  UND1.  201 

always  thronged  the  door  of  merriment;  and  it  was  enough  to 
put  to  the  rout  a  host  of  splenetic  imps  to  see  his  mouth  grad- 
ually dilate  from  ear  to  ear,  with  pride  and  exultation,  at  see- 
ing how  neatly  master  Pindar  footed  it  over  the  floor.  Caesar 
was  likewise  the  chosen  confidant  and  special  agent  of  Pindar 
in  all  his  love  affairs,  until,  as  his  evil  stars  would  have  it,  on 
being  entrusted  with  the  delivery  of  a  poetic  billetdoux  to  one 
of  his  patron's  sweethearts,  he  took  an  unlucky  notion  to  send 
it  to  his  own  sable  dulcinea;  who,  not  being  able  to  read  it, 
took  it  to  her  mistress ; — and  so  the  whole  affair  was  blown. 
Pindar  was  universally  roasted,  and  Caesar  discharged  for 
ever  from  his  confidence. 

"Poor  Caesar  !  —  he  has  now  grown  old,  like  his  young 
masters,  but  he  still  remembers  old  times ;  and  will,  now  and 
then,  remind  me  of  them  as  he  lights  me  to  my  room,  and 

lingers  a  little  while  to  bid  me  a  good -night : believe  me,  my 

dear  Evergreen,  the  honest,  simple  old  creature  has  a  warm 
corner  in  my  heart; — I  don't  see,  for  my  part,  why  a  body 
may  not  like  a  negro  as  well  as  a  white  man !" 

By  the  time  these  biographical  anecdotes  were  ended  we  had 
reached  the  stable,  into  which  we  involuntarily  strolled,  and 
found  Caesar  busily  employed  in  nibbing  down  the  horses;  an 
office  he  would  not  entrust  to  any  body  else;  having  con- 
tracted an  affection  for  every  beast  in  the  stable,  from  their 
being  descendants  of  the  old  race  of  animals,  his  youthful  con- 
temporaries. Caesar  was  very  particular  in  giving  us  their 
pedigrees,  together  with  a  panegyric  on  the  swiftness,  bottom, 
blood,  and  spirit  of  their  sires.  From  these  he  digressed  into  a 
variety  of  anecdotes,  in  which  Launcelot  bore  a  conspicuous 
part,  and  on  which  the  old  negro  dwelt  with  all  the  garrulity 
of  age.  Honest  Langstaff  stood  leaning  with  his  arm  over  the 
back  of  his  favourite  steed,  old  Killdeer ;  and  I  could  perceive 
he  listened  to  Caesar's  simple  details  with  that  fond  attention 
with  which  a  feeling  mind  will  hang  over  narratives  of  boyish 
days.  His  eyes  sparkled  with  animation,  a  glow  of  youthful 
fire  stole  across  his  pale  visage ;  he  nodded  with  smiling  appro- 
bation at  every  sentence ; — chuckled  at  every  exploit ;  laughed 
heartily  at  the  story  of  his  once  having  smoked  out  a  country 
singing-school  with  brimstone  and  assaf oetida ; — and  slipping  a 
piece  of  money  into  old  Caesar's  hand  to  buy  himself  a  new 
tobacco-box,  he  seized  me  by  the  arm  and  hurried  out  of  the 
stable  brimfull  of  good-nature.  "Tis  a  pestilent  old  rogue  for 
talking,  my  dear  fellow,"  cried  he.  "but  you  must  not  find 


202  SALMAGUNDI. 

fault  with  him, — the  creature  means  well."  I  Knew  at  the 
very  moment  that  he  made  this  apology,  honest  Caesar  could 
not  have  given  him  half  the  satisfaction  had  he  talked  like  a 
Cicero  or  a  Solomon. 

Launcelot  returned  to  the  house  with  me  in  the  best  possible 
humour: — the  whole  family,  who,  in  truth,  love  and  honour 
him  from  their  very  souls,  were  delighted  to  see  the  sunbeams 
once  more  play  in  his  countenance.  Every  one  seemed  to  vie 
who  should  talk  the  most,  tell  the  longest  stories,  and  be  most 
agreeable ;  and  Will  Wizard,  who  had  accompanied  me  in  my 
visit,  declared,  as  he  lighted  his  segar,  which  had  gone  out 
forty  times  in  the  course  of  one  of  his  oriental  tales, — that  he 
had  not  passed  so  pleasant  an  evening  since  the  birth-nighii 
ball  of  the  beauteous  empress  of  Hayti. 


[The  following  essay  was  written  by  my  friend  Langstaff ,  in 
one  of  the  paroxysms  of  his  splenetic  complaint;  and,  for 
aught  I  know,  may  have  been  effectual  in  restoring  him  to 
good  humour.— A  mental  discharge  of  the  kind  has  a  remark- 
able tendency  toward  sweetening  the  temper,— and  Launcelot 
is,  at  this  moment,  one  of  the  best-natured  men  in  existence. 

A.  EVERGREEN.] 


ON  GKEATNESS. 

BY  LAUNCELOT  LANGSTAFF,   ESQ. 

WE  have  more  than  once,  in  the  course  of  our  work,  been 
most  jocosely  familiar  with  great  personages ;  and,  in  truth, 
treated  them  with  as  little  ceremony,  respect,  and  considera 
tion,  as  if  they  had  been  our  most  particular  friends.  Now, 
we  would  not  suffer  the  mortification  of  having  our  readers 
even  suspect  us  of  an  intimacy  of  the  kind;  assuring  them 
we  are  extremely  choice  in  our  intimates,  and  uncommonly 
circumspect  in  avoiding  connections  with  all  doubtful  char- 
acters; particularly  pimps,  bailiffs,  lottery-brokers,  chevaliers 
of  industry,  and  great  men.  The  world,  in  general,  is  pretty 
well  aware  of  what  is  to  be  understood  by  the  former  classef 


SALMAGUNDI.  203 

of  delinquents;  but  as  the  latter  has  never,  I  believe,  been 
specifically  defined;  and  as  we  are  determined  to  instruct 
OUT  readers  to  the  extent  of  our  abilities,  and  their  limited 
comprehension,  it  may  not  be  amiss  here  to  let  them  know 
what  we  understand  by  a  great  man. 

First,  therefore,  let  us — editors  and  kings  are  always  plural 
! — premise,  that  there  are  two  kinds  of  greatness, — one  con- 
ferred by  heaven— the  exalted  nobility  of  the  soul;— the  other, 
a  spurious  distinction,  engendered  by  the  mob  and  lavished 
upon  its  favourites.  The  former  of  these  distinctions  we  have 
always  contemplated  with  reverence ;  the  latter,  we  will  take 
this  opportunity  to  strip  naked  before  our  unenlightened  read- 
ers ;  so  that  if  by  chance  any  of  them  are  held  in  ignominious 
thraldrom  by  this  base  circulation  of  false  coin,  they  may 
forthwith  emancipate  themselves  from  such  inglorious  delu- 
sion. 

It  is  a  fictitious  value  given  to  individuals  by  public  caprice, 
as  bankers  give  an  impression  to  a  worthless  slip  of  paper ; 
thereby  gaining  it  a  currency  for  infinitely  more  than  its 
intrinsic  value.  Every  nation  has  its  peculiar  coin,  and 
peculiar  great  men ;  neither  of  which  will,  for  the  most  part, 
pass  current  out  of  the  country  where  they  are  stamped. 
Your  true  mob-created  great  man,  is  like  a  note  of  one  of  the 
little  New-England  banks,  and  his  value  depreciates  in  propor- 
tion to  the  distance  from  home.  In  England  a  great  man  is  he 
who  has  most  ribands  and  gew-gaws  on  his  coat,  most  horses 
to  his  carriage,  most  slaves  in  his  retinue,  or  most  toad-eaters 
at  his  table ;  in  France,  he  who  can  most  dexterously  flourish 

his  heels  above  his  head Duport  is  most  incontestably  the 

greatest  man  in  France! — when  the  emperor  is  absent.  The 
greatest  man  in  China  is  he  who  can  trace  his  ancestry  up  to 
the  moon ;  and  in  this  country,  our  great  men  may  generally 
hunt  down  their  pedigree  until  it  burrows  in  the  dirt  like  a 
rabbit.  To  be  concise ;  our  great  men  are  those  who  are  most 
expert  at  crawling  on  all  fours,  and  have  the  happiest  facility 
in  dragging  and  winding  themselves  along  in  the  dirt  like  very 
reptiles.  This  may  seem  a  paradox  to  many  of  my  readers, 
who,  with  great  good-nature  be  it  hinted,  are  too  stupid  to 
look  beyond  the  mere  surface  of  our  invaluable  writings-, 
and  often  pass  over  the  knowing  allusion,  and  poignant  mean- 
ing, that  is  slily  couching  benoath.  It  is  for  the  benefit  of 
such  helpless  ignorants,  who  have  no  other  creed  but  the 
opinion  of  the  mob,  that  I  shall  trace — as  far  as  it  is  possible 


204  SALMAGUNDI. 

to  follow  him  in  his  progress  from  insignificance— the  rise, 
progress,  and  completion  of  a  LITTLE  GREAT  MAN. 

In  a  logocracy,  to  use  the  sage  Mustapha's  phrase,  it  is  not 
absolutely  necessary  to  the  formation  of  a  great  man  that  he 
should  be  either  wise  or  valiant,  upright  or  honourable.  On 
the  contrary,  daily  experience  shows  that  these  qualities 
rather  impede  his  preferment ;  inasmuch  as  they  are  prone  to 
render  him  too  inflexibly  erect,  and  are  directly  at  variance 
with  that  willowy  suppleness  which  enables  a  man  to  wind 
and  twist  through  all  the  nooks  and  turns  and  dark  winding 
passages  that  lead  to  greatness.  The  grand  requisite  for 
climbing  the  rugged  hill  of  popularity, — the  summit  of  which 
is  the  seat  of  power,— is  to  be  useful.  And  here  once  more,  for 
the  sake  of  our  readers,  who  are,  of  course,  not  so  wise  as  our- 
selves, I  must  explain  what  we  understand  by  usefulness. 
The  horse,  in  his  native  state,  is  wild,  swift,  impetuous,  full  of 
majesty,  and  of  a  most  generous  spirit.  It  is  then  the  animal 
is  noble,  exalted,  and  useless. — But  entrap  him,  manacle  him, 
cudgel  him,  break  down  his  lofty  spirit,  put  the  curb  into  his 
mouth,  the  load  upon  his  back,  and  reduce  him  into  servile 
obedience  to  the  bridle  and  the  lash,  and  it  is  then  he  becomes 
useful.  Your  jackass  is  one  of  the  most  useful  animals  in 
existence.  If  my  readers  do  not  now  understand  what  I  mean 
by  usefulness,  I  give  them  all  up  for  most  absolute  nincoms. 

To  rise  in  this  country,  a  man  must  first  descend.  The 
aspiring  politician  may  be  compared  to  that  indefatigable 
insect  called  the  tumbler;  pronounced  by  a  distinguished  per- 
sonage to  be  the  only  industrious  animal  in  Virginia,  which 
buries  itself  in  filth,  and  works  ignobly  in  the  dirt,  until  it 
forms  a  little  ball,  which  it  rolls  laboriously  along,  like 
Diogenes  in  his  tub ;  sometimes  head,  sometimes  tail  foremost, 
pilfering  from  every  rut  and  mud-hole,  and  increasing  its  ball 
j  of  greatness  by  the  contributions  of  the  kennel.  Just  so  the 
!  candidate  for  greatness ;— he  plunges  into  that  mass  of  ob- 
scenity, the  mob;  labours  in  dirt  and  oblivion,  and  makes 
unto  himself  the  rudiments  of  a  popular  name  from  the  ad- 
miration and  praises  of  rogues,  ignoramuses,  and  blackguards. 
His  name  once  started,  onward  he  goes  struggling,  and  puffing, 
and  pushing  it  before  him;  collecting  new  tributes  from  the 
dregs  and  offals  of  the  land,  as  he  proceeds,  until  having 
gathered  together  a  mighty  mass  of  popularity,  he  mounts  it 
in  triumph;  is  hoisted  into  office,  and  becomes  a  great  man, 
aod  a  ruler  in  the  land; — all  this  will  be  clearly  illustrated  by 


SALMAGUNDI.  206 

a  sketch  of  a.  worthy  of  the  kind,  who  sprung  up  under  my 
eye,  and  was  hatched  from  pollution  by  the  broad  rays  of 
popularity,  which,  like  the  sun,  can  "breed  maggots  in  a  dead 
dog." 

TIMOTHY  DABBLE  was  a  young  man  of  very  promising 
talents ;  for  he  wrote  a  fair  hand,  and  had  thrice  won  the  silver 
medal  at  a  country  academy ; — he  was  also  an  orator,  for  he 
talked  with  emphatic  volubility,  and  could  argue  a  full  hour, 
without  taking  either  side,  or  advancing  a  single  opinion ;— he 
had  still  further  requisites  for  eloquence; — for  he  made  very 
handsome  gestures,  had  dimples  in  his  cheeks  when  he  smiled, 
and  enunciated  most  harmoniously  through  his  nose.  In 
short,  nature  had  certainly  marked  him  out  for  a  great  man ; 
for  though  he  was  not  tall,  yet  he  added  at  least  half  an  inch 
to  his  stature  by  elevating  his  head,  and  assumed  an  amazing 
expression  of  dignity  by  turning  up  his  nose  and  curling  his 
nostrils  in  a  style  of  conscious  superiority.  Convinced  by 
these  unequivocal  appearances,  Babble's  friends,  in  full  caucus, 
one  and  all,  declared  that  he  was  undoubtedly  born  to  be  a 
great  man ;  and  it  would  be  his  own  fault  if  he  were  not  one. 
Dabble  was  tickled  with  an  opinion  which  coincided  so  happily 
with  his  own,— for  vanity,  in  a  confidential  whisper,  had  given 
him  the  like  intimation ; — and  he  reverenced  the  judgment  of 
his  friends  because  they  thought  so  highly  of  himself; — accord- 
ingly he  set  out  with  a  determination  to  become  a  great  man, 
and  to  start  in  the  scrub-race  for  honour  and  renown.  How 
to  attain  the  desired  prizes  was,  however,  the  question.  He 
knew  by  a  kind  of  instinctive  f eeling,  which  seems  peculiar  to 
grovelling  minds,  that  honour,  and  its  better  part — profit, 
would  never  seek  him  out ;  that  they  would  never  knock  at 
his  door  and  crave  admittance ;  but  must  be  courted,  and  toiled 
after,  and  earned.  He  therefore  strutted  forth  into  the  high- 
ways, the  market-places,  and  the  assemblies  of  the  people; 
ranted  like  a  true  cockerel  orator  about  virtue,  and  patriotism, 
and  liberty,  and  equality,  and  himself.  Full  many  a  political 
wind-mill  did  he  battle  with ;  and  full  many  a  time  did  he  talk 
himself  out  of  breath,  and  his  hearers  out  of  their  patience. 
But  Dabble  found,  to  his  vast  astonishment,  that  there  was  not 
a  notorious  political  pimp  at  a  ward  meeting  but  could  out- 
talk  him ;  and  what  was  still  more  mortifying,  there  was  not  a 
notorious  political  pimp  but  was  more  noticed  and  caressed 
than  himself.  The  reason  was  simple  enough;  while  he 
harangued  about  principles,  the  others  ranted  about  men; 


206  SALMAGUNDI. 

where  he  reprobated  a  political  error,  they  blasted  a  political 
character ; — they  were  consequently,  the  most  useful ;  for  the 
great  object  of  our  political  disputes  is  not  who  shall  have  the 
honor  of  emancipating  the  community  from  the  leading  strings 
of  delusion,  but  who  shall  have  the  profit  of  holding  the 
strings  and  leading  the  community  by  the  nose. 

Dabble  was  likewise  very  loud  in  his  professions  of  integ- 
rity, incorruptibility,  and  disinterestedness ;  words  which,  from 
being  filtered  and  refined  through  newspapers  and  election 
handbills,  have  lost  their  original  signification;  and  in  the 
political  dictionary  are  synonymous  with  empty  pockets, 
itching  palms,  and  interested  ambition.  He,  in  addition  to 
all  this,  declared  that  he  would  support  none  but  honest  men ; 
— but  unluckily  as  but  few  of  these  offered  themselves  to  be 
supported,  Babble's  services  were  seldom  required.  He  pledged 
himself  never  to  engage  in  party  schemes,  or  party  politics, 
but  to  stand  up  solely  for  the  broad  interests  of  his  country ; — 
so  he  stood  alone;  and  what  is  the  same  thing,  he  stood  still-, 
for,  in  this  country,  he  who  does  not  side  with  either  party,  ia 
like  a  body  in  a  vacuum  between  two  planets,  and  must  for  ever 
remain  motionless. 

Dabble  was  immeasurably  surprised  that  a  man  so  honest,  so 
disinterested,  and  so  sagacious  withal, — and  one  too  who  had 
the  good  of  his  country  so  much  at  heart,  should  thus  remain 
unnoticed  and  unapplauded.  A  little  worldly  advice,  whis- 
pered in  his  ear  by  a  shrewd  old  politician,  at  once  explained 
the  whole  mystery.  "He  who  would  become  great,"  said  he, 
"must  serve  an  apprenticeship  to  greatness ;  and  rise  by  regular 
gradation,  like  the  master  of  a  vessel,  who  commences  by  being 
scrub  and  cabin-boy.  He  must  fag  in  the  train  of  great  men, 
echo  all  their  sentiments,  become  their  toad-eater  and  parasite ; 
— laugh  at  all  their  jokes,  and  above  all,  endeavour  to  make 
them  laugh;  if  you  only  now  and  then  make  a  man  laugh, 
your  fortune  is  made.  Look  but  about  you,  youngster,  and 
you  will  not  see  a  single  little  great  man  of  the  day,  but  has 
his  miserable  herd  of  retainers,  who  yelp  at  his  heels,  come  at 
his  whistle,  worry  whoever  he  points  his  finger  at,  and  think 
themselves  fully  rewarded  by  sometimes  snapping  up  a  crumb 
that  falls  from  the  great  man's  table.  Talk  of  patriotism  and 
virtue,  and  incorruptibility !— tut,  man!  they  are  the  very 
qualities  that  scare  munificence,  and  keep  patronage  at  a  dis- 
tance. You  might  as  well  attempt  to  entice  crows  with  red 
rags  and  gunpowder.  Lay  all  these  scarecrow  virtues  aside, 


BALM  A  o  UNDL  207 

and  let  this  be  your  maxim,  that  a  candidate  for  political 
eminence  is  like  a  dried  herring;  he  never  becomes  luminous 
until  he  is  corrupt." 

Dabble  caught  with  hungry  avidity  these  congenial  doc- 
trines, and  turned  into  his  pre-destined  channel  of  action  with 
the  force  and  rapidity  of  a  stream  which  has  for  a  while  been 
restrained  from  its  natural  course.  He  became  what  nature 
had  fitted  him  to  be ; — his  tone  softened  down  from  arrogant 
self-sufficiency,  to  the  whine  of  fawning  solicitation.  He  min- 
gled in  the  caucuses  of  the  sovereign  people ;  adapted  his  dress 
to  a  similitude  of  dirty  raggedness ;  argued  most  logically  with 
those  who  were  of  his  own  opinion ;  and  slandered,  with  all  the 
malice  of  impotence,  exalted  characters  whose  orbit  he  de- 
spaired ever  to  approach: — just  as  that  scoundrel  midnight 
thief,  the  owl,  hoots  at  the  blessed  light  of  the  sun,  whose 
glorious  lustre  he  dares  never  contemplate.  He  likewise  ap- 
plied himself  to  discharging,  faithfully,  the  honourable  duties 
of  a  partisan; — he  poached  about  for  private  slanders  and 
ribald  anecdotes;— he  folded  handbills; — he  even  wrote  one  or 
two  himself,  which  he  carried  about  in  his  pocket  and  read  to 
every  body ; — he  became  a  secretary  at  ward-meetings,  set  his 
hand  to  divers  resolutions  of  patriotic  import,  and  even  once 
went  so  far  as  to  make  a  speech,  in  which  he  proved  that  patri- 
otism was  a  virtue ; — the  reigning  bashaw  a  great  man ;— that 
this  was  a  free  country,  and  he  himself  an  arrant  and  incon- 
testable buzzard ! 

Dabble  was  now  very  frequent  and  devout  in  his  visits  to 
those  temples  of  politics,  popularity,  and  smoke,  the  ward 
porter-houses ;  those  true  dens  of  equality  where  all  ranks,  ages, 
and  talents  are  brought  down  to  the  dead  level  of  rude  famil- 
iarity. 'Twas  here  his  talents  expanded,  and  his  genius  swelled 
up  into  its  proper  size ;  like  the  loathsome  toad,  which,  shrink- 
ing from  balmy  airs  and  jocund  sunshine,  finds  his  congenial 
home  in  caves  and  dungeons,  and  there  nourishes  his  venom, 
and  bloats  his  deformity.  'Twas  here  he  revelled  with  the 
swinish  multitude  in  their  debauches  on  patriotism  and  porter; 
and  it  became  an  even  chance  whether  Dabble  would  turn  out 
a  great  man  or  a  great  drunkard.  But  Dabble  in  all  this  kept 
steadily  in  his  eye  the  only  deity  he  ever  worshipped — his  in- 
terest. Having  by  this  familiarity  ingratiated  himself  with  the 
mob,  he  became  wonderfully  potent  and  industrious  at  elec- 
tions ;  knew  all  the  dens  and  cellars  of  profligacy  and  intem- 
perance; brought  more  negroes  to  the  polls,  and  knew  to  a 


208  8 ALMA  G  UNDI. 

greater  certainty  where  votes  could  be  bought  for  beer,  than 
any  of  his  contemporaries.  His  exertions  in  the  cause,  hia 
persevering  industry,  his  degrading  compliance,  his  unresist- 
ing humility,  his  steadfast  dependence,  at  length  caught  the 
attention  of  one  of  the  leaders  of  the  party ;  who  was  pleased 
to  observe  that  Dabble  was  a  very  useful  fellow,  who  would  go 
all  lengths.  From  that  moment  his  fortune  was  made;— he 
was  hand  and  glove  with  orators  and  slang- whangers ;  basked 
in  the  sunshine  of  great  men's  smiles,  and  had  the  honour,  sun- 
dry times,  of  shaking  hands  with  dignitaries,  and  drinking  out 
of  the  same  pot  with  them  at  a  porter-house ! ! 

I  will  not  fatigue  myself  with  tracing  this  caterpillar  in  his 
slimy  progress  from  worm  to  butterfly :  suffice  it  that  Dabble 
bowed  and  bowed,  and  fawned,  and  sneaked,  and  smirked, 
and  libelled,  until  one  would  have  thought  perseverance  itself 
would  have  settled  down  into  despair.  There  was  no  knowing 
how  long  he  might  have  lingered  at  a  distance  from  his  hopes, 
had  he  not  luckily  got  tarred  and  feathered  for  some  of  his 
electioneering  manoeuvres ;— this  was  the  making  of  him ! — Let 
not  my  readers  stare ;— tarring  and  feathering  here  is  equal  to 
pillory  and  cropped  ears  in  English ;  and  either  of  these  kinds 
of  martyrdom  will  ensure  a  patriot  the  sympathy  and  support 
of  his  faction.  His  partizans,  for  even  he  had  his  partizans, 
took  his  case  into  consideration;— he  had  been  kicked  and 
cuffed,  and  disgraced,  and  dishonoured  in  the  cause ;— he  had 
licked  the  dust  at  the  feet  of  the  mob;— he  was  a  faithful 
drudge,  slow  to  anger,  of  invincible  patience,  of  incessant 
assiduity; — a  thorough-going  tool,  who  could  be  curbed,  and 
spurred,  and  directed  at  pleasure ;— in  short,  he  had  all  the  im- 
portant qualifications  for  a  little  great  man,  and  he  was  ac- 
cordingly ushered  into  office  amid  the  acclamations  of  the 
party.  The  leading  men  complimented  his  usefulness,  the 
multitude  his  republican  simplicity,  and  the  slang-whangers 
vouched  for  his  patriotism.  Since  his  elevation  he  has  dis- 
covered indubitable  signs  of  having  been  destined  for  a  great 
man.  His  nose  has  acquired  an  additional  elevation  of  several 
degrees,  so  that  now  he  appears  to  have  bidden  adieu  to  this 
world  and  to  have  set  his  thoughts  altogether  on  things  above; 
and  he  has  swelled  and  inflated  himself  to  such  a  degree,  that 
his  friends  are  under  apprehensions  that  he  will  one  day  01 
other  explode  and  blow  up  like  a  torpedo. 


SALMAGUNDI.  209 


NO.  XVI.-THURSDAY,  OCT.  15,  1807. 


STYLE,    AT    BALLSTON. 

BY  WILLIAM  WIZARD,   ESQ. 

NOTWITHSTANDING  Evergreen  has  never  been  abroad,  nor  had 
his  understanding  enlightened,  or  his  views  enlarged  by  that 
marvellous  sharpener  of  the  wits,  a  salt-water  voyage ;  yet  he 
is  tolerably  shrewd,  and  correct,  in  the  limited  sphere  of  his 
observations;  and  now  and  then  astounds  me  with  a  right 
pithy  remark,  which  would  do  no  discredit  even  to  a  man  who 
had  made  the  grand  tour. 

In  several  late  conversations  at  Cockloft-Hall,  he  has  amused 
us  exceedingly  by  detailing  sundry  particulars  concerning  that 
notorious  slaughter-house  of  tune,  Ballston  Springs ;  where  he 
spent  a  considerable  part  of  the  last  summer.  The  following 
is  a  summary  of  his  observations. 

Pleasure  has  passed  through  a  variety  of  significations  at 
Ballston.  It  originally  meant  nothing  more  than  a  relief  from 
pain  and  sickness ;  and  the  patient  who  had  journeyed  many 
a  weary  mile  to  the  Springs,  with  a  heavy  heart  and  emaciated 
form,  called  it  pleasure  when  he  threw  by  his  crutches,  and 
danced  away  from  them  with  renovated  spirits  and  limbs 
jocund  with  vigour.  In  process  of  time  pleasure  underwent  a 
refinement,  and  appeared  in  the  likeness  of  a  sober,  unceremo- 
nious country -dance,  to  the  flute  of  an  amateur  or  the  three- 
stringed  fiddle  of  an  itinerant  country  musician. — Still  every 
thing  bespoke  that  happy  holiday  which  the  spirits  ever  enjoy, 
when  emancipated  from  the  shackles  of  formality,  ceremony, 
and  modern  politeness :  things  went  on  cheerily,  and  Ballston 
was  pronounced  a  charming,  hum-drum,  careless  place  of  re- 
sort, where  every  one  was  at  his  ease,  and  might  follow  unmo- 
lested the  bent  of  his  humour— provided  his  wife  was  not  there ; 


210  SALMAGUNDI. 

— -when,  to  r  all  on  a  sudden  Style  made  its  baneful  appearance 
in  the  sembfance  of  a  gig  and  tandem,  a  pair  of  leather  breeches, 
a  liveried  footman,  and  a  cockney ! — since  that  fatal  era  pleas- 
ure has  taken  an  entire  new  signification,  and  at  present  means 
nothing  but  STYUS. 

The  worthy,  fashionable,  dashing,  good-for-nothing  people  of 
every  state,  who  had  rather  suffer  the  martyrdom  of  a  crowd 
than  endure  the  monotony  of  their  own  homes  and  the  stupid 
company  of  their  own  thoughts,  floes:  to  the  Springs ;  not  to  enjoy 
the  pleasures  of  society  or  benefit  by  the  qualities  of  the  waters, 
but  to  exhibit  their  equipages  and  wardrobes,  and  to  excite 
the  admiration,  or  what  is  much  more  satisfactory,  the  envy  of 
their  fashionable  competitors.  This,  of  course,  awakens  a  spirit 
of  noble  emulation  between  the  eastern,  middie,  and  southern 
states ;  and  every  lady  hereupon  finding  herserf  charged  in  a 
manner  with  the  whole  weight  of  her  country's  dignity  and 
style,  dresses  and  dashes  and  sparkles  without  mercy  at  her 
competitors  from  other  parts  of  the  Union.  This  kind  of  rival' 
ship  naturally  requires  a  vast  deal  of  preparation  and!  pro- 
digious quantities  of  supplies.  A  sober  citizen's  wife  wilt  break 
half  a  dozen  milliners'  shops,  and  sometimes  starve  her  family 
a  whole  season,  to  enable  herself  to  make  the  Springs  campaign 
in  style. — She  repairs  to  the  seat  of  war  with  a  mighty  force  ot 
trunks  and  bandboxes,  like  so  many  ammunition  chests,  nlled 
with  caps,  hats,  gowns,  ribands,  shawls,  and  all  the  various 
artillery  of  fashionable  warfare.  The  lady  of  a  southern  planter 
will  lay  out  the  whole  annual  produce  of  a  rice  plantation  in 
silver  and  gold  muslins,  lace  veils,  and  new  liveries ;  carry  a 
hogshead  of  tobacco  on  her  head,  and  trail  a  bale  of  sea-island 
cotton  at  her  heels,  while  a  lady  of  Boston  or  Salem  will  wrap 
herself  up  in  the  net  proceeds  of  a  cargo  of  whale-oil,  and  tie  on 
her  hat  with  a  quintal  of  codfish. 

The  planters'  ladies,  however,  have  generally  tfie  advantage 
in  this  contest ;  for,  as  it  is  an  incontestable  fact,  that  whoever 
comes  from  the  West  or  East  Indies,  or  Georgia,  or  the  Caro- 
linas,  or,  in  fact,  any  warm  climate,  is  immensely  rich,  it  can- 
not be  expected  that  a  simple  cit  of  the  north  can  cope  with 
them  in  style.  The  planter,  therefore,  who  drives  four  horses 
abroad  and  a  thousand  negroes  at  home,  and  who  flourishes  up 
to  the  Springs,  followed  by  half  a  score  of  black-a-moors  in 
gorgeous  liveries,  is  unquestionably  superior  to  the  northern 
merchant,  who  plods  on  in  a  carriage  and  pair;  which,  t>eing 
nothing  more  than  is  quite  necessary,  has  no  claim  whatever 


SALMAG  UNDL  211 

to  style.  He,  however,  has  his  consolation  in  feeling  superior 
to  the  honest  cit  who  dashes  about  in  a  simple  gig: — he,  in  re- 
turn, sneers  at  the  country  squire,  who  jogs  along  with  his 
scrubby,  long-eared  pony  and  saddle-bags ;  and  the  squire,  by 
way  of  taking  satisfaction,  would  make  no  scruple  to  run  over 
the  unobtrusive  pedestrian,  were  it  not  that  the  last  being  the 
most  independent  of  the  whole,  might  chance  to  break  his  head 
by  way  of  retort. 

The  great  misfortune  is,  that  this  style  is  supported  at  such 
an  expense  as  sometimes  to  encroach  on  the  rights  and  privi- 
leges of  the  pocket,  and  occasion  very  awkward  embarrass- 
ments to  the  tyro  of  fashion.  Among  a  number  of  instances, 
Evergreen  mentions  the  fate  of  a  dashing  blade  from  the  south, 
who  made  his  entree  with  a  tandem  and  two  out-riders,  by  the 
aid  of  which  he  attracted  the  attention  of  all  the  ladies,  and 
caused  a  coolness  between  several  young  couples,  who,  it  was 
thought,  before  his  arrival,  had  a  considerable  kindness  for 
each  other.  In  the  course  of  a  fortnight  his  tandem  disap- 
peared ! — the  class  of  good  folk  who  seem  to  have  nothing  to  do 
in  this  world  but  pry  into  other  people's  affairs,  began  to  stare  I 
— in  a  little  time  longer  an  outrider  was  missing ! — this  increased 
the  alarm,  and  it  was  consequently  whispered  that  he  had  eaten 
the  horses  and  drank  the  negro. — N.  B.  Southern  gentlemen 
are  very  apt  to  do  this  on  an  emergency.— Serious  apprehen- 
sions were  entertained  about  the  fate  of  the  remaining  servant, 
which  were  soon  verified  by  his  actually  vanishing;  and,  in 
"one  little  month,"  the  dashing  Carolinian  modestly  took  his 
departure  in  the  stage-coach! — universally  regretted  by  the 
friends  who  had  generously  released  bim  from  his  cumbrous 
load  of  style. 

Evergreen,  in  the  course  of  his  detail,  gave  very  melancholy- 
accounts  of  an  alarming  famine  which  raged  with  great  vio- 
lence at  the  Springs.  Whether  this  was  owing  to  the  incredi- 
ble appetites  of  the  company,  or  the  scarcity  which  prevailed 
at  the  inns,  he  did  not  seem  inclined  to  say ;  but  he  declares 
that  he  was  for  several  days  in  imminent  danger  of  starvation, 
owing  to  his  being  a  little  too  dilatory  in  his  attendance  at  the 
dinner-table.  He  relates  a  number  of  "moving  accidents" 
which  befell  many  of  the  polite  company  in  their  zeal  to  get  a 
good  seat  at  dinner;  on  which  occasion  a  kind  of  scrub-race 
always  took  place,  wherein  a  vast  deal  of  jockeying  and  unfair 
play  was  shown,  and  a  variety  of  squabbles  and  unseemly 
altercations  occurred.  But  when  arrived  at  the  scene  of  action, 


212  SALMAGUNDI. 

it  was  truly  an  awful  sight  to  behold  the  confusion,  and  to  hear 
the  tumultuous  uproar  of  voices  crying,  some  for  one  thing 
and  some  for  another,  to  the  tuneful  accompaniment  of  knives 
and  forks,  rattling  with  all  the  energy  of  hungry  impatience. 
—The  feast  of  the  Centaurs  and  the  Lapithse  was  nothing 
when  compared  with  a  dinner  at  the  great  house.  At  one  time 
(an  old  gentleman,  whose  natural  irascibility  was  a  little  sharp- 
ened by  the  gout,  had  scalded  his  throat  by  gobbling  down  a 
bowl  of  hot  soup  in  a  vast  hurry,  in  order  to  secure  the  first 
fruits  of  a  roasted  partridge  before  it  was  snapped  up  by  some 
hungry  rival;  when,  just  as  he  was  whetting  his  knife  and 
fork,  preparatory  for  a  descent  on  the  promised  land,  he  had 
the  mortification  to  see  it  transferred  bodily  to  the  plate  of  a 
squeamish  little  damsel  who  was  taking  the  waters  for  debility 
and  loss  of  appetite.  This  was  too  much  for  the  patience  of 
old  crusty ;  he  lodged  his  fork  into  the  partridge,  whipt  it  into 
his  dish,  and  cutting  off  a  wing  of  it, — "There,  Miss,  there's 
more  than  you  can  eat. — Oons !  what  should  such  a  little  chalky- 
faced  puppet  as  you  do  with  a  whole  partridge  1" — At  another 
time  a  mighty,  sweet-disposed  old  dowager,  who  loomed  most 
magnificently  at  the  table,  had  a  sauce-boat  launched  upon  the 
capacious  lap  of  a  silver-sprigged  muslin  gown  by  the  ma- 
ncevring  of  a  little  politic  Frenchman,  who  was  dexterously  at- 
tempting to  make  a  lodgment  under  the  covered  way  of  a 
chicken-pye; — human  nature  could  not  bear  it! — the  lady 
bounced  round,  and,  with  one  box  on  the  ear,  drove  the  luck- 
less wight  to  utter  annihilation. 

But  these  little  cross  accidents  are  amply  compensated  by 
the  great  variety  of  amusements  which  abound  at  this  charm- 
ing resort  of  beauty  and  fashion.  In  the  morning  the  com- 
pany, each  like  a  jolly  Bacchanalian  with  glass  in  hand,  sally 
forth  to  the  Springs:  where  the  gentlemen,  who  wish  to  make 
themselves  agreeable,  have  an  opportunity  of  dipping  them 
selves  into  the  good  opinion  of  the  ladies:  and  it  is  truly  de- 
lectable to  see  with  what  grace  and  adroitness  they  perform 
this  ingratiating  feat.  Anthony  says  that  it  is  peculiarly 
amazing  to  behold  the  quantity  of  water  the  ladies  drink  on 
this  occasion  for  the  purpose  of  getting  an  appetite  for  break- 
fast. He  assures  me  he  has  been  present  when  a  young  lady 
of  unparalleled  delicacy  tossed  oft'  in  the  space  of  a  minute  or 
two  one  and  twenty  tumblers  and  a  wine-glass  full.  On  my 
asking  Anthony  whether  the  solicitude  of  the  by-standers  was 
not  greatly  awakened  as  to  what  might  be  the  effects  of  this 


SALMAGUNDI.  213 

debauch,  he  replied  that  the  ladies  at  Ballston  had  become 
such  great  sticklers  for  the  doctrine  of  evaporation,  that  no 
gentleman  ever  ventured  to  remonstrate  against  this  excessive 
drinking  for  fear  of  bringing  his  philosophy  into  contempt. 
The  most  notorious  water-drinkers  in  particular  were  continu- 
ally holding  forth  on  the  surprising  aptitude  with  which  the 
Ballston  waters  evaporated ;  and  several  gentlemen,  who  had 
jhe  hardihood  to  question  this  female  philosophy,  were  held  in 
high  displeasure. 

After  breakfast  every  one  chooses  his  amusement ;— some 
take  a  ride  into  the  pine  woods  and  enjoy  the  varied  and  ro- 
mantic scenery  of  burnt  trees,  post  and  rail  fences,  pine  flats, 
potato  patches,  and  log  huts;— others  scramble  up  the  sur- 
rounding sand-hills,  that  look  like  the  abodes  of  a  gigantic  race 
of  ants ;— take  a  peep  at  the  other  sand-hills  beyond  them ; — 
and  then— come  down  again:  others,  who  are  romantic,  and 
sundry  young  ladies  insist  upon  being  so  whenever  they  visit 
the  Springs,  or  go  any  where  into  the  country,  stroll  along  the 
borders  of  a  little  swampy  brook  that  drags  itself  along  like 
an  Alexandrine ;  and  that  so  lazily  as  not  to  ma&e  a  single 
murmur; — watching  the  little  tadpoles  as  they  frolic,  right  flip- 
pantly, in  the  muddy  stream;  and  listening  to  the  inspiring 
melody  of  the  harmonious  frogs  that  croak  upon  its  borders. 
Some  play  at  billiards,  some  play  at  the  fiddle,  and  some — play 
the  fool;— the  latter  being  the  most  prevalent  amusement  at 
Ballston. 

These,  together  with  abundance  of  dancing,  and  a  prodigious 
deal  of  sleeping  of  afternoons,  make  up  the  variety  of  pleasures 
at  the  Springs; — a  delicious  life  of  alternate  lassitude  and 
fatigue ;  of  laborious  dissipation  and  listless  idleness ;  of  sleep- 
less nights,  and  days  spent  in  that  dozing  insensibility  which 
ever  succeeds  them.  Now  and  then,  indeed,  the  influenza,  the 
fever-and-ague,  or  some  such  pale-faced  intruder,  may  happen 
to  throw  a  momentary  damp  on  the  general  felicity ;  but  on 
the  whole,  Evergreen  declares  that  Ballston  wants  only  six 
things,  to  wit:  good  air,  good  wine,  good  living,  good  beds, 
good  company,  and  good  humour,  to  be  the  most  enchanting 

place  in  the  world ; excepting  Botany-bay,  Musquito  Cove, 

Dismal  Swamp,  and  the  Black-hole  at  Calcutta. 


214  SALMAGUNDI. 

THE  following  letter  from  the  sage  Mustapha  has  cost  us 
more  trouble  to  decypher  and  render  into  tolerable  English 
than  any  hitherto  published.  It  was  full  of  blots  and  erasures, 
particularly  the  latter  part,  which  we  have  no  doubt  was 
penned  in  a  moment  of  great  wrath  and  indignation.  Mus- 
tapha has  often  a  rambling  mode  of  writing,  and  his  thoughts 
Cake  such  unaccountable  turns  that  it  is  difficult  to  tell  one 
moment  where  he  will  lead  you  the  next.  This  is  particularly 
obvious  in  the  commencement  of  his  letters,  which  seldorq 
bear  much  analogy  to  the  subsequent  parts ; — he  sets  off  witlv 
a  nourish,  like  a  dramatic  hero, — assumes  an  air  of  great  pom- 
posity,  and  struts  up  to  his  subject  mounted  most  loftily  on 
Itilts.  L.  LANGSTAFF. 


LETTER  FROM  MUSTAPHA  RUB-A-DUB  KELI  KHAN, 

«0  ASEM    HACCHEM,    PRINCIPAL    SLAVE-DRIVER    TO   HIS  HIGHNESS 
THE  BASHAW  OF  TRIPOLI. 

AMONG  the  variety  of  principles  by  which  mankind  are 
actuated,  there  is  one,  my  dear  Asem,  which  I  scarcely  know 
whether  to  consider  as  springing  from  grandeur  and  nobility 
of  mind,  or  from  a  refined  species  of  vanity  and  egotism.  It  is 
that  singular,  although  almost  universal,  desire  of  living  in  the 
memory  of  posterity ;  of  occupying  a  share  of  the  world's  at- 
tention when  we  shall  long  since  have  ceased  to  be  susceptible 
either  of  its  praise  or  censure.  Most  of  the  passions  of  the 
mind  are  bounded  by  the  grave ; — sometimes,  indeed,  an  anx- 
ious hope  or  trembling  fear  will  venture  beyond  the  clouds 
and  darkness  that  rest  upon  our  mortal  horizon,  and  expatiate 
In  boundless  futurity ;  but  it  is  only  this  active  love  of  fame 
which  steadily  contemplates  its  fruition  in  the  applause  or 
gratitude  of  future  ages.  Indignant  at  the  narrow  limits  which 
circumscribe  existence,  ambition  is  for  ever  struggling  to  soar 
beyond  them ; — to  triumph  over  space  and  time,  and  to  bear  a 
name,  at  least,  above  the  inevitable  oblivion  in  which  every 
thing  else  that  concerns  us  must  be  involved.  It  is  this,  my 
friend,  which  prompts  the  patriot  to  his  most  heroic  achieve- 
ments ;  which  inspires  the  sublimest  strains  of  the  poet,  and 
breathes  ethereal  fire  into  the  productions  of  the  painter  and 
the  statuary. 


8 ALMA  0  UNDL  215 

For  this  the  monarch  rears  the  lofty  column;  the  laurelled 
conqueror  claims  the  triumphal  arch;  while  the  obscure  indi- 
vidual, who  moved  in  an  humbler  sphere,  asks  but  a  plain 
and  simple  stone  to  mark  his  grave  and  bear  to  tke  next  gen- 
eration this  important  truth,  that  he  was  born,  died — and  was 
buried.  It  was  this  passion  which  once  erected  the  vast  Nu~ 
midian  piles,  whose  ruins  we  have  so  often  regarded  with  won- 
der, as  the  shades  of  evening— fit  emblems  of  oblivion— gradu- 
ally stole  over  and  enveloped  them  in  darkness. — It  was  this 
which  gave  being  to  those  sublime  monuments  of  Saracen  mag- 
nificence, which  nod  in  mouldering  desolation,  as  the  blast 

sweeps  over  our  deserted  plains. How  futile  are  all  our 

efforts  to  evade  the  obliterating  hand  of  time !  As  I  traversed 
the  dreary  wastes  of  Egypt,  on  my  journey  to  Grand  Cairo,  I 
stepped  my  camel  for  a  while  and  contemplated,  in  awful  ad- 
miration, the  stupendous  pyramids.— An  appalling  silence  pre- 
vailed around;  such  as  reigns  in  the  wilderness  when  the 
tempest  is  hushed  and  the  beasts  of  prey  have  retired  to  their 
dens.  The  myriads  that  had  once  been  employed  in  rearing 
these  lofty  mementoes  of  human  vanity,  whose  busy  hum  once 
enlivened  the  solitude  of  the  desert, — had  all  been  swept  from 
the  earth  by  the  irresistible  arm  of  death ;— all  were  mingled 
with  their  native  dust ; — all  were  forgotten !  Even  the  mighty 
'names  which  these  sepulchres  were  designed  to  perpetuate  had 
Jong  since  faded  from  remembrance;  history  and  tradition 
Afforded  but  vague  conjectures,  and  the  pyramids  imparted  a 

humiliating  lesson  to  the  candidate  for  immortality. Alas! 

04as!  said  I  to  myself,  how  mutable  are  the  foundations  on 
which  our  proudest  hopes  of  future  fame  are  reposed !  He  who 
imagines  he  has  secured  to  himself  the  meed  of  deathless  re- 
nown, indulges  in  deluding  visions,  which  only  bespeak  the 
Vanity  of  the  dreamer.  The  storied  obelisk, — the  triumphal 
arch, — the  swelling  dome,  shall  crumble  into  dust,  and  the 
names  they  would  preserve  from  oblivion  shall  often  pass  away 
before  their  own  duration  is  accomplished. 

Yet  this  passion  for  fame,  however  ridiculous  in  the  eye  of 
the  philosopher,  deserves  respect  and  consideration,  from  hav- 
ing been  the  source  of  so  many  illustrious  actions ;  and  hence 
it  has  been  the  practice  in  all  enlightened  governments  to  per- 
petuate, by  monuments,  the  memory  of  great  men,  as  a  testi- 
mony of  respect  for  the  illustrious  dead,  and  to  awaken  in  the 
bosoms  of  posterity  an  emulation  to  merit  the  same  honourable 
distinction.  The  people  of  the  American  logocracy,  who  pride 


216  SALMAGUNDI. 

themselves  upon  improving  on  every  precept  or  example  of 
ancient  or  modern  governments,  have  discovered  a  new  mode 
of  exciting  this  love  of  glory ;  a  mode  by  which  they  do  honour 
to  their  great  men,  even  in  their  lifetime ! 

Thou  must  have  observed  by  this  time  that  they  manage 
every  thing  in  a  manner  peculiar  to  themselves ;  and  doubtless 
in  the  best  possible  manner,  seeing  they  have  denominated 
themselves  "the  most  enlightened  people  under  the  sun." 
Thou  wilt  therefore,  perhaps,  be  curious  to  know  how  they 
contrive  to  honour  the  name  of  a  living  patriot,  and  what  un- 
heard-of monument  they  erect  in  memory  of  his  achievements. 
— By  the  fiery  beard  of  the  mighty  Barbarossa,  but  I  can 
scarcely  preserve  the  sobriety  of  a  true  disciple  of  Mahomet 
while  I  tell  thee ! — wilt  thou  not  smile,  O  Mussulman  of  invin- 
cible gravity,  to  learn  that  they  honour  their  great  men  by 
eating,  and  that  the  only  trophy  erected  to  their  exploits  is  a 
public  dinner!  But,  trust  me,  Asem,  even  in  this  measure, 
whimsical  as  it  may  seem,  the  philosophic  and  considerate 
spirit  of  this  people  is  admirably  displayed.  Wisely  conclud- 
ing that  when  the  hero  is  dead  he  becomes  insensible  to  the 
voice  of  fame,  the  song  of  adulation,  or  the  splendid  trophy, 
they  have  determined  that  he  shall  enjoy  his  quantum  of  celeb- 
rity while  living,  and  revel  in  the  full  enjoyment  of  a  nine- 
days'  immortality.  The  barbarous  nations  of  antiquity  im- 
molated human  victims  to  the  memory  of  their  lamented  dead, 
but  the  enlightened  Americans  offer  up  whole  hecatombs  of 
geese  and  calves,  and  oceans  of  wine,  in  honour  of  the  illustri- 
ous living;  and  the  patriot  has  the  felicity  of  hearing  from 
every  quarter  the  vast  exploits  in  gluttony  and  revelling  that 
have  been  celebrated  to  the  glory  of  his  name. 

No  sooner  does  a  citizen  signalize  himself  in  a  conspicuous 
manner  in  the  service  of  his  country,  than  all  the  gormandi- 
zers assemble  and  discharge  the  national  debt  of  gratitude — 
by  giving  him  a  dinner; — not  that  he  really  receives  all  *&o 
luxuries  provided  on  this  occasion; — no,  my  friend,  it  is  ten 
chances  to  one  that  the  great  man  does  not  taste  a  morsel  from 
the  table,  and  is,  perhaps,  five  hundred  miles  distant ;  and,  to 
let  thee  into  a  melancholy  fact,  a  patriot  under  this  economic 
government,  may  be  often  in  want  of  a  dinner,  while  dozens 
are  devoured  in  his  praise.  Neither  are  these  repasts  spread 
out  for  the  hungry  and  necessitous,  who  might  otherwise  be 
filled  with  food  and  gladness,  and  inspired  to  shout  forth  the 
illustrious  name,  which  had  been  the  means  of  theifr  enjoy- 


8 ALMA  G  UNDL  217 

ment ; — far  from  this,  Asem ;  it  is  the  rich  only  who  indulge 
in  the  banquet-— those  who  pay  for  the  dainties  are  alone 
privileged  to  enjoy  them;  so  that,  while  opening  their  purses 
in  honour  of  the  patriot,  they  at  the  same  time  fulfil  a  great 
maxim,  which  in  this  country  comprehends  all  the  rules  of 
prudence,  and  all  the  duties  a  man  owes  to  himself ;— namely, 
getting  the  worth  of  their  money. 

In  process  of  time  this  mode  of  testifying  public  applause 
has  been  found  so  marvellously  agreeable,  that  they  extend  it 
to  events  as  well  as  characters,  and  eat  in  triumph  at  the  news 
of  a  treaty,— at  the  anniversary  of  any  grand  national  era,  or 
at  the  gaining  of  that  splendid  victory  of  the  tongue— an 
election. — Nay,  so  far  do  they  carry  it,  that  certain  days  are 
set  apart  when  the  guzzlers,  the  gormandizers,  and  the  wine- 
bibbers  meet  together  to  celebrate  a  grand  indigestion,  in 
memory  of  some  great  event ;  and  every  man  in  the  zeal  of 
patriotism  gets  devoutly  drunk — "as  the  act  directs.""  Then, 
my  friend,  mayest  thou  behold  the  sublime  spectacle  of  love 
of  country,  elevating  itself  from  a  sentiment  into  an  appetite, 
whetted  to  the  quick  with  the  cheering  prospect  of  tables 
loaded  with  the  fat  things  of  the  land.  On  this  occasion  every 
man  is  anxious  to  fall  to  work,  cram  himself  in  honour  of  the 
day,  and  risk  a  surfeit  in  the  glorious  cause.  Some,  I  have 
been  told,  actually  fast  for  four  and  twenty  hours  preceding, 
that  they  may  be  enabled  to  do  greater  honour  to  the  feast ; 
and  certainly,  if  eating  and  drinking  are  patriotic  rites,  he  who 
eats  and  drinks  most,  and  proves  himself  the  greatest  glutton, 
is,  undoubtedly,  the  most  distinguished  patriot.  Such,  at  any 
rate,  seems  to  be  the  opinion  here,  and  they  act  up  to  it  so 
rigidly,  that  by  the  time  it  is  dark,  every  kennel  in  the  neigh- 
bourhood teams  with  illustrious  members  of  the  sovereign 
people,  wallowing  in  their  congenial  element  of  mud  and  mire. 

These  patriotic  feasts,  or  rather  national  monuments,  are 
patronized  and  promoted  by  certain  inferior  cadis,  called  AL- 
DERMEN, who  are  commonly  complimented  with  their  direc- 
tion. These  dignitaries,  as  far  as  I  can  learn,  are  generally 
appointed  on  account  of  then-  great  talents  for  eating,  a  quali- 
fication peculiarly  necessary  in  the  discharge  of  their  official 
duties.  They  hold  frequent  meetings  at  taverns  and  hotels, 
where  they  enter  into  solemn  consultations  for  the  benefit  of 
lobsters  and  turtles ; — establish  wholesome  regulations  for  the 
safety  and  preservation  of  fish  and  wild-fowl; — appoint  the 
seasons  most  proper  for  eating  oysters ;— inquire  into  the 


218  SALMAGUNDI. 

economy  of  taverns,  the  characters  of  publicans,  and  the 
abilities  of  their  cooks ;  and  discuss,  most  learnedly,  the  merits 
of  a  bowl  of  soup,  a  chicken-pye,  or  a  haunch  of  venison:  in  a 
word,  the  alderman  has  absolute  control  in  all  matters  of  eat- 
ing, and  superintends  the  whole  police — of  the  belly.  Having, 
in  the  prosecution  of  their  important  office,  signalized  them- 
selves at  so  many  public  festivals ;  having  gorged  so  often  on 
patriotism  and  pudding,  and  entombed  so  many  great  names- 
in  their  extensive  maws,  thou  wilt  easily  conceive  that  they 
wax  portly  apace,  that  they  fatten  on  the  fame  of  mighty 
men,  and  that  their  rotundity,  like  the  rivers,  the  lakes,  and 
the  mountains  of  their  country,  must  be  on  a  great  scale  1  Even, 
so,  my  friend ;  and  when  I  sometimes  see  a  portly  alderman, 
puffing  along,  and  swelling  as  if  he  had  the  world  under  his 
waistcoat,  I  cannot  help  looking  upon  him  as  a  walking  monu- 
ment, and  am  often  ready  to  exclaim — "  Tell  me,  thou  majes 
tic  mortal,  thou  breathing  catacomb! — to  what  illustrious 
character,  what  mighty  event,  does  that  capacious  carcass  of 
thine  bear  testimony?" 

But  though  the  enlightened  citizens  of  this  logocracy  eat  in 
honour  of  their  friends,  yet  they  drink  destruction  to  their 
enemies. — Yea,  Asem,  wo  unto  those  who  are  doomed  to 
undergo  the  public  vengeance,  at  a  public  dinner.  No  sooner 
are  the  viands  removed,  than  they  prepare  for  merciless  and 
exterminating  hostilities.  They  drink  the  intoxicating  juice 
of  the  grape,  out  of  little  glass  cups,  and  over  each  draught 
oronounce  a  short  sentence  or  prayer; — not  such  a  prayer  as 
thy  virtuous  heart  would  dictate,  thy  pious  lips  give  utterance 
to,  my  good  Asem; — not  a  tribute  of  thanks  to  all  bountiful 
Allah,  nor  a  humble  supplication  for  his  blessing  on  the 
draught ;— no,  my  friend,  it  is  merely  a  toast,  that  is  to  say,  a 
fulsome  tribute  of  flattery  to  their  demagogues; — a  laboured 
sally  of  affected  sentiment  or  national  egotism;  or,  what  is 
more  despicable,  a  malediction  on  their  enemies,  an  empty 
threat  of  vengeance,  or  a  petition  for  their  destruction;  for 
toasts,  thou  must  know,  are  another  kind  of  missive  weapon 
in  a  logocracy,  and  are  levelled  from  afar,  like  the  annoying 
arrows  of  the  Tartars. 

Oh,  Asem !  couldst  thou  but  witness  one  of  these  patriotic, 
these  monumental  dinners ;  how  furiously  the  flame  of  patriot- 
ism blazes  forth;— how  suddenly  they  vanquish  armies,  sub- 
jugate whole  countries,  and  exterminate  nations  in  a  bumper, 
thou  wouldst  more  than  ever  admire  the  force  of  that  omnipo' 


SALMAGUNDI.  219 

tent  weapon,  the  tongue.  At  these  moments  every  coward 
becomes  a  hero,  every  ragamuffin  an  invincible  warrior ;  and 
the  most  zealous  votaries  of  peace  and  quiet,  forget,  for  a 
while,  their  cherished  maxims,  and  join  in  the  furious  attack. 
Toast  succeeds  toast ; — kings,  emperors,  bashaws,  are  like  chaff 
before  the  tempest ;  the  inspired  patriot  vanquishes  fleets  with 
a  single  gun-boat,  and  swallows  down  navies  at  a  draught, 
until,  overpowered  with  victory  and  wine,  he  sinks  upon  the 
field  of  battle — dead  drunk  in  his  country's  cause. — Sword  of 
the  puissant  KhalidI  what  a  display  of  valour  is  here! — the 
sons  of  Afric  are  hardy,  brave,  and  enterprising,  but  they  can 
achieve  nothing  like  this. 

Happy  would  it  be  if  this  mania  for  toasting  extended  no 
further  than  to  the  expression  of  national  resentment.  Though 
we  might  smile  at  the  impotent  vapouring  and  windy  hyper- 
bole, by  which  it  is  distinguished,  yet  we  would  excuse  it,  as 
the  unguarded  overflowings  of  a  heart  glowing  with  national 
injuries,  and  indignant  at  the  insults  offered  to  its  country. 
But  alas,  my  friend,  private  resentment,  individual  hatred, 
and  the  illiberal  spirit  of  party,  are  let  loose  on  these  festive 
occasions.  Even  the  names  of  individuals,  of  unoffending 
fellow-citizens,  are  sometimes  dragged  forth  to  undergo  the 
slanders  and  execrations  of  a  distempered  herd  of  revellers.*— 
Head  of  Mahomet !  how  vindictive,  how  insatiably  vindictive 
must  be  that  spirit  which  can  drug  the  mantling  bowl  with 
gall  and  bitterness,  and  indulge  an  angry  passion  in  the 
moment  of  rejoicing! — "Wine,"  says  their  poet,  "is  like  sun- 
shine to  the  heart,  which  under  its  generous  influence  expands 
the  good- will,  and  becomes  the  very  temple  of  philanthropy." 
— Strange,  that  in  a  temple  consecrated  to  such  a  divinity,  there 
should  remain  a  secret  corner,  polluted  by  the  lurkings  of 
.malice  and  revenge ;  strange,  that  in  the  fuH  flow  of  social  en- 
j  oyment,  these  votaries  of  pleasure  can  turn  aside  to  call  down 
Lurses  on  the  head  of  a  fellow-creature.  Despicable  souls!  ye 

NOTE  BY  WILLIAM  WIZARD,  ESQ. 

*  It  would  seem  that  in  this  sentence,  the  Sage  Mustapha  had  reference  to  a 
patriotic  dinner,  celebrated  last  fourth  of  July,  by  some  gentlemen  ot  Baltimore, 
when  they  righteously  drank  perdition  to  an  unoffending  individual,  and  really 
thought  "  they  had  done  the  state  some  service."  This  amiable  custom  of  "  eating 
and  drinking  damnation"  to  others,  is  not  confined  to  any  party:— for  a  month  or 
two  after  the  fourth  of  July,  the  different  newspapers  file  off  their  columns  of 
patriotic  toasts  against  each  other,  and  take  a  pride  in  showing  how  brilliantly 
their  partizans  can  blackguard  public  characters  in  their  cups—"  they  do  but  jest- 
poison  in  jest,''  as  Hamlet  says, 


§20  SALMAGUNDI. 

are  unworthy  of  being  citizens  of  this  "most  enlightened 
country  under  the  sun:"— rather  herd  with  the  murderous 
savages  who  prowl  the  mountains  of  Tibesti ;  who  stain  their 
midnight  orgies  with  the  blood  of  the  innocent  wanderer,  and 
drink  their  infernal  potations  from  the  skulls  of  the  victims 
they  have  massacred. 

And  yet,  trust  me,  Asem,  this  spirit  of  vindictive  cowardice 
is  not  owing  to  any  inherent  depravity  of  soul,  for,  on  other 
occasions,  I  have  had  ample  proof  that  this  nation  is  mild  and 
merciful,  brave  and  magnanimous ;— neither  is  it  owing  to  any 
defect  in  their  political  or  religious  precepts.  The  principles 
inculcated  by  their  rulers,  on  all  occasions,  breathe  a  spirit  of 
universal  philanthropy ;  and  as  to  their  religion,  much  as  I  am 
devoted  to  the  Koran  of  our  divine  prophet,  still  I  cannot  but 
acknowledge  with  admiration  the  mild  forbearance,  the  amia- 
ble benevolence,  the  sublime  morality  bequeathed  them  by  the 
founder  of  their  faith. — Thou  rememberest  the  doctrines  of  the 
mild  Nazarine,  who  preached  peace  and  good-will  to  all  man- 
kind; who,  when  he  was  reviled,  reviled  not  again;  who 
blessed  those  who  cursed  him,  and  prayed  for  those  who  de- 
spitefully  used  and  persecuted  him !  What,  then,  can  give  rise 
to  this  uncharitable,  this  inhuman  custom  among  the  disciple? 
of  a  master  so  gentle  and  forgiving?— It  is  that  fiend  POLITICS, 
Asem — that  baneful  fiend,  which  bewildereth  every  brain,  and 
poisons  every  social  feeling;  which  intrudes  itself  at  the  fes- 
tive banquet,  and,  like  the  detestable  harpy,  pollutes  the 
very  viands  of  the  table;  which  contaminates  the  refreshing 
draught  while  it  is  inhaled;  which  prompts  the  cowardly 
assassin  to  launch  his  poisoned  arrows  from  behind  the  social 
board ;  and  which  renders  the  bottle,  that  boasted  promoter  of 
good  fellowship  and  hilarity,  an  infernal  engine,  charged  with 
direful  combustion. 

I  Oh,  Asem!  Asem!  how  does  my  heart  sicken  when  I  con- 
template these  cowardly  barbarities?  Let  me,  therefore,  if 
possible,  withdraw  my  attention  from  them  for  ever.  My 
feelings  have  borne  me  from  my  subject ;  and  from  the  monu- 
ments of  ancient  greatness,  I  have  wandered  to  those  of  modern 
degradation.  My  warmest  wishes  remain  with  thee,  thou 
most  illustrious  of  slave-drivers ;  mayest  thou  ever  be  sensible 
of  the  mercies  of  our  great  prophet,  who,  in  compassion  to 
human  imbecility,  has  prohibited  his  disciples  from  the  use  of 
the  deluding  beverage  of  the  grape ; — that  enemy  to  reason- 
that  promoter  of  defamation — that  auxiliary  of  POLITICS. 

fiver  tie***.  MUSTAPHA. 


SALMAGUNDI.  221 


NO.  XVII. -WEDNESDAY,  NOV.  11,  1807. 


AUTUMNAL    REFLECTIONS. 

BY  LAUNCELOT  LANGSTAFF,   ESQ. 

WHEN  a  man  is  quietly  journeying  downwards  into  the  val- 
ley of  the  shadow  of  departed  youth,  and  begins  to  contem- 
plate, in  a  shortened  perspective,  the  end  of  his  pilgrimage,  he 
becomes  more  solicitous  than  ever  that  the  remainder  of  his 
wayfaring  should  he  smooth  and  pleasant ;  and  the  evening  of 
his  life,  like  the  evening  of  a  summer's  day,  fade  away  in  mild 
uninterrupted  serenity.  If  haply  his  heart  has  escaped  unin- 
jured through  the  dangers  of  a  seductive  world,  it  may  then 
administer  to  the  purest  of  his  felicities,  and  its  chords  vibrate 
more  musically  for  the  trials  they  have  sustained; — like  the 
viol,  which  yields  a  melody  sweet  in  proportion  to  its  age. 

To  a  mind  thus  temperately  harmonized,  thus  matured  and 
mellowed  by  a  long  lapse  of  years,  there  is  something  truly 
congenial  in  the  quiet  enjoyment  of  our  early  autumn,  amid 
the  tranquillities  of  the  country.  There  is  a  sober  and  chas- 
tened air  of  gayety  diffused  over  the  face  of  nature,  peculiarly 
interesting  to  an  old  man ;  and  when  he  views  the  surrounding 
landscape  withering  under  his  eye,  it  seems  as  if  he  and  nature 
tfere  taking  a  last  farewell  of  each  other,  and  parting  with  a 
melancholy  smile;  like  a  couple  of  old  friends,  who  having 
sported  away  the  spring  and  summer  of  life  together,  part  at 
the  approach  of  winter  with  a  kind  of  prophetic  fear  that  they 
are  never  to  meet  again. 

It  is  either  my  good  fortune  or  mishap  to  be  keenly  suscepti- 
ble to  the  influence  of  the  atmosphere ;  and  I  can  feel  in  the 
morning,  before  I  open  my  window,  whether  the  wind  is  east- 
erly. It  will  not,  theretore,  I  presume,  be  considered  an  ex- 
ravagant  instance  of  vain-glory  when  I  assert  that  there  are 


222  SALMAGUNDI. 

few  men  who  can  discriminate  more  accurately  in  the  different 
varieties  of  damps,  fogs,  Scotch-mists,  and  north-east  storms, 
than  myself.  To  the  great  discredit  of  my  philosophy  I  con- 
fess I  seldom  fail  to  anathematize  and  excommunicate  the 
weather,  when  it  sports  too  rudely  with  my  sensitive  system ; 
but  then  I  always  endeavour  to  atone  therefor,  by  eulogizing 
it  when  deserving  of  approbation.  And  as  most  of  my  readers 
—simple  folks !  make  but  one  distinction,  to- wit,  rain  and  sun 
shine; — living  in  most  honest  ignorance  of  the  various  nice 
shades  which  distinguish  one  fine  day  from  another,  I  take  the 
trouble,  from  time  to  time,  of  letting  them  into  some  of  the 
secrets  of  nature ; — so  will  they  be  the  better  enabled  to  enjoy 
her  beauties,  with  the  zest  of  connoisseurs,  and  derive  at  least 
as  much  information  from  my  pages,  as  from  the  weather- 
wise  bore  of  the  almanac. 

Much  of  my  recreation  since  I  retreated  to  the  Hall,  has 
consisted  in  making  little  excursions  through  the  neighbour 
hood;  which  abounds  in  the  variety  of  wild,  romantic,  and 
luxuriant  landscape  that  generally  characterizes  the  scenery  in 
the  vicinity  of  our  rivers.  There  is  not  an  eminence  within  a 
circuit  of  many  miles  but  commands  an  extensive  range  of 
diversified  and  enchanting  prospect. 

Often  have  I  rambled  to  the  summit  of  some  favourite  hill ; 
and  thence,  with  feelings  sweetly  tranquil  as  the  lucid  expanse 
of  the  heavens  that  canopied  me,  have  noted  the  slow  and 
almost  imperceptible  changes  that  mark  the  waning  year. 
There  are  many  features  peculiar  to  our  autumn,  and  which 
give  it  an  individual  character.  The  ' '  green  and  yellow  mel- 
ancholy" that  first  steals  over  the  landscape; — the  mild  and 
steady  serenity  of  the  weather,  and  the  transparent  purity  of 
the  atmosphere,  speak,  not  merely  to  the  senses,  but  the  heart; 
—it  is  the  season  of  liberal  emotions.  To  this  suceeeds  fantas- 
tic gayety,  a  motley  dress,  which  the  woods  assume,  where 
green  and  yellow,  orange,  purple,  crimson,  and  scarlet,  are 
whimsically  blended  together.  A  sickly  splendour  this !—  like 
the  wild  and  broken-hearted  gayety  that  sometimes  precedes 
dissolution; — or  that  childish  sportiveness  of  superannuated 
age,  proceeding,  not  from  a  vigorous  flow  of  animal  spirits, 
but  from  the  decay  and  imbecility  of  the  mind.  We  might, 
perhaps,  be  deceived  by  this  gaudy  garb  of  nature,  were  it  not 
for  the  rustling  of  the  falling  leaf,  which,  breaking  on  the 
jtillness  of  the  scene,  seems  to  announce,  in  prophetic  whis- 
pers, the  dreary  winte*  that  is  approaching.  When  I  hav» 


SALMAGUNDI.  223 

sometimes  seen  a  thrifty  young  oak  changing  its  hue  of  sturdy 
•vigour  for  a  bright,  but  transient,  glow  of  red,  it  has  recalled 
to  my  mind  the  treacherous  bloom  that  once  mantled  the 
cheek  of  a  friend  who  is  now  no  more;  and  which,  while  it 
seemed  to  promise  a  long  life  of  jocund  spirits,  was  the  sure 
precursor  of  premature  decay.  In  a  little  while  and  this 
ostentatious  foliage  disappears ;  the  close  of  autumn  leaves  but 
one  wide  expanse  of  dusky  brown ;  save  where  some  rivulet 
steals  along,  bordered  with  little  strips  of  green  grass; — the 
woodland  echoes  no  more  to  the  carols  of  the  feathered  tribes 
that  sported  in  the  leafy  covert,  and  its  solitude  and  silence  is 
uninterrupted,  except  by  the  plaintive  whistle  of  the  quail, 
the  barking  of  the  squirrel,  or  the  still  more  melancholy  win- 
try wind,  which,  rushing  and  swelling  through  the  hollows  of 
the  mountains,  sighs  through  the  leafless  branches  of  the 
grove,  and  seems  to  mourn  the  desolation  of  the  year. 

To  one  who,  like  myself,  is  fond  of  drawing  comparisons 
between  the  different  divisions  of  lif e,  and  those  of  the  seasons, 
there  will  appear  a  striking  analogy  which  connects  the  feel 
ings  of  the  aged  with  the  decline  of  the  year.  Often  as  I  con- 
template the  mild,  uniform,  and  genial  lustre  with  which  the 
sun  cheers  and  invigorates  us  in  the  month  of  October,  and 
the  almost  imperceptible  haze  which,  without  obscuring,  tem- 
pers all  the  asperities  of  the  landscape,  and  gives  to  every 
object  a  character  of  stillness  and  repose,  I  cannot  help  com- 
paring it  with  that  portion  of  existence,  when  the  spring  of 
youthful  hope,  and  the  summer  of  the  passions  having  gone 
by,  reason  assumes  an  undisputed  sway,  and  lights  us  on  with 
bright  but  undazzling  lustre  adown  the  hill  of  life.  There  is  a 
full  and  mature  luxuriance  in  the  fields  that  fills  the  bosom 
with  generous  and  disinterested  content.  It  is  not  the  thought- 
less extravagance  of  spring,  prodigal  only  in  blossoms,  nor  the 
languid  voluptuousness  of  summer,  feverish  in  its  enjoyments, 
and  teeming  only  with  immature  abundance ; — it  is  that  cer- 
tain fruition  of  the  labours  of  the  past— that  prospect  of  com- 
fortable realities,  which  those  will  be  sure  to  enjoy  who  have 
improved  the  bounteous  smiles  of  heaven,  nor  wasted  away 
their  spring  and  summer  in  empty  trifling  or  criminal  indul- 
gence. 

Cousin  Pindar,  who  is  my  constant  companion  in  these  ex- 
peditions, and  who  still  possesses  much  of  the  fire  and  energy  of 
youthful  sentiment,  and  a  buxom  hilarity  of  the  spirits,  often, 
indeed,  draws  me  from  these  half-melancholy  reveries,  and 


224  SALMAGUNDI. 

makes  me  feel  young  again  by  the  enthusiasm  with  which  he 
contemplates,  and  the  animation  with  which  he  eulogizes  the 
beauties  of  nature  displayed  before  him.  His  enthusiastic  dis- 
position never  allows  him  to  enjoy  things  by  halves,  and  his 
feelings  are  continually  breaking  out  in  notes  of  admiration 
and  ejaculations  that  sober  reason  might  perhaps  deem  ex- 
travagant : — But  for  my  part,  when  I  see  a  hale,  hearty  old 
man,  who  has  jostled  through  the  rough  path  of  the  world, 
without  having  worn  away  the  fine  edge  of  his  feelings,  or 
blunted  his  sensibility  to  natural  and  moral  beauty,  I  compare 
him  to  the  ever-green  of  the  forest,  whose  colours,  instead  of 
fading  at  the  approach  of  winter,  seem  to  assume  additional 
lustre  when  contrasted  with  the  surrounding  desolation ; — such 
a  man  is  my  friend  Pindar ; — yet  sometimes,  and  particularly  at 
the  approach  of  evening,  even  he  will  fall  in  with  my  humour ; 
but  he  soon  recovers  his  natural  tone  of  spirits :  and,  mount- 
ing on  the  elasticity  of  his  mind,  like  Ganymede  on  the  eagle's 
wing,  he  soars  to  the  ethereal  regions  of  sunshine  and  fancy. 

One  afternoon  we  had  strolled  to  the  top  of  a  high  hill  in  the 
neighbourhood  of  the  Hall,  which  commands  an  almost  bound- 
less prospect ;  and  as  the  shadows  began  to  lengthen  around  us, 
and  the  distant  mountains  to  fade  into  mists,  my  cousin  was 
seized  with  a  moralizing  fit.  "It  seems  to  me,"  said  he,  laying 
his  hand  lightly  on  my  shoulder,  "that  there  is  just  at  this 
season,  and  this  hour,  a  sympathy  between  us  and  the  world 
we  are  now  contemplating.  The  evening  is  stealing  upon 
nature  as  well  as  upon  us ; — the  shadows  of  the  opening  day 
have  given  place  to  those  of  its  close ;  and  the  only  difference 
is,  that  in  the  morning  they  were  before  us,  now  they  are  be- 
hind; and  that  the  first  vanished  in  the  splendours  of  noon- 
day, the  latter  will  be  lost  in  the  oblivion  of  night ; — our  '  May 
of  life,'  my  dear  Launce,  has  for  ever  fled;  and  our  summer  is 

'over  and  gone: but,"  continued  he,  suddenly  recovering 

himself  and  slapping  me  gaily  on  the  shoulder, — "but  why 
should  we  repine? — what?  though  the  capricious  zephyrs  of 
spring,  the  heats  and  hurricanes  of  summer,  have  given  place 
to  the  sober  sunshine  of  autumn ! — and  though  the  woods  begin 
to  assume  the  dappled  livery  of  decay! — yet  the  prevailing 
colour  is  still  green : — gay,  sprightly  green. 

"Let  us,  then,  comfort  ourselves  with  this  reflection;  that 
though  the  shades  of  the  morning  have  given  place  to  those  of 
the  evening, — though  the  spring  is  past,  the  summer  over,  and 
the  autumn  come,— still  you  and  I  go  on  our  way  rejoicing;— 


SALMAGUNDI.  225 

and  while,  like  the  lofty  mountains  of  our  southern  America, 
our  heads  are  covered  with  snow,  still,  like  them,  we  feel 
the  genial  warmth  of  spring  and  summer  playing  upon  our 
bosoms." 


BY  LAUNCELOT  LANGSTAFF,   ESQ. 

IN  the  description  which  I  gave,  some  time  since,  of  Cockloft- 
hall,  I  totally  forgot  to  make  honourable  mention  of  the  library; 
which  I  confess  was  a  most  inexcusable  oversight ;  for  in  truth 
it  would  bear  a  comparison,  in  point  of  usefulness  and  eccen- 
tricity, with  the  motley  collection  of  the  renowned  hero  of  La 
Mancha. 

It  was  chiefly  gathered  together  by  my  grandfather;  who 
spared  neither  pains  nor  expense  to  procure  specimens  of  the 
oldest,  most  quaint,  and  insufferable  books  in  the  whole 
compass  of  English,  Scotch,  and  Irish  literature.  There  is  a 
tradition  in  the  family  that  the  old  gentleman  once  gave  a 
grand  entertainment  in  consequence  of  having  got  possession 
of  a  copy  of  a  philippic,  by  Archbishop  Anselm,  against  the 
unseemly  luxury  of  long  toed  shoes,  as  worn  by  the  courtiers 
in  the  time  of  William  Eufus,  which  he  purchased  of  an  honest 
brickmaker  in  the  neighborhood,  for  a  little  less  than  forty 
times  its  value.  He  had  undoubtedly  a  singular  reverence  for 
old  authors,  and  his  highest  eulogium  on  his  library  was,  that 
it  consisted  of  books  not  to  be  met  with  in  any  other  collection; 
and,  as  the  phrase  is,  entirely  out  of  print.  The  reason  of 
which  was,  I  suppose,  that  they  were  not  worthy  of  being  re- 
printed. 

Cousin  Christopher  preserves  these  relics  with  great  care, 
and  has  added  considerably  to  the  collection ;  for  with  the  hall 
he  has  inherited  almost  all  the  whim- whams  of  its  former  pos- 
sessor. He  cherishes  a  reverential  regard  for  ponderous  tomes 
of  Greek  and  Latin ;  though  he  knows  about  as  much  of  these 
languages  as  a  young  bachelor  of  arts  does  a  year  or  two  after 
leaving  college.  A  worm-eaten  work  in  eight  or  ten  volumes 
he  compares  to  an  old  family,  more  respectable  for  its  antiquity 
than  its  splendour ; — a  lumbering  folio  he  considers  as  a  duke ; — 
a  sturdy  quarto,  as  an  earl ;  and  a  row  of  gilded  duodecimos,  as 
so  many  gallant  knights  of  the  garter.  But  as  to  modern 
works  of  literature,  they  are  thrust  into  trunks  and  drawers, 


226  SALMAGUNDI. 

as  intruding  upstarts,  and  regarded  with  as  much  contempt  as 
mushroom  nobility  in  England ;  who,  having  risen  to  grandeur, 
merely  by  their  talents  and  services,  are  regarded  as  utterly 
unworthy  to  mingle  their  blood  with  those  noble  currents  that 
can  be  traced  without  a  single  contamination  through  a  long 
line  of,  perhaps,  useless  and  profligate  ancestors,  up  to  William 
the  bastard's  cook,  or  butler,  or  groom,  or  some  one  of  Kollo's 
freebooters. 

Will  Wizard,  whose  studies  are  of  a  most  uncommon  com- 
plexion, takes  great  delight  in  ransacking  the  library ;  and  has 
been,  during  his  late  sojournings  at  the  hall,  very  constant  and 
devout  in  his  visits  to  this  receptacle  of  obsolete  learning.  He 
seemed  particularly  tickled  with  the  contents  of  the  great 
mahogany  chest  of  drawers  mentioned  in  the  beginning  of  this 
work.  This  venerable  piece  of  architecture  has  frowned,  in 
sullen  majesty,  from  a  corner  of  the  library,  time  out  of  mind ; 
and  is  filled  with  musty  manuscripts,  some  in  my  grandfather's 
handwriting,  and  others  evidently  written  long  before  his  day. 

It  was  a  sight,  worthy  of  a  man's  seeing,  to  behold  Will  with 
his  outlandish  phiz  poring  over  old  scrawls  that  would  puzzle 
a  whole  society  of  antiquarians  to  expound,  and  diving  into 
receptacles  of  trumpery,  which,  for  a  century  past,  had  been 
undisturbed  by  mortal  hand.  He  would  sit  for  whole  hours, 
with  a  phlegmatic  patience  unknown  in  these  degenerate  days, 
except,  peradventure,  among  the  High  Dutch  commentators, 
prying  into  the  quaint  obscurity  of  musty  parchments,  until 
his  whole  face  seemed  to  be  converted  into  a  f olio  leaf  of  black- 
letter;  and  occasionally,  when  the  whimsical  meaning  of  an 
obscure  passage  flashed  on  his  mind,  his  countenance  would 
curl  up  into  an  expression  of  gothic  risibility,  not  unlike  the 
physiognomy  of  a  cabbage  leaf  wilting  before  a  hot  fire. 
,  At  such  times  there  was  no  getting  Will  to  join  in  our  walks ; 
or  take  any  part  in  our  usual  recreations ;  he  hardly  gave  us 
an  oriental  tale  in  a  week,  and  would  smoke  so  inveterately 
that  no  one  else  dared  enter  the  library  under  pain  of  suffoca- 
tion. This  was  more  especially  the  case  when  he  encountered 
any  knotty  piece  of  writing;  and  he  honestly  confessed  to  me 
that  one  worm-eaten  manuscript,  written  in  a  pestilent  crabbed 
hand,  had  cost  him  a  box  of  the  best  Spanish  segars  before  he 
could  make  it  out ;  and  after  all,  it  was  not  worth  a  tobacco-, 
stalk.  Such  is  the  turn  of  my  knowing  associate ;— only  let 
him  get  fairly  in  the  track  of  any  odd  out-of-the-way  whim- 
wham,  and  away  he  goes,  whip  and  cut,  until  he  either  runa 


SALMAGUNDI.  227 

down  his  game,  or  runs  himself  out  of  breath ; — I  never  in  my 
lif  e  met  with  a  man  who  rode  his  hobby-horse  more  intolerably 
hard  than  Wizard. 

One  of  his  favourite  occupations  for  some  time  past,  has 
been  the  hunting  of  black-letter,  which  he  holds  in  high  re- 
gard ;  and  he  often  hints,  that  learning  has  been  on  the  de- 
cline ever  since  the  introduction  of  the  Roman  alphabet.  An 
old  book  printed  three  hundred  years  ago,  is  a  treasure ;  and 
a  ragged  scroll,  about  one-half  unintelligible,  fills  him  with 
rapture.  Oh !  with  what  enthusiasm  will  he  dwell  on  the  dis- 
covery of  the  Pandects  of  Justinian,  and  Livy's  history :  and 
when  he  relates  the  pious  exertions  of  the  Medici,  in  recover- 
ing the  lost  treasures  of  Greek  and  Roman  literature,  his  eye 
brightens,  and  his  face  assumes  all  the  splendour  of  an  illumi- 
nated manuscript. 

Will  had  vegetated  for  a  considerable  time  in  perfect  tran- 
quillity among  dust  and  cobwebs,  when  one  morning  as  we 
were  gathered  on  the  piazza,  listening  with  exemplary  patience 
to  one  of  cousin  Christopher's  long  stories  about  the  revolu- 
tionary war,  we  were  suddenly  electrified  by  an  explosion  of 
laughter  from  the  library. — My  readers,  unless  peradventure 
they  have  heard  honest  Will  laugh,  can  form  no  idea  of  the 
prodigious  uproar  he  makes.  To  hear  him  in  a  forest,  you 
would  imagine — that  is  to  say,  if  you  were  classical  enough — 
that  the  satyrs  and  the  dryads  had  just  discovered  a  pair  of 
rural  lovers  in  the  shade,  and  were  deriding,  with  bursts  of 
obstreperous  laughter,  the  blushes  of  the  nymph  and  the  in- 
dignation of  the  swain ; — or  if  it  were  suddenly,  as  in  the  pres- 
ent instance,  to  break  upon  the  serene  and  pensive  silence  of 
an  autumnal  morning,  it  would  cause  a  sensation  something 
like  that  which  arises  from  hearing  a  sudden  clap  of  thunder 
in  a  summer's  day,  when  not  a  cloud  is  to  be  seen  above  the 
horizon.  In  short,  I  recommend  Will's  laugh  as  a  sovereign 
remedy  for  the  spleen :  and  if  any  of  our  readers  are  troubled 
with  that  villainous  complaint, — which  can  hardly  be,  if  they 
make  good  use  of  our  works, — I  advise  them  earnestly  to  get 
introduced  to  him  forthwith. 

This  outrageous  merriment  of  Will's,  as  may  be  easily  sup- 
posed, threw  the  whole  family  into  a  violent  fit  of  wondering; 
we  all,  with  the  exception  of  Christopher,  who  took  the  inter- 
ruption in  high  dudgeon,  silently  stole  up  to  the  library;  and 
bolting  in  upon  him,  were  fain  at  the  first  glance  to  join  in  his 
aspiring  roar.  His  face, — but  I  despair  to  give  an  idea  of  hi» 


228  SALMAGUNDI. 

appearance ! — and  until  his  portrait,  which  is  now  in  the  hands 
of  an  eminent  artist,  is  engraved,  my  readers  must  be  content: 
— I  promise  them  they  shall  one  day  or  other  have  a  striking 
likeness  of  "Will's  indescribable  phiz,  in  all  its  native  come- 
liness. 

Upon  my  inquiring  the  occasion  of  his  mirth,  he  thrust  an 
old,  rusty,  musty,  and  dusty  manuscript  into  my  hand,  of 
which  I  could  not  decypher  one  word  out  of  ten,  without  more 
trouble  than  it  was  worth.  This  task,  however,  he  kindly  took 
off  my  hands ;  and,  in  a  little  more  than  eight  and  forty  hours, 
produced  a  translation  into  fair  Roman  letters ;  though  he  as- 
sured me  it  had  lost  a  vast  deal  of  its  humour  by  being  mod- 
ernized and  degraded  into  plain  English.  In  return  for  the 
great  pains  he  had  taken,  I  could  not  do  less  than  insert  it  in 
our  work.  Will  informs  me  that  it  is  but  one  sheet  of  a  stu- 
pendous bundle  which  still  remains  uninvestigated — who  was 
the  author  we  have  not  yet  discovered,  but  a  note  on  the  back, 
in  my  grandfather's  handwriting,  informs  us  that  it  was  pre- 
sented to  him  as  a  literary  curiosity  by  his  particular  friend, 
the  illustrious  RIP  VAN  DAM,  formerly  lieutenant-governor  of 
the  colony  of  NEW  AMSTERDAM;  and  whose  fame,  if  it  hag 
never  reached  these  latter  days,  it  is  only  because  he  was  too 
modest  a  man  ever  to  do  any  thing  worthy  of  being  particu- 
larly recorded. 


CHAP.  CIX.  OF  THE  CHRONICLES  OF  THE  RENOWNED 
AND  ANTIENT  CITY  OF  GOTHAM. 

How  Gotham  city  conquered  was, 

And  how  the  folk  turn'd  apes— because.— Link.  Fid. 

ALBEIT,  much  about  this  time  it  did  fall  out  that  the  thrice 
renowned  and  delectable  city  of  GOTHAM  did  suffer  great  dis- 
comfiture, and  was  reduced  to  perilous  extremity,  by  the  in- 
vasion and  assaults  of  the  HOPPINGTOTS.  These  are  a  people  in- 
habiting a  far  distant  country,  exceedingly  pleasaunte  and  fer* 
tile ;  but  they  being  withal  egregiously  addicted  to  migrations, 
do  thence  issue  forth  in  mighty  swarms,  like  the  Scythians  of 
old,  overrunning  divers  countries,  and  commonwealths,  and 
committing  great  devastations  wheresoever  they  do  go,  by 
their  horrible  and  dreadful  feats  and  prowesses.  They  are 


8 ALMA  G  UNDI.  229 

specially  noted  for  being  right  valorous  in  all  exercises  of  the 
leg;  and  of  them  it  hath  been  rightly  affirmed  that  no  nation 
in  all  Christendom  or  elsewhere,  can  cope  with  them  in  the 
adroit,  dexterous,  and  jocund  shaking  of  the  heel. 

This  engaging  excellence  doth  stand  unto  them  a  sovereign 
recommendation,  by  the  which  they  do  insinuate  themselves 
into  universal  favour  and  good  countenance ;  and  it  is  a  nota- 
ble fact,  that,  let  a  Hoppingtot  but  once  introduce  a  foot  into 
company,  and  it  goeth  hardly  if  he  doth  not  contrive  to  flour- 
ish his  whole  body  in  thereafter.  The  learned  Linkum  Fide- 
lius,  in  his  famous  and  unheard-of  treatise  on  man,  whom  he 
defineth,  with  exceeding  sagacity,  to  be  a  corn-cutting,  tooth- 
drawing  animal,  is  particularly  minute  and  elaborate  in  treat- 
ing of  the  nation  of  the  Hoppingtots,  and  betrays  a  little  of  the 
Pythagorean  in  his  theory,  inasmuch  as  he  accounteth  for 
their  being  so  wonderously  adroit  in  pedestrian  exercises,  by 
supposing  that  they  did  originally  acquire  this  unaccountable 
and  unparalleled  aptitude  for  huge  and  unmatchable  feats  of 
the  leg,  by  having  heretofore  been  condemned  for  their  nume- 
rous offences  against  that  harmless  race  of  bipeds  —or  quadru- 
peds,— for  herein  the  sage  Linkum  Fidelius  appeareth  to  doubt 
and  waver  exceedingly — the  frogs,  to  animate  their  bodies  for 
the  space  of  one  or  two  generations. 

He  also  giveth  it  as  his  opinion,  that  the  name  of  Hopping- 
tots is  manifestly  derivative  from  this  transmigration.  Be 
this,  however,  as  it  may,  the  matter,  albeit  it  hath  been  the 
subject  of  controversy  among  the  learned,  is  but  little  perti- 
nent to  the  subject  of  this  history ;  wherefore  shall  we  treat 
and  consider  it  as  naughte. 

Now  these  people  being  thereto  impelled  by  a  superfluity  of 
appetite,  and  a  plentiful  deficiency  of  the  wherewithal  to  sat- 
isfy the  same,  did  take  thought  that  the  antient  and  venerable 
j  city  of  Gotham,  was,  peradventure,  possessed  of  mighty  treas- 
|  ares,  and  did,  moreover,  abound  with  all  manner  of  fish  and 
flesh,  and  eatables  and  drinkables,  and  such  like  delightsome 
and  wholesome  excellencies  withal.  Whereupon  calling  a 
council  of  the  most  active  heeled  warriors,  they  did  resolve 
forthwith  to  put  forth  a  mighty  array,  make  themselves  mas- 
ters of  the  same,  and  revel  in  the  good  things  of  the  land.  To 
this  were  they  hotly  stirred  up,  and  wickedly  incited,  by  two 
redoubtable  and  renowned  warriors,  hight  PIROTJET  and  RIGA- 
BOON;  ycleped  in  such  sort,  by  reason  that  they  were  two 
mighty,  valiant,  and  invincible  little  men;  utterly  famous  foi 


230  8 ALMA  G  UNDL 

the  victories  of  tho  leg  which  they  had,  on  divers  illustrious 
occasions,  right  gallantly  achieved. 

These  doughty  champions  did  ambitiously  and  wickedly  in- 
flame the  minds  of  their  countrymen,  with  gorgeous  descrip- 
tions, in  the  which  they  did  cunninglie  set  forth  the  marvel- 
lous riches  and  luxuries  of  Gotham ;  where  Hoppingtots  might 
have  garments  for  their  bodies,  shirts  to  their  ruffles,  and 
might  riot  most  merrily  every  day  in  the  week  on  beef,  pud- 
ding, and  such  like  lusty  dainties.— They,  Pirouet  and  Riga- 
doon,  did  likewise  hold  out  hopes  of  an  easy  conquest ;  foras- 
much as  the  Gothamites  were  as  yet  but  little  versed  in  the 
mystery  and  science  of  handling  the  legs;  and  being,  moreover, 
like  unto  that  notable  bully  of  antiquity,  Achilles,  most  vul- 
nerable to  all  attacks  on  the  heel,  would  doubtless  surrender  at 
the  very  first  assault. — Whereupon,  on  the  hearing  of  this  in- 
spiriting counsel,  the  Hoppingtots  did  set  up  a  prodigious  great 
cry  of  joy,  shook  their  heels  in  triumph,  and  were  all  impa- 
tience to  dance  on  to  Gotham  and  take  it  by  storm. 

The  cunning  Pirouet  and  the  arch  caitiff  Rigadoon,  knew  full 
well  how  to  profit  of  this  enthusiasm.  They  forthwith  did 
order  every  man  to  arm  himself  with  a  certain  pestilent  little 
weapon,  called  a  fiddle;— to  pack  up  in  his  knapsack  a  pair  of 
silk  breeches,  the  like  of  ruffles,  a  cocked  hat  of  the  form  of  a 
half-moon,  a  bundle  of  catgut— and  inasmuch  as  in  marching 
to  Gotham,  the  army  might,  peradventure,  be  smitten  with 
scarcity  of  provisions,  they  did  account  it  proper  that  each  man 
should  take  especial  care  to  carry  with  him  a  bunch  of  right 
merchantable  onions.  Having  proclaimed  these  orders  by 
sound  of  fiddle,  they,  Pirouet  and  Rigadoon,  did  accordingly 
put  their  army  behind  them,  and  striking  up  the  right  jolly 
and  sprightful  tune  of  Ca  Ira,  away  they  all  capered  towards 
4li9  devoted  city  of  Gotham,  with  a  most  horrible  and  appalling 
•  mattering  of  voices. 

/  Of  their  first  appearance  before  the  beleaguered  town,  and  of 
the  various  difficulties  which  did  encounter  them  in  their 
march,  this  history  saith  not ;  being  that  other  matters  of  more 
weighty  import  require  to  be  written.  When  that  the  army  of 
the  Hoppingtots  did  peregrinate  within  sight  of  Gotham,  and 
the  people  of  the  city  did  behold  the  villainous  and  hitherto 
unseen  capers,  and  grimaces,  which  they  did  make,  a  most 
horrific  panic  was  stirred  up  among  the  citizens ;  and  the  sages 
of  the  town  fell  into  great  despondency  and  tribulation,  as 
supposing  that  these  invaders  were  of  the  race  of  the  Jig-hees, 


SALMA  a  UNDL  231 

who  did  make  men  into  baboons  when  they  achieved  a  con- 
quest over  them.  The  sages,  therefore,  called  upon  all  the 
dancing  men,  and  dancing  women,  and  exhorted  them  with 
great  vehemency  of  speech,  to  make  heel  against  the  invaders, 
and  to  put  themselves  upon  such  gallant  defence,  such  glorious 
array,  and  such  sturdy  evolution,  elevation,  and  transposition 
of  the  foot  as  might  incontinently  impester  the  legs  of  the  Hop- 
pingtots,  and  produce  their  complete  discomfiture.  But  so  it 
did  happen,  by  great  misclmnce,  that  divers  light-heeled  youth 
of  Gotham,  more  especially  those  who  are  descended  from 
three  wise  men,  so  renowned  of  yore  for  having  most  venture- 
somely voyaged  over  sea  in  a  bowl,  were,  from  time  to  time, 
captured  and  inveigled  into  the  camp  of  the  enemy ;  where, 
being  foolishly  cajoled  and  treated  for  a  season  with  outlandish 
disports  and  pleasantries,  they  were  sent  back  to  their  friends, 
entirely  changed,  degenerated,  and  turned  topsy-turvy;  inso- 
much that  they  thought  thenceforth  of  nothing  but  their  heels, 
always  essaying  to  thrust  them  into  the  most  manifest  point  of 
view ; — and,  in  a  word,  as  might  truly  be  affirmed,  did  for  ever 
after  walk  upon  their  heads  outright. 

And  the  Hoppingtots  did  day  by  day,  and  at  late  hours  of 
the  night,  wax  more  and  more  urgent  in  this  their  investment 
of  the  city.  At  one  time  they  would,  in  goodly  procession, 
make  an  open  assault  by  sound  of  fiddle  in  a  tremendous  con- 
tra dance ; — and  anon  they  would  advance  by  little  detachments 
and  manoeuvres  to  take  the  town  by  figuring  in  cotillions. 
But  truly  their  most  cunning  and  devilish  craft,  and  subtilty, 
was  made  manifest  in  their  strenuous  endeavours  to  corrupt 
the  garrison,  by  a  most  insidious  and  pestilent  dance  called  the 
Waltz.  This,  in  good  truth,  was  a  potent  auxiliary ;  for,  by  it, 
were  the  heads  of  the  simple  Gothamites  most  villainously 
turned,  their  wits  sent  a  wool-gathering,  and  themselves  on 
the  point  of  surrendering  at  discretion  even  unto  the  very  arms 
of  their  invading  foemen. 

At  length  the  fortifications  of  the  town  began  to  give  mani- 
fest symptoms  of  decay ;  inasmuch  as  the  breastwork  of  de- 
cency was  considerably  broken  down,  and  the  curtain  works 
of  propriety  blown  up.  When  that  the  cunning  caitiff  Pirouet 
beheld  the  ticklish  and  jeopardized  state  of  the  city — "  Now, 
by  my  leg,"  quoth  he,— he  alwaya  swore  by  his  leg,  being  that 
it  was  an  exceeding  goodlie  leg; — "  Now,  by  my  leg,"  quoth  he, 
"  but  this  is  no  great  matter  of  recreation; — I  will  show  these 
people  a  pretty,  strange,  and  new  way  forsooth,  presentlie, 


232  SALMAGUNDI. 

and  will  shake  the  dust  off  my  pumps  upon  this  most  obstinate 
and  uncivilized  town."  Whereupon  he  ordered,  and  did  com- 
mand his  warriors,  one  and  all,  that  they  should  put  themselves 
in  readiness,  and  prepare  to  carry  the  town  by  a  GRAND  BALL. 
They,  in  no  wise  to  be  daunted,  do  forthwith,  at  the  word, 
equip  themselves  for  the  assault ;  and  in  good  faith,  truly,  it 
was  a  gracious  and  glorious  sight,  a  most  triumphant  and  in-» 
comparable  spectacle,  to  behold  them  gallantly  arrayed  in 
glossy  and  shining  silk  breeches  tied  with  abundance  of  riband ; 
with  silken  hose  of  the  gorgeous  colour  of  the  salmon ; — right 
goodlie  morocco  pumps  decorated  with  clasps  or  buckles  of  a 
most  cunninge  and  secret  contrivance,  inasmuch  as  they  did  of 
themselves  grapple  to  the  shoe  without  any  aid  of  fluke  or 
tongue,  marvellously  ensembling  witchcraft  and  necromancy. 
They  had,  withal,  exuberant  chitterlings ;  which  puffed  out  at 
the  neck  and  bosom,  after  a  most  jolly  fashion,  like  unto  the 
beard  of  an  antient  he-turkey ;— and  cocked  hats,  the  which 
they  did  carry  not  on  their  heads,  after  the  fashion  of  the 
Gothamites,  but  under  their  arms,  as  a  roasted  fowl  his  gizzard. 
Thus  being  equipped,  and  marshalled,  they  do  attack,  assault, 
batter  and  belabour  the  town  with  might  and  main; — most  gal- 
lantly displaying  the  vigour  of  their  legs,  and  shaking  their 
heels  at  it  most  emphatically.  And  the  manner  of  their  attack 
was  in  this  sort ; — first,  they  did  thunder  and  gallop  forward 
in  a  contre-temps; — and  anon,  displayed  column  in  a  Cossack 
dance,  a  fandango,  or  a  gavot.  Whereat  the  Gothamites,  in 
no  wise  understanding  this  unknown  system  of  warfare,  mar- 
velled exceedinglie,  and  did  open  their  mouths  incontinently, 
the  full  distance  of  a  bow-shot,  meaning  a  cross-bow,  in  sore 
dismay  and  apprehension.  Whereupon,  saith  Eigadoon,  flour- 
ishing his  left  leg  with  great  expression  of  valour,  and  most 
magnific  carriage — "  my  copesmates,  for  what  wait  we  here; 
are  not  the  townsmen  already  won  to  our  favour? — do  not  their! 
women  and  young  damsels  wave  to  us  from  the  walls  in  such 
sort  that,  albeit  there  is  some  show  of  defence,  yet  is  it  mani- 
festly converted  into  our  interests?"  so  saying,  he  made  no 
more  ado,  but  leaping  into  the  air  about  a  flight-shot,  and 
crossing  his  feet  six  times,  after  the  manner  of  the  Hoppingtots, 
he  gave  a  short  partridge-run,  and  with  mighty  vigour  and 
swiftness  did  bolt  outright  over  the  walls  with  a  somerset. 
The  whole  army  of  Hoppingtots  danced  in  after  their  valiant 
chieftain,  with  an  enormous  squeaking  of  fiddles,  and  a  horrific 
blasting  and  brattling  of  horns »  insomuch  that  the  dogs  did 


8 ALMA  G  UNDI.  233 

howl  in  the  streets,  so  hideously  were  their  ears  assailed.  The 
Gothamites  made  some  semblance  of  defence,  but  their  women 
having  been  all  won  over  into  the  interest  of  the  enemy,  they 
were  shortly  reduced  to  make  most  abject  submission;  and  de- 
livered over  to  the  coercion  of  certain  professors  of  the  Hop- 
pingtots,  who  did  put  them  under  most  ignominious  durance, 
for  the  space  of  a  long  time,  until  they  had  learned  to  turn  out 
their  tec,  and  nourish  their  legs  after  the  true  manner  of 
their  conquerors.  And  thus,  after  the  manner  I  have  related, 
was  the  mighty  and  puissant  city  of  Gotham  circumvented, 
and  taken  by  a  coup  de  pied :  or  as  it  might  by  rendered,  by 
force  of  legs. 

The  conquerors  showed  no  mercy,  but  did  put  all  ages,  sexes, 
and  conditions  to  the  fiddle  and  the  dance;  and,  in  a  word, 
compelled  and  enforced  them  to  become  absolute  Hoppingtots. 
"  Habit,"  as  the  ingenious  Linkum  Fidelius  profoundly  affirm- 
eth,  "  is  second  nature."  And  this  original  and  invaluable  ob- 
servation hath  been  most  aply  proved,  and  illustrated,  by  the 
example  of  the  Gothamites,  ever  since  this  disastrous  and  un- 
lucky mischance.  In  process  of  time,  they  have  waxed  to  be 
most  flagrant,  outrageous,  and  abandoned  dancers;  they  do 
ponder  on  noughte  but  how  to  gallantize  it  at  balls,  routs,  and 
fandangoes ;  insomuch  that  the  like  was  in  no  time  or  place 
ever  observed  before.  They  do,  moreover,  pitifully  devote 
their  nights  to  the  jollification  of  the  legs,  and  their  days  for- 
sooth to  the  instruction  and  edification  of  the  heel.  And  to 
conclude ;  their  young  folk,  who  whilome  did  bestow  a  modi- 
cum of  leisure  upon  the  improvement  of  the  head,  have  of  late 
utterly  abandoned  this  hopeless  task ;  and  have  quietly,  as  it 
were,  settled  themselves  do\sn  into  mere  machines,  wound  up 
by  a  tune,  and  set  in  motion  by  a  fiddle-stick  1 


234  SALMAGUNDI. 


NO.  XVIII. -TUESDAY,  NOV.  24,  1807. 


THE  LITTLE  MAN  IN  BLACK. 

BY  LATTNCELOT  LANGSTAFF,   ESQ. 

THE  following  story  has  been  handed  down  by  tamily  tradi- 
tion for  more  than  a  century.  It  is  one  on  which  my  cousin 
Christopher  dwells  with  more  than  usual  prolixity ;  and,  being 
in  some  measure  connected  with  a  personage  often  quoted  in 
our  work,  I  have  thought  it  worthy  of  being  laid  before  my 
readers. 

Soon  after  my  grandfather,  Mr.  Lemuel  Cockloft,  had  quietly 
settled  himself  at  the  hall,  and  just  about  the  tune  that  the 
gossips  of  the  neighbourhood,  tired  of  prying  into  his  affairs, 
were  anxious  for  some  new  tea-table  topic,  the  busy  communi- 
ty of  our  little  village  was  thrown  into  a  grand  turmoil  of 
curiosity  and  conjecture  -a  situation  very  common  to  little 
gossiping  villages— by  the  sudden  and  unaccountable  appear- 
ance of  a  mysterious  individual. 

The  object  of  this  solicitude  was  a  little  black-looking  man, 
of  a  foreign  aspect,  who  took  possession  of  an  old  building, 
which  having  long  had  the  reputation  of  being  haunted,  was  in 
a  state  of  ruinous  desolation,  and  an  object  of  fear  to  all  true 
believers  in  ghosts.  He  usually  wore  a  high  sugarloaf  hat  with 
a  narrow  brim;  and  a  little  black  cloak,  which,  short  as  he 
was,  scarcely  reached  below  his  knees.  He  sought  no  intimacy 
or  acquaintance  with  any  one ;  appeared  to  take  no  interest  in 
the  pleasures  or  the  little  broils  of  the  village ;  nor  ever  talked ; 
except  sometimes  to  himself  in  an  outlandish  tongue.  He 
commonly  carried  a  large  book,  covered  with  sheepskin,  under 
his  arm;  appeared  always  to  be  lost  in  meditation;  and  was 
often  met  by  the  peasantry,  sometimes  watching  the  dawning 
of  day,  sometimes  at  noon  seated  under  a  tree  poring  over  his 


SALMAGUNDI.  235 

volume ;  and  sometimes  at  evening  gazing  with  a  look  of  sober 
tranquillity  at  the  sun  as  it  gradually  sunk  below  the  horizon. 

The  good  people  of  the  vicinity  beheld  something  prodig- 
iously singular  in  all  this; —a  profound  mystery  seemed  to 
hang  about  the  stranger,  which,  with  all  their  sagacity,  they 
could  not  penetrate;  and  in  the  ex^aroi  worlJlj' T'l i nn»i I y  tlilgf 
^  pf ondtmeedxit  a  sure  sign  "  tha^ne  was  no  better  than  he 
should  be;"-4a  phrase  innocent  enough i»4ts«lf;  Imi  whit'Lt;  as 
ap^lXedjar^ommon,  signifies  nearly  every  thing  that  is  bad. 
The  young  people  thought  him  a  gloomy  misanthrope,  because 
he  never  joined  in  their  sports;— the  old  men  thought  still  more 
hardly  of  him  because  he  followed  no  trade,  nor  ever  seemed 
ambitious  of  earning  a  farthing; — and  as  to  the  old  gossips, 
baffled  by  the  inflexible  taciturnity  of  the  stranger,  they  unani- 
mously agreed  that  a  man  who  could  not  or  would  not  talk 
was  no  better  than  a  dumb  beast.  The  little  man  in  black, 
careless  of  their  opinions,  seemed  resolved  to  maintain  the  lib- 
erty of  keeping  his  own  secret ;  and  the  consequence  was,  that, 
in  a  little  while,  the  whole  village  was  in  an  uproar; — for  in 
little  communities  of  this  description,  the  members  have  al- 
ways the  privilege  of  being  thoroughly  versed,  and  even  of 
meddling  in  all  the  affairs  of  each  other. 

A  confidential  conference  was  held  one  Sunday  morning 
after  sermon,  at  the  door  of  the  village  church,  and  the  char- 
acter of  the  unknown  fully  investigated.  The  schoolmaster 
gave  as  his  opinion,  that  he  was  the  wandering  Jew ;— the  sex- 
ton was  certain  that  he  must  be  a  free-mason  from  his  silence; 
— a  third  maintained,  with  great  obstinacy,  that  he  was  a 
high  German  doctor;  and  that  the  book  which  he  carried  about 
with  him,  contained  the  secrets  of  the  black  art ;  but  the  most 
prevailing  opinion  seemed  to  be  that  he  was  a  witch ; — a  race 
of  beings  at  that  time  abounding  in  those  parts ;  and  a  saga- 
cious old  matron,  from  Connecticut,  proposed  to  ascertain  the 
fact  by  sousing  him  into  a  kettle  of  hot  water. 

Suspicion,  when  once  afloat,  goes  with  wind  and  tide,  and 
soon  becomes  certainty.  Many  a  stormy  night  was  the  little 
man  in  black,  seen  by  the  flashes  of  lightning,  frisking  and 
curveting  in  the  air  upon  a  broomstick ;  and  it  was  always  ob- 
served, that  at  those  times  the  storm  did  more  mischief  than 
at  any  other.  The  old  lady  in  particular,  who  suggested  the 
humane  ordeal  of  the  boiling  kettle,  lost  on  one  of  these  occa- 
sions a  fine  brindle  cow ;  which  accident  was  entirely  ascribed 
to  the  vengeance  of  the  little  man  in  black.  If  ever  a  mis- 


236  SALMAGUNDI. 

chievous  hireling  rode  his  master's  favourite  horse  to  a  distant 
frolic,  and  the  animal  was  observed  to  be  lame  and  jaded  in 
the  morning, — the  little  man  in  black  was  sure  to  be  at  the 
bottom  of  the  affair ;  nor  could  a  high  wind  howl  through  the 
village  at  night  but  the  old  women  shrugged  up  their  shoul- 
ders, and  observed,  "the  little  man  in  black  was  in  his  tan- 
trums." In  short,  he  became  the  bugbear  of  every  house;  and 
was  as  effectual  in  frightening  little  children  into  obedience 
and  hysterics,  as  the  redoubtable  Raw-head-and-bloody-bones 
himself:  nor  could  a  housewife  of  the  village  sleep  in  peace, 
except  under  the  guardianship  of  a  horse-shoe  nailed  to  the 
door. 

The  object  of  these  direful  suspicions  remained  for  some  time 
totally  ignorant  of  the  wonderful  quandary  he  had  occasioned ; 
but  he  was  soon  doomed  to  feel  its  effects.  An  individual  who 
is  once  so  unfortunate  as  to  incur  the  odium  of  a  village,  is  in 
a  great  measure  outlawed  and  proscribed ;  and  becomes  a  mark 
for  injury  and  insult ;  particularly  if  he  has  not  the  power  or 
the  disposition  to  recriminate.  The  little  venomous  passions, 
which  in  the  great  world  are  dissipated  and  weakened  by 
being  widely  diffused,  act  in  the  narrow  limits  of  a  country 
town  with  collected  vigour,  and  become  rancorous  in  propor- 
tion as  they  are  confined  in  their  sphere  of  action.  The  little 
man  in  black  experienced  the  truth  of  this ;  every  mischievous 
urchin  returning  from  school,  had  full  liberty  to  break  his  win- 
dows ;  and  this  was  considered  as  a  most  daring  exploit ;  for 
in  such  awe  did  they  stand  of  him,  that  the  most  adventurous 
school  boy  was  never  seen  to  approach  his  threshold,  and  at 
night  would  prefer  going  round  by  the  cross-roads,  where  a 
traveller  had  been  murdered  by  the  Indians,  rather  than  pass 
by  the  door  of  his  forlorn  habitation. 

The  only  living  creature  that  seemed  to  have  any  care  or 
affection  for  this  deserted  being  was  an  old  turnspit,— the 
companion  of  his  lonely  mansion  and  his  solitary  wanderings ; 
—the  sharer  of  his  scanty  meals,  and,  sorry  am  I  to  say  it,  the 
sharer  of  his  persecutions.  The  turnspit,  like  his  master,  was 
peaceable  and  inoffensive ;  never  known  to  bark  at  a  horse,  to 
growl  at  a  traveller,  or  to  quarrel  with  the  dogs  of  the  neigh- 
bourhood. He  followed  close  at  his  master's  heels  when  he 
went  out,  and  when  he  returned  stretched  himself  in  the  sun- 
beams at  the  door;  demeaning  himself  in  all  things  like  a  civil 
and  well-disposed  turnspit.  But  notwithstanding  his  exemplary 
deportment,  he  fell  likewise  under  the  ill  report  of  the  village,- 


SALMAGUNDI.  237 

as  being  the  familiar  of  the  little  man  in  black,  and  the  evil 
spirit  that  presided  at  his  incantations.  The  old  hovel  was 
considered  as  the  scene  of  their  unhallowed  rites,  and  its  harm- 
less tenants  regarded  with  a  detestation  which  their  inoffen- 
sive conduct  never  merited.— Though  pelted  and  jeered  at  by 
the  brats  of  the  village,  and  frequently  abused  by  their 
parents,  the  little  man  in  black  never  turned  to  rebuke  them ; 
and  his  faithful  dog,  when  wantonly  assaulted,  looked  up 
wistfully  in  his  master's  face,  and  there  learned  a  lesson  of 
patience  and  forbearance. 

The  movements  of  this  inscrutable  being  had  long  been  the 
subject  of  speculation  at  Cockloft-hall,  for  its  inmates  were  full 
as  much  given  to  wondering  as  their  descendants.  The  pa- 
tience with  which  he  bore  his  persecutions  particularly  sur- 
prised them ;  for  patience  is  a  virtue  but  little  known  in  the 
Cockloft  family.  My  grandmother,  who  it  appears  was  rather 
superstitious,  saw  in  this  humility  nothing  but  the  gloomy  sul- 
lenness  of  a  wizard,  who  restrained  himself  for  the  present,  in 
hopes  of  midnight  vengeance ; — the  parson  of  the  village,  who 
was  a  man  of  some  reading,  pronounced  it  the  stubborn  insen- 
sibility of  a  stoic  philrrnphrr-,  TTrj-^rrmfifuthrr,  who,  worthy 
soul,  seldom  wandered  abroad  in  sPar'p-K-Q£-f>-nTicll]pilftrsij -*£*&  a 
data  f  rom  hisjawnjeajcellgnt_heart,  and  regarded  it  as  the  hum- 
ble for  Driven  esa  of  a,  flhrfotjari.  But  however  different  were 
tKeir  opinions  as  to  the  character  of  the  stranger,  they  agreed 
in  one  particular,  namely,  in  never  intruding  upon  his  soli- 
tude ;  and  my  grandmother,  who  was  at  that  time  nursing  my 
mother,  never  left  the  room  without  wisely  putting  the  large 
family  Bible  in  the  cradle;  a  sure  talisman,  in  her  opinion, 
against  witchcraft  and  necromancy. 

One  stormy  winter  night,  when  a  bleak  north-east  wind 
moaned  about  the  cottages,  and  howled  around  the  village 
steeple,  my  grandfather  was  returning  from  club,  preceded  by 
a  servant  with  a  lantern.  Just  as  he  arrived  opposite  the  des- 
olate abode  of  the  little  man  in  black,  he  was  arrested  by  the 
piteous  howling  of  a  dog,  which,  heard  in  the  pauses  of  the 
storm,  was  exquisitely  mournful;  and  he  fancied  now  and 
then,  that  he  caught  the  low  and  broken  groans  of  some  one  in 
distress. — He  stopped  for  some  minutes,  hesitating  between  the 
benevolence  of  his  heart  and  a  sensation  of  genuine  delicacy, 
which,  in  spite  of  his  eccentricity,  he  fully  possessed, — and 
which  forbade  him  to  pry  into  the  concerns  of  his  neighbours. 
Perhaps,  too,  this  hesitation  migljt  have  been  strengthened  by 


938  SALMAGUNDI. 

a  little  taint  of  superstition;  for  surely,  if  the  unknown  had 
been  addicted  to  witchcraft,  this  was  a  most  propitious  night 
for  his  vagaries.  At  length  the  old  gentleman's  philanthropy 
predominated ;  he  approached  the  hovel,  and  pushing  open  the 
door, — for  poverty  has  no  occasion  for  locks  and  keys, — be- 
held, by  the  light  of  the  lantern,  a  scene  that  smote  his  gen- 
erous heart  to  the  core. 

On  a  miserable  bed,  with  pallid  and  emaciated  visage,  and 
hollow  eyes; — in  a  room  destitute  of  every  convenience; — 
Without  fire  to  warm,  or  friend  to  console  him,  lay  this  help- 
less mortal,  who  had  been  so  long  the  terror  and  wonder  of  the 
village.  His  dog  was  crouching  on  the  scanty  coverlet,  and 
shivering  with  cold.  My  grandfather  stepped  softly  and  hesi- 
tatingly to  the  bed-side,  and  accosted  the  forlorn  sufferer  in  his 
usual  accents  of  kindness.  The  little  man  in  black  seemed  re- 
called by  the  tones  of  compassion  from  the  lethargy  into  which 
he  had  fallen ;  for,  though  his  heart  was  almost  frozen,  there 
was  yet  one  chord  that  answered  to  the  call  of  the  good  old 
man  who  bent  over  him;  the  tones  of  sympathy,  so  novel  to 
his  ear,  called  back  his  wandering  senses,  and  acted  like  a  res- 
torative to  his  solitary  feelings. 

He  raised  his  eyes,  but  they  were  vacant  and  haggard ; — he 
put  forth  his  hand,  but  it  was  cold ;  he  essayed  to  speak,  but 
the  sound  died  away  in  his  throat ;— he  pointed  to  his  mouth 
with  an  expression  of  dreadful  meaning,  and,  sad  to  relate! 
my  grandfather  understood  that  the  harmless  stranger,  de- 
serted by  society,  was  perishing  with  hunger ! — with  the  quick 
/impulse  of  humanity  he  despatched  the  servant  to  the  hall  for 
refreshment.  A  little  warm  nourishment  renovated  him  for  a 
short  time,  but  not  long: — it  was  evident -his  pilgrimage  was 
drawing  to  a  close,  and  he  was  about  entering  that  peaceful 
asylum  where  "  the  wicked  cease  from  troubling." 

His  tale  of  misery  was  short,  and  quickly  told:  infirmities 
had  stolen  upon  him,  heightened  by  the  rigours  of  the  season: 
he  had  taken  to  his  bed  without  strength  to  rise  and  ask  for 
assistance; — "  and  if  I  had,"  said  he  in  a  tone  of  bitter  despon- 
dency, "to  whom  should  I  have  applied?  I  have  no  friend 
that  I  know  of  in  the  world ! — the  villagers  avoid  me  as  some- 
thing loathsome  and  dangerous;  and  here,  in  the  midst  of 
Christians,  should  I  have  perished,  without  a  fellow-being  to 
soothe  the  last  moments  of  existence,  and  close  my  dying  eyes, 
had  not  the  bowlings  of  my  faithful  dog  excited  your  atten- 
tion." 


SALMAGUNDI.  239 

£te  seemed  deeply  sensible  of  the  kindness  of  my  grand- 
father ;  and  at  one  time  as  he  looked  up  into  his  old  benefac- 
tor's face,  a  solitary  tear  was  observed  to  steal  adown  the 
parched  furrows  of  his  cheek — poor  outcast ! — it  was  the  last 
tear  he  shed — but  I  warrant  it  was  not  the  first  by  millions ! 
my  grandfather  watched  by  him  all  night.  Towards  morning 
he  gradually  declined ;  and  as  the  rising  sun  gleamed  through 
the  window,  he  begged  to  be  raised  in  his  bed  that  he  might 
look  at  it  for  the  last  time.  He  contemplated  it  for  a  moment 
with  a  kind  of  religious  enthusiasm,  and  his  lips  moved  as  if 
engaged  in  prayer.  The  strange  conjectures  concerning  him 
rushed  on  my  grandfather's  mind :"  he  is  an  idolater !"  thought 
he,  "and  is  worshipping  the  sun!" — He  listened  a  moment  and 
blushed  at  his  own  uncharitable  suspicion ;  he  was  only  en- 
gaged in  the  pious  devotions  of  a  Christian.  His  simple  orison 
being  finished,  the  little  man  in  black  withdrew  his  eyes  from 
the  east,  and  taking  my  grandfather's  hand  in  one  of  his,  and 
making  a  motion  with  the  other  towards  the  sun ;— "  I  love  to 
contemplate  it,"  said  he,  "'tis  an  emblem  of  the  universal 
benevolence  of  a  true  Christian ; — and  it  is  the  most  glorious 
work  of  him  who  is  philanthropy  itself!"  My  grandfather 
blushed  still  deeper  at  his  ungenerous  surmises ;  he  had  pitied 
the  stranger  at  first,  but  now  he  revered  him : — he  turned  once 
more  to  regard  him,  but  his  countenance  had  undergone  a 
change ; — the  holy  enthusiasm  that  had  lighted  up  each  fea- 
ture, had  given  place  to  an  expression  of  mysterious  import ; — 
a  gleam  of  grandeur  seemed  to  steal  across  his  Gothic  visage, 
and  he  appeared  full  of  some  mighty  secret  which  he  hesitated 
to  impart.  He  raised  the  tattered  nightcap  that  had  sunk  al- 
most over  his  eyes,  and  waving  his  withered  hand  with  a  slow 
and  feeble  expression  of  dignity, — "In  me,"  said  he,  with  la- 
conic solemnity, — "in  mejuwr-behold  the  last  descendant  of 
the  renowned 'Linkum  Fidelins!"  My  grandfather  gazed  at 
him  with  reverence^ToT^though  he  had  never  heard  of  the 
illustrious  personage,  thus  pompously  announced,  yet  there 
was  a  certain  black-letter  dignity  in  the  name  that  peculiarly 
struck  his  fancy  and  commanded  his  respect. 

"You  have  been  kind  to  me,"  continued  the  little  man  in 
black,  after  a  momentary  pause,  "and  richly  will  I  requite 
your  kindness  by  making  you  heir  to  my  treasures !  In  yon- 
der large  deal  box  are  the  volumes  of  my  illustrious  ancestor, 
of  which  I  alone  am  the  fortunate  possessor.  Inherit  them — 
ponder  over  them,  and  be  wise  1"  He  grew  faint  with  the  ex- 


240  SALMAGUNDI. 

ertion  he  had  made,  and  sunk  back  almost  breathless  on  his 
pillow.  His  hand,  which,  inspired  with  the  importance  of  his 
subject,  he  had  raised  to  my  grandfather's  arm,  slipped  from 
its  hold  and  fell  over  the  side  of  the  bed,  and  his  faithful  dog 
licked  it ;  as  if  anxious  to  soothe  the  last  moments  of  his  mas- 
ter, and  testify  his  gratitude  to  the  hand  that  had  so  often 
cherished  him.  The  untaught  caresses  of  the  faithful  animal 
were  not  lost  upon  his  dying  master; — he  raised  his  languid 
eyes,— turned  them  on  the  dog,  then  on  my  grandfather;  and 
having  given  this  silent  recommendation, — closed  them  for 
ever. 

The  remains  of  the  little  man  in  black,  notwithstanding  the 
objections  of  many  pious  people,  were  decently  interred  in  the 
church-yard  of  the  village;  and  his  spirit,  harmless  as  the 
body  it  once  animated,  has  never  been  known  to  molest  a 
living  being.  My  grandfather  complied,  as  far  as  possible, 
with  his  last  request;  he  conveyed  the  volumes  of  Linkum 
Fidelius  to  his  library ; — he  pondered  over  them  frequently ; — 
but  whether  he  grew  wiser,  the  tradition  doth  not  mention. 
This  much  is  certain,  that  his  kindness  to  the  poor  descendant 
of  Fidelius  was  amply  rewarded  by  the  approbation  of  his  own 
heart  and  the  devoted  attachment  of  the  old  turnspit,  who, 
transferring  his  affection  from  his  deceased  master  to  his  ben- 
efactor, became  his  constant  attendant,  and  was  father  to  a 
long  line  of  runty  curs  that  still  flourish  in  the  family.  And 
thus  was  the  Cockloft  library  first  enriched  by  the  invaluable 
folios  of  the  sage  LINKUM  FIDELIUS. 


LETTER  FROM   MUSTAPHA  RUB-A-DUB  KELT   KHAN, 

TO  ASEM  HACCHEM,    PRINCIPAL    SLAVE-DRIVER  TO    HIS    HIGHNESS 
THE  BASHAW  OF  TRIPOLI. 

THOUGH  I  am  often  disgusted,  my  good  Asem,  with  the  vices 
and  absurdities  of  the  men  of  this  country,  yet  the  women 
afford  me  a  world  of  amusement.  Their  lively  prattle  is  as 
diverting  as  the  chattering  of  the  red-tailed  parrot;  nor  can 
the  green-headed  monkey  of  Timandi  equal  them  in  whim  and 
playfulness.  But,  notwithstanding  these  valuable  qualifica- 
tions, I  am  sorry  to  observe  they  are  not  treated  with  half 


8 ALMA  O  UNDI.  ~*  241 

the  attention  bestowed  on  the  before  -  mentioned  animals. 
These  infidels  put  their  parrots  in  cages  and  chain  their  mon- 
keys ;  but  their  women,  instead  of  being  carefully  shut  up  in 
harems  and  seraglios,  are  abandoned  to  the  direction  of  their 
own  reason  and  suffered  to  run  about  in  perfect  freedom,  like 
other  domestic  animals: — this  comes,  Asem,  of  treating  their 
women  as  rational  beings  and  allowing  them  souls.  The  conse- 
quence of  this  piteous  neglect  may  easily  be  imagined : — they 
have  degenerated  into  all  their  native  wildness,  are  seldom  to 
be  caught  at  home,  and,  at  an  early  age,  take  to  the  streets 
and  highways,  where  they  rove  about  in  droves,  giving  almost 
as  much  annoyance  to  the  peaceable  people  as  the  troops  of 
wild  dogs  that  infest  our  great  cities,  or  the  flights  of  locusts 
that  sometimes  spread  famine  and  desolation  over  whole  re- 
gions of  fertility. 

This  propensity  to  relapse  into  pristine  wildness  convinces 
me  of  the  untameable  disposition  of  the  sex,  who  may  indeed 
be  partially  domesticated  by  a  long  course  of  confinement  and 
restraint,  but  the  moment  they  are  restored  to  personal  free- 
dom, become  wild  as  the  young  partridge  of  this  country, 
which,  though  scarcely  half  hatched,  will  take  to  the  fields 
and  run  about  with  the  shell  upon  its  back. 

Notwithstanding  their  wildness,  however,  they  are  remarka- 
bly easy  of  access,  and  suffer  themselves  to  be  approached  at 
certain  hours  of  the  day  without  any  symptoms  of  apprehen- 
sion ;  and  I  have  even  happily  succeeded  in  detecting  them  at 
their  domestic  occupations.  One  of  the  most  important  of 
these  consists  in  thumping  vehemently  on  a  kind  of  musical 
instrument,  and  producing  a  confused,  hideous,  and  indefina- 
ble uproar,  which  they  call  the  description  of  a  "battle ; — a  jest, 
no  doubt,  for  they  are  wonderfully  facetious  at  times,  and 
make  great  practice  of  passing  jokes  upon  strangers.  Some- 
times they  employ  themselves  in  painting  little  caricatures  of 
landscapes,  wherein  they  display  their  singular  drollery  in 
bantering  nature  fairly  out  of  countenance ;  representing  her 
tricked  out  in  all  the  tawdry  finery  of  copper  skies,  purple 
rivers,  calico  rocks,  red  grass,  clouds  that  look  like  old  clothes 
Bet  adrift  by  the  tempest,  and  foxy  trees  whose  melancholy 
foliage,  drooping  and  curling  most  fantastically,  reminds  me 
of  an  undressed  perriwig  that  I  have  now  and  then  seen  hung 
on  a  stick  in  a  barber's  window.  At  other  times  they  employ 
themselves  in  acquiring  a  smattering  of  languages  spoken  by 
nations  on  the  other  side  of  the  globe,  as  they  find  their  own 


242  SALMAGUNDI. 

language  not  sufficiently  copious  to  supply  their  constant  de- 
mands and  express  their  multifarious  ideas.  But  their  most 
important  domestic  avocation  is  to  embroider,  on  satin  or  mus- 
lin, flowers  of  a  nondescript  kind,  in  which  the  great  art  is  to 
make  them  as  unlike  nature  as  possible; — or  to  fasten  little 
bits  of  silver,  gold,  tinsel,  and  glass  on  long  strips  of  muslin, 
which  they  drag  after  them  with  much  dignity  whenever  they 
go  abroad ; — a  fine  lady,  like  a  bird  of  paradise,  being  estimated 
by  the  length  of  her  tail. 

But  do  not,  my  friend,  fall  into  the  enormous  error  of  sup- 
posing that  the  exercise  of  these  arts  is  attended  with  any  use- 
ful or  profitable  result— believe  me,  thou  couldst  not  indulge 
an  idea  more  unjust  and  injurious ;  for  it  appears  to  be  an  estab- 
lished maxim  among  the  women  of  this  country,  that  a  lady 
loses  her  dignity  when  she  condescends  to  be  useful,  and  for- 
feits all  rank  in  society  the  moment  she  can  be  convicted  of 
earning  a  farthing.  Their  labours,  therefore,  are  directed  not 
towards  supplying  their  household,  but  in  decking  their  per- 
sons, and — generous  souls!— they  deck  their  persons,  not  so 
much  to  please  themselves,  as  to  gratify  others,  particularly 
strangers.  I  am  confident  thou  wilt  stare  at  this,  my  good 
Asem,  accustomed  as  thou  art  to  our  eastern  females,  who 
shrink  in  blushing  timidity  even  from  the  glance  of  a  lover, 
and  are  so  chary  of  their  favours,  that  they  even  seem  fearful 
of  lavishing  their  smiles  too  profusely  on  their  husbands.  Here, 
on  the  contrary,  the  stranger  has  the  first  place  in  female  re- 
gard, and  so  &"  do  they  carry  their  hospitality,  that  I  have 
seen  a  fine  lady  slight  a  dozen  tried  friends  and  real  admirers, 
who  lived  in  her  smiles  and  made  her  happiness  their  study, 
merely  to  allure  the  vague  and  wandering  glances  of  a  stranger, 
who  viewed  her  person  with  indifference  and  treated  her  ad- 
vances with  contempt. By  the  whiskers  of  our  sublime 

bashaw,  but  this  is  highly  flattering  to  a  foreigner !  and  thou 
mayest  judge  how  particularly  pleasing  to  one  who  is,  like  my- 
self, so  ardent  an  admirer  of  the  sex.  Far  be  it  from  me  to 
condemn  this  extraordinary  manifestation  of  good  will— let. 
their  own  countrymen  look  to  that. 

Be  not  alarmed,  I  conjure  thee,  my  dear  Asem,  lest  I  should 
be  tempted  by  these  beautiful  barbarians  to  break  the  faith  I 
owe  to  the  three-and-twenty  wives  from  whom  my  unhappy 
destiny  has  perhaps  severed  me  for  ever:— no,  Asem,  neither 
time  nor  the  bitter  succession  of  misfortunes  that  pursues  me 
can  shake  from  my  heart  the  memory  of  former  attachments 


SALMAGUNDI.  243 

I  listen  with  tranquil  heart  to  the  strumming  and  prattling  of 
these  fair  syrens ;  their  whimsical  paintings  touch  not  the  ten- 
der chord  of  my  affections ;  and  I  would  still  defy  their  fasci- 
nations, though  they  trailed  after  them  trains  as  long  as  the 
gorgeous  trappings  which  are  dragged  at  the  heels  of  the  holy 
camel  of  Mecca:  or  as  the  tail  of  the  great  beast  in  our  prophet's 
vision,  which  measured  three  hundred  and  forty-nine  leagues, 
two  miles,  three  furlongs,  and  a  hand's  breadth  in  longitude. 

The  dress  of  these  women  is,  if  possible,  more  eccentric  and 
whimsical  than  their  deportment ;  and  they  take  an  inordinate 
pride  in  certain  ornaments  which  are  probably  derived  from 

their  savage  progenitors. A  woman  of  this  country,  dressed 

out  for  an  exhibition,  is  loaded  with  as  many  ornaments  as  a 
Circassian  slave  when  brought  out  for  sale.  Their  heads  are 
tricked  out  with  little  bits  of  horn  or  shell,  cut  into  fantastic 
shapes,  and  they  seem  to  emulate  each  other  in  the  number  of 
these  singular  baubles;— like  the  women  we  have  seen  in  our 
journeys  to  Aleppo,  who  cover  their  heads  with  the  entire  shell 
of  a  tortoise,  and,  thus  equipped,  are  the  envy  of  all  their  less 
fortunate  acquaintance.  They  also  decorate  their  necks  and 
ears  with  coral,  gold  chains,  and  glass  beads,  and  load  their 
fingers  with  a  variety  of  rings;  though,  I  must  confess,  I  have 
never  perceived  that  they  wear  any  in  their  noses — as  has  been 
affirmed  by  many  travellers.  We  have  heard  much  of  their 
painting  themselves  most  hideously,  and  making  use  of  bear's 
grease  in  great  profusion ;  but  this,  I  solemnly  assure  thee,  is  a 
misrepresentation ;  civilization,  no  doubt,  having  gradually  ex- 
tirpated these  nauseous  practices.  It  is  true,  I  have  seen  two 
or  three  of  these  females,  who  had  disguised  their  features  with 
paint ;  but  then  it  was  merely  to  give  a  tinge  of  red  to  their 
cheeks,  and  did  not  look  very  frightful ;  and  as  to  ointment, 
they  rarely  use  any  now,  except  occasionally  a  little  Grecian 
oil  for  their  hair,  which  gives  it  a  glossy,  greasy,  and,  they 
think,  very  comely  appearance.  The  last-mentioned  class  of 
females,  I  take  it  for  granted,  have  been  but  lately  caught, 
and  still  retain  strong  traits  of  their  original  savage  propen- 
sities. 

The  most  flagrant  and  inexcusable  fault,  however,  which  I 
find  in  these  lovely  savages,  is  the  shameless  and  abandoned 
exposure  of  their  persons.  Wilt  not  thou  suspect  me  of  exag- 
geration when  I  affirm;— wilt  thou  not  blush  for  them,  most 
discreet  Mussulman,  when  I  declare  to  thee,  that  they  are  so 
lost  to  all  sense  of  modesty,  as  to  expose  the  whole  of  their 


244  SALMAGUNDI. 

faces  from  their  forehead  to  the  chin,  and  they  even  go  abroad 
with  their  hands  uncovered !— Monstrous  indelicacy  !— 

But  what  I  am  going  to  disclose,  will,  doubtless,  appear  to 
thee  still  more  incredible.  Though  I  cannot  forbear  paying  a 
tribute  of  admiration  to  the  beautiful  faces  of  these  fair  infi- 
dels, yet  I  must  give  it  as  my  firm  opinion,  that  their  persons 
are  preposterously  unseemly.  In  vain  did  I  look  around  me, 
on  my  first  landing,  for  those  divine  forms  of  redundant  pro- 
portions, which  answer  to  the  true  standard  of  eastern  beauty ; 
— not  a  single  fat  fair  one  could  I  behold  among  the  multitudes 
that  thronged  the  streets ;  the  females  that  passed  in  review 
before  me,  tripping  sportively  along,  resembled  a  procession 
of  shadows,  returning  to  their  graves  at  the  crowing  of  the 
cock. 

This  meagreness  I  first  ascribed  to  their  excessive  volubility ; 
for  I  have  somewhere  seen  it  advanced  by  a  learned  doctor, 
that  the  sex  were  endowed  with  a  peculiar  activity  of  tongue, 
in  order  that  they  might  practise  talking  as  a  healthful  exer- 
cise, necessary  to  their  confined  and  sedentary  mode  of  life. 
This  exercise,  it  was  natural  to  suppose,  would  be  carried  to 
great  excess  in  a  logocracy.— "Too  true,"  thought  I,  "they 
have  converted,  what  was  undoubtedly  meant  as  a  beneficent 
gift,  into  a  noxious  habit,  that  steals  the  flesh  from  their  bones 
and  the  rose  from  their  cheeks— they  absolutely  talk  themselves 
thin!"  Judge  then  of  my  surprise  when  I  was  assured,  not 
long  since,  that  this  meagreness  was  considered  the  perfection 
of  personal  beauty,  and  that  many  a  lady  starved  herself,  with 

all  the  obstinate  perseverance  of  a  pious  dervise into  a  fine 

figure! "Nay,  more,"  said  my  informer,  "they  will  often 

sacrifice  their  healths  in  this  eager  pursuit  of  skeleton  beauty, 
and  drink  vinegar,  eat  pickles,  and  smoke  tobacco,  to  keep 
themselves  within  the  scanty  outlines  of  the  fashions." — Faugh ! 
Allah  preserve  me  from  such  beauties,  who  contaminate  their 
pure  blood  with  noxious  recipes ;  who  impiously  sacrifice  the 
best  gifts  of  Heaven,  to  a  preposterous  and  mistaken  vanity. 
Ere  long  I  shall  not  be  surprised  to  see  them  scarring  their 
faces  like  the  negroes  of  Congo,  flattening  their  noses  in  imita- 
tion of  the  Hottentots,  or  like  the  barbarians  of  Ab-al  Timar, 
distorting  their  lips  and  ears  out  of  all  natural  dimensions. 
Since  I  received  this  information,  I  cannot  contemplate  a  fine 
figure,  without  thinking  of  a  vinegar  cruet ;  nor  look  at  a  dash- 
ing belle,  without  fancying  her  a  pot  of  pickled  cucumbers! 
What  a  difference,  my  friend,  between  these  shades  and  the 


SALMAGUNDI.  246 

plump  beauties  of  Tripoli,— what  a  contrast  between  an  infidel 
fair  one  and  my  favourite  wife  Fatima,  whom  I  bought  by  the 
hundred  weight,  and  had  trundled  home  in  a  wheel-barrow ! 

But  enough  for  the  present ;  I  am  promised  a  faithful  ac- 
count of  the  arcana  of  a  lady's  toilette — a  complete  initiation 
into  the  arts,  mysteries,  spells,  and  potions ;  in  short,  the  whole 
chemical  process  by  which  she  reduces  herself  down  to  the 
most  fashionable  standard  of  insignificance;  together  with 
specimens  of  the  strait  waistcoats,  the  lacings,  the  bandages, 
and  the  various  ingenious  instruments  with  which  she  puts 
nature  to  the  rack,  and  tortures  herself  into  a  proper  figure  to 
be  admired. 

Farewell,  thou  sweetest  of  slave-drivers !  the  echoes  that  re- 
peat to  a  lover's  ear  the  song  of  his  mistress,  are  not  more 
soothing  than  tidings  from  those  we  love.  Let  thy  answer  to 
my  letters  be  speedy;  and  never,  I  pray  thee,  for  a  moment, 
cease  to  watch  over  the  prosperity  of  my  house,  and  the  wel- 
fare of  my  beloved  wives.  Let  them  want  for  nothing,  my 
friend;  but  feed  them  plentifully  on  honey,  boiled  rice,  and 
water  gruel ;  so  that  when  I  return  to  the  blessed  land  of  my 
fathers,  if  that  can  ever  be !  I  may  find  them  improved  in  size 
and  loveliness,  and  sleek  as  the  graceful  elephants  that  range 
the  green  valley  of  Abimar. 

Ever  thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 


SALMAGUNDI. 


NO.  XIX.-THURSDAY,  DEC.  31,  1807, 


PROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 

HAVING  returned  to  town,  and  once  more  formally  taken 
possession  of  my  elbow-chair,  it  behooves  me  to  discard  the 
rural  feelings,  and  the  rural  sentiments,  in  which  I  have  for 
some  time  past  indulged,  and  devote  myself  more  exclusively 
to  the  edification  of  the  town.  As  I  feel  at  this  moment  a 
chivalric  spark  of  gallantry  playing  around  my  heart,  and  one 
of  those  dulcet  emotions  of  cordiality,  which  an  old  bachelor 
will  sometimes  entertain  towards  the  divine  sex,  I  am  deter- 
mined to  gratify  the  sentiment  for  once,  and  devote  this  num- 
ber exclusively  to  the  ladies.  I  would  not,  however,  have  our 
fair  readers  imagine  that  we  wish  to  flatter  ourselves  into  their 
good  graces ;  devoutly  as  we  adore  them !— and  what  true  cava- 
lier does  not, — and  heartily  as  we  desire  to  flourish  in  the  mild 
sunshine  of  their  smiles,  yet  we  scorn  to  insinuate  ourselves 
into  their  favour ;  unless  it  be  as  honest  friends,  sincere  well- 
wishers,  and  disinterested  advisers.  If  in  the  course  of  this 
number  they  find  us  rather  prodigal  of  our  encomiums,  they 
will  have  the  modesty  to  ascribe  it  to  the  excess  of  their  own 
merits; — if  they  find  us  extremely  indulgent  to  their  faults, 
j  hey  will  impute  it  rather  to  the  superabundance  of  our  good- 
'  nature,  than  to  any  servile  and  illiberal  fear  of  giving  offence. 

The  following  letter  of  Mustapha  falls  in  exactly  with  the 
current  of  my  purpose.  As  I  have  before  mentioned  that  his 
letters  are  without  dates,  we  are  obliged  to  give  them  very 
irregularly,  without  any  regard  to  chronological  order. 

The  present  one  appears  to  have  been  written  not  long  after 
his  arrival,  and  antecedent  to  several  already  published.  It  is 
more  in  the  familiar  and  colloquial  style  than  the  others. 
Will  Wizard  declares  he  has  translated  it  with  fidelity,  ex- 
cepting that  he  has  omitted  several  remarks  on  the  waltz, 


8 ALMA  a  UNDL  247 

which  the  honest  Mussulman  eulogizes  with  great  enthusiasm; 
comparing  it  to  certain  voluptuous  dances  of  the  seraglio 
Will  regretted  exceedingly  that  the  indelicacy  of  several  of 
these  observations  compelled  their  total  exclusion,  as  he 
wishes  to  give  all  possible  encouragement  to  this  popular  and 
amiable  exhibition. 


LETTER  FROM    MTJSTAPHA  RUB-A-DUB    KELI  KHAN, 

TO  MTTLEY    HELIM  AL    RAGGI,    SURNAME!)    THE  AGREEABLE  RAGA- 
MUFFIN, CHIEF  MOUNTEBANK  AND  BUFFA-DANCER  TO  HIS  HIGH- 


THE  numerous  letters  which  I  have  written  to  our  friend  the 
slave-driver,  as  well  as  those  to  thy  kinsman  THE  SNORER,  and 
which,  doubtless,  were  read  to  thee,  honest  Muley,  have,  in  all 
probability,  awakened  thy  curiosity  to  know  further  partic- 
ulars concerning  the  manners  of  the  barbarians,  who  hold  me 
in  such  ignominious  captivity.  I  was  lately  at  one  of  their 
public  ceremonies,  which,  at  first,  perplexed  me  exceedingly 
as  to  its  object ;  but  as  the  explanations  of  a  friend  have  let 
me  somewhat  into  the  secret,  and  as  it  seems  to  bear  no  small 
analogy  to  thy  profession,  a  description  of  it  may  contribute 
to  thy  amusement,  if  not  to  thy  instruction. 

A  few  days  since,  just  as  I  had  finished  my  coffee,  and  was 
perfuming  my  whiskers,  preparatory  to  a  morning  walk,  I  was 
waited  upon  by  an  inhabitant  of  this  place,  a  gay  young  in- 
fidel who  has  of  late  cultivated  my  acquaintance.  He  pre- 
sented me  with  a  square  bit  of  painted  pasteboard,  which,  he 
informed  me,  would  entitle  me  to  admittance  to  the  CITY  AS- 
SEMBLY. Curious  to  know  the  meaning  of  a  phrase  which  was 
entirely  new  to  me,  I  requested  an  explanation;  when  my 
friend  informed  me  that  the  assembly  was  a  numerous  con- 
course of  young  people  of  both  sexes,  who,  on  certain  occa- 
sions, gathered  together  to  dance  about  a  large  room  with 
violent  gesticulation,  and  try  to  out-dress  each  other. — "In 
short,"  said  he,  "if  you  wish  to  see  the  natives  in  all  their 
glory,  there's  no  place  like  the  City  Assembly ;  so  you  must 
go  there,  and  sport  your  whiskers."  Though  the  matter  of 
iporting  my  whiskers  was  considerably  above  my  apprehen- 


248  SALMAGUNDI. 

gion,  yet  I  now  began,  as  I. thought,  to  understan  I  him.  I  had 
heard  of  the  war  dances  of  the  natives,  which  i  re  a  kind  of 
religious  institution,  and  had  little  doubt  but  that  this  must 
be  a  solemnity  of  the  kind— upon  a  prodigious  great  scale. 
Anxious  as  I  am  to  contemplate  these  strange  people  in  every 
situation,  I  willingly  acceded  to  his  proposal,  and,  to  be  the 
more  at  ease,  I  determined  to  lay  aside  my  Turkish  dress,  and 
appear  in  plain  garments  of  the  fashion  of  this  country;  as  is 
my  custom  whenever  I  wish  to  mingle  in  a  crowd  without  ex- 
citing the  attention  of  the  gaping  multitude. 

It  was  long  after  the  shades  of  night  had  fallen,  before  my 
friend  appeared  to  conduct  me  to  the  assembly.  "These  in- 
fidels," thought  I,  "shroud  themselves  in  mystery,  and  seek 
the  aid  of  gloom  and  darkness,  to  heighten  the  solemnity  of 
their  pious  orgies."  Resolving  to  conduct  myself  with  that 
decent  respect  which  every  stranger  owes  to  the  customs  of 
the  land  in  which  he  sojourns,  I  chastised  my  features  into  an 
expression  of  sober  reverence,  and  stretched  my  face  into  a 
degree  of  longitude  suitable  to-  the  ceremony  I  was  about  to 
witness.  Spite  of  myself,  I  felt  an  emotion  of  awe  stealing 
over  my  senses  as  I  approached  the  majestic  pile.  My  im- 
agination pictured  something  similar  to  a  descent  into  the 
cave  of  Dom-Daniel,  where  the  necromancers  of  the  East  are 
of  taught  their  infernal  arts.  I  entered  with  the  same  gravity 
demeanour  that  I  would  have  approached  the  holy  temple 
at  Mecca,  and  bowed  my  head  three  times  as  I  passed  the 
threshold.  "  Head  of  the  mighty  Amrou !"  thought  I,  on  being 
ushered  into  a  splendid  saloon,  "  what  a  display  is  here !  surely 
I  am  transported  to  the  mansions  of  the  Houris,  the  elysium  of 
the  faithful !" — How  tame  appeared  all  the  descriptions  of  en- 
chanted palaces  in  our  Arabian  poetry! — wherever  I  turned 
my  eyes,  the  quick  glances  01  beauty  dazzled  my  vision  and 
ravished  my  heart ;  lovely  virgins  fluttered  by  me,  darting 
imperial  looks  of  conquest,  or  beaming  such  smiles  of  invita- 
tion, as  did  Gabriel  when  he  beckoned  our  holy  prophet  to 
Heaven.  Shall  I  own  the  weakness  of  thy  friend,  good  Muley? 
— while  thus  gazing  on  the  enchanted  scene  before  me,  I,  for 
a  moment,  forgot  my  country;  and  even  the  memory  of  my 
three-and-twenty  wives  faded  from  my  heart ;  my  thoughts 
were  bewildered  and  led  astray  by  the  charms  of  these  bewitch- 
ing savages,  and  I  sunk,  for  a  while,  into  that  delicious  state  of 
mind,  where  the  senses,  all  enchanted,  and  all  striving  for 
mastery,  produce  an  endless  variety  of  tumultuous,  yet  pleas- 


SALMAGUNDI.  249 

ing  emotions.  Oh,  Muley,  never  shall  I  again  wonder  that  an 
infidel  should  prove  a  recreant  to  the  single  solitary  wife  allot- 
ted to  him,  when,  even  thy  friend,  armed  with  all  the  precepts 
of  Mahomet,  can  so  easily  prove  faithless  to  three-and-twenty ! 

"Whither  have  you  led  me?"  said  I,  at  length,  to  my  com- 
panion, "and  to  whom  do  these  beautiful  creatures  belong? 
Certainly  this  must  be  the  seraglio  of  the  grand  bashaw  of  the 
city,  and  a  most  happy  bashaw  must  he  be,  to  possess  treas- 
ures, which  even  his  highness  of  Tripoli  cannot  parallel." 
"Have  a  care,"  cried  my  companion,  "how  you  talk  about 
seraglios,  or  you'll  have  all  these  gentle  nymphs  about  your 
ears;  for  seraglio  is  a  word  which,  beyond  all  others,  they 
abhor; — most  of  them,"  continued  he,  "have  no  lord  and 
master,  but  come  here  to  catch  one— they're  in  the  market,  as 
we  term  it."  "Ah,  hah!"  said  I,  exultingly,  "  then  you  really 
have  a  fair,  or  slave-market,  such  as  we  have  in  the  east, 
where  the  faithful  are  provided  with  the  choicest  virgins  of 

Georgia  and  Circassia? by  our  glorious  sun  of  Afric,  but  I 

should  like  to  select  some  ten  or  a  dozen  wives  from  so  lovely 
an  assemblage !  Pray,  what  would  you  suppose  they  might  be 
bought  for?"— 

Before  I  could  receive  an  answer,  my  attention  was  attracted 
by  two  or  three  good-looking,  middle-sized  men,  who,  being 
dressed  in  black,  a  colour  universally  worn  in  this  country  by 
the  muftis  and  dervises,  I  immediately  concluded  to  be  high- 
priests,  and  was  confirmed  in  my  original  opinion  that  this  was 
a  religious  ceremony.  These  reverend  personages  are  entitled 
managers,  and  enjoy  unlimited  authority  in  the  assemblies, 
being  armed  with  swords,  with  which,  I  am  told,  they  would 
infallibly  put  any  lady  to  death  who  infringed  the  laws  of  the 
temple.  They  walked  round  the  room  with  great  solemnity, 
and,  with  an  air  of  profound  importance  and  mystery,  put  a 
little  piece  of  folded  paper  in  each  fair  hand,  which  I  concluded 
were  religious  talismans.  One  of  them  dropped  on  the  floor, 
whereupon  I  slily  put  my  foot  on  it,  and,  watching  an  oppor- 
tunity, picked  it  up  unobserved,  and  found  it  to  contain  somo 
unintelligible  words  and  the  mystic  number  9.  What  were  its 
virtues  I  know  not ;  except  that  I  put  it  in  my  pocket,  and 
have  hitherto  been  preserved  from  my  fit  of  the  lumbago, 
which  I  generally  have  about  this  season  of  the  year,  ever 
since  I  tumbled  into  the  well  of  Zim-zim  on  my  pilgrimage  to 
Mecca.  I  enclose  it  to  thee  in  this  letter,  presuming  it  to  b« 
particularly  serviceable  against  the  dangers  of  thy  profession. 


250  SALMAGUNDI. 

Shortly  after  the  distribution  of  these  talismans,  one  of  the 
high-priests  stalked  into  the  middle  of  the  room  with  great 
majesty,  and  clapped  his  hands  three  times;  a  loud  explosion 
of  music  succeeded  from  a  number  of  black,  yellow,  and  white 
musicians,  perched  in  a  kind  of  cage  over  the  grand  entrance. 
The  company  were  thereupon  thrown  into  great  confusion  and 
apparent  consternation. — They  hurried  to  and  fro  about  the 
room,  and  at  length  formed  themselves  into  little  groups  otj 
eight  persons,  half  male  and  half  female; — the  music  struck 
into  something  like  harmony,  and,  in  a  moment,  to  my  utter 
astonishment  and  dismay,  they  were  all  seized  with  what  I 
concluded  to  be  a  paroxysm  of  religious  phrenzy,  tossing  about 
their  heads  in  a  ludicrous  style  from  side  to  side,  and  indulging 
in  extravagant  contortions  of  figure; — new  throwing  their  heels 
into  the  air,  and  anon  whirling  round  with  the  velocity  of  the 
eastern  idolaters,  who  think  they  pay  a  grateful  homage  to  the 
eun  by  imitating  his  motions.  I  expected  every  moment  to 
see  them  fall  down  in  convulsions,  foam  at  the  mouth,  and 
shriek  with  fancied  inspiration.  As  usual  the  females  seemed 
most  fervent  in  their  religious  exercises,  and  performed  them 
•with  a  melancholy  expression  of  feature  that  was  peculiarly 
touching;  but  I  was  highly  gratified  by  the  exemplary  conduct 
of  several  male  devotees,  who,  though  their  gesticulations 
would  intimate  a  wild  merriment  of  the  feelings,  maintained 
throughout  as  inflexible  a  gravity  of  countenance  as  so  many 
monkeys  of  the  island  of  Borneo  at  their  anticks. 

"And  pray,"  said  I,  "who  is  the  divinity  that  presides  in 

this  splendid  mosque?" "The  divinity !— oh,  I  understand— 

you  mean  the  belle  of  the  evening;  we  have  a  new  one  every 
season:  the  one  at  present  in  fashion  is  that  lady  you  see 
yonder,  dressed  in  white,  with  pink  ribands,  and  a  crowd  of 
adorers  around  her."  "  Truly,"  cried  I,  "this  is  the  pleasant- 
est  deity  I  have  encountered  in  the  whole  course  of  my  travels ; 
— so  familiar,  so  condescending,  and  so  merry  withal ; — why, 
her  very  worshippers  take  her  by  the  hand,  and  whisper  in  her 

ear." "My  good  Mussulman,"  replied  my  friend,  with  great 

gravity,  "I  perceive  you  are  completely  in  an  error  concern- 
ing the  intent  of  this  ceremony.  You  are  now  in  a  place  of 
public  amusement,  not  of  public  worship;— and  the  pretty- 
looking  young  men  you  see  making  such  violent  and  grotesque 
distortions,  are  merely  indulging  in  our  favourite  amusement 
of  dancing."  "I  cry  your  mercy,"  exclaimed  I,  "these,  then, 
gxe  the  dancing  men  and  women  of  the  town,  such  as  we  have 


SALMAGUNDI.  251 

in  our  principal  cities,  who  hire  themselves  out  for  the  enter- 
tainment of  the  wealthy;— but,  pray  who  pays  them  for  this 

fatiguing  exhibition?" My  friend  regarded  me  for  a  moment 

with  an  air  of  whimsical  perplexity,  as  if  doubtful  whether  I 

was  in  jest  or  earnest. " Sblood,  man,"  cried  he,  "these  are 

some  of  our  greatest  people,  our  fashionables,  who  are  merely 

dancing  here  for  amusement." Dancing  for  amusement! 

think  of  that,  Muley !— thou,  whose  greatest  pleasure  is  to  chew 
opium,  smoke  tobacco,  loll  on  a  couch,  and  doze  thyself  into 

the  regions  of  the  Houris ! Dancing  for  amusement ! — shall 

I  never  cease  having  occasion  to  laugh  at  the  absurdities  of 
these  barbarians,  who  are  laborious  in  their  recreations,  and 
indolent  only  in  their  hours  of  business? Dancing  for  amuse- 
ment !— the  very  idea  makes  my  bones  ache,  and  I  never  think 
of  it  without  being  obliged  to  apply  my  handkerchief  to  my 
forehead,  and  fan  myself  into  some  degree  of  coolness. 

"And  pray,"  said  I,  when  my  astonishment  had  a  little 
subsided,  "do  these  musicians  also  toil  for  amusement,  or  are 
they  confined  to  their  cage,  like  birds,  to  sing  for  the  gratifica- 
tion of  others?— I  should  think  the  former  was  the  case,  from 
the  animation  with  which  they  flourish  their  elbows." — "Not 
so,"  replied  my  friend,  "they  are  well  paid,  which  is  no  more 
than  just,  for  I  assure  you  they  are  the  most  important  per- 
sonages in  the  room.  The  fiddler  puts  the  whole  assembly  in 
motion,  and  directs  their  movements,  like  the  master  of  a  pup- 
pet-show, who  sets  all  his  pasteboard  gentry  kicking  by  a  jerk 
of  his  fingers : — there,  now — look  at  that  dapper  little  gentle- 
man yonder,  who  appears  to  be  suffering  the  pangs  of  disloca- 
tion in  every  limb :  he  is  the  most  expert  puppet  in  the  room, 
and  performs,  not  so  much  for  his  own  amusement,  as  for  that 
of  the  by-standers." — Just  then  the  little  gentleman,  having 
finished  one  of  his  paroxysms  of  activity,  seemed  to  be  looking 
round  for  applause  from  the  spectators.  Feeling  myself  really 
much  obliged  to  him  for  his  exertions,  I  made  him  a  low  bow 
of  thanks,  but  nobody  followed  my  example,  which  I  thought 
a  singular  instance  of  ingratitude. 

Thou  wilt  perceive,  friend  Muley,  that  the  dancing  of  these 
barbarians  is  totally  different  from  the  science  professed  by 
thee  in  Tripoli ; — the  country,  in  fact,  is  afflicted  by  numerous 
epidemical  diseases,  which  travel  from  house  to  house,  from 
city  to  city,  with  the  regularity  of  a  caravan.  Among  these, 
the  most  formidable  is  this  dancing  mania,  which  prevails 
chiefly  throughout  the  winter.  It  at  first  seized  on  a  few  peo- 


252  SALMAGUNDI. 

pie  of  fashion,  and  being  indulged  in  moderation,  was  a  cheerful 
exercise ;  but  in  a  little  time,  by  quick  advances,  it  infected  all 
classes  of  the  community,  and  became  a  raging  epidemic. 
The  doctors  immediately,  as  is  their  usual  way,  instead  of 
devising  a  remedy,  fell  together  by  the  ears,  to  decide  whether 
it  was  native  or  imported,  and  the  sticklers  for  the  latter 
opinion  traced  it  to  a  cargo  of  trumpery  from  France,  as  they 
had  before  hunted  down  the  yellow-fever  to  a  bag  of  coffee 
from  the  West  Indies.  What  makes  this  disease  the  more 
formidable  is,  that  the  patients  seem  infatuated  with  their 
malady,  abandon  themselves  to  its  unbounded  ravages,  and 
expose  their  persons  to  wintry  storms  and  midnight  airs,  more 
fatal,  in  this  capricious  climate,  than  the  withering  Simoom 
blast  of  the  desert. 

I  know  not  whether  it  is  a  sight  most  wViimbical  or  melan- 
choly, to  witness  a  fit  of  this  dancing  malady.  The  lady  hops 
up  to  the  gentleman,  who  stands  at  the  distance  of  about  three 
paces,  and  then  capers  back  again  to  her  place ; — the  gentle- 
man of  course  does  the  same ;  then  they  skip  one  way,  then 
they  jump  another; — then  they  turn  their  backs  to  each  other; 
— then  they  seize  each  other  and  shake  hands;  then  they  whirl 
round,  and  throw  themselves  into  a  thousand  grotesque  and 
ridiculous  attitudes; — sometimes  on  one  leg,  sometimes  on  the 
other,  and  sometimes  on  no  leg  at  all ;— and  this  they  call  ex- 
hibiting the  graces !— By  the  nineteen  thousand  capers  of  the 
great  mountebank  of  Damascus,  but  these  graces  must  be 
something  like  the  crooked-backed  dwarf  Shabrac,  who  is 
sometimes  permitted  to  amuse  his  highness  by  imitating  the 
tricks  of  a  monkey.  These  fits  continue  at  short  intervals 
from  four  to  five  hours,  till  at  last  the  lady  is  led  off,  faint, 
languid,  exhausted,  and  panting,  to  her  carriage;  —  rattles 
home;— passes  a  night  of  feverish  restlessness,  cold  perspira- 
tions and  troubled  sleep ; — rises  late  next  morning,  if  she  rises 
at  all,  is  nervous,  petulant,  or  a  prey  to  languid  indifference 
all  day ; — a  mere  household  spectre,  neither  giving  nor  receiv- 
ing enjoyment;  in  the  evening  hurries  to  another  dance;  re- 
ceives an  unnatural  exhilaration  from  the  lights,  the  music, 
the  crowd,  and  the  unmeaning  bustle ; — flutters,  sparkles,  and 
blooms  for  a  while,  until  the  transient  delirium  being  past,  the 
infatuated  maid  droops  and  languishes  into  apathy  again; — is 
again  led  off  to  her  carriage,  and  the  next  morning  rises  to  go 
through  exactly  the  same  joyless  routine. 

And  yet,  wilt  thou  believe  it,  my  dear  Raggi,  these  are 


SALMAGUNDI.  253 

rational  beings:  nay  more,  their  countrymen  would  fain  per- 
suade me  they  have  souls ! — Is  it  not  a  thousand  times  to  be 
lamented  that  beings,  endowed  with  charms  that  might  warm 
even  the  frigid  heart  of  a  dervise ;— with  social  and  endearing 
powers,  that  would  render  them  the  joy  and  pride  of  the 
harem ; — should  surrender  themselves  to  a  habit  of  heartless 
dissipation,  which  preys  imperceptibly  on  the  roses  of  the 
cheek; — which  robs  the  eye  of  its  lustre,  the  mouth  of  its 
dimpled  smile,  the  spirits  of  their  cheerful  hilarity,  and  the 
limbs  of  their  elastic  vigour ; — which  hurries  them  off  in  the 
spring-time  of  existence ;  or,  if  they  survive,  yields  to  the  arms 
of  a  youthful  bridegroom  a  frame  wrecked  in  the  storms  of 
dissipation,  and  struggling  with  premature  infirmity.  Alas, 
Muley !  may  I  not  ascribe  to  this  cause,  the  number  of  little 
old  women  I  meet  with  in  this  country,  from  the  age  of  eigh- 
teen to  eight-and-twenty? 

In  sauntering  down  the  room,  my  attention  was  attracted 
by  a  smoky  painting,  which,  on  nearer  examination,  I  found 
consisted  of  two  female  figures  crowning  a  bust  with  a  wreath 
of  laurel.  "This,  I  suppose,"  cried  I,  "was  some  favourite 
dancer  in  his  time?" — "Oh,  no,"  replied  my  friend,  "he  was 
only  a  general. "—"Good;  but  then  he  must  have  been  great 
at  a  cotillion,  or  expert  at  a  fiddlestick — or  why  is  his  memorial 
here?" — "  Quite  the  contrary,"  answered  my  companion,  "his- 
tory makes  no  mention  of  his  ever  having  flourished  a  fiddle- 
stick, or  figured  in  a  single  dance.  You  have  no  doubt,  heard 
of  him;  he  was  the  illustrious  WASHINGTON,  the  father  and 
deliverer  of  his  country ;  and,  as  our  nation  is  remarkable  for 
gratitude  to  great  men,  it  always  does  honour  to  their  mem- 
ory, by  placing  their  monuments  over  the  doors  of  taverns,  or 
in  the  corners  of  dancing-rooms." 

From  thence  my  friend  and  I  strolled  into  a  small  apart- 
ment adjoining  the  grand  saloon,  where  I  beheld  a  number  of 
grave-looking  persons  with  venerable  gray  heads,  but  without 
beards,  which  I  thought  very  unbecoming,  seated  around  a 
table,  studying  hieroglyphics ;— I  approached  them  with  rever- 
ence as  so  many  magi,  or  learned  men,  endeavouring  to  expound 
the  mysteries  of  Egyptian  science:  several  of  them  threw 
down  money,  which  I  supposed  was  a  reward  proposed  for 
some  great  discovery,  when  presently  one  of  them  spread  his 
hieroglyphics  on  the  table,  exclaimed  triumphantly,  "two 
bullets  and  a  bragger!"  and  swept  all  the  money  into  his 
pocket.  He  has  discovered  a  key  to  the  hieroglyphics,  thought 


254  SALMAGUNDI. 

I;— happy  mortal!  no  doubt  his  name  will  be  immortalized 
Willing,  however,  to  be  satisfied,  I  looked  round  on  my  com- 
panion with  an  inquiring  eye— he  understood  me,  and  in- 
formed me,  that  these  were  a  company  of  friends,  who  had 
met  together  to  win  each  other's  money,  and  be  agreeable. 
"Is  that  all?"  exclaimed  I,  "why,  then,  I  pray  you,  make 
way,  and  let  me  escape  from  this  temple  of  abominations,  or 
who  knows  but  these  people,  who  meet  together  to  toil,  worry, 
and  fatigue  themselves  to  death,  and  give  it  the  name  of  pleas- 
ure ; — and  who  win  each  other's  money  by  way  of  being  agree- 
able ; — may  some  one  of  them  take  a  liking  to  me,  and  pick  my 
pocket,  or  break  my  head  in  a  paroxysm  of  hearty  good- will!" 
Thy  friend,  MUSTAPHA. 


BY  ANTHONY  EVERGREEN,  GENT. 

Nunc  est  bibendum,  nunc  pede  libero 

Pulsanda  tellus.  —Hor. 

Now  is  the  tyme  for  wine  and  myrthf ul  sportes. 
For  dance,  and  song,  and  disportes  of  syche  sortes. 

— Link.  Fid. 

THE  winter  campaign  has  opened.  Fashion  has  summoned 
her  numerous  legions  at  the  sound  of  trumpet,  tamborine,  and 
drum ;  and  all  the  harmonious  minstrelsy  of  the  orchestra,  to 
hasten  from  the  dull,  silent,  and  insipid  glades  and  groves, 
where  they  have  vegetated  during  the  summer;  recovering 
from  the  ravages  of  the  last  winter's  campaign.  Our  fair  onee 
have  hurried  to  town,  eager  to  pay  their  devotions  to  this  tute- 
lary deity,  and  to  make  an  offering  at  her  shrine  of  the  few 
pale  and  transient  roses  they  gathered  in  their  healthful  re- 
treat. The  fiddler  rosins  his  bow,  the  card-table  devotee  is 
shuffling  her  pack ;  the  young  ladies  are  industriously  spang- 
ling muslins;  and  the  tea-party  heroes  are  airing  their  cha- 
peaux  bras,  and  pease-blossom  breeches,  to  prepare  for  figur- 
ing in  the  gay  circle  of  smiles,  and  graces,  and  beauty.  Now 
the  fine  lady  forgets  her  country  friends  in  the  hurry  of 
fashionable  engagements,  or  receives  the  simple  intruder,  who 
has  f  oolishly  accepted  her  thousand  pressing  invitations,  with 
such  politeness  that  the  poor  soul  determines  never  to  come 
again; — now  the  gay  buck,  who  erst  figured  at  Ballstors  arid 


8 ALMA  G  UNDL  255 

quaffed  the  pure  spring,  exchanges  the  sparkling  water  for 
still  more  sparkling  champaign ;  and  deserts  the  nymph  of  the 
fountain,  to  enlist  under  the  standard  of  jolly  Bacchus.  In 
short,  now  is  the  important  time  of  the  year  in  which  to  har- 
angue the  bon-ton  reader ;  and,  like  some  ancient  hero  in  front 
of  the  battle,  to  spirit  him  up  to  deeds  of  noble  daring,  or  still 
more  noble  suffering,  in  the  ranks  of  fashionable  warfare. 

Such,  indeed,  has  been  my  intention;  but  the  number  of 
cases  which  have  lately  come  before  me,  and  the  variety  of 
complaints  I  have  received  from  a  crowd  of  honest  and  well- 
meaning  correspondents,  call  for  more  immediate  attention. 
A  host  of  appeals,  petitions,  and  letters  of  advice  are  now  be- 
fore me ;  and  I  believe  the  shortest  way  to  satisfy  my  peti- 
tioners, memorialists,  and  advisers,  will  be  to  publish  their 
letters,  as  I  suspect  the  object  of  most  of  them  is  merely  to  get 
into  print. 


TO  ANTHONY  EVERGREEN,  GENT. 

Sir: — As  you  appear  to  have  taken  to  yourself  the  trouble 
of  meddling  in  the  concerns  of  the  beau  monde,  I  take  the 
liberty  of  appealing  to  you  on  a  subject  which,  though  con- 
sidered merely  as  a  very  good  joke,  has  occasioned  me  great 
vexation  and  expense.  You  must  know  I  pride  myself  on 
being  very  useful  to  the  ladies :  that  is,  I  take  boxes  for  them 
at  the  theatre,  go  shopping  with  them,  supply  them  with 
bouquets,  and  furnish  them  with  novels  from  the  circulating 
library.  In  consequence  of  these  attentions,  I  am  become  a 
great  favourite,  and  there  is  seldom  a  party  going  on  in  the 
city  without  my  having  an  invitation.  The  grievance  I  have 
to  mention  is  the  exchange  of  hats  which  takes  place  on  these 
occasions;  for,  to  speak  my  mind  freely,  there  are  certain 
young  gentlemen  who  seem  to  consider  fashionable  parties  as 
mere  places  to  barter  old  clothes ;  and  I  am  informed  that  a 
number  of  them  manage,  by  this  great  system  of  exchange,  to 
keep  their  crowns  decently  covered  without  their  hatter  suffer- 
ing in  the  least  by  it. 

It  was  but  lately  that  I  went  to  a  private  ball  with  a  new 
hat,  and  on  returning,  in  the  latter  part  of  the  evening,  and 
asking  for  it,  the  scoundrel  of  a  servant,  with  a  broad  grin, 
informed  me  that  the  new  hats  had  been  dealt  out  half  an  hour 
since,  and  they  were  then  on  the  third  quality ;  and  I  was  in 


256  SALMAGUNDI. 

the  end  obliged  to  borrow  a  young  lady's  beaver  rather  than 
go  home  with  any  of  the  ragged  remnants  that  were  left. 

Now  I  would  wish  to  know  if  there  is  no  possibility  of  hav- 
ing these  offenders  punished  by  law;  and  whether  it  would 
not  be  advisable  for  ladies  to  mention  in  their  cards  of  invita- 
tion, as  a  postscript,  "stealing  of  hats  and  shawls  positively 
prohibited."  At  any  rate  I  would  thank  you,  Mr.  Evergreen, 
to  discountenance  the  thing  totally,  by  publishing  in  your 
paper  that  stealing  a  hat  is  no  joke. 

Your  humble  servant,  WALTER  WITHERS. 

My  correspondent  is  informed  that  the  police  have  deter- 
mined to  take  this  matter  into  consideration,  and  have  set 
apart  Saturday  mornings  for  the  cognizance  of  fashionable 
larcenies. 

MR.  EVERGREEN — Sir: — Do  you  think  a  married  woman  may 
lawfully  put  her  husband  right  in  a  story,  before  strangers, 
when  she  knows  bim  to  be  in  the  wrong;  and  can  any  thing 
authorize  a  wife  in  the  exclamation  of — "lord,  my  dear,  how 
can  you  say  so?"  MARGARET  TIMSON. 

DEAR  ANTHONY:  — Going  down  Broadway  this  morning  in  a 
great  hurry,  I  ran  full  against  an  object  which  at  first  put  me 
to  a  prodigious  nonplus.  Observing  it  to  be  dressed  in  a  man's 
hat,  a  cloth  overcoat  and  spatterdashes,  I  framed  my  apology 
accordingly,  exclaiming,  "my  dear  sir,  I  ask  ten  thousand 
pardons ; — I  assure  you,  sir,  it  was  entirely  accidental : — pray 
excuse  me,  sir,"  &c.  At  every  one  of  these  excuses  the  thing 
answered  me  with  a  downright  laugh ;  at  which  I  was  not  a 
little  surprised,  until,  on  resorting  to  my  pocket-glass,  I  dis- 
covered that  it  was  no  other  than  my  old  acquaintance,  Cla- 
rinda  Trollop ; — I  never  was  more  chagrined  in  my  life ;  for 
being  an  old  bachelor,  I  like  to  appear  as  young  as  possible, 
and  am  always  boasting  of  the  goodness  of  my  eyes.  I  beg  of 
you,  Mr.  Evergreen,  if  you  have  any  f eeling  for  your  contem- 
poraries, to  discourage  this  hermaphrodite  mode  of  dress,  for 
really,  if  the  fashion  take,  we  poor  bachelors  will  be  utterly  at 
a  loss  to  distinguish  a  woman  from  a  man.  Pray  let  me  know 
your  opinion,  sir,  whether  a  lady  who  wears  a  man's  hat  and 
spatterdashes  before  marriage,  may  not  be  apt  to  usurp  some 
other  article  of  his  dress  afterwards. 

Your  humble  servantt  KODERIC  WORRY. 


'  SALMAGUNDI.  257 

DEAR  MR.  EVERGREEN:— The  other  night,  at  Richard  the 
Third,  I  sat  behind  three  gentlemen,  who  talked  very  loud  on 
the  subject  of  Richard's  wooing  Lady  Ann  directly  in  the  face 
of  his  crimes  against  that  lady.  One  of  them  declared  such  an 
unnatural  scene  would  be  hooted  at  in  China.  Pray,  sir,  was 
that  Mr.  Wizard?  SELINA  BADGER. 

P.  S.  The  gentleman  I  allude  to  had  a  pocket-glass,  and 
wore  his  hair  fastened  behind  by  a  tortoise-shell  comb,  with 
two  teeth  wanting. 

MR.  EVERGRIN— Sir:— Being  a  little  curious  in  the  affairs  of 
the  toilette,  I  was  much  interested  by  the  sage  Mustapha's 
remarks,  in  your  last  number,  concerning  the  art  of  manu- 
facturing a  modern  fine  lady.  I  would  have  you  caution  your 
fair  readers,  however,  to  be  very  careful  in  the  management 
of  their  machinery;  as  a  deplorable  accident  happened  last 
assembly,  in  consequence  of  the  architecture  of  a  lady's  figure 
not  being  sufficiently  strong.  In  the  middle  of  one  of  the 
cotillions,  the  company  was  suddenly  alarmed  by  a  tre- 
mendous crash  at  the  lower  end  of  the  room,  and,  on  crowding 
to  the  place,  discovered  that  it  was  a  fine  figure  which  had 
unfortunately  broken  down  from  too  great  exertion  in  a 
pigeon  wing.  By  great  good  luck  I  secured  the  corset,  which 
I  carried  home  in  triumph;  and  the  next  morning  had  it 
publicly  dissected,  and  a  lecture  read  on  it  at  Surgeon's  Hall. 
I  have  since  commenced  a  dissertation  on  the  subject;  in 
which  I  shall  treat  of  the  superiority  of  those  figures  manu- 
factured by  steel,  stay-tape,  and  whale-bone,  to  those  formed 
by  dame  nature.  I  shall  show  clearly  that  the  Venus  de 
Medicis  has  no  pretension  to  beauty  of  form,  as  she  never 
wore  stays,  and  her  waist  is  in  exact  proportion  to  the  rest  of 
her  body.  I  shall  inquire  into  the  mysteries  of  compression, 
and  how  tight  a  figure  can  be  laced  without  danger  of  faint- 
ing; and  whether  it  would  not  be  advisable  for  a  lady,  when 
dressing  for  a  ball,  to  be  attended  by  the  family  physician,  as 
culprits  are  when  tortured  on  the  rack,  to  know  how  much 
more  nature  will  endure.  I  shall  prove  that  ladies  have  dis- 
covered the  secret  of  that  notorious  juggler,  who  offered  to 
squeeze  himself  into  a  quart  bottle ;  and  I  shall  demonstrate, 
to  the  satisfaction  of  every  fashionable  reader,  that  there  is  a 
degree  of  heroism  in  purchasing  a  preposterously  slender 
waisi  at  the  expense  of  an  old  age  of  decrepitude  and  rheu- 


258  SALMAGUNDI. 

matics.  This  dissertation  shall  be  published  as  soon  as  fin- 
ished, and  distributed  gratis  among  boarding-school  madams 
and  all  worthy  matrons  who  are  ambitious  that  their 
daughters  should  sit  strait,  move  like  clock-work,  and  "do 
credit  to  their  bringing  up."  In  the  mean  time,  I  have  hung 
up  the  skeleton  of  the  corset  in  the  museum,  beside  a  dissected 
weazle  and  a  stuffed  alligator,  where  it  may  be  inspected  by 
all  those  naturalists  who  are  fond  of  studying  the  ' '  human 
form  divine."  Yours,  &c.  JULIAN  COGNOUS. 

P.S.  By  accurate  calculation  I  find  it  is  dangerous  for  a 
fine  figure,  when  full  dressed,  to  pronounce  a  word  of  more 
than  three  syllables.  Fine  Figure,  if  in  love,  may  indulge  in 
a  gentle  sigh;  but  a  sob  is  hazardous.  Fine  Figure  may  smile 
with  safety,  may  even  venture  as  far  as  a  giggle,  but  must 
never  risk  a  loud  laugh.  Figure  must  never  play  the  part  of 
a  confidante;  as  at  a  tea-party  some  fine  evenings  since,  a 
young  lady,  whose  unparalleled  impalpability  of  waist  was  the 
envy  of  the  drawing-room,  burst  with  an  important  secret, 
and  had  three  ribs— of  her  corset !— fractured  on  the  spot. 


MR.  EVERGREEN — Sir: — I  am  one  of  those  industrious  gem- 
men  who  labour  hard  to  obtain  currency  in  the  fashionable 
world.  I  have  went  to  great  expense  in  little  boots,  short 
vests,  and  long  breeches ; — my  coat  is  regularly  imported,  per 
stage,  from  Philadelphia,  duly  insured  against  all  risks,  and 
my  boots  are  smuggled  from  Bond-street.  I  have  lounged  in 
Broadway  with  one  of  the  most  crooked  walking-sticks  I  could 
procure,  and  have  sported  a  pair  of  salmon-coloured  small- 
clothes, and  flame-coloured  stockings,  at  every  concert  and 
ball  to  which  I  could  purchase  admission.  Being  affeared 
that  I  might  possibly  appear  to  less  advantage  as  a  pedestrian. 
in  consequence  of  my  being  rather  short  and  a  little  bandy,  I 
have  lately  hired  a  tall  horse  with  cropped  ears  and  a  cocked 
tail,  on  which  I  have  joined  the  cavalcade  of  pretty  gemmen, 
who  exhibit  bright  stirrups  every  fine  morning  in  Broadway 
and  take  a  canter  of  two  miles  per  day,  at  the  rate  of  three 
hundred  dollars  per  annum.  But,  sir,  all  this  expense  has 
been  laid  out  in  vain,  for  I  can  scarcely  get  a  partner  at  an 
assembly,  or  an  invitation  to  a  tea-party.  Pray,  sir,  inform 
me  what  more  I  can  do  to  acquire  admission  into  the  true 
stylish  circles,  and  whether  it  would  not  be  advisable  to 


8ALMAG  ONDL  259 

charter  a  curricle  for  a  month  and  have  my  cypher  put  on  it, 
as  is  done  by  certain  dashers  of  my  acquaintance. 

Yours  to  serve,  MALVOLIO  DUBSTER. 


TEA:  A  POEM. 

PROM  THE  MILL  OP  PINDAK  COCKLOFT,   ESQ. 

And  earnestly  recommended  to  the  attention  of  all  Maidens  oj 
a  certain  age. 

OLD  time,  my  dear  girls,  is  a  knave  who  in  truth 
From  the  fairest  of  beauties  will  pilfer  their  youth; 
Who,  by  constant  attention  and  wily  deceit, 
For  ever  is  coaxing  some  grace  to  retreat ; 
And,  like  crafty  seducer,  with  subtle  approach, 
The  further  indulged,  will  still  further  encroach. 
Since  this  "  thief  of  the  world"  has  made  off  with  your  bloom, 
And  left  you  some  score  of  stale  years  in  its  room- 
Has  depriv'd  you  of  all  those  gay  dreams,  that  would  dance 
In  your  brains  at  fifteen,  and  your  bosoms  entrance ; 
And  has  forc'd  you  almost  to  renounce,  in  despair, 
The  hope  of  a  husband's  affection  and  care — 
Since  such  is  the  case,  and  a  case  rather  hardl 
Permit  one  who  holds  you  in  special  regard, 
To  furnish  such  hints  in  your  loveless  estate 
As  may  shelter  your  names  from  distraction  and  hate. 
Too  often  our  maidens,  grown  aged,  I  ween, 
Indulge  to  excess  in  the  workings  of  spleen ; 
And  at  times,  when  annoy'd  by  the  slights  of  mankind, 
Work  off  their  resentment — by  speaking  their  mind: 
Assemble  together  in  snuff -taking  clan, 
And  hold  round  the  tea-urn  a  solemn  divan. 
A  convention  of  tattling— a  tea  party  hight, 
Which,  like  meeting  of  witches,  is  brew'd  up  at  night : 
Where  each  matron  arrives,  fraught  with  tales  of  surprise, 
With  knowing  suspicion  and  doubtful  surmise ; 
Like  the  broomstick  whirl'd  hags  that  appear  in  Macbeth, 
Each  bearing  some  relic  of  venom  or  death, 
"  To  stir  up  the  toil  and  to  double  the  trouble, 
That  fire  may  burn,  and  that  cauldron  may  bubble." 


260  SALMAGUNDI. 

When  the  party  commences,  all  starch'd  and  all  glum, 
They  talk  of  the  weather,  their  corns,  or  sit  mum: 
They  will  tell  you  of  cambric  of  ribands,  of  lace, 
How  cheap  they  were  sold — and  will  name  you  the  place. 
They  discourse  of  their  colds,  and  they  hem  and  they  cough, 
And  complain  of  their  servants  to  pass  the  time  off; 
Or  list  to  the  tale  of  some  doating  mamma 
How  her  ten  weeks'  old  baby  will  laugh  and  say  taal 

But  tea,  that  enlivener  of  wit  and  of  soul- 
More  loquacious  by  far  than  the  draughts  of  the  bowl, 
Soon  unloosens  the  tongue  and  enlivens  the  mind, 
And  enlightens  their  eyes  to  the  faults  of  mankind. 

'Twas  thus  with  the  Pythia,  who  served  at  the  fount, 
That  flow'd  near  the  far-famed  Parnassian  mount, 
While  the  steam  was  inhal'd  of  the  sulphuric  spring, 
Her  vision  expanded,  her  fancy  took  wing; — 
By  its  aid  she  pronounced  the  oracular  will    . 
That  Apollo  commanded  his  sons  to  f  ufill. 
But  alas!  the  sad  vestal,  performing  the  rite, 
Appear'd  like  a  demon— terrific  to  sight. 

E'en  the  priests  of  Apollo  averted  their  eyes, 
And  the  temple  of  Delphi  resounded  her  cries, 
But  quitting  the  nymph  of  the  tripod  of  yore, 
We  return  to  the  dames  of  the  tea-pot  once  more. 

In  harmless  chit-chat  an  acquaintance  they  roast, 
And  serve  up  a  friend,  as  they  serve  up  a  toast; 
Some  gentle  faux  pas,  or  some  female  mistake, 
Is  like  sweetmeats  delicious,  or  relished  as  cake ; 
A  bit  of  broad  scandal  is  like  a  dry  crust, 
It  would  stick  in  the  throat,  so  they  butter  it  first 
With  a  little  affected  good-nature,  and  cry 
"  No  body  regrets  the  thing  deeper  than  I." 
|  Our  young  ladies  nibble  a  good  name  in  play 
As  for  pastime  they  nibble  a  biscuit  away: 
While  with  shrugs  and  surmises,  the  toothless  old  dame, 
As  she  mumbles  a  crust  she  will  mumble  a  name. 
And  as  the  fell  sisters  astonished  the  Scot, 
In  predicting  of  Banquo's  descendants  the  lot, 
Making  shadows  of  kings,  amid  flashes  of  light, 
To  appear  in  array  and  to  frown  in  his  sight, 
So  they  conjure  up  spectres  all  hideous  in  hue, 
Which,  as  shades  of  their  neighbours,  are  passed  in  review. 


SALMAGUNDI.  261 

The  wives  of  our  cits  of  inferior  degree, 
Will  soak  up  repute  in  a  little  bohea; 
The  potion  is  vulgar,  and  vulgar  the  slang 
With  which  on  their  neighbours'  defects  they  harangue; 
But  the  scandal  improves,  a  refinement  in  wrong! 
As  our  matrons  are  richer  and  rise  to  souchong. 
With  hyson -a  beverage  that's  still  more  refin'd, 
Our  ladies  of  fashion  enliven  their  mind,  l 

And  by  nods,  innuendoes,  and  hints,  and  what  not, 
Reputations  and  tea  send  together  to  pot. 
While  madam  in  cambrics  and  laces  array'd, 
With  her  plate  and  her  liveries  in  splendid  parade, 
Will  drink  in  imperial  a  friend  at  a  sup, 
Or  in  gunpowder  blow  them  by  dozens  all  up. 
Ah  me !  how  I  groan  when  with  full  swelling  sail 
Wafted  stately  along  by  the  favouring  gale, 
A  China  ship  proudly  arrives  in  our  bay, 
Displaying  her  streamers  and  blazing  away. 
Oh !  more  fell  to  our  port,  is  the  cargo  she  bears. 
Than  grenadoes,  torpedoes,  or  warlike  affairs : 
Each  chest  is  a  bombshell  thrown  into  our  town 
To  shatter  repute  and  bring  character  down. 

Ye  Samquas,  ye  Chinquas,  Chouquas,  so  free, 
Who  discharge  on  our  coast  your  cursed  quantums  of  tea, 
Oh  think,  as  ye  waft  the  sad  weed  fBom  your  strand, 
Of  the  plagues  and  vexations  ye  deal  to  our  land. 
As  the  Upas'  dread  breath,  o'er  the  plain  where  it  flies, 
Empoisons  and  blasts  each  green  blade  that  may  rise, 
So,  wherever  the  leaves  of  your  shrub  find  their  way, 
The  social  affections  soon  suffer  decay: 
Like  to  Java's  drear  waste  they  embarren  the  heart, 
Till  the  blossoms  of  love  and  of  friendship  depart. 

Ah,  ladies,  and  was  it  by  heaven  design'd, 
That  ye  should  be  merciful,  loving  and  kind ! 
Did  it  form  you  like  angels,  and  send  you  below 
To  prophesy  peace — to  bid  charity  flow ! 
And  have  ye  thus  left  your  primeval  estate, 
And  wandered  so  widely— so  strangely  of  late? 
Alas !  the  sad  cause  I  too  plainly  can  see — 
These  evils  have  all  come  upon  you  through  tea ! 
Cursed  weed,  that  can  make  our  fair  spirits  resign 
The  character  mild  of  their  mission  divine-, 


262  SALMAGUNDI. 

That  can  blot  from  their  bosoms  that  tenderness  true, 

Which  from  female  to  female  for  ever  is  due ! 

Oh,  how  nice  is  the  texture — how  fragile  the  frame 

Of  that  delicate  blossom,  a  female's  fair  fame ! 

'Tis  the  sensitive  plant,  it  recoils  from  the  breath 

And  shrinks  from  the  touch  as  if  pregnant  with  death. 

How  often,  how  often,  has  innocence  sigh'd ; 

Has  beauty  been  reft  of  its  honour— its  pride; 

Has  virtue,  though  pure  as  an  angel  of  light, 

Been  painted  as  dark  as  a  demon  of  night: 

All  offer'd  up  victims,  an  auto  dafe, 

At  the  gloomy  cabals— the  dark  orgies  of  tea! 

If  I,  in  the  remnant  that's  left  me  of  life, 
Am  to  suffer  the  torments  of  slanderous  strife, 
Let  me  fall,  I  implore,  in  the  slang- whanger's  claw, 
Where  the  evil  is  open,  and  subject  to  law. 
Not  nibbled,  and  mumbled,  and  put  to  the  rack, 
By  the  sly  underminings  of  tea  party  clack: 
Condemn  me,  ye  gods,  to  a  newspaper  roasting, 
But  spare  me!  oh,  spare  me,  a  tea  table  toasting! 


NO.  XX.-MONDAY,  JANUARY  25,  1808. 


FROM  MY  ELBOW-CHAIR. 

Extremum  hunc  mihi  concede  laborem.    VIRG. 
"  Soft  you,  a  word  or  two  before  we  part." 

IN  this  season  of  festivity,  when  the  gate  of  time  swings 
open  on  its  hinges,  and  an  honest  rosy-faced  New- Year  comeg 
waddling  in,  like  a  jolly  fat-sided  alderman,  loaded  with  good 
wishes,  good  humour,  and  minced  pies ;— at  this  joyous  era  it 
has  been  the  custom,  from  time  immemorial,  in  this  ancient 
and  respectable  city,  for  periodical  writers,  from  reverend, 
grave,  and  potent  essayists  like  ourselves!  down  to  the 
humble  but  industrious  editors  of  magazines,  reviews,  and 
newspapers,  to  tender  their  subscribers  the  compliments  of 
the  season;  and  when  they  have  slily  thawed  their  hearts  with 


SALMAGUNDI.  263 

a  little  of  the  sunshine  of  flattery,  to  conclude  by  delicately 
dunning  them  for  their  arrears  of  subscription  money.  In 
like  manner  the  carriers  of  newspapers,  who  undoubtedly 
belong  to  the  ancient  and  honourable  order  of  literati,  do  regu- 
larly, at  the  commencement  of  the  year,  salute  their  patrons 
with  abundance  of  excellent  advice,  conveyed  in  exceeding 
good  poetry,  for  which  the  aforesaid  good-natured  patrons  are 
well  pleased  to  pay  them  exactly  twenty-five  cents.  In  walk- 
ing the  streets  I  am  every  day  saluted  with  good  wishes  from 
old  gray-headed  negroes,  whom  I  never  recollect  to  have  seen 
before ;  and  it  was  but  a  few  days  ago,  that  I  was  called  to 
receive  the  compliments  of  an  ugly  old  woman,  who  last 
spring  was  employed  by  Mrs.  Cockloft  to  whitewash  my  room 
and  put  things  in  order;  a  phrase  which,  if  rightly  under- 
stood, means  little  else  than  huddling  every  thing  into  holes 
and  corners,  so  that  if  I  want  to  find  any  particular  article, 
it  is,  in  the  language  of  an  humble  but  expressive  saying, — 
"looking  for  a  needle  in  a  haystack."  Not  recognizing  my 
visitor,  I  demanded  by  what  authority  she  wished  me  a 
"Happy  New- Year?"  Her  claim  was  one  of  the  weakest  she 
could  have  urged,  for  I  have  an  innate  and  mortal  antipathy 
to  this  custom  of  putting  things  to  rights ;— so  giving  the  old 
witch  a  pistereen,  I  desired  her  forthwith  to  mount  -her  broom- 
stick, and  ride  off  as  fast  as  possible. 

Of  all  the  various  ranks  of  society,  the  bakers  alone,  to 
their  immortal  honour  be  it  recorded,  depart  from  this  prac- 
tice of  making  a  market  of  congratulations ;  and,  in  addition 
to  always  allowing  thirteen  to  the  dozen,  do  with  great  liber- 
ality, instead  of  drawing  on  the  purses  of  their  customers  at 
the  New- Year,  present  them  with  divers  large,  fair,  spiced 
cakes;  which,  like  the  shield  of  Achilles,  or  an  Egyptian 
obelisk,  are  adorned  with  figures  of  a  variety  of  strange 
animals,  that,  in  their  conformation,  out-marvel  all  the  wild 
wonders  of  nature. 

This  honest  gray-beard  custom  of  setting  apart  a  certain 
portion  of  this  good-for-nothing  existence  for  the  purposes  of 
cordiality,  social  merriment,  and  good  cheer,  is  one  of  the 
inestimable  relics  handed  down  to  us  from  our  worthy  Dutch 
ancestors.  In  perusing  one  of  the  manuscripts  from  my 
worthy  grandfather's  mahogany  chest  of  drawers,  I  find  the 
new  year  was  celebrated  with  great  festivity  during  that 
golden  age  of  our  city,  when  the  reins  of  government  were 
held  by  the  renowned  Rip  Van  Dam,  who  always  did  honour 


264  SALMAGUNDI. 

to  the  season  by  seeing  out  the  old  year ;  a  ceremony  which 
consisted  in  plying  his  guests  with  bumpers,  until  not  one  of 
them  was  capable  of  seeing.  "Truly,"  observes  my  grand- 
father, who  was  generally  of  these  parties — "  Truly,  he  was  a 
most  stately  and  magnificent  burgomaster!  inasmuch  as  he 
did  right  lustily  carouse  it  with  his  friends  about  New- Year ; 
roasting  huge  quantities  of  turkeys;  baking  innumerable 
minced  pies;  and  smacking  the  lips  of  all  fair  ladies  the 
which  he  did  meet,  with  such  sturdy  emphasis  that  the  same 
might  have  been  heard  the  distance  of  a  stone's  throw."  In 
his  days,  according  to  my  grandfather,  were  first  invented 
these  notable  cakes,  hight  new-year-cookies,  which  originally 
were  impressed  on  one  side  with  the  honest,  burly  counte- 
nance of  the  illustrious  Rip ;  and  on  the  other  with  that  of  the 
noted  St.  Nicholas,  vulgarly  called  Santaclaus; — of  all  the 
saints  in  the  kalendar  the  most  venerated  by  true  Hollanders, 
and  their  unsophisticated  descendants.  These  cakes  are  to  this 
time  given  on  the  first  of  January  to  all  visitors,  together  with 
a  glass  of  cherry-bounce,  or  raspberry-brandy.  It  is  with 
great  regret,  however,  I  observe  that  the  simplicity  of  this 
venerable  usage  has  been  much  violated  by  modern  pretend- 
ers to  style!  and  our  respectable  new-year-cookies,  and 
cherry-bounce,  elbowed  aside  by  plum-cake  and  outlandish 
liqueurs,  in  the  same  way  that  our  worthy  old  Dutch  families 
are  out-dazzled  by  modern  upstarts,  and  mushroom  cockneys. 
In  addition  to  this  divine  origin  of  new -year  festivity ;  there 
is  something  exquisitely  grateful,  to  a  good-natured  mind,  in 
seeing  every  face  dressed  in  smiles;— in  hearing  the  oft- 
repeated  salutations  that  flow  spontaneously  from  the  heart  to 
the  lips;— in  beholding  the  poor,  for  once,  enjoying  the  smiles 
of  plenty,  and  forgetting  the  cares  which  press  hard  upon 
them,  in  the  jovial  revelry  of  the  feelings;—  the  young  children 
decked  out  in  their  Sunday  clothes  and  freed  from  their  only 
cares,  the  cares  of  the  school,  tripping  through  the  streets  on 
errands  of  pleasure ; — and  even  the  very  negroes,  those  holiday- 
loving  rogues,  gorgeously  arrayed  in  cast-off  finery,  collected 
in  juntos,  at  corners,  displaying  their  white  tejth,  and  making 
the  welkin  ring  with  bursts  of  laughter, — loud  enough  to  crack 
even  the  icy  cheek  of  old  winter.  There  is  something  so  pleas- 
ant in  all  this,  that  I  confess  it  would  give  me  real  pain  to 
behold  the  frigid  influence  of  modern  style  cheating  us  of  this 
jubilee  of  the  heart ;  and  converting  it,  as  it  does  every  other 
article  of  social  intercourse,  into  an  idle  and  unmeaning  cere- 


SALMAGUNDI.  265 

mony.  'Tis  the  annual  festival  of  good-humour;— it  comes  in 
the  dead  of  winter,  when  nature  is  without  a  charm,  when  our 
pleasures  are  contracted  to  the  fireside,  and  when  every  thing 
that  unlocks  the  icy  fetters  of  the  heart,  and  sets  the  genial 
current  flowing,  should  be  cherished,  as  a  stray  lamb  found  in 
the  wilderness ;  or  a  flower  blooming  among  thorns  and  briers. 

Animated  by  these  sentiments,  it  is  with  peculiar  satisfaction 
1  perceived  that  the  last  New- Year  was  kept  with  more  than 
ordinary  enthusiasm.  It  seemed  as  if  the  good  old  times  had 
rolled  back  again  and  brought  with  them  all  the  honest,  uncere- 
monious intercourse  of  those  golden  days,  when  people  were 
more  open  and  sincere,  more  moral,  and  more  hospitable  than 
now ; — when  every  object  carried  about  it  a  charm  which  the 
hand  of  time  has  stolen  away,  or  turned  to  a  deformity;  when 
the  women  were  more  simple,  more  domestic,  more  lovely,  and 
more  true ;  and  when  even  the  sun,  like  a  hearty  old  blade  as 
he  is,  shone  with  a  genial  lustre  unknown  in  these  degenerate 
days: — in  short,  those  fairy  times,  when  I  was  a  mad-cap  boy, 
crowding  every  enjoyment  into  the  present  moment ; — making 
of  the  past  an  oblivion ; — of  the  future  a  heaven ;  and  careless 
of  all  that  was  "  over  the  hills  and  far  away."  Only  one  thing 
was  wanting  to  make  every  part  of  the  celebration  accord  with 
its  ancient  simplicity.  The  ladies,  who — I  write  it  with  the 
most  piercing  regret — are  generally  at  the  head  of  all  domestic 
innovations,  most  fastidiously  refused  that  mark  of  good  will, 
that  chaste  and  holy  salute  which  was  so  fashionable  in  the 
happy  days  of  governor  Eip  and  the  patriarchs.  Even  the 
Miss  Cocklofts,  who  belong  to  a  family  that  is  the  last  intrench- 
ment  behind  which  the  manners  of  the  good  old  school  have 
retired,  made  violent  opposition ; — and  whenever  a  gentleman 
entered  the  room,  immediately  put  themselves  in  a  posture  of 
defence ; — this  Will  Wizard,  with  his  usual  shrewdness,  insists 
was  only  to  give  the  visitor  a  hint  that  they  expected  an 
attack ;  and  declares,  he  has  uniformly  observed,  that  the  re- 
sistance of  those  ladies  who  make  the  greatest  noise  and  bustle, 
is  most  easily  overcome.  This  sad  innovation  originated  with 
my  good  aunt  Charity,  who  was  as  arrant  a  tabby  as  ever  wore 
whiskers ;  and  I  am  not  a  little  afflicted  to  find  that  she  has 
found  so  many  followers,  ev«n  among  the  young  and  beautiful. 

In  compliance  with  an  ancient  and  venerable  custom,  sanc- 
tioned by  tune  and  our  ancestors,  and  more  especially  by  my 
own  inclinations,  I  will  take  this  opportunity  to  salute  my 
readers  with  as  many  good  wishes  as  I  can  possibly  spare ;  f  or> 


266  SALMAGUNDI. 

in  truth,  I  have  been  so  prodigal  of  late,  that  I  have  but  few 
remaining.  I  should  have  offered  my  congratulations  sooner; 
but,  to  be  candid,  having  made  the  last  new-year's  campaign, 
according  to  custom,  under  cousin  Christopher,  in  which  I 
have  seen  some  pretty  hard  service,  my  head  has  been  some- 
what out  of  order  of  late,  and  my  intellects  rather  cloudy  for 
clear  writing.  Besides,  I  may  allege  as  another  reason,  that  I 
have  deferred  my  greetings  until  this  day,  which  is  exactly 
one  year  since  we  introduced  ourselves  to  the  public;  and 
surely  periodical  writers  have  the  same  right  of  dating  from 
the  commencement  of  their  works  that  monarchs  have  from 
the  time  of  their  coronation ;  or  our  most  puissant  republic 
from  the  declaration  of  its  independence. 

These  good  wishes  are  warmed  into  more  than  usual  benevo- 
lence  by  the  thought  that  I  am  now,  perhaps,  addressing  my  old 
friends  for  the  last  time.  That  we  should  thus  cut  off  our  work  in 
the  very  vigour  of  its  existence  may  excite  some  little  matter  of 
wonder  in  this  enlightened  community. — Now,  though  we  could 
give  a  variety  of  good  reasons  for  so  doing,  yet  it  would  be  an 
ill-natured  act  to  deprive  the  public  of  such  an  admirable  oppor- 
tunity to  indulge  in  their  favourite  amusement  of  conjecture: 
so  we  generously  leave  them  to  flounder  in  the  smooth  ocean 
of  glorious  uncertainty.  Besides,  we  have  ever  considered  it  as 
beneath  persons  of  our  dignity  to  account  for  our  movements 
or  caprices; — thank  heaven,  we  are  not  like  the  unhappy  rulers 
of  this  enlightened  land,  accountable  to  the  mob  for  our  actions, 
or  dependent  on  their  smiles  for  support !— this  much,  how- 
ever, we  will  say,  it  is  not  for  want  of  subjects  that  we  stop  our 
career.  We  are  not  in  the  situation  of  poor  Alexander  the 
Great,  who  wept,  as  well  indeed  he  might,  because  there  were 
no  more  worlds  to  conquer ;  for,  to  do  justice  to  this  queer,  odd, 
rantipole  city  and  this  whimsical  country,  there  is  matter 
enough  in  them  to  keep  our  risible  muscles  and  our  pens  going 
until  doomsday. 

Most  people,  in  taking  a  farewell  which  may,  perhaps,  be 
for  ever,  are  anxious  to  part  on  good  terms ;  and  it  is  usual,  on 
such  melancholy  occasions,  for  even  enemies  to  shake  hands, 
forget  their  previous  quarrels,  and  bury  all  former  animosities 
in  parting  regrets.  Now,  because  most  people  do  this,  I  am 
determined  to  act  in  quite  a  different  way;  for,  as  I  have 
lived,  so  I  should  wish  to  die  in  my  own  way,  without  imita- 
ting any  person,  whatever  may  be  his  rank,  talents,  or  reputa- 
tion. Besides,  if  I  know  our  trio,  we  have  no  enmities  to 


SALMAGUNDI.  26? 

obliterate,  no  hatchet  to  bury,  and  as  to  all  injuries— those  we 
have  long  since  forgiven.  At  this  moment  there  is  not  an 
individual  in  the  world,  not  even  the  Pope  himself,  to  whom 
we  have  any  personal  hostility.  But  if,  shutting  their  eyes  to 
the  many  striking  proofs  of  good-nature  displayed  through  the 
whole  course  of  this  work,  there  should  be  any  persons  so 
singularly  ridiculous  as  to  take  offence  at  our  strictures,  we 
heartily  forgive  their  stupidity ;  earnestly  entreating  them  to 
desist  from  all  manifestations  of  ill-humour,  lest  they  should, 
peradventure,  be  classed  under  some  one  of  the  denominations 
of  recreants  we  have  felt  it  our  duty  to  hold  up  to  public  ridi- 
cule. Even  at  this  moment  we  feel  a  glow  of  parting  philan- 
throphy  stealing  upon  us; — a  sentiment  of  cordial  good- will 
towards  the  numerous  host  of  readers  that  have  jogged  on  at 
our  heels  during  the  last  year;  and,  in  justice  to  ourselves, 
must  seriously  protest,  that  if  at  any  time  we  have  treated 
them  a  little  ungently,  it  was  purely  in  that  spirit  of  hearty 
affection  with  which  a  schoolmaster  drubs  an  unlucky  urchin, 
or  a  humane  muleteer  his  recreant  animal,  at  the  very  moment 
when  his  heart  is  brim-full  of  loving-kindness.  If  this  is  not 
considered  an  ample  justification,  so  much  the  worse ;  for  in 
that  case  I  fear  we  shall  remain  for  ever  unjustified ; — a  most 
desperate  extremity,  and  worthy  of  every  man's  commisera- 
tion! 

One  circumstance  in  particular  has  tickled  us  mightily  as  we 
jogged  along,  and  that  is  the  astonishing  secrecy  with  which 
we  have  been  able  to  carry  on  our  lucubrations !  Fully  aware 
of  the  profound  sagacity  of  the  public  of  Gotham,  and  their 
wonderful  faculty  of  distinguishing  a  writer  by  his  style,  it  is 
with  great  self -congratulation  we  find  that  suspicion  has  never 
pointed  to  us  as  the  authors  of  Salmagundi.  Our  gray-beard 
speculations  have  been  most  bountifully  attributed  to  sundry 
smart  young  gentlemen,  who,  for  aught  we  know,  have  no 
beards  at  all;  and  we  have  often  been  highly  amused,  when 
they  were  charged  with  the  sin  of  writing  what  their  harmless 
minds  never  conceived,  to  see  them  affect  all  the  blushing 
modesty  and  beautiful  embarrassment  of  detected  virgin 
authors.  The  profound  and  penetrating  public,  having  so 
long  been  led  away  from  truth  and  nature  by  a  constant 
perusal  of  those  delectable  histories  and  romances  from  be- 
yond seas,  in  which  human  nature  is  for  the  most  part 
wickedly  mangled  and  debauched,  have  never  once  imagined 
this  work  was  a  genuine  and  most  authentic  history;  that  the 


268  SALMAGUNDI. 

Cocklofts  were  a  real  family,  dwelling  in  the  city; — paying 
scot  and  lot,  entitled  to  the  right  of  suffrage,  and  holding 
several  respectable  offices  in  the  corporation. — As  little  do  they 
suspect  that  there  is  a  knot  of  merry  old  bachelors  seated 
snugly  in  the  old-fashioned  parlour  of  an  old-fashioned  Dutch 
house,  with  a  weathercock  on  the  top  that  came  from  Holland, 
who  amuse  themselves  of  an  evening  by  laughing  at  their 
neighbours  in  an  honest  way,  and  who  manage  to  jog  on 
through  the  streets  of  our  ancient  and  venerable  city  without 
elbowing  or  being  elbowed  by  a  living  soul. 

When  we  first  adopted  the  idea  of  discontinuing  this  work, 
we  determined,  in  order  to  give  the  critics  a  fair  opportunity 
for  dissection,  to  declare  ourselves,  one  and  all,  absolutely 
defunct ;  for,  it  is  one  of  the  rare  and  invaluable  privileges  of  a 
periodical  writer,  that  by  an  act  of  innocent  suicide  he  may 
lawfully  consign  himself  to  the  grave  and  cheat  the  world  of 
posthumous  renown.  But  we  abandoned  this  scheme  for 
many  substantial  reasons.  In  the  first  place,  we  care  but 
little  for  the  opinion  of  critics,  who  we  consider  a  kind  of  free- 
booters in  the  republic  of  letters;  who,  like  deer,  goats,  and 
divers  other  graminivorous  animals,  gain  subsistence  by  gorg- 
ing upon  the  buds  and  leaves  of  the  young  shrubs  of  the  forest, 
thereby  robbing  them  of  their  verdure  and  retarding  their  pro- 
gress to  maturity.  It  also  occurred  to  us,  that  though  an 
author  might  lawfully  in  all  countries  kill  himself  outright, 
yet  this  privilege  did  not  extend  to  the  raising  himself  from 
the  dead,  if  he  was  ever  so  anxious ;  and  all  that  is  left  him  in 
such  a  case  is  to  take  the  benefit  of  the  metempsychosis  act 
and  revive  under  a  new  name  and  form. 

Far  be  it,  therefore,  from  us  to  condemn  ourselves  to  useless 
embarrassments,  should  we  ever  be  disposed  to  resume  the 
guardianship  of  this  learned  city  of  Gotham,  and  finish  this 
invaluable  work,  which  is  yet  but  half  completed.  We  hereby 
openly  and  seriously  declare,  that  we  are  not  dead,  but  intend, 
if  it  pleases  Providence,  to  live  for  many  years  to  come ; — to 
enjoy  life  with  the  genuine  relish  of  honest  souls ;  careless  of 
riches,  honours,  and  every  thing  but  a  good  name,  among 
good  fellows;  and  with  the  full  expectation  of  shuffling  off  the 
remnant  of  existence,  after  the  excellent  fashion  of  that  merry 
Grecian  who  died  laughing. 


SALMAG  UNDL  269 


TO  THE  LADIES. 

BY  ANTHONY  EVERGREEN,  GENT. 

NEXT  to  our  being  a  knot  of  independent  old  bachelors,  there 
is  nothing  on  which  we  pride  ourselves  more  highly  than  upon 
possessing  that  true  ohivalric  spirit  of  gallantry,  which  dis- 
tinguished the  days  of  king  Arthur,  and  his  valiant  knights  of 
the  Round-table.  We  cannot,  therefore,  leave  the  lists  where 
we  have  so  long  been  tilting  at  folly,  without  giving  a  farewell 
salutation  to  those  noble  dames  and  beauteous  damsels  who 
have  honoured  us  with  their  presence  at  the  tourney.  Like 
true  knights,  the  only  recompense  we  crave  is  the  smile  of 
beauty,  and  the  approbation  of  those  gentle  fair  ones,  whose 
smile  and  whose  approbation  far  excels  all  the  trophies  of 
honour,  and  all  the  rewards  of  successful  ambition.  True  it 
is,  that  we  have  suffered  infinite  perils  in  standing  forth  as 
their  champions,  from  the  sly  attacks  of  sundry  arch  caitiffs, 
who,  in  the  overflowings  of  their  malignity,  have  even  accused 
us  of  entering  the  lists  as  defenders  of  the  very  foibles  and 
faults  of  the  sex. — Would  that  we  could  meet  with  these 
recreants  hand  to  hand ; — they  should  receive  no  more  quarter 
than  giants  and  enchanters  in  romance. 

Had  we  a  spark  of  vanity  in  our  natures,  here  is  a  glorious 
occasion  to  show  our  skill  in  refuting  these  illiberal  insinua- 
tions ; — but  there  is  something  manly,  and  ingenuous,  in  mak- 
ing an  honest  confession  of  one's  offences  when  about  retiring 
from  the  world ; — and  so,  without  any  more  ado,  we  doff  our 
helmets  and  thus  publicly  plead  guilty  to  the  deadly  sin  of 
GOOD  NATURE;  hoping  and  expecting  forgiveness  from  our 
good-natured  readers, — yet  careless  whether  they  bestow  it 
or  not.  Apd  in  this  we  do  but  imitate  sundry  condemned 
criminals,  who,  finding  themselves  convicted  of  a  capital 
crime,  with  great  openness  and  candour  do  generally  in 
their  last  dying  speech  make  a  confession  of  all  their  pre- 
vious offences,  which  confession  is  always  read  with  great 
delight  by  all  true  lovers  of  biography. 

Still,  however,  notwithstanding  our  notorious  devotion  to 
the  gentle  sex,  and  our  indulgent  partiality,  we  have  endea- 


270  SALMAGUNDI. 

voured,  on  divers  occasions,  with  all  the  polite  and  becoming 
delicacy  of  true  respect,  to  reclaim  them  from  many  of  those 
delusive  follies  and  unseemly  peccadilloes  in  which  they  are 
unhappily  too  prone  to  indulge.  We  have  warned  them 
against  the  sad  consequences  of  encountering  our  midnight 
damps  and  withering  wintry  blasts;— we  have  endeavoured, 
with  pious  hand,  to  snatch  them  from  the  wildering  mazes  of 
Ithe  waltz,  and  thus  rescuing  them  from  the  arms  of  strangers, 
to  restore  them  to  the  bosoms  of  their  friends;  to  preserve 
them  from  the  nakedness,  the  famine,  the  cobweb  muslins,  the 
vinegar  cruet,  the  corset,  the  stay-tape,  the  buckram,  and  all 
the  other  miseries  and  racks  of  a  fine  figure.  But,  above  all, 
•we  have  endeavoured  to  lure  them  from  the  mazes  of  a  dissi- 
pated world,  where  they  wander  about,  careless  of  their  value, 
until  they  lose  their  original  worth ; — and  to  restore  them,  be- 
fore it  is  too  late,  to  the  sacred  asylum  of  home,  the  soil  most 
congenial  to  the  opening  blossom  of  female  loveliness ;  where  it 
blooms  and  expands  in  safety,  in  the  fostering  sunshine  of 
maternal  affection,  and  where  its  heavenly  sweets  are  best 
known  and  appreciated. 

Modern  philosophers  may  determine  the  proper  destination 
of  the  sex ; — they  may  assign  to  them  an  extensive  and  brilliant 
orbit,  in  which  to  revolve,  to  the  delight  of  the  million  and  the 
confusion  of  man's  superior  intellect ;  but  when  on  this  subject 
we  disclaim  philosophy,  and  appeal  to  the  higher  tribunal  of 
the  heart; — and  what  heart  that  had  not  lost  its  better  feelings, 
would  ever  seek  to  repose  its  happiness  on  the  bosom  of  one 
whose  pleasures  all  lay  without  the  threshold  of  home;— who 
snatched  enjoyment  only  in  the  whirlpool  of  dissipation,  and 
amid  the  thoughtless  and  evanescent  gayety  of  a  ballroom. 
The  fair  one  who  is  for  ever  in  the  career  of  amusement,  may 
for  a  while  dazzle,  astonish,  and  entertain ;  but  we  are  content 
with  coldly  admiring;  and  fondly  turn  from  glitter  and  noise, 
to  seek  the  happy  fire-side  of  social  life,  there  to  confide  our 
dearest  and  best  affections. 

Yet  some  there  are,  and  we  delight  to  mention  them,  who 
mingle  freely  with  the  world,  unsullied  by  its  contaminations ; 
whose  brilliant  minds,  like  the  stars  of  the  firmament,  are 
destined  to  shed  their  light  abroad  and  gladden  every  beholder 
with  their  radiance ;— to  withhold  them  from  the  world,  would 
be  doing  it  injustice ; — they  are  inestimable  gems,  which  were 
never  formed  to  be  shut  up  in  caskets ;  but  to  be  the  pride  and 
ornament  of  elegant  society. 


SALMAGUNDI.  271 

We  have  endeavoured  always  to  discriminate  between  a 
female  of  this  superior  order,  and  the  thoughtless  votary  of 
pleasure;  who,  destitute  of  intellectual  resources,  is  servilely 
dependent  on  others  for  every  little  pittance  of  enjoyment; 
who  exhibits  herself  incessantly  amid  the  noise,  the  giddy  frolic, 
t  and  capricious  vanity  of  fashionable  assemblages;  dissipating 
her  languid  affections  on  a  crowd ;  lavishing  her  ready  smiles 
<with  indiscriminate  prodigality  On  the  worthy,  or  the  undeserv- 
ing; and  listening,  with  equal  vacancy  of  mind,  to  the  con- 
versation of  the  enlightened,  the  frivolity  of  the  coxcomb,  and 
the  nourish  of  the  fiddle-stick. 

There  is  a  certain  artificial  polish,  a  commonplace  vivacity 
acquired  by  perpetually  mingling  in  the  beau  monde ;  which, 
in  the  commerce  of  the  world,  supplies  the  place  of  natural 
suavity  of  good  humour;  but  is  purchased  at  the  expense  of  all 
original  and  sterling  traits  of  character.  By  a  kind  of  fashion- 
able discipline,  the  eye  is  taught  to  brighten,  the  lip  to  smile, 
and  the  whole  countenance  to  irradiate  with  the  semblance  of 
friendly  welcome,  while  the  bosom  is  unwarmed  by  a  single 
spark  of  genuine  kindness  or  good- will. — This  elegant  simula- 
tion may  be  admired  by  the  connoisseur  of  human  character, 
as  a  perfection  of  art;  but  the  heart  is  not  to  be  deceived  by 
the  superficial  illusion ;  it  turns  with  delight  to  the  timid  re- 
tiring fair  one,  whose  smile  is  the  smile  of  nature;  whose 
blush  is  the  soft  suffusion  of  delicate  sensibility ;  and  whose 
affections,  unblighted  by  the  chilling  effects  of  dissipation, 
glow  with  all  the  tenderness  and  purity  of  artless  youth. 
Hers  is  a  singleness  of  mind,  a  native  innocence  of  manners, 
and  a  sweet  timidity,  that  steal  insensibly  upon  the  heart,  and 
lead  it  a  willing  captive ;  though  venturing  occasionally  among 
the  fairy  haunts  of  pleasure,  she  shrinks  from  the  broad  glare 
of  notoriety,  and  seems  to  seek  refuge  among  her  friends,  even 
from  the  admiration  of  ftie  world. 

These  observations  bring  to  mind  a  little  allegory  in  one  of 
the  manuscripts  of  the  sage  Mustapha;  which,  being  in  some 
measure  applicable  to  the  subject  of  this  essay,  we  transcribe 
for  the  benefit  of  our  fair  readers. 

Among  the  numerous  race  of  the  Bedouins,  who  people  the 
vast  tracts  of  Arabia  Deserta,  is  a  small  tribe,  remarkable  for 
their  habits  of  solitude  and  love  of  independence.  They  are  of 
a  rambling  disposition,  roving  from  waste  to  waste,  slaking 
their  thirst  at  such  scanty  pools  as  are  found  in  those  cheerless 
plains,  and  glory  in  the  ui}en,vied  liberty  they  enjoy.  A  youth- 


§72  SALMAGUNDI 

ful  Arab  of  this  tribe,  a  simple  son  of  nature,  at  length  grow- 
ing weary  of  his  precarious  and  unsettled  mode  of  life,  deter- 
mined to  set  out  in  search  of  some  permanent  abode.  "I  will 
seek,"  said  he,  "some  happy  region,  some  generous  clime, 
where  the  dews  of  heaven  diffuse  fertility ; — I  will  find  out 
some  unfailing  stream;  and,  forsaking  the  joyless  life  of  my 
forefathers,  settle  on  its  borders,  dispose  my  mind  to  gentle 
pleasures  and  tranquil  enjoyments,  and  never  wander  more." 

Enchanted  with  this  picture  of  pastoral  felicity,  he  departed 
from  the  tents  of  his  companions;  and  having  journeyed 
during  five  days,  on  the  sixth,  as  the  sun  was  just  rising  in  all 
the  splendours  of  the  east,  he  lifted  up  his  eyes  and  beheld  ex- 
tended before  him,  in  smiling  luxuriance,  the  fertile  regions  of 
Arabia  the  Happy.  Gently  swelling  hills,  tufted  with  bloom- 
ing groves,  swept  down  into  luxuriant  vales,  enameled  with 
flowers  of  never- withering  beauty.  The  sun,  no  longer  darting 
his  rays  with  torrid  fervour,  beamed  with  a  genial  warmth 
that  gladdened  and  enriched  the  landscape.  A  pure  and  tem- 
perate serenity,  an  air  of  voluptuous  repose,  a  smile  of  con- 
tented abundance,  pervaded  the  face  of  nature;  and  every 
zephyr  breathed  a  thousand  delicious  odours.  The  soul  of  the 
youthful  wanderer  expanded  with  delight ; — he  raised  his  eyes 
to  heaven,  and  almost  mingled  with  his  tribute  of  gratitude  a 
sigh  of  regret  that  he  had  lingered  so  long  amid  the  sterile 
solitudes  of  the  desert. 

With  fond  impatience  he  hastened  to  make  choice  of  a 
stream  where  he  might  fix  his  habitation,  and  taste  the  pro- 
mised sweets  of  this  land  of  delight.  But  here  commenced  an 
unforeseen  perplexity;  for,  though  he  beheld  innumerable 
streams  on  every  side,  yet  not  one  could  he  find  which  com- 
pletely answered  his  high-raised  expectations.  One  abounded 
with  wild  and  picturesque  beauty,  but  it  was  capricious  and 
hmsteady  in  its  course ;  sometimes  dashing  its  angry  billows 
'against  the  rocks,  and  often  raging  and  overflowing  its  banks. 
Another  flowed  smoothly  along,  without  even  a  ripple  or  a 
murmur;  but  its  bottom  was  soft  and  muddy,  and  its  current 
dull  and  sluggish.  A  third  was  pure  and  transparent,  but  its 
waters  were  of  a  chilling  coldness,  and  it  had  rocks  and  flints 
in  its  bosom.  A  fourth  was  dulcet  in  its  tinklings,  and  graceful 
in  its  meanderings ;  but  it  had  a  cloying  sweetness  that  palled 
upon  the  taste ;  while  a  fifth  possessed  a  sparkling  vivacity, 
and  a  pungency  of  flavour,  that  deterred  the  wanderer  from 
repeating  his  draught. 


SALMAGUNDI   *  273 

The  youthful  Bedouin  began  to  weary  with  fruitless  trials 
and  repeated  disappointments,  when  his  attention  was  sudden- 
ly attracted  by  a  lively  brook,  whose  dancing  waves  glittered 
in  the  sunbeams,  and  whose  prattling  current  communicated 
an  air  of  bewitching  gayety  to  the  surrounding  landscape. 
The  heart  of  the  wayworn  traveller  beat  with  expectation;  but 
on  regarding  it  attentively  in  its  course,  he  found  that  it  con- 
stantly avoided  the  embowering  shade;  loitering  with  equal 
fondness,  whether  gliding  through  the  rich  valley,  or  over  the 
barren  sand ; — that  the  fragrant  flower,  the  fruitful  shrub,  and 
worthless  bramble  were  alike  fostered  by  its  waves,  and  that 
its  current  was  often  interrupted  by  unprofitable  weeds.  With 
idle  ambition,  it  expanded  itself  beyond  its  proper  bounds,  and 
spread  into  a  shallow  waste  of  water,  destitute  of  beauty  or 
utility,  and  babbling  along  with  uninteresting  vivacity  and 
vapid  turbulence. 

The  wandering  son  of  the  desert  turned  away  with  a  sigh  of 
regret,  and  pitied  a  stream  which,  if  content  within  its  natural 
limits,  might  have  been  the  pride  of  the  valley,  and  the  object 
of  all  his  wishes.  Pensive,  musing,  and  disappointed,  he 
Blowly  pursued  his  now  almost  hopeless  pilgrimage,  and  had 
rambled  for  some  time  along  the  margin  of  a  gentle  rivulet, 
before  he  became  sensible  of  its  beauties.  It  was  a  simple  pas- 
toral stream,  which,  shunning  the  noonday  glare,  pursued  its 
unobtrusive  course  through  retired  and  tranquil  vales ; — now 
dimpling  among  flowery  banks  and  tufted  shrubbery;  now 
winding  among  spicy  groves,  whose  aromatic  foliage  fondly 
bent  down  to  meet  the  limpid  wave.  Sometimes,  but  not 
often,  it  would  venture  from  its  covert  to  stray  through  a 
flowery  meadow ;  but  quickly,  as  if  fearful  of  being  seen,  stole 
back  again  into  its  more  congenial  shade,  and  there  lingered 
with  sweet  delay.  Wherever  it  bent  its  course,  the  face  of 
nature  brightened  into  smiles,  and  a  perennial  spring  reigned 
upon  its  borders. — The  warblers  of  the  woodland  delighted  to 
quit  their  recesses  and  carol  among  its  bowers :  while  the  tur- 
tle-dove, the  timid  fawn,  the  soft-eyed  gazelle,  and  all  the 
rural  populace,  who  joy  in  the  sequestered  haunts  of  nature, 
resorted  to  its  vicinity.— Its  pure,  transparent  waters  rolled 
over  snow-white  sands,  and  heaven  itself  was  reflected  in  its 
tranquil  bosom. 

The  simple  Arab  threw  himself  upon  its  verdant  margin ;— he 
tasted  the  silver  tide,  and  it  was  like  nectar  to  his  lips; — he 
bounded  with  transport,  for  he  had  found  the  object  of  his 


g?4  SALMAGUNDI. 

•wayfaring.  "Here,"  cried  he,  "will  I  pitch  my  tent:— here 
will  I  pass  my  days ;  for  pure,  oh,  fair  stream,  is  thy  gentle 
current;  beauteous  are  thy  borders;  and  the  grove  must  be  a 
paradise  that  is  refreshed  by  thy  meanderings  1" 


Pendant  opera  interrupta.    — Virg. 
The  work's  all  aback.  —Link.  Fid. 

"How  hard  it  is,"  exclaimed  the  divine  Con-futse,  better 
known  among  the  illiterate  by  the  name  of  Confucius,  "  for  a 
man  to  bite  off  his  own  nose!"  At  this  moment  I,  William 
Wizard,  Esq.,  feel  the  full  force  of  this  remark,  and  cannot  but 
give  vent  to  my  tribulation  at  being  obliged,  through  the  whim 
of  friend  Langstaff ,  to  stop  short  in  my  literary  career,  when 
at  the  very  point  of  astonishing  my  country,  and  reaping  the 
brightest  laurels  of  literature.  We  daily  hear  of  shipwrecks, 
of  failures  and  bankruptcies ;  they  are  trifling  mishaps  which, 
from  their  frequency,  excite  but  little  astonishment  or  sym- 
pathy; but  it  is  not  often  that  we  hear  of  a  man's  letting  im- 
mortality slip  through  his  fingers;  and  when  he  does  meet 
with  such  a  misfortune,  who  would  deny  him  the  comfort  of 
bewailing  his  calamity? 

Next  to  embargo,  laid  upon  our  commerce,  the  greatest 
public  annoyance  is  the  embargo  laid  upon  our  work;  in 
consequence  of  which  the  produce  of  my  wits,  like  that  of  my 
country,  must  remain  at  home ;  and  my^  ideas  like  so  many 
merchantmen  in  port,  or  redoubtable  frigates  in  the  Potomac, 
moulder  away  in  the  mud  of  my  own  brain.  I  know  of  few 
things  in  this  world  more  annoying  than  to  be  interrupted  in 
the  middle  of  a  favourite  story,  at  the  most  interesting  part, 
where  one  expects  to  shine ;  or  to  have  a  conversation  broken 
off  just  when  you  are  about  coming  out  with  a  score  of  excel- 
lent jokes,  not  one  of  which  but  was  good  enough  to  make 
every  fine  figure  in  corsets  split  her  sides  with  laughter.  In 
some  such  predicament  am  I  placed  at  present ;  and  I  do  pro- 
test to  you,  my  good-looking  and  well-beloved  readers,  by  the 
chop-sticks  of  the  immortal  Josh,  I  was  on  the  very  brink  of 
treating  you  with  a  full  broadside  of  the  most  ingenious  and 
instructive  essays  that  your  precious  noddles  were  ever  both- 
ered with, 


BALMAGUNDZ  275 

In  the  first  place,  I  had,  with  infinite  labour  and  pains,  and 
by  consulting  the  divine  Plato,  Sanconiathon,  Apollonius, 
Rhodius,  Sir  John  Harrington,  Noah  Webster,  Linkum  Fidel- 
ius,  and  others,  fully  refuted  all  those  wild  theories  respecting 
the  first  settlement  of  our  venerable  country;  and  proved,  be- 
yond contradiction,  that  America,  so  far  from  being,  as  tha 
writers  of  upstart  Europe  denominate  it,  the  new  world,  is  at 
least  as  old  as  any  country  in  existence,  not  excepting  Egypt, 
China,  or  even  the  land  of  the  Assiniboins ;  which,  according 
to  the  traditions  of  that  ancient  people,  has  already  assisted  at 
the  funerals  of  thirteen  suns  and  four  hundred  and  seventy 
thousand  moons !  4 

I  had  likewise  written  a  long  dissertation  on  certain  hiero-  "  > 
glyphics  discovered  on  these  fragments  of  the  moon,  which 
have  lately  fallen,  with  singular  propriety,  in  a  neighbouring 
state; — and  have  thrown  considerable  light  on  the  state  of 
literature  and  the  arts  in  that  planet ; — showing  that  the  uni- 
versal language  which  prevails  there  is  High  Dutch ;  thereby 
proving  it  to  be  the  most  ancient  and  original  tongue,  and  cor- 
roborating the  opinion  of  a  celebrated  poet,  that  it  is  the  lan- 
guage in  which  the  serpent  tempted  our  grandmother  Eve. 

To  support  the  theatric  department,  I  'had  several  very 
judicious  critiques,  ready  written,  wherein  no  quarter  was 
shown  either  to  authors  or  actors ;  and  I  was  only  waiting  to 
determine  at  what  plays  or  performances  they  should  be 
levelled.  As  to  the  grand  spectacle  of  Cinderella,  which  is  to 
be  represented  this  season,  I  had  given  it  a  most  unmerciful 
handling:  showing  that  it  was  neither  tragedy,  comedy,  nor 
farce;  that  the  incidents  were  highly  improbable,  that  the 
prince  played  like  a  perfect  harlequin,  that  the  white  mice 
were  merely  powdered  for  the  occasion,  and  that  the  new  moon 
had  a  most  outrageous  copper  nose. 

But  my  most  profound  and  erudite  essay  in  embryo  is  an, 
analytical,  hypercritical  review  of  these  Salmagundi  lucubra- 
tions; which  I  had  written  partly  in  revenge  for  the  many 
waggish  jokes  played  off  against  me  by  my  confederates,  and 
partly  for  the  purpose  of  saving  much  invaluable  labour  to  the 
Zoiluses  and  Dennises  of  the  age,  by  detecting  and  exposing  all 
the  similarities,  resemblances,  synonymies,  analogies,  coinci- 
dences, &c.,  which  occur  in  this  work. 

I  hold  it  downright  plagiarism  for  any  author  to  write,  or 
even  to  think,  in  the  same  manner  with  any  other  writer  that 
either  did,  doth,  or  may  exist.  It  is  a  sage  Tn«.-riTn  of  law-» 


276  SALMAQUNDl. 

"  Ignorantia  neminem  excusat "— and  the  same  has  been  ex- 
tended to  literature :  so  that  if  an  author  shall  publish  an  idea 
that  has  been  ever  hinted  by  another,  it  shall  be  no  exculpation 
for  him  to  plead  ignorance  of  the  fact.  All,  therefore,  that  I 
had  to  do  was  to  take  a  good  pair  of  spectacles,  or  a  magnify- 
ing glass,  and  with  Salmagundi  in  hand,  and  a  table  full  of 
books  before  me,  to  muse  over  them  alternately,  in  a  corner 
of  Cockloft  library:  carefully  comparing  and  contrasting  all 
odd  ends  and  fragments  of  sentences.  Little  did  honest 
Launce  suspect,  when  he  sat  lounging  and  scribbling  in  his 
elbow-chair,  with  no  other  stock  to  draw  upon  than  his  own 
brain,  and  no  other  authority  to  consult  than  the  sage  Linkum 
Fidelius ! — little  did  he  think  that  his  careless,  unstudied  effu- 
sions would  receive  such  scrupulous  investigation. 

By  laborious  researches,  and  patiently  collating  words, 
where  sentences  and  ideas  did  not  correspond,  I  have  detected 
sundry  sly  disguises  and  metamorphoses  of  which,  I'll  be 
bound,  Langstaff  himself  is  ignorant.  Thus,  for  instance — 
The  little  man  in  black  is  evidently  no  less  a  personage  than 
old  Goody  Blake,  or  goody  something,  niched  from  the  Spec- 
tator, who  confessedly  filched  her  from  Otway's  "wrinkled 
)  hag  with  age  grown  double."  My  friend  Launce  has  taken  the 
honest  old  woman,  dressed  her  up  in  the  cast-off  suit  worn  by 
Twaits,  in  Lampedo,  and  endeavoured  to  palm  the  imposture 
upon  the  enlightened  inhabitants  of  Gotham.  No  further 
proof  of  the  fact  need  be  given,  than  that  Goody  Blake  was 
taken  for  a  witch;  and  the  little  man  in  black  for  a  conjuror; 
and  that  they  both  lived  in  villages,  the  inhabitants  of  which 
were  distinguished  by  a  most  respectful  abhorrence  of  hobgob- 
lins and  broomsticks; — to  be  sure  the  astonishing  similarity 
ends  here,  but  surely  that  is  enough  to  prove  that  the  little 
man  in  black  is  no  other  than  Goody  Blake  in  the  disguise  of  a 
white  witch. 

Thus,  also,  the  sage  Mustapha  in  mistaking  a  brag  party  for 
a  convention  of  magi  studying  hieroglyphics,  may  pretend  to 
originality  of  idea,  and  to  a  familiar  acquaintance  with  the 
black-letter  literati  of  the  east ; — but  this  Tripolitan  trick  will 
not  pass  here ;— I  refer  those  who  wish  to  detect  this  larceny  to 
one  of  those  wholesale  jumbles  or  hodge  podge  collections  of 
science,  which,  like  a  tailor's  pandemonium,  or  a  giblet-pie, 
are  receptacles  for  scientific  fragments  of  all  sorts  and  sizes.— 
The  reader,  learned  in  dictionary  studies,  will  at  once  perceive 
I  mean  an  encyclopaedia.  There,  under  the  title  of  magi, 


SALMAGUNDI.  277 

Egypt,  cards,  or  hieroglyphics,  I  forget  which,  will  he  dis* 
covered  an  idea  similar  to  that  of  Mustapha,  as  snugly  con- 
cealed as  truth  at  the  bottom  of  a  well,  or  the  mistletoe  amid 
the  shady  branches  of  an  oak:  and  it  may  at  any  time  be 
drawn  from  its  lurking  place,  by  those  hewers  of  wood  and 
drawers  of  water,  who  labour  in  humbler  walks  of  criticism. 
This  is  assuredly  a  most  unpardonable  error  of  the  sage  Mus- 
tapha, who  had  been  the  captain  of  a  ketch,  and,  of  course,  as 
your  nautical  men  are  for  the  most  part  very  learned,  ought  to 
have  known  better. — But  this  is  not  the  only  blunder  of  the 
grave  Mussulman,  who  swears  by  the  head  of  Amrou,  the 
beard  of  Barbarossa,  and  the  sword  of  Khalid,  as  glibly  as 
our  good  Christian  soldiers  anathematize  body  and  soul,  or  a 
sailor  his  eyes  and  odd  limbs.  Now  I  solemnly  pledge  myself 
to  the  world,  that  in  all  my  travels  through  the  east,  in  Persia, 
Arabia,  China,  and  Egypt,  I  never  heard  man,  woman,  or  child 
utter  any  of  those  preposterous  and  new-fangled  assevera- 
tions ;  and  that,  so  far  from  swearing  by  any  man's  head,  it  is 
considered,  throughout  the  east,  the  greatest  insult  that  can 
be  offered  to  either  the  living  or  dead  to  meddle  in  any  shape 
even  with  his  beard.  These  are  but  two  or  three  specimens  of 
the  exposures  I  would  have  made ;  but  I  should  have  descended 
still  lower;  nor  would  have  spared  the  most  insignificant; 
and,  or  but,  or  nevertheless,  provided  I  could  have  found  a 
ditto  in  the  Spectator  or  the  dictionary ; — but  all  these  minutiae 
I  bequeath  to  the  Lilliputian  literati  of  this  sagacious  com- 
munity, who  are  fond  of  hunting  "such  small  deer,"  and  1 
earnestly  pray  they  may  find  full  employment  for  a  twelve- 
month to  come. 

But  the  most  outrageous  plagiarisms  of  friend  Launcelot  are 
those  made  on  sundry  living  personages.  Thus:  Tom  Strad- 
dle has  been  evidently  stolen  from  a  distinguished  Brum- 
magem emigrant,  since  they  both  ride  on  horseback ; — Dabble, 
the  little  great  man,  has  his  origin  in  a  certain  aspiring  com* 
seller,  who  is  rising  in  the  world  as  rapidly  as  the  heaviness  of 
his  head  will  permit ;  mine  uncle  John  will  bear  a  tolerable 
comparison,  particularly  as  it  respects  the  sterling  qualities 
of  his  heart,  with  a  worthy  yeoman  of  Westchester  county; — 
and  to  deck  out  Aunt  Charity,  and  the  amiable  Miss  Cocklofts, 
he  has  rifled  the  charms  of  half  the  ancient  vestals  in  this  city. 
Nay,  he  has  taken  unpardonable  liberties  with  my  own  person! 
— elevating  me  on  the  substantial  pedestals  of  a  worthy  gen- 
tleman from  Qhina,  and  tricking  me  out  with  claret  coats. 


278  SALMAGUNDI. 

tight  breeches,  and  silver-sprigged  dickeys,  in  such  sort  that  I 
can  scarcely  recognize  my  own  resemblance ; — whereas  I  abso- 
lutely declare  that  I  am  an  exceeding  good-looking  man, 
neither  too  tall  nor  too  short,  too  old  nor  too  young,  with  a  per- 
son indifferently  robust,  a  head  rather  inclining  to  be  large,  an 
easy  swing  in  my  walk ;  and  that  I  wear  my  own  hair,  neither 
queued,  nor  cropped,  nor  turned  up,  but  in  a  fair,  pendulous 
oscillating  club,  tied  with  a  yard  of  nine-penny  black  riband. 

And  now,  having  said  all  that  occurs  to  me  on  the  present 
pathetic  occasion,— having  made  my  speech,  wrote  my  eulogy, 
and  drawn  my  portrait,  I  bid  my  readers  an  affectionate  fare- 
well; exhorting  them  to  live  honestly  and  soberly; — paying 
their  taxes,  and  reverencing  the  state,  the  church,  and  the  cor- 
poration;— reading  diligently  the  Bible  and  the  almanac,  the 
newspaper,  and  Salmagundi; — which  is  all  the  reading  an 
honest  citizen  has  occasion  for; — and  eschewing  all  spirit  of 
faction,  discontent,  irreligion,  and  criticism. 
Which  is  all  at  present, 

From  their  departed  friend, 

WILLIAM  WIZABD. 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 

Los  Angeles 
This  book  is  DUE  on  the  last  date  stamped  below. 


BK'D  LD-UR6 

MAR  3  i  1975 
APR    41975 


FormL9 — 15m-10,'48(B1039)444 


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